Emotional abuse

[Cumulus]

I didn't always understand emotional abuse, I certainly didn't understand that I was being emotionally abused. I was far too strong and competent to be one of those poor abused women. In this whole journey of mine from the separation, to his BPD diagnosis, to knowing what and how I had been living for so many years, this has been the most difficult concept for me to comprehend, I was emotionally abused.

The abuse I endured was so subtle and so covert I just couldn't name it. He was good to me in many ways, seeming to place my welfare above his, building me up in front of others. How could he be emotionally abusing me? I had no bruises or broken bones yet I felt broken. It was the constant edginess of trying to do everything right, not to knock something over that would startle him, the barrage of why did you do this, what were you thinking? The turning away if I showed affection, the disparaging remarks, the disrespecting.

My understanding has come to this, unlike physical abuse that could be compared to being hit by a tsunami, the abuse I endured was like a drop of water. By itself nothing, but over and over again over years eroding me until I began to lose who I started out being.

[goldylamont]

i identify with this a lot Cumulus. in fact in another thread i was questioning whether i was emotionally abused or if i were just making too big a deal out of things. what i can say, well i'll paraphrase what different people have said about the ex at different times--"what she's doing is not normal". and as mundane as that sounds, it's true. it's just not normal, it's definitely not right. it was mostly passive aggressive, with specks of overt, disrespect that built up over time. all of this falling into the general umbrella of devaluing--never recognizing anything thoughtful that i would do, blaming me for everything... .later i find out about all the lies, emotional affairs. i think faking that she was having anxiety issues because she was scared of me, just to 'win' at arguments was the worst for me. i think it's pretty emotionally abusive to gaslight people into thinking they are being threatening, when in actuality what she felt was hate or contempt, not fear.

it's still hard for me to put a finger on things that happened in the r/s also; a lot of it was subtle, and pretty much the whole time i never suspected her of being dishonest. difficult, unfair? hell yes. but it took me making that final break to see how much of a flat out liar she is. it's hard to figure out what was real, good or bad after seeing the duality of behaviors. so, i've just decided to trust what i feel about things and pretty much say eff her perspective. i'm not sure how it was for you, but i think her most abusive behavior for me occurred in the first couple of months after the breakup... things were more overt and easy to see then.

[emotionaholic]

As a man I find it hard to admit that I was emotionally abused.  I am supposed to be strong, to turn the other cheek, to stand solid as a rock in the face of adversity.  The reality is that all of the abuse and instability I received has left me empty and in psychological drained to the point that I am having to find myself again.

I think I would have preferred physical abuse.  Getting punched in the face the pain goes away in a relatively short amount of time.  But being punched in the emotional core of ones self brings a pain that does not go away.  The emotional scars that are not visible from the outside are clear and painful from the inside.  There is no way to place and ice pack on emotional scars to make it feel better.  Only hard work, forgiveness, and time can make the pain manageable.

[willtimeheal]

Emotionaholic I agree... .I would have rather been punched in the face.  At least I would have felt it right away and would have reacted to it. But who knows... .I find there are so many what ifs with this disorder. I was emotionally abused in my relationship. She built me up and placed me on a pedestal and then took great pleasure in slowly and methodically knocking me down. By the time I realized what had happened the damage to my core was already done.

As I look back now I realize my gut told me the first time I met her to run. My gut said to stay away. I didn't listen. That is my fault. Emotional abuse is odd... why didn't I notice it?  It sneaks up on you. Why didn't I run the first time she belittled me?  I chose to stay and continue chasing the fantasy. There are so many what ifs and whys with emotional abuse. After two years in therapy I have realized my trigger points and why I was an easy target... .kind caring and good people usually are. But I will never allow her or anyone to ever damage my core again. Scars can heal but they never fully go away and what is important is that we learn from them and become stronger. I am stronger now than  I ever was. Bpd sucks but being in that relationship and going thru all that allowed me to seek therapy and become a.stronger more confident person who will never be pushed around again in any area of my life... .That much I am grateful for.

[Turkish]

Emotionaholic I agree... .I would have rather been punched in the face.  At least I would have felt it right away and would have reacted to it. But who knows... .I find there are so many what ifs with this disorder.

Yep. Well, not really. Lucky no cops were involved unlike some poor souls here... .

Whenever I question whether I was emotionally or verbally abused (financially, for sure), I just switch our genders in my mind, and then where is no question. If she were a man doing what she did (and did over most of our r/s, but it got really bad this past year), I'd be the biggest piece of you know what in town, especially given all of her excuses she made about why she cheated ("justifying the unjustifiable" as my T put it).

No question. And I have notes and emails to prove it.

Still, there isn't much public sympathy (for the devil) for men regarding this.

[clairedair]

In this whole journey of mine from the separation, to his BPD diagnosis, to knowing what and how I had been living for so many years, this has been the most difficult concept for me to comprehend, I was emotionally abused.

Cumulus, thanks for posting this.  It was validating to read your comments.  My exH can be very kind, empathetic, loving and fun.  He is these things with people he works with (he has a caring role) and friends.  He can be these things with relatives.  He can even be these things with me.  But more and more often over the last years, I experienced this less frequently than I did the withdrawing of affection; the put-downs and the hell of break-up/make-up recycles (repeated with a gf when not with me).  I could not see this as abuse because I thought I was the 'strong one' and he was my poor pwBPD who was in so much pain. 

I saw a new T a few months after he'd 'disappeared' without really telling me he was leaving again.  He'd left many times before and after a period of being angry, I would revert to 'poor ex, he can't really help himself'.  This time I could not stop feeling angry and was taken aback when T said "he's not a nice man" because the script for most of my adult life had been that I was married to "a saint".  I found it very hard to accept that he had been abusive and even harder to accept that I had tolerated abuse.  Ironically, just before he left he'd even admitted to being abusive after going on a course related to work and I still tried to mitigate this (and admit to abusing him too) because I didn't want him to feel too bad about himself.

I think the worst thing of all for me has been losing my 'voice' and I still feel that way even though we've now been apart for over a year.  I can't speak up about what's really been going on for fear of looking like I'm just bitter about his (very quick) re-marriage. Plus, I have been defending him for years when others could see his behaviour wasn't healthy.  So how can I now turn round and agree and go further and say "It was worse than you think"?

My understanding has come to this, unlike physical abuse that could be compared to being hit by a tsunami, the abuse I endured was like a drop of water. By itself nothing, but over and over again over years eroding me until I began to lose who I started out being.

This is a great way of putting it into words.  This is exactly the image in my head - of drips of liquid over time corroding an iron bar.  The strength of the iron being no real defence.

Still, there isn't much public sympathy... .for men regarding this.

I think you have a point.  I find it hard enough to explain what's been happening and if I was male, I think it would be all the more difficult.  I have had my eyes opened by a few books about abuse that I've read - they've been really good but it is noticeable that most of the examples are about men abusing women so I can only imagine that these books might be less than helpful to a male audience.

I have sons and I would like to try to talk to them about abuse but it's difficult to find something online/in a book that would be helpful for young men to read.

[Turkish]

[I saw a new T a few months after he'd 'disappeared' without really telling me he was leaving again.  He'd left many times before and after a period of being angry, I would revert to 'poor ex, he can't really help himself'.  This time I could not stop feeling angry and was taken aback when T said "he's not a nice man" because the script for most of my adult life had been that I was married to "a saint".  I found it very hard to accept that he had been abusive and even harder to accept that I had tolerated abuse.  Ironically, just before he left he'd even admitted to being abusive after going on a course related to work and I still tried to mitigate this (and admit to abusing him too) because I didn't want him to feel too bad about himself.

My T was happy I finally got to the anger point; whereas, I had previously been making excuses for her due to her supposed PD. Focus on the actions and behaviors which hurt you. We have every right to be hurt, if they are "sick" or not, it is no excuse.

My understanding has come to this, unlike physical abuse that could be compared to being hit by a tsunami, the abuse I endured was like a drop of water. By itself nothing, but over and over again over years eroding me until I began to lose who I started out being.

This is a great way of putting it into words.  This is exactly the image in my head - of drips of liquid over time corroding an iron bar.  The strength of the iron being no real defence.

Or waterboarding. The abuse is psychological, with no external scars.

Still, there isn't much public sympathy... .for men regarding this.

I think you have a point.  I find it hard enough to explain what's been happening and if I was male, I think it would be all the more difficult.  I have had my eyes opened by a few books about abuse that I've read - they've been really good but it is noticeable that most of the examples are about men abusing women so I can only imagine that these books might be less than helpful to a male audience.

I have sons and I would like to try to talk to them about abuse but it's difficult to find something online/in a book that would be helpful for young men to read.

Well, I think with a loving mother such as you, they will probably be less apt to getting themselves into an abusive relationship, no? Maybe you could elicit answers from them as to what they think are acceptable behaviors from a mate, and what boundaries they think are unacceptable to cross. It might help to remind them later of what they said, rather than what you told them, if it came to that.

[Free One]

I never understood just how much emotional abuse I endured (I was not physically abused), and even had a hard time admitting it, until I read "Why does he do that? Inside the minds of angry and controlling men" by Lundy Bancroft. It was an eye opener and really a helpful step in the healing process.

[goldylamont]

you guys are awesome. for me the path has been to understand and admit that i was being emotionally abused, and at the same time realizing that "I" am growing into a different person. the new person no longer being a victim but a victor, a survivor. in this way i can admit to what has transpired in the past and not attach this to my identity now. it's very eye opening to have undergone this and now easier to see loony tunes at the outset and just avoid them completely 

[myself]

Having been abused, we need to not abuse others because of it. That's a line we've probably all crossed. PwBPD have an extremely hard time navigating those emotions.

I know that I was abused because she knew what she was doing and she continued doing it. It affects you when you look in the mirror no matter who you are or who did what.

[goldylamont]

Having been abused, we need to not abuse others because of it. That's a line we've probably all crossed. PwBPD have an extremely hard time navigating those emotions.

I know that I was abused because she knew what she was doing and she continued doing it. It affects you when you look in the mirror no matter who you are or who did what.

soo true! i feel that if we truly consider ourselves "nons" that we take on the responsibility to STOP the abusive cycle right in its tracks. to me this is the definition of a 'non' or someone healthier than a pwBPD--nons get abused but learn and don't abuse others. we absorb toxicity, learn, convert and refuse to allow this energy to abuse others.

All a pwBPD is, really, is just some person that was abused by someone else; who then goes around abusing every one else trying to get revenge or establish some sort of control over the situation. That's all they are, broken people doing a damn good job going around and breaking others as best they can.

And here we are, the recipients of emotional and/or physical abuse. And some of this didn't start with our r/s with pwBPD. Are we going to allow the abuse to continue? Or will we recognize it for what it is and learn ways to live without passing it on to other undeserving people? I will be the latter. Betrayal questions trust but I'll be damned if I let silly betrayal force me to treat the people close to me as if they are worthy of being betrayed also. My history defines what I know but not who I presently am.

[clairedair]

Having been abused, we need to not abuse others because of it. That's a line we've probably all crossed. PwBPD have an extremely hard time navigating those emotions.

I know I crossed a line more than once and am still learning about myself and my reactions to hurt and betrayal. It's been so easy to spot exH's unhealthy behaviours that I missed a few of my own!  I don't believe I am as abusive as my exH makes me out to be at times but reading around the topic of emotional abuse, I do realise that some of my reactions e.g. sarcasm are damaging.

Well, I think with a loving mother such as you, they will probably be less apt to getting themselves into an abusive relationship, no? Maybe you could elicit answers from them as to what they think are acceptable behaviors from a mate, and what boundaries they think are unacceptable to cross. It might help to remind them later of what they said, rather than what you told them, if it came to that.

Thanks Turkish.  I don't always feel like I've been a loving mother because I reconciled with their father many times even when they asked me not to.  I thought I could make it all work and we'd be a 'proper' family again (oh the arrogance!). 

Betrayal questions trust but I'll be damned if I let silly betrayal force me to treat the people close to me as if they are worthy of being betrayed also. My history defines what I know but not who I presently am.

take care,

Claire

[Cumulus]

Hi goldy, you have many good thoughts, I too thought it might be easier to deal with physical abuse, that at least I could point to a bruise and say yes it is real and I could show it to someone else and have them validate yes, you are in an abusive relationship. How could I expect someone to understand what I now know to be emotional abuse if I told them he was upset and questioned me when I dropped a broom handle on the floor.

What I found the emotional abuse did to me over the years was numb my feelings, put me in a state of denial about my emotional and physical needs, cause me to lose my instinct for knowing truth, and to lose my sense of self. When I first started becoming aware of this I felt overwhelming stupidity. How could I have been so stupid? My next thought like yours was, well really maybe it wasn't that bad. Yet it was, because it left me diminished.

Emotionalaholic, just like you said, psychologically diminished. As I said above I too wondered if physical abuse would have been easier, I don't know the answer to that and want to stay out of those thoughts now.

Hi guys, certainly there is more information and support for women out there. The feelings we are left with though, man or woman, I think are much the same. We feel like we've been taken, and in a way we have. We've allowed ourselves to be taken from, for some reason not saying wait, when is it my turn. We give until we are completely emptied or until we are given an understanding of ourselves.

Claire, our experiences are eerily similar. My ex would also hold me up to others as being a saint. How could I ever say what a difficult man he was to live with when he was telling everyone what a wonderful person I was. He reinforced this at home to me, "I always tell people how good you are, don't ever say anything bad about me, it's not right to do that." I know this now to be isolation.

I am still working on feeling anger Turkish. I have hidden it for so many years it feels difficult and unsafe to allow myself to go there. It is slowly coming back, fleeting moments of justifiable anger.

Have not read the book free one but will get it. Thanks for the feed back.

Myself, a great way to bring this conversation around, what do we do now that we are aware, to prevent emotional abuse, in our lives and to help others see and understand. I like the idea of it starts with me, I will not emotionally abuse another, I will teach my children not to emotionally abuse another and to be aware if they find themselves in circumstances where they feel like they are being abused, to teach my friends, to teach my community.

[clairedair]

Cumulus,

I would also recommend the Lundy Bancroft book.  I found it a really uncomfortable read and still struggle with feeling that my exH isn't really like the men described (and it is a book about angry men so not one that takes account of the experiences of many here) but ultimately worth reading.

I dip in and out of it - you don't need to read in sequence. 

I also bought the Beverly Engels book "The emotionally abusive relationship" - a very different book and much more focussed on both parties in the relationship.  Quite a bit about BPD too.

I think it was good to have read them both at same time as they balance each other.

There should be more information on the Book Review board

Book Reviews

take care,

Claire

[whirlpoollife]

this has been the most difficult concept for me to comprehend, I was emotionally abused.

My understanding has come to this, unlike physical abuse that could be compared to being hit by a tsunami, the abuse I endured was like a drop of water. By itself nothing, but over and over again over years eroding me until I began to lose who I started out being.

These are some powerful words. So true. It is so hard for me to say , admit , comes to terms, that my h, was abusive.  If a person asks why I'm divorcing or they give their sympathy, I can't come out and say I am leaving him because he was abusive.   I say it just wasn't a good marriage.  I can't  even type yet all what he has done.  The further time moves away from the marriage the more I realize what has happened.  Am I in denial over it I  don't know.  Or do I want to bury it and walk forward. I don't know.   

As for identity it is like I am waking up from a coma and starting from who I was before I met him.   

[clairedair]

The further time moves away from the marriage the more I realize what has happened.  Am I in denial over it I  don't know.  Or do I want to bury it and walk forward. I don't know.   

As for identity it is like I am waking up from a coma and starting from who I was before I met him.   

This is how I feel and it's so unexpected. I thought I would feel so much better by now but it's as if after the raw anger about the manner of his leaving dissipated, years of stuff came to the surface and I still feel exhausted more than a year later.  I'm mostly OK during the day and when things do come up I take some time to deal with it but I am still having terrible dreams which I think are because of the confusion and lack of sincere apology or even a conversation about leaving.  The dreams are my way of trying to 'finish' things but it's taking ages 

Thanks whirlpoollife for posting this - thought it was just me!

claire

[goldylamont]

... .it's as if after the raw anger about the manner of his leaving dissipated, years of stuff came to the surface and I still feel exhausted more than a year later.  I'm mostly OK during the day and when things do come up I take some time to deal with it but I am still having terrible dreams which I think are because of the confusion and lack of sincere apology or even a conversation about leaving.  The dreams are my way of trying to 'finish' things but it's taking ages 

clairedair i am nearly 2 years out of the r/s and still dealing with remnants here and there. i feel mostly protected and able to heal on my own now but it doesn't help that my ex passive/aggressively (oh, such is her style) moved right back into my neighborhood just a few houses down and started trying to reengage with me. i am fortunate though that we don't run into each other, but still a little uncomfortable as it's kind of like having a toxic cloud a couple of houses away. if anything it's probably making me stronger in my resolve and offering a soft challenge to my recovery.

it's a little embarrassing for me to admit that i am still affected by this 2 years later. however i say this to be open because i feel perhaps this is normal and it's important for us to understand that processing these things takes time, a long time. i was just discussing with a friend that going through this experience gave me a new respect for my mother who i know suffered severely when getting divorced from my father. i was really young, about 3 so in a way i was shielded from the negativity but having gone through what i did is showing me that bonding with someone and then destroying that bond takes years to process.

i'm balancing my recovery between using my strength to let go and forgive and also allowing myself some room to "slip up" when bad thoughts arrive. if anything my practice now is a little tougher since i have come so far--in a good way the negative feelings are much weaker, however because of this it's easy to forget that it's still a part of me. so i have to stay vigilant and aware of how my subconscious has been influenced and still needs work, although much of my conscious is mostly healed. i think it's a good practice when talking with someone who is fresh out of an abusive r/s to let them know that recovery is beautiful... and long 

[Cumulus]

Thank you whirlpoollife, what an apt name for the way life can be, married to a pwBPD. My marriage lasted 35 years, so I was in a coma like state for a long time. Like you, I felt an awakening after leaving and it is hard for me to remember much of what had happened. I think it was the ongoing denial of what I knew to be true but denied in order to believe what he told me was true. I learned the truth about the lies that were the tip of the iceberg but I came to a point where I knew I would never know the greater amount that lay below and I had to walk away from the search. There are still times, now almost three years out, that I feel the desire to find all those other lies, but I also know that it is a self destructive path for me to go down. It was a conscious and is an ongoing decision to leave what happened behind and instead to learn and understand the reasons I allowed it to happen. As goldy says, recovery is beautiful.

[Cardinals in Flight]

Emotionaholic I agree... .I would have rather been punched in the face.  At least I would have felt it right away and would have reacted to it. But who knows... .I find there are so many what ifs with this disorder. I was emotionally abused in my relationship. She built me up and placed me on a pedestal and then took great pleasure in slowly and methodically knocking me down. By the time I realized what had happened the damage to my core was already done.

As I look back now I realize my gut told me the first time I met her to run. My gut said to stay away. I didn't listen. That is my fault. Emotional abuse is odd... why didn't I notice it?  It sneaks up on you. Why didn't I run the first time she belittled me?  I chose to stay and continue chasing the fantasy. There are so many what ifs and whys with emotional abuse. After two years in therapy I have realized my trigger points and why I was an easy target... .kind caring and good people usually are. But I will never allow her or anyone to ever damage my core again. Scars can heal but they never fully go away and what is important is that we learn from them and become stronger. I am stronger now than  I ever was. Bpd sucks but being in that relationship and going thru all that allowed me to seek therapy and become a.stronger more confident person who will never be pushed around again in any area of my life... .That much I am grateful for.

I too did not listen to my intuition in regards to the XpwBPDg/f.  I drove away from her house one night and actually said out loud, "this chicks gonna hurt me".  But? And I verbalized this to her before NC, I take a lot of confidence from knowing I can trust my gut, albeit too late for this one.  I'll never ignore the inner voice again.

The emotional abuse was subtle at first, looking back, I now realize I was lied to about MANY things from the start.  From the subtle grew the silent treatment, gas lighting and then the verbal raging, I'm ashamed of me for taking it as long as I did, but proud of myself for calling her on it before the end.  In fact, I pretty much regurgitated everything I'd been holding I side for three years... .

CiFU