BPD Even At A Distance- Never Trust, Even When Nice

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

This really isn't something dramatic here, so if there are more interesting posts to read, by all means, move along... .

I took the kids (S3, D1) out of town for three days starting Christmas Day. I started packing their clothes and things, Christmas morning, but my X came in and did it for me. Laying out specific outfits for each day, She even took S3's clothes out of my bag, which I had already packed (thus when I got there, I found the t-shirts weren't in the bag, too many cooks).

She packed two major, cute outfits for D1 for day specific activities. No big deal. I thanked her for packing for them and that I appreciated it.

Yesterday, she texted me how the kids were doing... .calling in the morning, and afternoon and also night (though we weren't always available). This was quite the change for when I took them out of town for two days a month ago, and we hardly heard from her, as I was sure she was still out medicating with her boy-toy. The last two weeks, she's majorly engaged more with the house and the kids, so as a friend of mine said, "that will die down exponentially." Probably right. Makes no difference for she and I.

So she texted that I hadn't sent any pics of the kids. I got that she missed them (unlike last month where I didn't sense that), so I sent some pretty good pics of our activities, including taking them to their first snow, which was more like large patches of ice which hadn't melted. Technically, snow though.

I get back today (we went 3 hours away) and one of the first things shes said was that D1 was wearing the wrong outfit, and that she knew it when she saw the pics yesterday. Also, that from the pic, she could tell D1 was so cold because she wasn't wearing the proper undershirt she had laid out. I said that she wasn't that cold because she wasn't shivering and we weren't outside all that long anyway. I grew up there, I know what I am talking about, eh? (I didn't say this last part). Then she says her hair, which is wild anyway, needed to be combed. I told her I had just combed it not a few minutes before. Then my X said that her hair was all over the place and that she wanted people to see a cute baby (here--- the kids as a reflection or part of her, not as separate entities). I'll tell you all, even were I not the father, our kids are very good looking, and D1 especially is a very cute baby both in looks and personality, in addition to being very funny. I was complimented at the Christmas night get-together I went to, by people I'd never even met, on how much of a trooper she was to have hung in that long without acting out. It was only once when S3 was giving her a hard time. If my X were there? It would have been constant walking in eggshells, worrying if people thought we were bad parents because our kids acted like... .well, kids!

So I got home, very tired, loved the time with them, but still got this undercurrent of walking on eggshells because I didn't follow The Plan 100%. It doesn't make me angry, not that she raised her voice anyway, it is just this constant criticism that I can do nothing right, that elicits anxiety in me. I really have to find a way to deal with this, since I'll be co-parenting for over the next decade... .This is BPD: because she's anxious, I need to be as well. Because she's in pain, I need to feel that, too.

[Turkish]

This really isn't something dramatic here, so if there are more interesting posts to read, by all means, move along... .

I took the kids (S3, D1) out of town for three days starting Christmas Day. I started packing their clothes and things, Christmas morning, but my X came in and did it for me. Laying out specific outfits for each day, She even took S3's clothes out of my bag, which I had already packed (thus when I got there, I found the t-shirts weren't in the bag, too many cooks).

She packed two major, cute outfits for D1 for day specific activities. No big deal. I thanked her for packing for them and that I appreciated it.

Yesterday, she texted me how the kids were doing... .calling in the morning, and afternoon and also night (though we weren't always available). This was quite the change for when I took them out of town for two days a month ago, and we hardly heard from her, as I was sure she was still out medicating with her boy-toy. The last two weeks, she's majorly engaged more with the house and the kids, so as a friend of mine said, "that will die down exponentially." Probably right. Makes no difference for she and I.

So she texted that I hadn't sent any pics of the kids. I got that she missed them (unlike last month where I didn't sense that), so I sent some pretty good pics of our activities, including taking them to their first snow, which was more like large patches of ice which hadn't melted. Technically, snow though.

I get back today (we went 3 hours away) and one of the first things shes said was that D1 was wearing the wrong outfit, and that she knew it when she saw the pics yesterday. Also, that from the pic, she could tell D1 was so cold because she wasn't wearing the proper undershirt she had laid out. I said that she wasn't that cold because she wasn't shivering and we weren't outside all that long anyway. I grew up there, I know what I am talking about, eh? (I didn't say this last part). Then she says her hair, which is wild anyway, needed to be combed. I told her I had just combed it not a few minutes before. Then my X said that her hair was all over the place and that she wanted people to see a cute baby (here--- the kids as a reflection or part of her, not as separate entities). I'll tell you all, even were I not the father, our kids are very good looking, and D1 especially is a very cute baby both in looks and personality, in addition to being very funny. I was complimented at the Christmas night get-together I went to, by people I'd never even met, on how much of a trooper she was to have hung in that long without acting out. It was only once when S3 was giving her a hard time. If my X were there? It would have been constant walking in eggshells, worrying if people thought we were bad parents because our kids acted like... .well, kids!

So I got home, very tired, loved the time with them, but still got this undercurrent of walking on eggshells because I didn't follow The Plan 100%. It doesn't make me angry, not that she raised her voice anyway, it is just this constant criticism that I can do nothing right, that elicits anxiety in me. I really have to find a way to deal with this, since I'll be co-parenting for over the next decade... .This is BPD: because she's anxious, I need to be as well. Because she's in pain, I need to feel that, too.

[Ironmanrises]

Because she doesn't know how to self soothe. I'm really sorry you are in the perpetual no mans land of having her physically around you. It takes someone with a firm constitution to be able to withstand that, like the Titan Atlas himself; forever holding up the world on his shoulders. Hang in there Turkish. We read your words. Know that you are heard.

[santa]

There is nothing you can do or say that will please her. Just do what makes you happy. She's going to have a problem with it either way.

[blueeyedjess]

There is nothing you can do or say that will please her. Just do what makes you happy. She's going to have a problem with it either way.

This just fully dawned on me today. I have often felt like there was no "winning" but it fully hit me at therapy today that I have been acting like sisyphyus for 12 years. Push the rock- the rock rolls back. Pull the rock- the rock rolls back. Etc... .Sigh...

[Turkish]

Because she doesn't know how to self soothe. I'm really sorry you are in the perpetual no mans land of having her physically around you. It takes someone with a firm constitution to be able to withstand that, like the Titan Atlas himself; forever holding up the world on his shoulders. Hang in there Turkish. We read your words. Know that you are heard.

Thanks Ironman (and santa). I let her look at the pics on my phone and she was going off on it again, zooming in and saying "look at her hands!" the pics were dark... .not sure how she could tell. It was the disorder speaking, I guess. I should have just said "no." Once again, thought I was being nice. She never got it when I called her on the way she was. She never will. Let some other poor sod get it.

[Turkish]

There is nothing you can do or say that will please her. Just do what makes you happy. She's going to have a problem with it either way.

This just fully dawned on me today. I have often felt like there was no "winning" but it fully hit me at therapy today that I have been acting like sisyphyus for 12 years. Push the rock- the rock rolls back. Pull the rock- the rock rolls back. Etc... .Sigh...

The Ancients knew tragedy... .humanity never changes. Can't change that, only ourselves. Hang in there, it will get better. Carve away that stone. 

[TakingWingAtLast]

Turkish,

It's just one more lesson, dear friend, to tell you to disengage!  While I agree you are a trooper to be strong when she is around, I know that it still hurts.  So, as always take care of yourself first, then that will take care of the kids by definition.   I'm hoping the new year is the best for you!

D

[Turkish]

Turkish,

It's just one more lesson, dear friend, to tell you to disengage!  While I agree you are a trooper to be strong when she is around, I know that it still hurts.  So, as always take care of yourself first, then that will take care of the kids by definition.   I'm hoping the new year is the best for you!

D

thanks, D.  She just left for the night because I  have friends coming from it if town and we need the room.  sure as Heck we aren't sharing a bed again. I  didn't kick her out,  she offered,  which was nice... .I  guess.  going to supposedly stay with her mom.  I'll resist the urge to confirm that.

[TakingWingAtLast]

Turkish,

I am ambivalent about confirming such things.   Seeing the reality of the pwBPD's lies and fantasies, etc., etc., I think is a good way to learn to disengage.   But it is a painful way of doing it!   Not for the weak of heart, for sure!

But I already know that you have a strength, so why not call to confirm?   The reality just helps you see more clearly.   Especially, if it means you don't have to engage her at all.  If you do have to engage, then you are probably right, resist the urge.

My two cents ONLY of course!

D

[Turkish]

Turkish,

I am ambivalent about confirming such things.   Seeing the reality of the pwBPD's lies and fantasies, etc., etc., I think is a good way to learn to disengage.   But it is a painful way of doing it!   Not for the weak of heart, for sure!

But I already know that you have a strength, so why not call to confirm?   The reality just helps you see more clearly.   Especially, if it means you don't have to engage her at all.  If you do have to engage, then you are probably right, resist the urge.

My two cents ONLY of course!

D

I don't know, D. I don't want to talk to her family more, and she could have well as gone out during daytime the psst few days anyway. She did stay the past few nights unlike a month ago. As someone else here said, she's a free agent now. Let her worty about herself. She did say tonight that she might be able to get out by the end of jan. I haven't told her about filing with the court about cs and custody yet. I expect some more drama in a week or so when that happens.

[GreenMango]

Turkish it is real easy for her to be the judgemental absent parent when she's not there and feels somehow its a reflection on her and her mothering.

Ya know what though - if she doesn't like it she could be there.

You and the kids sound like you had a good time.  They weren't in danger and they had fun.  They got a little dirty or wet from snow- kids get dirty and wet sometimes snow is like that.

Here's the thing with her asking for pics - maybe limit what you send her to just the first picture early where everyone is together.  Ya know the "setup" kid shot and leave it at that.  Then she doesn't have anyhing to pick at you or the kids about later.  It's hard to make up for the lack of someone else's presence with pictures - she's going to have to come to terms with that on her own.  Like you said her anxiety and insecurities didn't need to be the rest of your problem.

It's really hard to step out of the crazy making.  Youre doing a good job.  One day at a time.

Happy holidays Turk 

[laelle]

Because she doesn't know how to self soothe. I'm really sorry you are in the perpetual no mans land of having her physically around you. It takes someone with a firm constitution to be able to withstand that, like the Titan Atlas himself; forever holding up the world on his shoulders. Hang in there Turkish. We read your words. Know that you are heard.

Thanks Ironman (and santa). I let her look at the pics on my phone and she was going off on it again, zooming in and saying "look at her hands!" the pics were dark... .not sure how she could tell. It was the disorder speaking, I guess. I should have just said "no." Once again, thought I was being nice. She never got it when I called her on the way she was. She never will. Let some other poor sod get it.

I think her acting out is from her fear of abandonment... .She is probably anxious with the kids being away and in addition she is not "needed".  Everything that she did from the packing to the comments after is your ex trying desperately to prove to herself that she is still needed.  She felt "insufficient", and arguing about it invalidated her efforts to convince herself that she "IS" needed.  (shame, low self)    Can you think of a SET response from you that could have "possibly" helped her "deal" with those feelings?

Last month, maybe she was focused on something else, and those fears were not triggered.  As she seems to be trying to get "closer" to you this month (packing your clothes, etc)

It is possible she has become engulfed in another relationship and is running back to the stable feeling that you provide for her?

She wont change, and as you are in this for the long haul, learning her language is vital!  listen to what she is trying to say... .

"Wow, yeah, I can understand you being worried about the kids, and it was cold this weekend.  As I know you enjoy planning things, if there is another occasion to take them out of town again, do you think you would be interested in writing it down for me? Sometimes I forget things, and your planning was a big help."  "The kids had a great time, and they really missed their mommy."  Listen to her response...   follow by "Ah, I get what your sayin there".   acknowledge her response thoughtfully... .(or pretend to  )

Drop the subject, and ask her something about herself... .  "How did that meeting with so an so go?" etc...  

I know its not easy, and even at our best, sometimes it still does not work.  I really empathize with you on this.