I´m back. Missing you all

[Esperança_Hope]

Hi, dear fellows! I miss you all!I wonder all of you have had strong to cope with Xmas parties. I wish you all love, tenderness and peace.

After a long break here I am. My son, DS32 is doing well. 2013 has been , for us all, a good year. He came back to São Paulo, where he lives in his own apartment. We pay a kind of "nurse" ( a nice woman who took care for years of my mom) She is working with us since 2000. And he is working in his little office with a friend. A good boy we know anfd love since their childhood. He´s very well. He´s in love with good woman , 17 years elder than he. They arrived here in Bahia to stay with us during the new year hollidays. I want to talk to this  sister in law about BPD. Would you help me? Love, Esperança.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[llbee814]

So happy to see your post and to hear you and your ds are well... .blessings!   

[peaceplease]

Esperanca,

.  It is great to hear from you.  It's good to hear that your ds is doing well.

peaceplease

[Esperança_Hope]

Peaceplease, I´m so thankful and so glad for your message. My english is rusty. I don´t have here in Bahia enough opportunities to practice. So, i wrote worng. I want to konow if it would be good if i talk to my DS32 girlfriend about BPD. She is soi nice, a yoga master, she´s 45, three sons . She is divorced aand there are many issues i in all this. His drive habbilitation is supended until 2015 because he drives badly, many accidents. So, they came by car. I knew he drove a lot withou the licence. It´s is agaisnt my sense of write and wrong. . The next days he and she are planning to go to the many beaches nearby... .but i refuse to go in the car with him driving. /is against law and i dont feel is the wright thing to do... .so, i want to tell him i´ll not accept him driving with me in the car. I can´t control him and she... .but i can say no! I don´t want to be an accomplince of this.  I onoew he will get mada... he travel a lot to visit us... but what is right isright and what´s wrong is wrong. I´m not a relativist. So, tomorrow - wow - today ... Sunday they will go to a bech. It´s sunday and i told i will not because i never missthe sauday mass.  Them they will come back and spende the New year eve with us and a lot of ourfriends. . Desr fellows ineed the right words and good validatio maybe sayong to say to him: Listen to me ith an open mind andsoul, plese. i know you love to drive, you came driving illegally ... it´s your choice and your´s girlfriend choice but its not mine. If any of you have an other suggestion i would appreciate!

[crazedncrazymom]

Hi Esperanca!

So good to hear from you! You probably won't remember me as I joined BPD Family not too long before you left. 

I completely agree with you about not getting in a car with your son driving.  One of the things I remember about you is your great sense of right and wrong.  You have a very good moral compass.  Could you offer to do the driving "just so ds can see the beautiful scenery he's been missing"? 

It is so tricky to tell someone about BPD.  Do you think this would trigger your son?  Could this cause her to break up with him?  What would your son gain from having his girlfriend know about his BPD?  I'm not sure if I would tell her.  If anything, I would talk to them both about really listening and validating each other.  I would explain the importance of SET statements when they need to tell the other something he/she wouldn't want to hear.  Those skills are great for everyone to use. 

-crazed

[Monarch Butterfly]

Esperança!

   I am from Brazil too! Small world!  As soon as I saw your name I knew I had to read your post. I am still kind of new to this BPD world - found out about all of this in August this year. I am so glad this community exist. 

Wishing you a great year that is ahead... .

 

[js friend]

Hi Esperanca,!

Im so glad you are enjoying better days with your ds than the last time you were here.



I think crazedmoms idea of someone else driving so ds and his gf can take it easy is a good one.I think i would try to get your ds and gf to do some outside activites like picnics and visit markets if there are any within walking  distance. That way the car will be left at home, and you can all get some exercise and fresh air and the same time. 

And it is always handy to have a list of  taxi numbers available  especailly before Newyears celebrations particularly if there is going to be any drinking involved.

I know it is a worry for you, but other than inform the police I think finding creative ways of getting him to leave the car at home could be fun.

Of course on the other hand if he decides to drive you are within your rights to say no, and i would do the same., but as you have pointed out we cannot control another person especially our pwBPDs.

I also wouldnt bring up BPD to his g/f. If she has trust in you she will come to you in time.for the moment they seem to be in the honeymoon phase and are enjoying each others company.

And as your ds g/f is a yoga master your ds may be calm and chilled at the moment if he has taken on his g/f characteristics as pwBPD so often do so she may not have even seen any signs of BPD behaviour.

[Esperança_Hope]

  everybody!

I´m thankful you answered so worthy way. I always knew this is the right place.  I´ll try these nice ideas.  You´re so sage! Believe me! Our  BPD´s parenting teach a lot and our good  will to learn also makes the difference.  I really missed you a lot. I know i was away from here because my DS went to live in his house far from here and i pushed away the BPD issue! I concentrated myself in me, my dh and cats, and garden. 2012 was very hard with ds living in here after the car crash... .but this is past and i´m looking forward!  Thank you a lot. You´re so great! Love Esperança. PS: MButterfly isnt´it great to find this place to talk?  I wish you strengh .

[qcarolr]

Esperança_Hope - I am so happy to hear from you. Often you have been in my thoughts, praying that you were find peace and joy in your day to day life. It is good to have a break from our troubled kids to take care of ourselves. I am joyful about this being a good year for your DS, and this awesome new gf.

It is so important for our kids to have healthy partners that can keep them grounded. As parents we only get small glimpses of our grown kids lives. It feels like you are seeing a good relationship here. I would suggest continuing to keep some space with your son and his gf. Focus on simply enjoying their visit.

You have a strong faith. Trust God to care for you DS. The best you are doing is to love him and listen to his stories of his life. He gets to choose what to share with you.

The driving! This also is his to choose - this risks he knows what they are. Can you gently, without judgement, offer that you prefer to drive separately to the beach or other gatherings? Without too much explanation - it is simply your preference? This is very difficult to do from our old patterns as a parent.

I am here less, and so happy did not miss your post. Thank you for your reply on my post so I came to look for you here.

qcr  

[Esperança_Hope]

There you are, dear qcarlor

I miss you so, , so much.  It´s true my fatih is storng as long the Holly Sprit gives me the grace . I try to my best with god.  I loved you´re words. It´s so hard to tell DS I´m happy to have him here for the holidays and so  on. See his beautiful blue eyes trying to manipulate me LOL. All i can do is listen, love and validate! and respect my boundaries. I´ll not take the risk. the problem is how to tell him in a good way. Without this felling i am a bad mother, not acomplice c... .- my ilness, I know. Dh helped me a lot telling not  to  go far into DS XDL relationship. She is nice , they are in love, she validates him all the time. But, i feel she is  overly tolerant... maybe in a couple months i´ll suggest her to  worship the partners board. So, today , is sunday and they went to the nice beaches nearby. I´m relaxing with dh and 4 cats1 Dh is cooking my favourite pasta! and i have time to think, to pray and put my mind and heart in a better way. I was so confused the past days since DS, DDL arrived. I love this group, you ´re one of my guardian angels. there are  others in here. Vivek, twojaybirds, peaceplease, i forgott many nick names. step by step i´ll recover. I´m trying to read the posts... .it´s so good  to be here again. DS brought me to this wonderful place, in a way, because when he is far form here pshically i don´t feel the pressure  It´s weird to say that. but my gratefullness is trustfull ( oh my God, this english is rusty and  hard to understand... i´m sorry!). I´m reading your posts. trying to figure the mood, the situation your family is going truth. You´re life is an example allways, dear qcarolr. Love you