Almost 5 months N/C and I don't feel any better

[frustrated b/f]

I broke things off with my uBPD g/f about five months ago. After nearly six years I felt the r/s was on a dead end course to nowhere. We both lived separately and had nothing jointly. The only advances we made were from the seemingly continuous setbacks she would initiate once things got better. (perpetual cycle) I kept telling myself I'd rather be doing bad all myself. We've never tried counseling but have talked about it.

Fast-forwrard to now, and I don't feel any better at all. I think about her everyday, mostly trying to convince myself she was bad for me and justifying what I thought I needed to do. She's reached out wanting to apologize but I ignored her.

My question(s): Should I still be feeling just as crappy six months later? Should I have at least tried counseling first? I'm thinking about agreeing to it.

[Kallor74]

After nearly six years

In no way could you or any normal human being be over a six year relationship with a pwBPD in just six months.

[dontknow2]

Frustrated b/f,

I'm sorry you don't feel better.  :'(

After on and off with my dBPDxh for almost 20 years, my relationship haunted for me in every separation with the longest lasting 1 1/2 years. With therapy, I now realize my longing was related to my unconscious internal battle not just our relationship and him.

Have you considered therapy for yourself making to just discuss this situation including couples counseling with pwBPD? Individual therapy can be great for that kind of thing and helping feel better. Your life and long-term well-being is worth taking extra time. If money is an issue, university psych departments can have good clinics for those getting their PsyD.

Take care. 

[BenTired]

I broke things off with my uBPD g/f about five months ago. After nearly six years I felt the r/s was on a dead end course to nowhere. We both lived separately and had nothing jointly. The only advances we made were from the seemingly continuous setbacks she would initiate once things got better. (perpetual cycle) I kept telling myself I'd rather be doing bad all myself. We've never tried counseling but have talked about it.

Fast-forwrard to now, and I don't feel any better at all. I think about her everyday, mostly trying to convince myself she was bad for me and justifying what I thought I needed to do. She's reached out wanting to apologize but I ignored her.

My question(s): Should I still be feeling just as crappy six months later? Should I have at least tried counseling first? I'm thinking about agreeing to it.

Frustrated bf,

I can certainly relate to everything that you just said. It has been 9 months since I broke it off with my dBPDexgf and while I would never take her back and don't regret my decision, lately I have missed her . There are numerous triggers for me from September through New Years that I have struggled with. This next week will be extremely hard when I think back to last year at this time and especially where we vacationed for New Year's last year. I actually found myself hoping that she would contact me. If she had, I would've ignored her as I have been doing. For the first 5 months, she constantly reached out to me to restart this although in her mind we never broke it off. I say this because inspite of not seeing her for the first 5 months, she said that we were not broken up and that I was just being stubborn and in a bad mood... .Huh? Yes you read that correctly. We were together over 3 years, I broke it off in March of 2013, she showed up at events that she knew I would be attending and basically stalked me for 2 months. Her job moved her far away and she texted and tried to email until July. I hadn't replied to her since June. After her last ayyempts in July, I had a IT guy do things with my computer and cell phone to shut her down from contact. She apparently has either got the hint or found a new victim or victims. I think you should talk to a T if you can and give yourself some time to deal with this. Cut yourself some slack.

On a side note, I did get her to see a T and after a year and a half of treatment, in my opinion, she got worse not better. Her and I had the conversation and she offered to quit going to the T. While I felt she was getting worse, she felt she was getting better so I told her to continue to go to the T. I think part of the problem that I was seeing was all the drugs that the Dr put her on. Her T said she was... .BPD/ADHD/manic depressive/Bipolar and a few others according to her but would not tell me the other diagnosises as she said I would use them against her. I'm not sure what that even meant.

Six years is a long time to deal with all the craziness that you have been subjected to so it will take a little time to flesh back out. So sorry, I didn't mean to rant or get on my soap box as I was feeling a little down and got on here for the first time in a while...

Take it slow, cut yourself some slack and if ya can talk to your own T. You can and will get through this. I sailed along smoothly till I hit these triggers and eventually you will see calmer waters too.

[vangirl60]

Frustrated- it's been 2 years for me…It takes a LONG TIME! It's deeply painful….Someone on the boards here stated that she found getting over this harder than having her baby die in her arms! Honestly, it goes right to your core in a way nothing else does.

And I've tried everything to get past it….renovations, travelling, bucket list activities, all the dating sites, lots of dates, entertaining, you name it, i've done it. Nothing seems to work. No contact and time, that's it.

[vangirl60]

When you get past what I call the EXTREME grief you slowly begin to discover so much about yourself. Everyone said that and I didn't really get it at the time, but it's true. It really becomes a journey of self-discovery.

[Perfidy]

I'm actually doing pretty good with it at nine months since ground zero. I have a lot of good days now and even a few better ones. Vangirl... .word! EXTREME grief... .a few months worth! I will say this though. Not one single day doesn't go by where I don't think of her a lot. That hasn't changed much but what has changed is how I think of her. I see her differently now. I'm not wanting her. Been no contact for ummm... .Not sure. Maybe four or five months. I did the pathetic bargaining thing for a few months. That did nothing except feed her sickness and mine too. Some talk therapy with a good counselor. Walking at least twice a day. Couple miles. Focus on me,myself and I. Meditation. Mindfulness. Gratitude. I have considered castration and a lobotomy if that isn't enough.

Frustratedbf? You feel the need to counsel with her?

[fromheeltoheal]

I can relate frustrated.  Sometimes it's tough to tell if you're where you're supposed to be in your healing or you're just stuck, and it's not linear, 2 steps forward one back sometimes.

It's been about a year and a half for me and I'd say I'm over it.  Everything seems different now; as vangirl said it really is a journey of self discovery and I'm feeling better about myself than I have in a long time, before I met her.  The things that have worked for me are getting the big three in order, diet, sleep, exercise, and then consciously focusing on the future.  Once a relationship ends, with all the rumination and analysis, the what-ifs, should-haves, mind fcks, yadda, yadda, it's all in the past, and we sometimes spend too much time focusing there.  The key for me is to create a compelling future, the life of my dreams, a life without her in it, and work every day towards creating it.  It has to be conscious effort with a lot of energy because the past will pull our focus back there, and we need to create as much if not more energy in the other direction.  And just by taking steps day after day, after a while we notice progress, and a little while after that we're living it without thinking about it.  And then one day you'll think about her and realize you haven't thought about her in a while, and then you will be free.  It works, one day at a time.  Take care of you!

[chuckstrong]

Fromheeltoheal---that sounds like a good plan to me!... .im 16 months out and trying everyday to get a little bit stronger... .its hard... .up until Oct 25 the longest NC period was 13 days including an ill fated "sleepover" back in June... .since Oct 25 its been 2 months NC until Dec 24 when I "broke down" and sent a "merry xmas to you and the kids" text... .she responded politely a few hours later and I am now 2 days NC again... .one day one hour at a time I guess ... .

Chuck

[Perfidy]

I don't want her. I'm over it. Still out processing. I'm aware of it. Nothing I can do now except what fromH2H says. Live it. Without her in it. She hasn't tried to contact me in almost a month now. I haven't tried to contact her since August. It's a process. It takes time. I do not think of her as strongly. All the warm fuzzy love bs is gone. I am focusing all of my efforts on me, through healthy means. As a matter of fact, I am considering taking a break from the boards for a while because of the memories I have to drag out when I read others posts and see my own story in them. It's a daily reminder of the insanity that was my life. It's over. I'm better. Not perfect but much better. This is huge for me. Eight months ago I became suicidal because the depression was relentless. I have come a long way. It's a shame that I had to come from the deepest despair before I would do anything about myself. It hasn't been easy my friend.

[Octoberfest]

When you get past what I call the EXTREME grief you slowly begin to discover so much about yourself. Everyone said that and I didn't really get it at the time, but it's true. It really becomes a journey of self-discovery.

Quoted for truth...

For those continuing to struggle and wondering "when is long enough? When will I be over it? Shouldn't I be over it ?", be kind to yourselves.  I was with my BPDex on and off over the course of nine months.  It is now almost 8 months since I left her and 5 of NC. I am worlds better, but I wouldn't say totally healed.  I no longer want her, I no longer crave her, but I am still haunted by her in some ways.  I dreamt of her for the first time in a long time last night.

Granted, everyone is different.  But consider it has almost been as long since the breakup as it was hoemlong I dated her, and I am still dealing with it. So those of you who were with your pwBPD for many years, give yourself time.  You have dealt with a major trauma, and in many ways you must learn to live again. To live a different way than the nay way you know how, which is a hard thing.

[frustrated b/f]

Frustratedbf? You feel the need to counsel with her?

Thank you everyone for the great insight and encouraging words! Perfidy, to answer your question, I just feel like maybe it would be worth a try. I feel like I may not have tried everything available to improve the r/s.

[LilMissSunshine]

Frustrated... .you story sounds just like mine.  I suggested couples counseling many times and he agreed.  Oh yes, he agreed.  However, I could never get him to take the next step and actually go.  He even made an appointment for us then cancelled it without telling me.  Why?  Because he knew.  He knew if the two of us ever got in from of a therapist, he'd most likely end up involuntarily comitted.  On the other hand I am a huge proponent of doing everything in my power to do what I think is the right thing.  Ten years down the road I don't want to think about the "what ifs".  (That's why I suggested the couples counseling) Just don't expect too much if anything at all. 

[emotionaholic]

Frustrated.

Don't forget that you can only be responsible for 1/2 of the relationship.  The other person has to take responsibility for their half.  Unfortunately many of us were giving 90% into the relationship and the black hole of BPD sucked it all in.  :)on't beat yourself up on thinking you did not try enough.  Without the other party being receptive and accountable there would be no end to what you could do to improve the relationship.  It just sucks that way.  And I know how hard it is I am right there with you.

[fromheeltoheal]

Don't forget that you can only be responsible for 1/2 of the relationship.  

[Perfidy]

Frustrated... .Imagine yourself ten months from now and feeling even worse. Do you want that? You know how impossible it was with her disorder. She is still disordered. This won't ever change. She would have to be willing to go to counseling on her own for the rest of her life just to lessen the severity of HER condition. Of course you wanted it to be better. That's commendable. We all wanted that because we're good caring people. We get a little messed up because we don't show ourselves enough of the good and the caring. Let it be over and let go. There are lots of people out there that don't have BPD. The daily thoughts will diminish. I know how hard this is. It hurts.

[frustrated b/f]

Frustrated... .Imagine yourself ten months from now and feeling even worse. Do you want that?

I know exactly what you mean. Been through it before w/ previous recycles. I do not want!

[Phoenix.Rising]

frustrated b/f,

It helps not to think about the time aspect involved in healing, although time will eventually heal the worst wounds.  I've realized there might always be some tiny pockets of residual pain that remain.  My pain has decreased tremendously from a year ago, but I wouldn't consider myself completely healed.  These relationships are much different than 'normal' ones.  They tend to touch us at our very core.  And for me, healing from this relationship has forced me to look very closely at the dark corners of my own psyche.  There is no way around the pain, only through it.  I still think of my ex, sometimes more than I would like to.  But she is not the first thing I think about when I wake and before I go to sleep.  And the majority of the time now I am able to see her and our relationship in the light of truth rather than fantasy.  Our relationship was getting progressively worse, not better.

I like what Perfidy mentioned about walking twice a day.  What gave you joy in life before your relationship?  What hobbies do you enjoy?  I believe in the saying, take the action and the feelings will follow.  In other words, we have to 'act as if' for a time, maybe a long time before we start to feel like our old selves again.  It does me no good to compare my healing time frame to someone else's.  Besides, I've found that healing from this is not really a linear process.  I've experienced time spans of feeling mostly free followed by intense moments of grief and sadness and loss.  It takes what it takes.  The main thing is to not give up.  Find your inner strength and carry on.    

[free-n-clear]

I have considered castration and a lobotomy if that isn't enough.

I'd rather have a bottleinfrontofme than a frontallobotomy!