Convince my replacement to RUN

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I need some advice from the helpful people on this site.  I managed to get in touch with my replacement, who is planning on marrying BPD ex within the next couple of weeks.  She was so nice and sweet and adorable and I wished her all the best.  She then said the one thing I needed to hear all this time, that I had a right to be heard.  I told her of the abuse I went through, sent her some links and some recordings I had of his abusive attacks. What can I do to convince her that he will abuse her too?  She was oblivious to his abuse and has only so far seen his good side... .I tried to explain to her that he is like the mirror of erised.  What would you do if you were in my position?  I want to tell her what he is really like and have only told her a few things, but I don't want her to think that I'm a clinger ex that is trying to sabotage him.  I have been in touch with him all this time trying to gain closure and I know that will be spun around to make people think I still want him back, when really I just don't want this sweet person to marry a very sick, abusive person and suffer.

[Mazda]

I need some advice from the helpful people on this site.  I managed to get in touch with my replacement, who is planning on marrying BPD ex within the next couple of weeks.  She was so nice and sweet and adorable and I wished her all the best.  She then said the one thing I needed to hear all this time, that I had a right to be heard.  I told her of the abuse I went through, sent her some links and some recordings I had of his abusive attacks. What can I do to convince her that he will abuse her too?  She was oblivious to his abuse and has only so far seen his good side... .I tried to explain to her that he is like the mirror of erised.  What would you do if you were in my position?  I want to tell her what he is really like and have only told her a few things, but I don't want her to think that I'm a clinger ex that is trying to sabotage him.  I have been in touch with him all this time trying to gain closure and I know that will be spun around to make people think I still want him back, when really I just don't want this sweet person to marry a very sick, abusive person and suffer.

[WalrusGumboot]

What I would do in your position? I would back off and stay out of their business.

She is in love. Your attempts at warning her is probably sounding like a bitter person trying to get even with her ex to her. Even if she heard the recordings, she will probably justify his actions, thinking you did something that caused him to react that way, and of course she will never do the same.

Don't you remember how we all walked right into their web and ignored all the red flags?

[GaGrl]

I agree with WG - what you've done is give the replacement enough info to raise her awareness if and when (and you know it will be when) the disordered behavior begins. Maybe  it will shorten the timeframe in which the relationship unravels, but I doubt it will stop what happens at the beginning/honeymoon period.

[laelle]

If someone had told me how things were going to end, I would not have believed them anyway.

Their relationship is their business.

[LilMissSunshine]

Or, you can send her this link (I don't recall which thread this was originally posted in):

www.womansavers.com/relationship-articles.asp?a=84

[emotionaholic]

I was warned by my ex's ex husband.  He knows nothing about BPD but he told me very clearly that she was crazy.  I thought that he was just being an idiot since he was obviously responsible for their failed marriage.  She also warned me that she does not do relationships well.  :)id I listen NO!  Three years later and learning about BPD on my own and now I get it.  

The replacement will have to learn the hard way on her own.  Poor girl I feel sorry for her and don't even know her.

[Undone123]

I think I have been replaced, and yes its not nice... .but put yourself in their shoes. I wouldn't have listened to a word... .

The sadist in me likes the idea of keeping quiet. I am naturally jealous, but i know the pain that awaits them mwahahahahaha!

[LilMissSunshine]

I don't know people.  As a former BPD "virgin", if someone had clued me into the disorder, yes  initially I probably would have ignored them.  Ultimately, however, I would have had a clue and ended the relationship before it totally destroyed me.

I would definitely want to be given a heads up.  Sorry.

[babyspook]

Knowing what I know now about BPD, I'd definitely want to be warned.  But if that never happened, so be it.  After what I've already gone through, detaching/breaking away from a pwBPD will be so much easier.  Not that I desire another disordered mate... .oh God no!  Just saying.

[Littleopener]

I can see it happening to my replacement. The mirroring, the loving films that she loves (when previously he told me he couldn't stand them), the picking up the same hobbies as her and practising them, the speaking in similar phrases and mannerisms.


Of course I see this all from afar. I so want to message her just to tell her that BPD exists and if she ever needs to talk, then feel free. We were mutual friends (I deleted her from facebook etc to spare me the heartbreak of him dating a friend of mine) but she has no idea that he dated me. Or in fact another mutual friend of us all before me (I had no idea when I was with him that I was a replacement for a friend  until after he discarded me and I did a bit of investigation/facebook staking.). I think, looking back, I would have ignored a message from the girl before me and passed it off as her fault like he said, but after he discarded me I would've loved to have that option to talk to someone who knew.

Maybe I should message my replacement. But I don't have the guts.

[Perfidy]

Mazda... Tough times to be sure. Let nature take its course. You're part is over. It's no longer your problem. You take care of you. Everything else will fall into place. You can't save anyone except maybe yourself. The world isn't our responsibility. The world doesn't belong to us, we belong to it. I know how hard it is. I hope it gets easier for you.

[Mazda]

Mazda... Tough times to be sure. Let nature take its course. You're part is over. It's no longer your problem. You take care of you. Everything else will fall into place. You can't save anyone except maybe yourself. The world isn't our responsibility. The world doesn't belong to us, we belong to it. I know how hard it is. I hope it gets easier for you.

In a strange way, it is over for me now.  The pain I was struggling with has completely gone.  It's almost as if, after speaking to her, the last piece of the puzzle was complete and I finally saw the entire relationship and every interaction with him since through the eyes of his disorder.  This girl is so sweet, I don't want her to suffer and for her part, she has listened to what I had to say and is considering it.  I guess I am just worried that he will manipulate his way out of this and make her question everything I have said.   But I'm hoping she will heed my advice and the proof I sent her will be enough to open her eyes.  I have sent her that link as well as some proof, but I have more I haven't sent as I don't want to make things harder for her.  I know this must have come out of nowhere and I feel so guilty for ruining what should be such an exciting, happy time in her life.  Sorry, just needed to vent

[magichat101]

When I first started dating my BPexGF I had so many questions, I knew something wasn't right. I knew that practically all of her friendships had been ended within the past 2 years, I knew she had just walked out on a 5 year relationship (obviously she told me he was horrible and then a year in to ours she said how he was the best), I knew something just wasn't right. If I had been warned I would have done research and but I also probably would have been like what a jealous ex, i look at it like no one warned us so don't warn them. It's an invasion of privacy and you are probably doing it to get a reaction out of your ex or to make them have no one. Just think you dodged a bullet

[love4meNOTu]

No, I would not.

What my exhusband does, and who he does it with are no longer my business.

However, if his next victim contacts me after the fact, I will try to help, if I think that I am emotionally able to handle it.

I have been too close to suicide myself to lose myself again in any more drama from his disordered and abusive world.

I have two children who need me.

This is no longer about hurting him or revenge or anything else. It is about my survival.

L

[momtara]

I think giving her tape recordings is more than enough.  yes, he can come up with an explanation for everything, but she will have doubts.

[Mazda]

When I first started dating my BPexGF I had so many questions, I knew something wasn't right. I knew that practically all of her friendships had been ended within the past 2 years, I knew she had just walked out on a 5 year relationship (obviously she told me he was horrible and then a year in to ours she said how he was the best), I knew something just wasn't right. If I had been warned I would have done research and but I also probably would have been like what a jealous ex, i look at it like no one warned us so don't warn them. It's an invasion of privacy and you are probably doing it to get a reaction out of your ex or to make them have no one. Just think you dodged a bullet

Actually I specifically asked that it not be found out that I was the source (he doesn't know I know who he is marrying) and they have a long distance relationship, living on the other sides of the world.  If I thought they spent considerable time together for her to figure it out I would never have said anything, and in fact, I didn't say anything before I asked her if she wanted to know.  My pain and suffering has been long standing, and revenge is not on my mind.  I passed that stage a long time ago through work with my therapist.  I don't meant to sound holier than thou but my only incentive is to prevent this person's suffering.  

[love4meNOTu]

You did what you felt you had to do with the best of intentions.

Now it sounds like you are prepared to step away.

Bless you,

L

[Perfidy]

No, I would not.

What my exhusband does, and who he does it with are no longer my business.

However, if his next victim contacts me after the fact, I will try to help, if I think that I am emotionally able to handle it.

I have been too close to suicide myself to lose myself again in any more drama from his disordered and abusive world.

I have two children who need me.

This is no longer about hurting him or revenge or anything else. It is about my survival.

L

I concur.

[Mazda]

Thank you all for your ongoing input and support as well.  This forum has been a lifeline for me over the past year.

[Turkish]

No, I would not.

What my exhusband does, and who he does it with are no longer my business.

However, if his next victim contacts me after the fact, I will try to help, if I think that I am emotionally able to handle it.

I have been too close to suicide myself to lose myself again in any more drama from his disordered and abusive world.

I have two children who need me.

This is no longer about hurting him or revenge or anything else. It is about my survival.

L

Yes,  long after the fact,  maybe... .  depends on if I like the guy or not.  it might be a quandary due to we having two kids together.  I'll find out if I get there.  if it's just some guy she's taken up with at the moment,  then no.  he and she deserve it. I  didn't " rescue"  her from a  bad r/s ,  so I'll feel no empathy in that regard.  she'll be different this time since the last time the guy left her.  this time she left the guy,  me.  underlying that,  of course,  is the BPD.  same song,  different key.

[vangirl60]

Mazda- How long have they been together? Quick engagement or ? How long have you been apart?

[Mazda]

Mazda- How long have they been together? Quick engagement or ? How long have you been apart?

From what I understand and know (I didn't ask her too many questions as I didn't want to pry) it has been about 5 months since they started talking and he was trying to recycle me up until 6 months ago, although we technically called off our wedding 10 months ago.  Again, this is all speculation and I don't know how long they have spent in person together, as he lives on the west coast and she lives in Asia.  The engagement was extremely quick - the wedding is being planned within a month of when the engagement appears to have occurred. 

[clairedair]

Hi Mazda,

My exH also married very quickly - dating just a couple of months (if that) after leaving me for the final time and married six months later.  He had had a gf on and off for several years and I thought he would at least marry her if he didn't stay with me as they had been planning to do so once we were divorced.  Goodness knows how she's feeling!  I'm more likely to feel like talking with her than new wife as gf will, unfortunately, be fully aware of what he's capable of.  New wife has worked with him for some time and he's wonderful in his job and socially.

I didn't contact his now wife partly because it was nothing to do with me (though it was really hard not to be able to talk to him because he was in a relationship as he'd just 'disappeared' and wouldn't give me answers to questions that I really needed answers to).

Mainly, I made sure I did nothing that would affect their wedding/relationship because I finally realised just how damaging the relationship had become and I knew that him marrying someone else was the best way to keep him away from me long enough for me to regain my strength.

This is no longer about hurting him or revenge or anything else. It is about my survival.

I would agree with this.

take care,

Claire

[Mazda]

Hi Mazda,

My exH also married very quickly - dating just a couple of months (if that) after leaving me for the final time and married six months later.  He had had a gf on and off for several years and I thought he would at least marry her if he didn't stay with me as they had been planning to do so once we were divorced.  Goodness knows how she's feeling!  I'm more likely to feel like talking with her than new wife as gf will, unfortunately, be fully aware of what he's capable of.  New wife has worked with him for some time and he's wonderful in his job and socially.

I didn't contact his now wife partly because it was nothing to do with me (though it was really hard not to be able to talk to him because he was in a relationship as he'd just 'disappeared' and wouldn't give me answers to questions that I really needed answers to).

Mainly, I made sure I did nothing that would affect their wedding/relationship because I finally realised just how damaging the relationship had become and I knew that him marrying someone else was the best way to keep him away from me long enough for me to regain my strength.

This is no longer about hurting him or revenge or anything else. It is about my survival.

I would agree with this.

take care,

Claire

Thanks Claire.

My healing is coming leaps and bounds... .in fact, warning this poor girl is making my suffering have some meaning.  I don't blame her for falling for him, she doesn't deserve what he is capable of and what he will become.  To be honest, she was so sweet in giving me the opportunity to talk.  If someone had called me 2 weeks before my wedding then I don't really know how I would react.