I'm ready to say goodbye..I need help :(

[sadinnc98]

I am at my breaking point with my BF. I absolutely cannot take anymore-I am broken... every area of my life is suffering, I am physically and mentally a shell of a person... I do not even recognize myself in any way anymore.  Just to recap... .~17 month relationship, 30+ recycles, a broken engagement, suspected cheating, emotional abuse, push/pull, passive aggressive, hot/cold, trying to change me, distances me from friends, tearing me down intentionally, constant mind-effing, compulsive liar, he is an alcoholic, he is in major financial bind due to his own carelessness, he ignores me, silent treatment, picks at my physical appearance, picks fights for no reason, exploits my weaknesses, manipulative, etc... .Of course he can also be wonderful, loving, doting, affectionate, etc... WHEN he wants to... that is why it is hard to let go.

The straw that broke the camel's back... .If you read any of my recent posts, I know he is at minimum having an emotional affair possibly more. It has been going on 3-4 weeks and I am suffering for it... .When she is busy working (bartender) he is all into me... then he goes cold. I can handle a lot but knowing he is interacting with another woman (women) is too much to bear. I feel rejected, like a loser, not good enough. He has now totally withdrawn from me. On Thurs PM he called, texted, etc... told me he would never cheat on me, he is a one woman guy, Im love of his life (that was weird bc it was not something we were talking about... ) I feel he is guilty... .well we talked the whole night via phone/text adn he was not doing his BS FaceBook messaging of the OW (she must have been with her boyfriend or at work)... .Well yesterday morning he sent me a message telling me not to buy the truck we were looking at. I asked him what was going on, what was wrong, etc... ? No response. I tried calling and texting... nothing. I waited till 9:30  last night when I saw the shady FaceBook stuff going on and texted him and asked what was going on and asked why he was ignoring me... Nothing... .And still nothing. We are going on well over a day with no word from him.

I can't take it anymore. I don't know what to do now (No contact?) I am afraid I will be weak when/if he contacts me again... .I want him to know I am on to him too... .I am just lost. I need help getting out of this... I am afraid I am going to truly breakdown if I don't get out of this.

[sadinnc98]

Update:

He just texted this: "I'm heading home but would like to be alone the rest of the weekend.  I need to figure things out"


What do I do now? What do I say?

[LilMissSunshine]

Sad... .take a deep breathe.  Sounds like you know what you have to do already.  It sucks and it's not easy.  I'm only 5 weeks out myself.  I would suggest NC and stay on the board.  There are others here with so much more experience and wisdom than I do right now.  Try to be patient.  As the day goes on, others here, in the family, will come help   

[patientandclear]

Update:

He just texted this: "I'm heading home but would like to be alone the rest of the weekend.  I need to figure things out"


What do I do now? What do I say?

The only response to "I'd like to be alone, I need to figure things out," is: "carry on."  There is nothing whatsoever you can say or do that will make him not feel that way.

The issue isn't what to do about his feelings, but what to do about yours.  You sound like you are quite sure he is behaving in ways that just don't work for you.  I know you're enmeshed and I know how addictive the highs of these r/ships are, but the bottom line is that the way he's choosing to handle all this doesn't work for you.  It harms you.

I'm interpreting your question about how to leave as really being about how to maintain the strength & resolution to leave.  This sort of conversation would be more appropriate in person but since he's not willing to see you right now, you could either email or ask him for a time to talk in person on Monday & if he declines that, then, email him.  And say:

My sense is that you've developed a close r/ship with another woman.  You're of course free to do that, but that doesn't work for me.  For me to be in an intimate r/s with you, I need to know that there are not other such r/ships going on or being developed.

Then, depending on whether you feel you could & want to forgive what has already happened as long as it doesn't happen again [though past behavior is a very good indication of future behavior], you could say:

I know you're thinking about things.  I'm willing to commit myself to this r/s because I believe in us and I love how things are when we're doing well together.  But if you want to continue to pursue other r/ships, I can't continue on as we've been.

or

I care very much about you but my trust has been damaged by knowing that you are developing a close r/ship with another woman.  Out of respect for both of us, I need to say goodbye."

If you want to try & salvage this, the Staying board probably would have advise for how to convert the first "staying" message into DEARMAN-style affirming communication, which I am not feeling very talented at right now.

[free-n-clear]

What do I do now? What do I say?

   I think you already know what to do - you're posting on the Leaving board, after all.

So the question is what to say. From my experience it's best not to say too much that's accusatory or negative, as it'll make you regret and want to apologise for saying it, and you'll be right back where you are now. I like the last bit of patientandclears' advice;

  Out of respect for both of us, I need to say goodbye."

[willtimeheal]

I am at my breaking point with my BF. I absolutely cannot take anymore-I am broken... every area of my life is suffering, I am physically and mentally a shell of a person... I do not even recognize myself in any way anymore.  Just to recap... .~17 month relationship, 30+ recycles, a broken engagement, suspected cheating, emotional abuse, push/pull, passive aggressive, hot/cold, trying to change me, distances me from friends, tearing me down intentionally, constant mind-effing, compulsive liar, he is an alcoholic, he is in major financial bind due to his own carelessness, he ignores me, silent treatment, picks at my physical appearance, picks fights for no reason, exploits my weaknesses, manipulative, etc... .I am afraid I will be weak when/if he contacts me again... .I want him to know I am on to him too... .I am just lost. I need help getting out of this... I am afraid I am going to truly breakdown if I don't get out of this.

The folks on this board told me that leaving a person with BPD is like going off heroin... .It will be the most difficult thing you will ever do. They were right. They also told me ... .give it time. And they were right. My BPD treated me the same way yours treats you. It took me four years to get the strength to walk away. It was the  most difficult and the best thing I ever did for myself.  I spent a year and a half in therapy focusing on myself. That is what you need  do... .focus on you. Do you really want to live your life with someone who treats you this way?  If anyone else ever treated you like this would you have put up with it?  You have to find out why you have allowed him to treat you like this and  why You put  with it... then you can begin to heal.  It will be the most difficult thing but best thing you will ever do for yourself.  Walk away, breathe, put yourself first and give it time.

[schwing]

Hi sadinnc98,

I am at my breaking point with my BF. I absolutely cannot take anymore-I am broken... every area of my life is suffering, I am physically and mentally a shell of a person... I do not even recognize myself in any way anymore.

These are words I might have written about myself at the end of my BPD relationship.  You are broken, so now you must tend to yourself.  No one can "fix" you except you.  Give up on the illusion that your BF could "fix" you if only he would... .whatever.  He cannot.  Just as you could not and cannot "fix" him.  He is broken also, but in a different way.

You are a shell of the person you once were.  It is up to you now how you shall rebuild yourself.  You must commit to this endeavor, you depend upon it; and you deserve this attention.

Just to recap... .~17 month relationship, 30+ recycles, a broken engagement, suspected cheating, emotional abuse, push/pull, passive aggressive, hot/cold, trying to change me, distances me from friends, tearing me down intentionally, constant mind-effing, compulsive liar, he is an alcoholic, he is in major financial bind due to his own carelessness, he ignores me, silent treatment, picks at my physical appearance, picks fights for no reason, exploits my weaknesses, manipulative, etc... .Of course he can also be wonderful, loving, doting, affectionate, etc... WHEN he wants to... that is why it is hard to let go.

These are all the things you will willing to put yourself through, for what?  For what belief or ideal did you strive for did you believe was worth sacrificing yourself almost completely for it?  Whatever that belief or ideal was/is, you do not have to give up completely.  But you do need to set it aside for now, for your sake.  Because whatever that belief or ideal was/is, he offered only a simulacrum of it.  He is utterly incapable of fulfilling his end of that covenant; you just don't understand (or accept) why this is.  It is important that you accept this, or else you will drive yourself mad.

The straw that broke the camel's back... .If you read any of my recent posts, I know he is at minimum having an emotional affair possibly more. It has been going on 3-4 weeks and I am suffering for it... .When she is busy working (bartender) he is all into me... then he goes cold.

It doesn't matter whether he is having an "emotional affair" or an actual affair.  He cannot be depended upon to safeguard your trust and feelings.  His (unstable) feelings are more important to him, than yours.  Sure, when it is in his interest to make you happy, then he does so expertly.  But when it is not in his interest, you no longer exist to him.  This is not constancy; this is the inconstancy of caprice.  And his caprice exists on a level that you can never understand or exhibit.

I can handle a lot but knowing he is interacting with another woman (women) is too much to bear. I feel rejected, like a loser, not good enough. He has now totally withdrawn from me.

You should not need to "handle a lot."  You should not trust someone who even occasionally makes you feel rejected, like a loer, not good enough, without any good reason -- for his true reasons he may only keep to himself.  And I must ask you: even if he spelled it out for you that he is only using you, would this make letting go of him (and what he represents to you emotionally) any easier?

On Thurs PM he called, texted, etc... told me he would never cheat on me, he is a one woman guy, Im love of his life (that was weird bc it was not something we were talking about... ) I feel he is guilty... .well we talked the whole night via phone/text adn he was not doing his BS FaceBook messaging of the OW (she must have been with her boyfriend or at work)... .Well yesterday morning he sent me a message telling me not to buy the truck we were looking at. I asked him what was going on, what was wrong, etc... ? No response. I tried calling and texting... nothing. I waited till 9:30  last night when I saw the shady FaceBook stuff going on and texted him and asked what was going on and asked why he was ignoring me... Nothing... .And still nothing. We are going on well over a day with no word from him.

STOP listening to his words.  Listen to his ACTIONS.  Let his actions speak for him.  And what do his actions say?

I can't take it anymore. I don't know what to do now (No contact?) I am afraid I will be weak when/if he contacts me again... .I want him to know I am on to him too... .I am just lost. I need help getting out of this... I am afraid I am going to truly breakdown if I don't get out of this.

Don't take it anymore.  If you need help find someone who will help you do what you know is right but you do not have the strength to do on your own; the way in which I might be helpful is to write -- and I will write if this helps you.  Why do you want him to know that you are "on to him"?  So that he only improves his ability to confuse and deceive you?  :)o what you know is right for you, even though your feelings would want it otherwise.  :)o what he can never do.

Best wishes, Schwing

[sadinnc98]

These posts are great and so helpful and giving me so much to think about. I appreciate you guys responding. I went driving (my therapy) and cleared my mind a little. I know this is the right thing, but my word it already hurts so bad... .I can't even imagine what the next weeks will bring.

[free-n-clear]

I can't even imagine what the next weeks will bring.

 They'll bring sadness and a lot of rumination, but you'll get through it. I read here somewhere that grieving is a process, not an event. Read the articles on rumination - how to deal with the "files" that your mind pulls out. And when you feel like calling/texting him, get back on this site, girl. 

[sadinnc98]

I can't even imagine what the next weeks will bring.

 They'll bring sadness and a lot of rumination, but you'll get through it. I read here somewhere that grieving is a process, not an event. Read the articles on rumination - how to deal with the "files" that your mind pulls out. And when you feel like calling/texting him, get back on this site, girl. 

I have that terrible urge right now... I am sad... feel like Im about to cry--I want him to hold me and I miss him  

[free-n-clear]

  I know the feeling, but he doesn't care, just like my xgf doesn't care. Better to get past it so you can one day get regular genuine hugs from someone who does care.



PS: Read the advice you've given Moonie75!

[arn131arn]

Can someone tell me where the "rumination" threads are?

[sirensong65]

Dear God, do these asss have some sort of playbook that is handed out with the shirt and their club card?

Seriously!  This is the exact thing my BPDex did and he said the EXACT thing on wanting to take the weekend... Yeah, to screw her without me bothering him!

It's unbelieveable!

[free-n-clear]

Can someone tell me where the "rumination" threads are?

arn, go to the "leaving" board, click on third line down - "suggested reading" (yellow background)

[free-n-clear]

  Something just for you, sadinnc98


       What lies behind us, and what lies before us

          are small matters

             compared to what lies within us.

             

     

     Stay strong.

[heartandwhole]

Can someone tell me where the "rumination" threads are?

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=103396.0

[sadinnc98]

Last night was terrible... how do I get past these terrible feelings? I was ok actually until I got a text from him (I can tell he was drunk)... .He was texting about hitting his head on the car, then said "Everyone was asking where Blondie is tonight (me)"... .Then he said he was home. I know he was traveling home from being up north for the holidays and like I mentioned before he had told me he wanted to be alone this weekend to figure things out.

So of course I am worried he went out with that other girl that I am worried about, or, he went to where she is a bartender and drank there... .or maybe she came to his house afterwards and he was texting me in the bathroom or something... maybe I am inventing these scenarios? I am just a wreck. I shouldn't care because I know I need to move on but imagining a replacement is excruciating. I know you guys understand. I just don't know how to get past this horrible feeling. I can admit too that even though I want to be done, I secretly hope he reaches out to me and wants to see me... even though that is the worst possible thing  :'(

[willtimeheal]

Sadinnc98,

I know that feeling well... .wanting to be done but secretly hoping the reach out. It is like if they reach out then it gives you validation that you meant something to them ... .but know that it is actually them needing a fix. It is not about caring for you or loving you or all of a sudden wanting to fill your need... .he has a need at that moment and needs you to fill it. I am sorry but BPDs are selfish and are not able to think of anyone but themselves.

The horrible feeling unfortunately takes time to go away. You need to focus on you and your needs. Healing is a rollercoaster ride and there will be good days and bad days but only you can decide if you want to live in this hell... .his hell any longer. You are worth so much more. Bpds convince us we can't survive without them and that no one else.Will want us... .not true. It is them who needs us. When I finally got the courage to walk away and focus on me I saw everything I gave up and was missing out on. It took time but I began to enjoy life again and be happy... .I survived. What did my BPD do?  She tried to.commit suicide and used that to try to suck me back in. All I felt for her was sorry. There was no guilt feeling and I was grateful I took the time to step away from the relationship go to.counseling and focus on me... .I am healthy now.  Focus on you. It's hard but worth it. You are worth it.

[sadinnc98]

Sadinnc98,

I know that feeling well... .wanting to be done but secretly hoping the reach out. It is like if they reach out then it gives you validation that you meant something to them ... .but know that it is actually them needing a fix. It is not about caring for you or loving you or all of a sudden wanting to fill your need... .he has a need at that moment and needs you to fill it. I am sorry but BPDs are selfish and are not able to think of anyone but themselves.

The horrible feeling unfortunately takes time to go away. You need to focus on you and your needs. Healing is a rollercoaster ride and there will be good days and bad days but only you can decide if you want to live in this hell... .his hell any longer. You are worth so much more. Bpds convince us we can't survive without them and that no one else.Will want us... .not true. It is them who needs us. When I finally got the courage to walk away and focus on me I saw everything I gave up and was missing out on. It took time but I began to enjoy life again and be happy... .I survived. What did my BPD do?  She tried to.commit suicide and used that to try to suck me back in. All I felt for her was sorry. There was no guilt feeling and I was grateful I took the time to step away from the relationship go to.counseling and focus on me... .I am healthy now.  Focus on you. It's hard but worth it. You are worth it.

Thank you for this-I spent the whole day away from home-driving, shopping, lunch with friends... just trying to distract myself. That is avoiding facing this, but today it just hurt too much  Every time I get a text I get that little twinge hoping its him... and I have always texted him good night, every single night, but I know I should not tonight and that is SO tough.