Today I made a mistake - but that was a GOOD thing for me.

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I had a really odd dream last night about my ex.

This morning,my neighbor Anne stopped by to see how I was doing (have been sick with a lung inflammation). She could tell that I was a bit meh, so she asked what was going on and we talked about the dream for a while. Now her sister has just left an abusive man (physical AND emotional abuse, he's a diagnosed psykopath), so she's got some knowledge about it. At some point she asked if I had a picture of him, she was curious to see what he looked like. I didn't, but I knew that his mother has a picture of herself and him as her coverpicture on Facebook.

So I got on FB to show Anne. But I did not find the picture I expected. She had uploaded a new one right before Christmas. And honestly, I was shocked.

The handsome man I dated is gone. In his place is a guy with 3 chins, cleanshaven, an almost military style haircut (his hair was half long and unruly and awesome when we dated and he had a beard), paste colored skin and a very tiiiiired look on his face. The old picture was still visible, so I showed Anne THAT too and even though she'd never seen him before, she was shocked at the difference.

So yeah, that triggered a few things and for the first time since I walked away from him a year ago, I stumbled in my healingprocess and took a tiny step sideways (can't say back, cause it didn't make me miss him or long for days gone by or anything). What I did was go to his FA page, I got curious. Not even sure why, I think the drastic change in his looks just really hit hard.

You see, on August 28th, I started to play WoW again, bringing two friends to the game with me, so we could play and have fun together. I had missed my friends on WoW, missed playing with my guildies and hanging out on voicechat and such. On my first night back my friend S and I hopped on the voicechat, so I could introduce him to my friends and guildies and do a bit of catching up with them all. And 3 minutes after, BOOM, there was my ex on voicechat, something he never uses outside raids.

He kept commenting on everything I said, did, etc., really just zoomed in and had 100% focus on me and ONLY me that evening. I replied to his direct questions in a polite, yet chilly manner. His random commenting on everything I said or did etc. I ignored and didn't respond to. He could as well have been a piece of furniture, that is how much I interacted with him.

It got late and he had work the next day, so he had to go to bed. Before he did, he said goodnight to everyone and then added "(my name), it was REALLY good to see you again." All he got in response to that was a chilly "Thanks" from me. No "likewise" or anything else.

Over the next 1½ months he kept that up, along with making almost desperate attempts to figure out which role my friend S (who I had brught into the guild and the game when I came back) played in my life. Someone directly said to me that they were just waiting for my ex to scream out in desperation and demanding S to "Whip it out, lay it on the table so they could measure them!". That really made me chuckle, I thought it was just me bring overly 'sensitive' about my ex's curiousity, but nopes, it wasn't.

S had to move from the US with his job around the middle of October, so he's now 2 hours ahead of my time instead of 7 hours behind as before. But because of his job, he hasn't been online a lot, sadly. So I started to get a bit bored with WoW, missing running around questing and having fun with S. And I also felt that my ex was being a biiiit too 'attentive' towards me. Knowing about BPD what I know now and didn't know when I walked away, it was so easy to see through the mindgames and all his other little tricks to get my attention. I didn't reward him with much, I kept a safe barrier up between his curious questions/attempts to be 'friendly' (yes, he again pulled the 'Oh look, she and I have had a thing, I know intimate details about her body' stunts in front of ALL our mutual friends AND S several times!) that he had been throwing my way since I got back. One night it finally became too much.

It was when he got on voicechat, knowing I was there and started talking about my cats like if he had just seen them and seen me and my love for them the day before - uuuurrrrghhh!

So I politely steered the conversation towards WoW and far away from my personal life/RL life as possible. Then I proceeded to tell him that I was gonna take another break from WoW, because I was really boored without S there, the game wasn't fun when I couldn't run around with him. My ex did try his best to not say anything, but his voice said it all, he was NOT happy with me not 'settling' for HIS company ingame and wanting another man's company instead - funny, considering that S is a friend and ONLY a friend (my ex STILL doesn't know which role S fills in my life  Heh!).

I haven't been online since and that is 3 weeks ago.

But because of the slip-up today, I did check the ex's FA page. And what do I find, posted in his journal on the 30th of August (TWO days after I returned to WoW!)?

THIS song, with a few words about how he basically dared people to listen to it without crying: www.youtube.com/watch?v=gZ3VbZz4iAs

You can look up the lyrics or listen to it, they repeats themselves and boil down to these few lines:

"But the memories always linger on oh sweet lorraine I don't wanna move on

But the memories always linger on oh sweet lorraine that's why I wrote you this song

Oh sweet Lorraine, I wish we could do all the good times over again"

THIS song, which is SO far from the kind of music HE likes and listens to (video game music, his favorite being the theme music from the Zelda games and such), but it is right up MY alley as far as 'romantic cutesy' songs go... .

Yeah, considering the date it's posted, I have no doubt that he posted it in hopes that I would see it, since I didn't tell him to go FUDGE himself or die in a fire that first night I was back on WoW.

I also found that the post he wrote when we got together, about how he had met this amazing woman and how he was 'walking on sunshine' had been deleted. Like, gone from his journal. And since S read it only a bit over 3 weeks ago, I know that my "I am bored ingame without S" likely triggered him into 'abandoning' that he had felt and written that, because he'd have understood my words as me having moved on and being with someone else. So yes, he deleted it, as if it never happened, because seeing me abandon that we HAD been together, ignoring his offers to carry my levelling char to max level, ignoring his attempts to ask personal questions and keeping him at arms length in a polite way... .I guess that was painful enough to make HIM want to forget, finally.

So yeps, I slipped up, but I do not regret it at all. FINALLY it looks like he's moving on. FINALLY I can possibly be free of the unwanted attention from him when I return to WoW. FINALLY! :D.

These things, his pictures, him posting that song when he thinks I'm back within his reach and his deletion of the 'met the love of my life' post when he realized I was even further from his graps than I was when I told him to burn in Hell, they ALL show me the very nature, the very core of how sick he really is.

I don't feel sorry for him. I feel relieved that I have been able to see through it AND counteract it this time. That it didn't get to me, other than make me raise a brow and think to myself "Really? Shouldn't you just move on, eh dude? Tisk."

And I know that this day and these AHA moments will make me take a HUGE step or two forward in my healing from now on. THAT makes me grateful that I slipped and got curious enough to check on him.

I am relieved .

[SurvivedLove]

I had a really odd dream last night about my ex.

This morning,my neighbor Anne stopped by to see how I was doing (have been sick with a lung inflammation). She could tell that I was a bit meh, so she asked what was going on and we talked about the dream for a while. Now her sister has just left an abusive man (physical AND emotional abuse, he's a diagnosed psykopath), so she's got some knowledge about it. At some point she asked if I had a picture of him, she was curious to see what he looked like. I didn't, but I knew that his mother has a picture of herself and him as her coverpicture on Facebook.

So I got on FB to show Anne. But I did not find the picture I expected. She had uploaded a new one right before Christmas. And honestly, I was shocked.

The handsome man I dated is gone. In his place is a guy with 3 chins, cleanshaven, an almost military style haircut (his hair was half long and unruly and awesome when we dated and he had a beard), paste colored skin and a very tiiiiired look on his face. The old picture was still visible, so I showed Anne THAT too and even though she'd never seen him before, she was shocked at the difference.

So yeah, that triggered a few things and for the first time since I walked away from him a year ago, I stumbled in my healingprocess and took a tiny step sideways (can't say back, cause it didn't make me miss him or long for days gone by or anything). What I did was go to his FA page, I got curious. Not even sure why, I think the drastic change in his looks just really hit hard.

You see, on August 28th, I started to play WoW again, bringing two friends to the game with me, so we could play and have fun together. I had missed my friends on WoW, missed playing with my guildies and hanging out on voicechat and such. On my first night back my friend S and I hopped on the voicechat, so I could introduce him to my friends and guildies and do a bit of catching up with them all. And 3 minutes after, BOOM, there was my ex on voicechat, something he never uses outside raids.

He kept commenting on everything I said, did, etc., really just zoomed in and had 100% focus on me and ONLY me that evening. I replied to his direct questions in a polite, yet chilly manner. His random commenting on everything I said or did etc. I ignored and didn't respond to. He could as well have been a piece of furniture, that is how much I interacted with him.

It got late and he had work the next day, so he had to go to bed. Before he did, he said goodnight to everyone and then added "(my name), it was REALLY good to see you again." All he got in response to that was a chilly "Thanks" from me. No "likewise" or anything else.

Over the next 1½ months he kept that up, along with making almost desperate attempts to figure out which role my friend S (who I had brught into the guild and the game when I came back) played in my life. Someone directly said to me that they were just waiting for my ex to scream out in desperation and demanding S to "Whip it out, lay it on the table so they could measure them!". That really made me chuckle, I thought it was just me bring overly 'sensitive' about my ex's curiousity, but nopes, it wasn't.

S had to move from the US with his job around the middle of October, so he's now 2 hours ahead of my time instead of 7 hours behind as before. But because of his job, he hasn't been online a lot, sadly. So I started to get a bit bored with WoW, missing running around questing and having fun with S. And I also felt that my ex was being a biiiit too 'attentive' towards me. Knowing about BPD what I know now and didn't know when I walked away, it was so easy to see through the mindgames and all his other little tricks to get my attention. I didn't reward him with much, I kept a safe barrier up between his curious questions/attempts to be 'friendly' (yes, he again pulled the 'Oh look, she and I have had a thing, I know intimate details about her body' stunts in front of ALL our mutual friends AND S several times!) that he had been throwing my way since I got back. One night it finally became too much.

It was when he got on voicechat, knowing I was there and started talking about my cats like if he had just seen them and seen me and my love for them the day before - uuuurrrrghhh!

So I politely steered the conversation towards WoW and far away from my personal life/RL life as possible. Then I proceeded to tell him that I was gonna take another break from WoW, because I was really boored without S there, the game wasn't fun when I couldn't run around with him. My ex did try his best to not say anything, but his voice said it all, he was NOT happy with me not 'settling' for HIS company ingame and wanting another man's company instead - funny, considering that S is a friend and ONLY a friend (my ex STILL doesn't know which role S fills in my life  Heh!).

I haven't been online since and that is 3 weeks ago.

But because of the slip-up today, I did check the ex's FA page. And what do I find, posted in his journal on the 30th of August (TWO days after I returned to WoW!)?

THIS song, with a few words about how he basically dared people to listen to it without crying: www.youtube.com/watch?v=gZ3VbZz4iAs

You can look up the lyrics or listen to it, they repeats themselves and boil down to these few lines:

"But the memories always linger on oh sweet lorraine I don't wanna move on

But the memories always linger on oh sweet lorraine that's why I wrote you this song

Oh sweet Lorraine, I wish we could do all the good times over again"

THIS song, which is SO far from the kind of music HE likes and listens to (video game music, his favorite being the theme music from the Zelda games and such), but it is right up MY alley as far as 'romantic cutesy' songs go... .

Yeah, considering the date it's posted, I have no doubt that he posted it in hopes that I would see it, since I didn't tell him to go FUDGE himself or die in a fire that first night I was back on WoW.

I also found that the post he wrote when we got together, about how he had met this amazing woman and how he was 'walking on sunshine' had been deleted. Like, gone from his journal. And since S read it only a bit over 3 weeks ago, I know that my "I am bored ingame without S" likely triggered him into 'abandoning' that he had felt and written that, because he'd have understood my words as me having moved on and being with someone else. So yes, he deleted it, as if it never happened, because seeing me abandon that we HAD been together, ignoring his offers to carry my levelling char to max level, ignoring his attempts to ask personal questions and keeping him at arms length in a polite way... .I guess that was painful enough to make HIM want to forget, finally.

So yeps, I slipped up, but I do not regret it at all. FINALLY it looks like he's moving on. FINALLY I can possibly be free of the unwanted attention from him when I return to WoW. FINALLY! :D.

These things, his pictures, him posting that song when he thinks I'm back within his reach and his deletion of the 'met the love of my life' post when he realized I was even further from his graps than I was when I told him to burn in Hell, they ALL show me the very nature, the very core of how sick he really is.

I don't feel sorry for him. I feel relieved that I have been able to see through it AND counteract it this time. That it didn't get to me, other than make me raise a brow and think to myself "Really? Shouldn't you just move on, eh dude? Tisk."

And I know that this day and these AHA moments will make me take a HUGE step or two forward in my healing from now on. THAT makes me grateful that I slipped and got curious enough to check on him.

I am relieved .

[seeking balance]

And I know that this day and these AHA moments will make me take a HUGE step or two forward in my healing from now on. THAT makes me grateful that I slipped and got curious enough to check on him.

I am relieved .

Glad you feel grateful and relieved, sometimes after time we can see things differently... .can you pinpoint the exact AHA that sank in this time around - certainly a lot happened.

[SurvivedLove]

And I know that this day and these AHA moments will make me take a HUGE step or two forward in my healing from now on. THAT makes me grateful that I slipped and got curious enough to check on him.

I am relieved .

Glad you feel grateful and relieved, sometimes after time we can see things differently... .can you pinpoint the exact AHA that sank in this time around - certainly a lot happened.

Hey SB .

I can, yes. There's been many AHA moments since that first night I was back on WoW.

The first was when he said "it was REALLY good to see you again". Both S and I dropped jaws over that one. Considering the last conversation we had before that consisted of me listing every single reason why I would never touch him again with a ten foot pole, him screaming, yelling, crying and throwing tons of hate at me and me chuckling and shaking my head at that, I cannot fathom how he could say it was good to see me again. Honestly, if someone had said the things to me that I said to him, in such a calm and collected way, I would stay miles away from them and would more than likely not pay them any attention, not even if they were dancing naked on the table in front of me.

It was a GREAT AHA! and a great example of how I went from being painted the blackest black, to being the whitest of white after my 8 months of vanishing from his reach (WoW and online overall).

The second AHA was when someone pointed out that they were just waiting for the ex to ask my new friend S for a penis measuring contest. Personally, I'd not really care to find out who the girl was and why my ex had found someone new, and even less so if I was heartbroken and was REALLY glad to see him again. I'd not want to hang out with him and her, boost them through a game or do them any favors, I'd be to hurt and sad. AHA that I head read his behavior right and that it was so clearly visible to other people what he was trying to achieve with it.

The third AHA was when he was talking about my cats and how I care about them. His words, "You sound so... .happy when you talk to or about your cats. About any cat actually. Almost like... .the love is so strong when you do." His voice was so sad and he fumbled his words a few times. I used to sound the same way when I talked to or about him and I think it, in that moment, dawned on him that I no longer did. The AHA was his sadness that my CATS could make me sound happy when talking to him couldn't.

And a side AHA in that conversation was his disappointment when I proceeded to tell him I was gonna take another break from WoW because I was bored there without S. His "But you have plenty of people online to play with still *I* can boost your little chars if you want it?" was the most desperate please I have ever heard, a plea for me to please, please need and want to be around HIM and not just S.

The fourth AHA was seeing that picture of him. I was really shocked over how much older he looks. And over how it is obvious that he has let himself go, gained a load of weight (something he had told me also happened right after he dumped me, where he admitted to having drunk 6-12 beers a night to drown the pain over losing me when I refused to deal with him). SEEING is for myself really hit me, wow, me walking away on MY terms a year ago had the same effect, clearly visible in the difference between those two pictures. The healthy, happy look in the one from when we dated and the hobo ish empty look in the new one from a week ago.

The fifth AHA was seeing that he had deleted the post about meeting the love of his life, the perfect woman for him, AFTER I told him I was bored without S. Deleting 'me' because I 'abandoned him', as if we had never happened, just like I have read over and over on these boards that others have seen their exes do, acting like they had never had a relationship. Huge AHA moment.

And the sixth and last was him posting a song that would have made him roll his eyes at me, if I had shown it to him while we were together. As I said, he is only into video game theme music, "Sweet Lorraine" is MY type of song and posting it TWO days after I appear from out of no where? Too much of a coincidence for me to NOT be certain that it was posted for me specifically to see, to tell ME something.

Yeah, I get it, he doesn't WANT to move on (check the lyrics to it), he wishes we could have all the good times over again (means I am was painted pure white at that point), that was a really good look into a disturbed mind wishing for the last two years to never have happened.

All these moments, plus a few that I noted, but that aren't as 'big', they have shown me how right my decision to walk away a year ago was. They have shown me how deep his illness runs and how far I have come, since I have managed to see them and him clearly and not engage in any way.

It has shown me that I am on the right path in my healing, that I can keep walking that path regardless of what minor setbacks may arise. That despite everything, I have the strength to do what is needed to become healthy and whole again.

So I am relieved. And pretty proud of my progress, which is why I shared all this with you guys today. It IS possible to get to this point, even for those who doesn't believe it right now. I didn't believe it two years ago and look at these posts and me today .

[seeking balance]

 

[laelle]

I can really empathize with you on the WOW stuff.  For me, just as I would begin to heal from one of our many break ups, he would show his face again, "sorta" apologizing and trying to "hook" me again.  If he did not get the attention that he wanted, when he wanted it, he would leave only to return later and try to repeat the process.  He suddenly became interested in the game again, and I became his "guide" to explain how the game had changed in his absence.  He posted "romantic" "missing you" songs on his facebook and told me that they were for me.  Little did I know he had other woman that he was "missing" at the same time.  I found where he had posted the song to at least one other person at the same time he posted the song to me.

Anyway, I think it is great that you are able to claim your "territory" back and be able to play in peace now.  I hope it remains that way for you.

I have tried to get back into the game since our break up, but all my old guild buddies have moved on to different games, and it just doesnt have that same social

feel to it that it use to.  He utterly ruined it for me, pressuring me to get rid of my guy friends (as you know there are A LOT of men on WOW) and guilted me until playing until it was not worth his anxiety and verbal garbage.

As I am an american living in france, making friends is hard for me.  I really miss the interaction with others.  

I think I will log on and see if I can find interest again now that he has been gone a while from my life.  Its worth a try.

Congrats again on spotting the  , and finding the peace you so deserve.

 Laelle