I feel I will be stepping up to the plate to take the swing (not physically, even though she has wrestled me and hurt me before)and finally hit the grand slam home run for me and my kids. I am nervous about her response.
It's a really, really, really good idea to record your interactions with her. In some states, it's legal, others it isn't. But if she has attacked you before, and you think that asking for divorce is going to trigger her, recording it will give you some insurance. For two reasons. One, she may accuse you of attacking her. And two, if it's legal to enter as evidence into your case, it could affect custody. Check with your lawyer on this.
I have made contact with a lawyer. I want to start with a legal separation. I can't afford to get divorced and also don't want to rip the kids out of their current school after several moves and several schools already. They deserve some consistency and normalcy.
Does your L recommend this route? I'm in a state where you have to be legally separated a year before filing for divorce, which initially frustrated me. But the truth is, what really counts is the temporary order or temporary custody agreement, sometimes called the consent order (which is permanent, for all intents and purposes) so pay careful attention to the negotiation over that. It will set up the status quo that all other orders are based on. Temporary becomes permanent. Then, after a year of legal separation, I filed for divorce. Honestly? It barely registered. The truth heart of the divorce process is the financial settlement and the custody order. They are their own legal milestones, far more important that the actual divorce decree.
My kids therapist has acknowledged I have been functioning as Mom, Dad, and Grandparents to my kids for so many years, when I brought my oldest for a session after the I want to run away episode. He is still very edgy, but he and I have had some great laughs watching 60's sitcoms on the Roku.
How old are your kids? Which ones will be affected by the divorce (in terms of custody)? Any chance they are, or are willing to be, in therapy?
So board members, how have you phrased it? I know you all survived. Can I? How can I say it other than the facts speak for themselves? Knowing her, and the chaos she caused is a known evil; it is this unknown future that really scares me. What kind of plan should I have in place? How volatile do they become when faced with the abandonment?
I left first, then explained later. I did not want my child to witness the abuse, whether emotional, psychological, or verbal. I developed a plan and worked on it for about a year, staging everything so I was ready to go. Had a place lined up, increased my hours at work so I would have health care, saved a small sum of money to help tide me over between the time I left and the financial settlement took place. Remove all legal/financial documents to a safe place, photocopy what you need, and anything sentimental that you want to preserve, move that too.
If you are worried for your safety, or for your kids' safety, then plan accordingly. With anyone else (ie. non BPD), I would've sat down and had a "talk" about the relationship not working. With BPD, it's safety first. Tell your kids what is going to happen, and have them stay somewhere else if you can. Have a place where you can go if things escalate.
If you decide to tell her while you're both in the house, then record it. Or have a third-party (non-family member) be close by so you have a witness.
In terms of who moves out first -- the prevailing wisdom is that you should not leave the house if you intend to stay in it. But if you have a feeling she is going to escalate to the point of hurting you, or making a false allegation, then err on the side of safety.
What kind of custody arrangement are you hoping to set up?
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