A mile in my shoes

[Perfidy]

Walking tonight. A couple miles every morning and every night. Something about it helps my thoughts come together to a pinpoint. Tonight I became aware that my sub conscience is trying to kill me. I have been making conscious efforts to counter this. My subconscious mind has managed to convince my conscious mind to make a plan. I recognize it. It is like a foreign thought. My will is my conscious decision to live. At first the crushing sadness and depression, crying every day for months. We all know the pain of a breakup with a pwBPD. It was horrible. I'm thinking the pain is proportional to the severity of affliction. She took the cake.  I just wanted the pain to stop. I didn't think it would ever end. I planned. I made arrangements for my material possessions and finances. I gave my daughter access to my bank accounts. Gave her everything. I picked a date. I picked a method. I was planning. If I didn't start having a least a few moments of relief by my date I would have carried it out. I did not want to. I got in touch with prevention. I refused the antidepressants. I knew it was going to be harder that way. I despise mind altering drugs. I felt the drugs might have pushed me the wrong way and I didn't want to have to detox from them or become dependent on them. I heard a lot of stories about people having psychotic reactions to them, especially when they stop using them.

So why? Why did I catch myself planning again? I have been steadily getting better. I was warned by prevention, many people get better and carry through. I have been a little down but not THAT down. I called today. I'm talking about it.

I have lived a very full and exciting life. I have achieved just about everything that I have set out to do. I realistically don't have much left on my bucket list. I am looking for new things. One thing I would like to do is sew a NASA patch on my flight jacket. I am an aviator. I would love space flight.

Ya right... .Well? What else is there? Set my goals even higher. When I get high I seriously like to get high. Flight level 650 would be cool. That's an exclusive club.

Highs and lows. That's life. Christmas blues? Just out of the blue. There I was planning again. Am I just board? I know I'm not afraid. I'm actually curious. I look forward to new experiences. It's going to happen weather I want it to or not. I didn't ask to be here. I had no choice in the matter.  I love myself and my family. I won't hurt us. Me and my family.

It seems like there were omissions from my original plan. Things that I hadn't thought about. Things that occurred to me this time. As a matter of fact, it's really not a bad idea to make this kind of plan except for one thing. So here I am trying my damnedest to find positive in this. I like that. I may just make this plan so nobody else has to. I'll call it my will. I need to do that. I'll think of it as my will to live. I'll think about it every Christmas for the rest of my life. The little sweetheart I've been seeing and dating called me today just to let me know that she was thinking about me.

I hope anyone that reads this knows why I am consciously not using a particular word. I also want thank bpdfamily for being an outlet and a resource. I'm doing all the right things. I know I'm alright. Have more crap in me than I thought. Need to reevaluate my progress. Thought I was further along. Not sure now. They told me its normal to have thoughts like this. Acting on them isn't. I haven't. I'm ok. You be ok too.

[Turkish]

 hi  Perfidy,  I'm sorry you are feeling tks way again.  I've suffered through minute thoughts of this as long as I can remember.  even now, I  think the kids ( and their mom)  would be set financially for life if I weren't here.  buck.  even just SS  benefits would  almost makes up for my current net contribution.  due to me having worked so long.  but I  know it would be worse for them if I  weren't here... .  even last year,  as things started going downhill and I felt like nothing I could do was right, I  felt like the proverbial Eskimo going out on the ice flow by himself to not burden his family any longer.  just stripping down and walking into the night until I  couldn't walk anymore.  then just lying down to rest,  yes,  rest... .  what was wrong with me? I  don't know. I  guess I've always suffered from a  mild depression since childhood.  it cycles... .  but bar as bad as my x  though,  nor my mother.

When I was a teen and life seemed utterly hopeless, I  almost had the will and I had the means to do it.  but I  came to the conclusion that no matter how bad it got,  life was only 4  or 5  decades more.  then that was it.  curiosity about what came next.  getting too a point where I could control my own destiny,  because there are no other lives.  this is it.

We are all hurting here to different degrees.  We do different things with that.  what can you do differently yourself?  Can you channel  any  Caretaker traits into helping in the community?  starting a project to benefit someone else?  that's showing both love to others and also to yourself who is still worthy enough to give love.  don't give up showing love,  if not through your feelings,  but through your actions.  through the latter,  perhaps you can find the former.  you are both worthy to give as well as receive.  Remember that.

Turkish