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Author Topic: Did they distance you from everyone?  (Read 697 times)
arn131arn
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« on: December 28, 2013, 01:28:07 PM »

Got up today in a little funk to tell you the truth... .

Going round and around that maybe she is not BPD and that maybe the problems in the RS were all my fault.  So, like I learned here, I started thinking about the bad times. 

Did anyone's ex ever isolate them from everyone else?  Friends, family, people from work?

For instance, my ex had three groups of friends that she would talk to.  Her friends from college, she told how much of a mf'er I was early in out RS, so I assume they either did not want me around or she couldn't save face and bring me around over 14 yrs bc of the lies she spread about me.

My family, she liked my dad, so she says; but he was sick and dying so maybe they do have somewhat of a heart.  My mother and sister she despised.  She would get angry if my mother and sister would call to talk or text.  Towards the end she pretty much gave me an ultimatum "them or me".  So I detached from the only two family memebers I had left.

Her people at work she did the same things with as her friends.  I am in AA and am now friends with a guy she used to work with.  He said that she would always go into work and tell everyone bad things about me.


Towards the end there, I realize I was all alone with noone to turn to.  FIs this pretty common for pwBPD?
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magichat101

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« Reply #1 on: December 28, 2013, 01:31:06 PM »

yes! Mine loved my family at first and then all of the sudden would resent me if my mom called or sister called and I would answer. And she wouldn't allow me to go out with my cousin- it was all bad
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« Reply #2 on: December 28, 2013, 01:52:51 PM »

Yes!

Friends, family & a club I left as a result of her insecurities.

Oddly, she never tried to distance me from one small circle of friends we had. For reasons best known to her she left that all in place & encouraged my friendships with that chosen little group.
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« Reply #3 on: December 28, 2013, 01:53:26 PM »

I’d like to think mine did her best to isolate me from everyone including my 7yr old daughter.  After our 4th breakup, I was pretty much painted black to ALL of her friends and family.  She never tried to repair that damage she created even after she recycled me 2 more times.  She left everything “as is”.  I was permanently banned from everyone on her side.  I was a POS to all of them.

She never met my parents and didn't want to.  When we got engaged, I called my father to tell him the good news about her.  I told her my father wanted to say “Hi” to her on the phone.  She ran!  Seriously!  She ran out of the house and down the driveway like her @ss was on fire.  I’ll never understand that one.  She couldn't stand my sister and called her a “bhit” many times even though I know my own sister would never mistreat a soul…she was born with Care Bear DNA.  

Finally, my daughter.  When my daughter would visit, she treated her with such contempt.  She literally showed nothing but hate towards this 7yr old of mine, all the while, putting her own teenage son up on a pedestal.  If I were sitting on the sofa with my stbx and my daughter wanted to sit next me as well, she would either move away from me or get up and walk away.  Strange, very strange.  

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arn131arn
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« Reply #4 on: December 28, 2013, 03:38:19 PM »

When they talk bad about u after a break up or before the recycle, is that what triangulation means?
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« Reply #5 on: December 28, 2013, 03:56:21 PM »

Arn, I'm so glad you asked that question because I don't know what it means either.  Been in here for a year and a half now and was always too embarrassed to ask.  LOL!  Thx for being my sacrificial lamb.   Smiling (click to insert in post)   Can someone please tell us what "triangulation" means?
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arn131arn
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« Reply #6 on: December 28, 2013, 04:35:56 PM »

No problem. Been the lamb now for 14 years, guess I can play it for a little while longer! Haha
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santa
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« Reply #7 on: December 29, 2013, 12:25:10 AM »

Arn, I'm so glad you asked that question because I don't know what it means either.  Been in here for a year and a half now and was always too embarrassed to ask.  LOL!  Thx for being my sacrificial lamb.   Smiling (click to insert in post)   Can someone please tell us what "triangulation" means?

From what I've gathered, it's when the BPD takes two nons and more or less plays them against each other in sort of a contest. Like if you're in a relationship with a BPD, they'll build up someone else, to sort of become your rival for their attention. I don't think it has to be a sexual partner. Mine sort of pit me against her father for her own amusement. Basically it's just a game they play to jerk you around.

I may be wrong though. I haven't had it explained to me either. This is just what I've taken from reading what others have said about "triangulation".
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« Reply #8 on: December 29, 2013, 01:09:36 AM »

Here is the definition from our Glossery:

Excerpt
Triangulation

When two people are in some conflict and one enlists or aligns with a third party to support their position.  Triangulation, as coined by Murray Bowen MD is the “process whereby a two-party relationship that is experiencing great intensity will naturally involve a third party to reduce anxiety” (Bobes & Rothman, 2002).

This unhealthy dynamic commonly happens in family, close friendship, or organizations.  Who or what is right is determined more by the pairing than the issues.

The concept was originated by Bowen in his study of family systems: www.thebowencenter.org/pages/concepttri.html

So the term is not specific for PDs, it can happen everywhere.

Btw, the whole explanation of often used terms is here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=26601.msg688078#msg688078

More about triangulation you can find here: What does triangulation mean?
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« Reply #9 on: December 29, 2013, 01:24:26 AM »

My BPDex very much tried to isolate me from those around me.  About six weeks before the break-up she began trying to get me to quit playing music and the classes that I take for fun and exercise.  Those are my social outlets and two things that she was not involved with so I think she began to view them as threats.  It's possible that was part of the trigger for her leaving as well, since I refused to give up either.

Triangulation is different, although they will use it to try to separate you from others.  My BPD mother has done this between me and my sister for as long as I can remember to keep us angry at each other and not at her.  My ex didn't actually do the breaking up with me.  Instead, she had her "friend", who is now her husband, confront me in my driveway while she watched from the car.  After telling him to leave I remember walking back into my house thinking to myself that it was like she wanted to battle us like Pokemon fighting for her amusement.  I'm now convinced of it.
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« Reply #10 on: December 29, 2013, 04:43:27 AM »

Yes, my ex wife tried to isolate me. Didn’t work the way she hoped/wanted as all our mutual friends (who are friends for over 25-35 yrs. now) choose to continue being friends with me after she left “in a blink of an eye” and destroyed the family.

Worst she did was to create a rift between the kids an me! That started by the time they were about 10 yrs. old. Before I knew about BPD (only since 2008 and a 30 yrs. R/S) after outbursts I was left behind “for dead”. It took me up to a few days to process and recover from my physical wounds.

In the meantime she acted as the super loving and caring mother. So I became a kind of  bogeyman too (it was me anyway who maintained the family rules also towards ex, therefore that extra “role” didn’t cross my mind those days).

She created a kind of upbringing inside the family upbringing, to undermine my parental role partially.     

She isolated me in a way that the kids expressed there important social life and feelings towards mom, only by asking they told me… leaving me the role of general advisor and money supplier.

In my diaries, which I have for years and gave me in 2007 “the light” I found her devastating words: “I shall destroy everything you are attached to, special your relationship with the kids!”

My D of 22 left with mom 3 yrs. ago. She doesn’t want to see me anymore  :'( . My S of 19 lives at home with me  Smiling (click to insert in post) .

Isolated, yes from the most precious a man can have, she succeeded partially!

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« Reply #11 on: December 29, 2013, 05:36:14 AM »

Yes - ABSOLUTELY.

Friends: after 17 years I have no friends. He is not all to blame - I was so scared of his raging at me that I decided it was better off to have him happy, than me. I had one person over in the beginning of our marriage and when he came home, he went straight to the bedroom and slammed the door. Needless to say, she didn´t come back. I always meet her in other places after that. But when I would come home, he´d give me the silent treatment. He convinced me (without words) that friends were hazardous to our relationship.  That was a constant argument between us because he is antisocial, but kept saying I was too shy to reach out. He told me one more than one occasion that I was incapable of making or having friends. :'( I never believed him, but years and years of this is hard to defend. He said there was something wrong with me (projection).

Family: My family lives far away, but they come visit once in a while. I love my family, but I would grit my teeth when they came, because it all boiled down to a huge emotional struggle over who I gave more attention to. I had to "work" overtime just to get emotionally right with him. If I made a lasagnha he´d latter complain tht I never made a lasagnha like that for him.   He~s get possessive of my emails, phone calls, or any attention I'd give to them.

Work: He wouldn't let me work after a few years because someone needed to watch the kids. WHen they were in diappers, I could understand. They are 9 and 8 now - not like they need much of full time mom. But he won't hire a babysitter because he doesn't trust anyone, just me or his mother (which he shouldn't really trust). He won't let me put them on a bus to go to school - I have to drive them there. I have to pick them up.

Social: I say I want to go to church, so he agrees to go too. He drives, so he gets there 5 minutes late and has the car key in his hands as soon as the final amem in said. No socialization - ever. Get there late, leave early. If I ever started a friendship he'd soon find a million reasons that person was horrible. He once started emailing the person with content that I wouldn't approve of. Nothing x-rated, but still distasteful jokes. That person hasn't talked to me since.

So, that's me. Can't believe I let this happen... .This all is also why it's is so hard to leave - I am looking for a job, working on my education and reaching out socially. As soon as I have that, I'm out the door. I am trying to build up relationship bit by bit, and hey, I have learned that I am capable of making friends!  Smiling (click to insert in post)
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Pearl55
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« Reply #12 on: December 29, 2013, 08:11:50 AM »

Arn

You've been manipulated by a highly experienced ACTRESS. She is not a victim. They isolate their targets so they become totally dependent on them!
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« Reply #13 on: December 29, 2013, 09:07:57 AM »

Yes! he found every one of my friends/coworkers, etc... to be "toxic, bad people that will use and hurt you". He used to say "I have to shield you and protect you from all of these people that will hurt you"... really I should have been shielding myself from HIM. I stopped going out with friends, withdrew from people based on things he said and now have very few friends left.
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Aussie0zborn
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« Reply #14 on: December 29, 2013, 09:20:05 AM »

Mine did all of the above. It's quite normal for pwBPD. In addition, mine complained that her friends didn't like coming over when I was home because she "wasn't herself" when I was around. It took me a few years to work that one out. I have four portable digital audio recorders that I use for work. I set them up for "voice activated recording" so that I wouldn't be recording hours of nothing.

Well the person I recorded was not my wife. Or at least not the wife that I knew. The person chatting with her "friend" was an evil b!tch making fun of the less fortunate people we know, painting me black and just being horrible. A wife that I didn't recognise as being MY wife.

So when her friends came over while I was home, she had to keep the mask up for me, making them wonder while she was not her normal self as they knew her.

So Arn, don't worry... .It wasn't you. It's always them.
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« Reply #15 on: December 29, 2013, 10:58:15 AM »

Mine did as well.  She had a small group of friends from her work, and on occasion we would do stuff with them.  We always did things with her kids (College, and recently graduated kids).  That was about it. 

She hated my ex wife, and would never do or go anywhere that she would be.  She would also never do anything with my kids because of my ex-wife (afraid my kids would say stuff about her to my ex).  She didn't like me going to happy hours, or doing things with my co-workers (so I didn't as it would rock the boat).  slowly I stopped doing things with my other friends as well.  before you know it I didn't have many friends left.
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arn131arn
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« Reply #16 on: December 29, 2013, 11:56:22 AM »

Starting to see things now the FOG IS BEING LIFTED. I also notice the isolation of me on her FB. No pics of me and her with our son. No pics of me and her. No "engaged to or in a relationship with... ." nothing ever" what kills me is her grad day from school. "here's thanks to all those who made this day possible" no pic of the man that gave her home and paid bills to get her thru school. Nothing

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arn131arn
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« Reply #17 on: December 29, 2013, 11:58:10 AM »

It's funny now that I've been on this board for a week or so, I can see how she manipulated her FB page. To an outsider she looks like a single mother, helpless little beautiful waif. Just her and our son. Well, it worked she's in a RS with a millionaire 10 yrs older that's never been married
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« Reply #18 on: December 29, 2013, 12:03:49 PM »

Yea. I was also told by a friend I was robotic Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #19 on: December 29, 2013, 12:30:56 PM »

Totally. Towards the end she was even trying to isolate me from my kids. That wasn't going to happen.
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« Reply #20 on: December 29, 2013, 12:55:49 PM »

The worst of it was she helped isolate me from myself.

The chaos and confusion, the temporary highs of recycling and the crash when it fell apart, all kept me from facing the real problem which was I wasn't focused enough on myself. I was losing touch with who I really am, which doesn't help any relationship.

Healing has meant accepting myself, hanging out with myself, reaching out to myself. I am there for me more than ever. Feeling much less isolated now, on the inside.

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« Reply #21 on: December 29, 2013, 01:51:18 PM »

Myself--I agree with you that I also was not focused enough on myself.  I am now working on myself and doing really well with that.  My issue now is I like myself, and am enjoying my alone time so much that I am afraid I won't want another relationship.  I really like doing whatever I want, whenever I want to do it.  It was hard at first because I was always used to doing what other people want or wanted me to do.
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« Reply #22 on: December 29, 2013, 06:10:57 PM »

I wasn't distanced from my friends and family, but it wasn't from a lack of effort from me.  She tried to make it so I only talked to my family and one friend, and that was it.  Apparently me talking to multiple people was "destroying" her.  Thankfully, I was the one who pulled the plug on our relationship.
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« Reply #23 on: December 29, 2013, 06:42:33 PM »

Yes! My exBPDh was suspicious and hateful of everyone, friends, family, co-workers, and my children. Everyone was a threat to him. He made up stories and lied about everyone. No one was immune. I do believe he wanted to isolate me so he would have total control; which is super sick and abusive.

  But the kids... .totally not ok. I would make excuses about his behavior, I remember thinking about how ridiculous my excuses sounded. I became anxious about the kids' behavior all the time, I didn't want to trigger his rage or feelings towards my kids. They liked him at first, but then hated him after his true persona came oozing out. Several of the kids were getting ready to go live at their dad's house full time. I'm so glad that didn't happen. My own sick need to keep ahold of my ex was poisoning everything around me.
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« Reply #24 on: December 29, 2013, 09:25:16 PM »

He hated my mum,and my sister the feeling was mutual,my family knew he was phisically abusive, they never understood why i stayed ,I had friends, my best friend dosent want anything to do with me anymore, I tried on numerous occasions to break up with him, when I did he would hound my best friend mercilessly, where is R***, is she with you, your out  slu* ing yourselves arent you,your both whores, I hope your kids die of cancer,on and on and on.

Id always go back to stop the drama,she couldnt watch the car crash that was our r/ s, so in the end she distanced herself from me

I had another friend,she was going thru a tough time, I started to cry along with her, when I got off the phone, the ex said he didnt want me to talk with her anymore, that he didnt like that she made me cry, I explained why, but he couldnt comprehend it, in his mind,my friend had caused me pain, therefore she must be eliminated,it was black n white thinking at its best

I had no idea of that concept back then

I do now, it floors me.
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« Reply #25 on: December 29, 2013, 09:40:39 PM »

Yes, mine isolated me also.  At first he jumped into every activity and social group that I was a part of, worming his way into every thread of my life.  Then he would interact with these folks or organizations without me around, and come back with stories of how inappropriate or unorganized  they were.  It was very subtle and happened over time.  What ended up happening when he dumped me?  I had no one contact me, no friend or family support.  My ex did his best to alienate me from my kids- my uPDd19 still is very angry at me for having him around- she feels like I chose him over her.  My s18, he forgives me.  I had friends say that he had isolated me, but offered me no support when the breakup occurred.  I am at a point know where I don't really contact too many of my old friends- if there is not an ongoing dialog, I don't keep trying to stay connected with people.  I'm not begging anyone to hang out with me, although right after the breakup I was expressing my need for support and friendship, and found nothing. 
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« Reply #26 on: December 30, 2013, 12:20:55 PM »

yes, mine tried. at first she didnt but as time went on she found something wrong with all my friends and then started on my family. MIne even tried to come onto my own brother and then blame it on him even though I saw it with my own two eyes. That was one of the the final blows and helped my decision to walk, well actullay I ran away. LOL. but it all part of the  brain washing, stress you, conivince you it all your fault, isolate you from everyone so you have no support.
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« Reply #27 on: December 30, 2013, 12:34:52 PM »

Mine isolated me from my friends and family. I didn't realize what was happening until I was already isolated. I also felt safer being isolated.  My BPD was emotionally and verbally abusive. It was easier to isolate from everyone than admit I was allowing someone to abuse me. I was fortunate... .My friends and family never strayed. They waited for me to find my way and when I did they welcomed me back and supported me. I am truly blessed with wonderful people in my life.
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« Reply #28 on: December 30, 2013, 01:18:54 PM »

My ex may not have seemed as extreme as some. She never had to do anything to get me away from my friends, because I thought I enjoyed her company. So instead she spent pretty much every waking hour with me except for 2 nights a week... .until the week of our wedding shower. That's when the house of cards fell. Strangely, she claimed to be Christian but was extremely insecure about me going to my regular Bible study group. She was never able to talk me into quitting. She would say my friends were "weird." She was upset when I went back to my hometown for my bachelor's party for a few days. I'm sure she would have thrown tantrums if I was just a little more loyal to my friends.


It's pretty typical behavior for those with abusive personality disorders. The question we have to ask if why we allowed someone to trample on our boundaries. It's been a really hard lesson for me even though my r/s was less than a year and was over more than 3 years ago. The future is looking a lot brighter. I've learned my lesson. I'm looking for peace.
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« Reply #29 on: December 31, 2013, 12:35:13 PM »

I've had a few relationships with those having personality disorders and this is a consistent theme.  It's like the power struggle is a power war with them.  One ex secretly badmouthed me to everyone, including my family, in an attempt to curry favor and sympathy for herself while she physically abused me.  It was rather sickening to find that she had told stories of the things she did to me and reverse the names/roles to make herself seem the victim.  Of course I didn't find out about much of it until well after the fact.  And in the end my own family had a really distorted view of me because they never came to me to clarify the reality from her deceit.

Another ex, who openly and frequently told me how happy she was with me and us, badmouthed me to her friends to such a degree that I began openly referring to her friends as the TwoCents Haters Club.  Her friends would chuckle when they heard themselves referred to as such because it was so true.

My read was that it came from their deep-seated insecurity and desire to control.  They believed that influencing others to believe what they wanted would eventually coerce me into allowing myself to be controlled by them.  And they couldn't live with the possibility that they ever made any mistakes.  So they needed everyone around them to believe they were without fault and I was always at fault.
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