Applying/sharing what has been learned

[Depression = 72% of members]

My sister in law (by marriage -meaning wifes SIL... .not sure what that is to me technically) called me last night to chat.  She is an ENT surgeon.  Very smart and capable woman.  Driven, and used to being in charge and more notably in control.

A big long vent on some things going on with her practice where a couple of the other partners ganged up on her and took advantage (back stabbing, etc etc).  Turns out, there are all flavors of difficult people.  And some of this gets pretty serious (lawsuits, malpractice, peoples lives, etc etc)

She was seeing a psychologist to try to help her manage/cope through the situation, but it didnt seem to be helping much so she wanted my perspective (she has a pretty good appreciation of what I have been up against in my marriage).  What I found myself telling her were some of the basics of this site:

You cant control other people.

Detachment is healthy, and recognizing the reality of a situation for what it IS.

Which then allows decision making.  CHOICE.  On your own part.

Even if you dont at all like any of the choices you have, ACCEPTANCE of the reality of the choices allows you to regain a sense of control over what you do control - your own actions.

Sometimes we 'say' we are accepting the reality, but then things still upset us (other peoples behavior for example).  Which in a way just means we havent completely accepted it, and are still trying to obtain a different outcome or choice.

And I planted the seed that, in some way, going through all this was going to make her better, and stronger as a person.  And to hold onto that thought.  Because no doubt there will be opportunities in the future to apply the insights being learned right at this time - no matter how painful.

Just thought I would throw a post up.

The strength, insights, skills, tools that we learn having been in the BPD relationship are valuable with many situations/people, and especially in the early stages of forming a relationship when there are still choices. 

So go forward with the confidence in your new found wisdom, and make better future choices for yourself.

[yeeter]

My sister in law (by marriage -meaning wifes SIL... .not sure what that is to me technically) called me last night to chat.  She is an ENT surgeon.  Very smart and capable woman.  Driven, and used to being in charge and more notably in control.

A big long vent on some things going on with her practice where a couple of the other partners ganged up on her and took advantage (back stabbing, etc etc).  Turns out, there are all flavors of difficult people.  And some of this gets pretty serious (lawsuits, malpractice, peoples lives, etc etc)

She was seeing a psychologist to try to help her manage/cope through the situation, but it didnt seem to be helping much so she wanted my perspective (she has a pretty good appreciation of what I have been up against in my marriage).  What I found myself telling her were some of the basics of this site:

You cant control other people.

Detachment is healthy, and recognizing the reality of a situation for what it IS.

Which then allows decision making.  CHOICE.  On your own part.

Even if you dont at all like any of the choices you have, ACCEPTANCE of the reality of the choices allows you to regain a sense of control over what you do control - your own actions.

Sometimes we 'say' we are accepting the reality, but then things still upset us (other peoples behavior for example).  Which in a way just means we havent completely accepted it, and are still trying to obtain a different outcome or choice.

And I planted the seed that, in some way, going through all this was going to make her better, and stronger as a person.  And to hold onto that thought.  Because no doubt there will be opportunities in the future to apply the insights being learned right at this time - no matter how painful.

Just thought I would throw a post up.

The strength, insights, skills, tools that we learn having been in the BPD relationship are valuable with many situations/people, and especially in the early stages of forming a relationship when there are still choices. 

So go forward with the confidence in your new found wisdom, and make better future choices for yourself.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Phoenix.Rising]

I like your post, especially what you said about Acceptance.  I need to apply acceptance to a current family situation that arose over the holidays and has since been eating at me.  Thank you!

[waverider]

Good post Yeets another example of what I always say, even if we ultimately fail in our attempts to save a BPD RS we learn a lot and come out of it wiser. That is good self validation.

The comment on failure to truly Accept is spot on. Acceptance is essential to get anywhere. But we also have to accept that we may not reach it's true sense. That is ok, just as long as we keep striving and we get past the lip service stage and do our best.

We are already better for at least trying.

If I had never faced this disorder I would not be who I am now, and I like who I am now.