How to say goodbye and what does the future hold?

[gary seven]

My stbBPDxw and I agreed to a thirty day cooling off after her most recent outbreak  had my oldest child announcing he was running away from home because he couldn't stand her screaming all the time. He took the car keys and ran up and down the driveway screaming at the top of his lungs while she was outside telling me "We have things to discuss you (me) need to come inside."

For me, after 10 years, three kids, and my overwhelming desire to protect the kids --no matter what-- and at whatever cost to me (personally, having been thrown out of two towns and two jobs b/c of her, and professionally having been sanctioned at current job for more time missed (now protected under FMLA) ), I can no longer sanction her participation in this family.

Like a true BPD, and as I have read here, she turned into Cinderella and has taken over every job I did for the past 10 years:  the breakfasts and dinners, the making of the school lunches, using the dishwasher, doing all the laundry, the morning drive to school drop off, hiring babysitter "n+1", dealing with service people, etc.   

Like too good to be true.  "How was work today?"  ":)on't you think you should take some time to spend with each child?"  "Let's go ahead  with your idea and put the stereo in the foyer and play music all the time"  "Look what I found in my closet that fits perfectly"  "Remember when we were dating ... "  She even has the 2013 taxes ready to be filed.  Seriously.

The Cooling off concludes shortly after New Years.  I will need to tell her we're done.

I feel I will be stepping up to the plate to take the swing (not physically, even though she has wrestled me and hurt me before)and finally hit the grand slam home run for me and my kids.  I am nervous about her response.  I know there will be a lot of crying. And probably a mean barrage of fireworks unlike what I have been subjected to .  And I am sure it will be in front of the kids like all these past years of screaming were, despite thousands spent on marriage therapy and personal treatments for her that advise it the wrong thing to do.


I have made contact with a lawyer.  I want to start with a legal separation.  I can't afford to get divorced and also don't want to rip the kids out of their current school after several moves and several schools already.  They deserve some consistency and normalcy. 

My kids therapist has acknowledged I have been functioning as Mom, Dad, and Grandparents to my kids for so many years, when I brought my oldest for a session after the I want to run away episode.  He is still very edgy, but he and I have had some great laughs watching 60's sitcoms on the Roku.

So board members, how have you phrased it?  I know you all survived.  Can I?  How can I say it other than the facts speak for themselves?  Knowing her, and the chaos she caused is a known evil; it is this unknown future that really scares me.  What kind of plan should I have in place?  How volatile do they become when faced with  the abandonment? 

 





 

[ForeverDad]

Wow, that was quite an account.  So now that the end is near, she's all of a sudden reversed past behaviors?  Generally that doesn't last very long and eventually reverts back to prior patterns.

I have made contact with a lawyer.  I want to start with a legal separation.  I can't afford to get divorced and also don't want to rip the kids out of their current school after several moves and several schools already.  They deserve some consistency and normalcy.

A few ideas here.  Can you find a reasonably priced place to live that's close to their current school so all they'd need to do is take a different bus to or from school?

Depending on your state, legal separation may not be cheaper, much less advisable.  (Frankly, very, very few people do legal separation, relationships either prosper or fail, very hard to put them "on hold".  I recall my lawyer telling me that in my state a legal separation would still require a Custody Evaluation if custody was contested.  He then said that if later either of us decided to go ahead and divorce, then the first CE would be tossed out and a second CE would be done all over again and the second time around my ex might have learned how to fool the evaluator.  I realized that my circumstances meant that legal separation would have doubled my expenses and could even have worsened my eventual outcome.

Some aspects of your case will be like a sprint, such as seeking the best temporary order possible from the very start.  Beware of fooling yourself that your ex will reciprocate similarly if you're nice and generous to your ex with money, parenting or custody.  Other aspects will be like a marathon, with the outcomes taking years, so pace yourself accordingly.

Repeat:  Beware of sabotaging yourself by being too nice, too generous, too whatever.  It has been noted here that the misbehaving parent seldom gets consequences and the well behaving parent seldom gets credit.  So do what's best for you and for your kids.  Sadly, at this point you can't risk having her on your priority list.

[momtara]

ForeverDad, is it best for him to move out, if he's seeking custody? 

It depends on the kind of custody you want.  But you should hold on to all your evidence of her behavior (and make tapes and stuff) so that she can't make a false claim that you hit her or something in order to keep you from the kids.  (Luckily they sound old enough to testify about the truth, but one never knows.)  Otherwise I don't see why you should be the one to move out unless you want to.  It is a volatile situation so a lawyer would know best.

You can post questions on avvo.com and get legal advice for free.

How bad will it get?  Hard to say.  She will try to suck you back in with promises to change, so you may need to prepare how you will respond.

[ForeverDad]

I have made contact with a lawyer.  I want to start with a legal separation.  I can't afford to get divorced and also don't want to rip the kids out of their current school after several moves and several schools already.  They deserve some consistency and normalcy.

A few ideas here.  Can you find a reasonably priced place to live that's close to their current school so all they'd need to do is take a different bus to or from school?

ForeverDad, is it best for him to move out, if he's seeking custody? 

It depends on the kind of custody you want.  But you should hold on to all your evidence of her behavior (and make tapes and stuff) so that she can't make a false claim that you hit her or something in order to keep you from the kids.  (Luckily they sound old enough to testify about the truth, but one never knows.)  Otherwise I don't see why you should be the one to move out unless you want to.  It is a volatile situation so a lawyer would know best.

He mentioned not wanting the children to move again, so I thought he could be contemplating moving out.  I'm not advocating that, though, since we generally say it's best to get a temporary order before moving out.  (Sometimes false allegations are made and then we don't get to decide whether or when to separate.)  It's too easy for the other parent to claim we "left" or "abandoned" or "don't care about the children" or whatever when the fact is we were "driven out" one way or another.

How bad will it get?  Hard to say.  She will try to suck you back in with promises to change, so you may need to prepare how you will respond.

Plan and prepare for the worst while hoping for the best.  For some it is somewhere in between, but for too many of us it was even worse than we ever thought possible.  Yet there was no going back to the old patterns, the way things were.

Don't expect her nice attitude or recent energy to last.  At some point your spouse will realize you're not letting yourself be conned or forced into appeaser mode like before and then she may focus even more energy against you.  Search here for the phrase "extinction burst" where she will try to overwhelm your new boundaries and decision to end the life in chaos.

[livednlearned]

I feel I will be stepping up to the plate to take the swing (not physically, even though she has wrestled me and hurt me before)and finally hit the grand slam home run for me and my kids.  I am nervous about her response.

It's a really, really, really good idea to record your interactions with her. In some states, it's legal, others it isn't. But if she has attacked you before, and you think that asking for divorce is going to trigger her, recording it will give you some insurance. For two reasons. One, she may accuse you of attacking her. And two, if it's legal to enter as evidence into your case, it could affect custody. Check with your lawyer on this.

I have made contact with a lawyer.  I want to start with a legal separation.  I can't afford to get divorced and also don't want to rip the kids out of their current school after several moves and several schools already.  They deserve some consistency and normalcy.  

Does your L recommend this route? I'm in a state where you have to be legally separated a year before filing for divorce, which initially frustrated me. But the truth is, what really counts is the temporary order or temporary custody agreement, sometimes called the consent order (which is permanent, for all intents and purposes) so pay careful attention to the negotiation over that. It will set up the status quo that all other orders are based on. Temporary becomes permanent. Then, after a year of legal separation, I filed for divorce. Honestly? It barely registered. The truth heart of the divorce process is the financial settlement and the custody order. They are their own legal milestones, far more important that the actual divorce decree.

My kids therapist has acknowledged I have been functioning as Mom, Dad, and Grandparents to my kids for so many years, when I brought my oldest for a session after the I want to run away episode.  He is still very edgy, but he and I have had some great laughs watching 60's sitcoms on the Roku.

How old are your kids? Which ones will be affected by the divorce (in terms of custody)? Any chance they are, or are willing to be, in therapy?

So board members, how have you phrased it?  I know you all survived.  Can I?  How can I say it other than the facts speak for themselves?  Knowing her, and the chaos she caused is a known evil; it is this unknown future that really scares me.  What kind of plan should I have in place?  How volatile do they become when faced with  the abandonment?  

I left first, then explained later. I did not want my child to witness the abuse, whether emotional, psychological, or verbal. I developed a plan and worked on it for about a year, staging everything so I was ready to go. Had a place lined up, increased my hours at work so I would have health care, saved a small sum of money to help tide me over between the time I left and the financial settlement took place. Remove all legal/financial documents to a safe place, photocopy what you need, and anything sentimental that you want to preserve, move that too.

If you are worried for your safety, or for your kids' safety, then plan accordingly. With anyone else (ie. non BPD), I would've sat down and had a "talk" about the relationship not working. With BPD, it's safety first. Tell your kids what is going to happen, and have them stay somewhere else if you can. Have a place where you can go if things escalate.

If you decide to tell her while you're both in the house, then record it. Or have a third-party (non-family member) be close by so you have a witness.

In terms of who moves out first -- the prevailing wisdom is that you should not leave the house if you intend to stay in it. But if you have a feeling she is going to escalate to the point of hurting you, or making a false allegation, then err on the side of safety.

What kind of custody arrangement are you hoping to set up?

 





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