How to deal with wanting them back?

[Cardinals in Flight]

Excellent question... head says one thing, heart (feelings/emotions) another.

The two don't agree as the r/s was not reality based, it was need based, on both sides. Being idealized seems a lot like unconditional love, and if we are needy for unconditional love... didn't get it from our FOO when we most needed it, we can jump on a partner that offers it and elevate them to a primary r/s status real quick. That doesn't happen in a normal r/s... can take years for deep love/commitment to gel, but in an r/s with a pwBPD, it can happen fast and furious and be very deep. We accept the partner like a loving ideal parent of a small child... .but they are not. The idealizing from them is not the only idealizing that goes on... we idealize them and put them on a pedestal. When they do things irrational, hurtful, unloving... .we don't relate to them like an equal partner that is betraying us, and being irrational... .we relate like a kid to a parent. If they are abusive... we take it and believe their claims that it was our fault, that we are bad and we jump through hoops to try to make it work. A combination of our needs, idealizing them, and our ego, make it very hard to accept the reality of the situation. The hurt and neediness they seemed to fill goes way back... .even before we had words, and when we accept them as the unconditional loving parent we needed... .the world seems right and wonderful, our core wounds are fixed, and we feel wonderful. Problem is that they are not unconditionally loving, they are needy and disordered and ignored boundaries that kept most people at a safe distance from us. When their disorder kicks in they get clingy, then hateful and may just abruptly dump us.

Losing that magic feeling that the world is right is tough, losing a lover and GF/BF is tough, but add in the ego hit that it takes to go from seeing yourself in a r/s with your dream girl/guy... with a dreamy wonderful future... .to the harsh reality that you are needy, fell for a disordered person that is stunted emotionally at the level of an infant... who you accepted as a parent then had sex with... .and you find yourself preferring to idealize them rather than accepting the reality your head tells you is the truth.

The loss of the pwBPD can be very painful... far more like losing a parent, with the intense hurting and even deep depression that can go with it than a normal breakup.

So that is why you long for them and want them back, though you know they are toxic to you. Accepting reality is the path to getting over them, and there are things that help. I kept all the hateful emails/texts/voicemails from my exBPDgf... and saw a T and learned to use mindfulness to stay present and quit ruminating so much about her. When those didn't work, would reread the emails/texts and force myself to recall how hateful, mean and irrational my exBPDgf was... and at first it was very tough, but after a while my head and heart got on the same page.

I still miss the illusion that life with her could have been great... .but the reality was that it was nightmarish. I forgave her long ago... and am finally forgiving myself and doing something about it... .working on my own neediness and desire to have healthy intimacy in my life. Have become much better at seeing   and avoiding r/s where my electric reaction tells me that its not sudden true love, but neediness.

The other way I dealt with wanting them back ... .long ago, was going back... and getting another heaping helping of abuse. Force yourself to accept reality and hold them to it if you go back... check crazy claims, require proof... ask how they know you are wonderful... and why they trashed you... reality breaks the spell pretty quickly... started seeing my pwBPD as a manipulator/liar rather than ideal in any way... and the end came soon after.

Many share your pain.

Really, really good stuff Charred!  You know how we all read here just hoping, praying to find just the right words that will resonate and push us off the sand bar in the middle of the stream so that we can continue on?  This has pushed me, I thank you!

Happy New Year

[Changingman]

Mine betrayed me so fully, I didn't want her back. At all. I knew something was so desperately wrong, I'd had it. I was really sick as well and could start to see it may have been from her actions, I had to put one dog down and adopt the other into another family. She never and has never asked about them, this alone made me so damning of her feelings, I somehow knew she was not capable of love.

The rest was time away from the chaos and FOG, slowly fixing myself, exercise, good food, and sweating out the poison of her abuse. I not there yet but I'm damn close, her stink dissipating everyday.


Hang on to yourself x

[RecycledNoMore]

recycled

Mine knew things about me that nobody else ever did or probably will ... on the other hand ... the everyday stuff ... things that even casual friends know ... he didn't, or he forgot or, he didn't care ... I have no idea which it is.

When I first began reading his ex's (the one he left 'for me' blog, I came across a post that was a couple of years old where she wrote that she wished more than anything that he would read her blog so he might realise her pain and confusion - but then she said something which has haunted me ever since: she said that he wasn't interested enough in her to read it ... and she was right.

His interest in me was insatiable for a year - but only in the areas that interested him ... it wasn't unconditional, it wasn't really about me but about him fetishising me and my desires - so he could use these as material to write his (our) fantasy.

I have never had anybody who seemed to adore me so much be so indifferent at the same time.

Yes! There were always conditions, I told him my deepest fears and desires, in the end he used them to try and bring me down in his smear campaign,he only remembered the things he could use against me down the track, the rest was meaningless fluff in his world.

[Kallor74]

Excellent question... head says one thing, heart (feelings/emotions) another.

The two don't agree as the r/s was not reality based, it was need based, on both sides. Being idealized seems a lot like unconditional love, and if we are needy for unconditional love... didn't get it from our FOO when we most needed it, we can jump on a partner that offers it and elevate them to a primary r/s status real quick. That doesn't happen in a normal r/s... can take years for deep love/commitment to gel, but in an r/s with a pwBPD, it can happen fast and furious and be very deep. We accept the partner like a loving ideal parent of a small child... .but they are not. The idealizing from them is not the only idealizing that goes on... we idealize them and put them on a pedestal. When they do things irrational, hurtful, unloving... .we don't relate to them like an equal partner that is betraying us, and being irrational... .we relate like a kid to a parent. If they are abusive... we take it and believe their claims that it was our fault, that we are bad and we jump through hoops to try to make it work. A combination of our needs, idealizing them, and our ego, make it very hard to accept the reality of the situation. The hurt and neediness they seemed to fill goes way back... .even before we had words, and when we accept them as the unconditional loving parent we needed... .the world seems right and wonderful, our core wounds are fixed, and we feel wonderful. Problem is that they are not unconditionally loving, they are needy and disordered and ignored boundaries that kept most people at a safe distance from us. When their disorder kicks in they get clingy, then hateful and may just abruptly dump us.

Losing that magic feeling that the world is right is tough, losing a lover and GF/BF is tough, but add in the ego hit that it takes to go from seeing yourself in a r/s with your dream girl/guy... with a dreamy wonderful future... .to the harsh reality that you are needy, fell for a disordered person that is stunted emotionally at the level of an infant... who you accepted as a parent then had sex with... .and you find yourself preferring to idealize them rather than accepting the reality your head tells you is the truth.

The loss of the pwBPD can be very painful... far more like losing a parent, with the intense hurting and even deep depression that can go with it than a normal breakup.

So that is why you long for them and want them back, though you know they are toxic to you. Accepting reality is the path to getting over them, and there are things that help. I kept all the hateful emails/texts/voicemails from my exBPDgf... and saw a T and learned to use mindfulness to stay present and quit ruminating so much about her. When those didn't work, would reread the emails/texts and force myself to recall how hateful, mean and irrational my exBPDgf was... and at first it was very tough, but after a while my head and heart got on the same page.

I still miss the illusion that life with her could have been great... .but the reality was that it was nightmarish. I forgave her long ago... and am finally forgiving myself and doing something about it... .working on my own neediness and desire to have healthy intimacy in my life. Have become much better at seeing   and avoiding r/s where my electric reaction tells me that its not sudden true love, but neediness.

The other way I dealt with wanting them back ... .long ago, was going back... and getting another heaping helping of abuse. Force yourself to accept reality and hold them to it if you go back... check crazy claims, require proof... ask how they know you are wonderful... and why they trashed you... reality breaks the spell pretty quickly... started seeing my pwBPD as a manipulator/liar rather than ideal in any way... and the end came soon after.


Damn my dude... .talk about hitting the nail on the head.   I used to call her "Ma" and i never call my women that.  But she loved it. I even remember telling her that the one thing in the world i want most is unconditional love.  She proceeded to just give me the dead man stare.

Many share your pain.

[MrConfused]

I'm really struggling still >.< I have one method of contact left but I know it'll just get me hate or blocked from that as well. I don't know why I think that only she can solve this pain, she caused it in the first place... .argh!

I don't understand my heart at all.

[Tincanmike]

I'm really struggling still >.< I have one method of contact left but I know it'll just get me hate or blocked from that as well. I don't know why I think that only she can solve this pain, she caused it in the first place... .argh!

I don't understand my heart at all.

I too am stuck in the belief that I need her to be complete, to help me through this, even though she's the one that has caused much of it.  I want to reach out to her, feeling I need her help.  I am living an false belief that she was always there for me and always will be.  I guess no one will ever "always be there" for us except ourselves.  You really have to dig deep to get through this crap.  My heart is devastated too and I feel your pain as I feel my own, and all the others on this board.  I used to have nightmares that she would leave me, cheat on me.  I would wake up and she would be there and tell me I would never have to worry about such things. 

The nightmares became a reality.  But at least in a living, waking reality we can control events to some degree.  The events that we can't control we just have to let go.  The question I have to ask myself is: "can we ever be good together again, truly and honestly?"  Can I ever fully trust her again?  We will never really know the intentions of someone with BPD.  And the support they offer, often seems to have strings attached deep within their psyche.  Good luck to you on your journey and keep on truckin'!

[sirensong65]

Wow, Charred (Siren is standing on her chair clapping, slowly... .) that was fantastic, insightful and depressing all in one swoop.  It really sums it up nicely...

Also, makes me want to pour a drink but don't blame yourself for that...

Was a really good way to sum up the downward spiral.  Sickening... .  But true, all true.

[Soldier Of Sorrow]

How do you cope with wanting them back in your lives in some respect, even tho you know it's impossible/not good for you?

Dear fellow Confused,

You cope by, somehow, STOP wanting them back in your life.

It is okay to ruminate and wallow a bit in the past miseries, just do not act out on any of your (self-destructive) impulses to re-engage/ break NC/ and subject yourself to another endless cycle of emotional mistreatment.

I know it is easier said (as an advice from some stranger on a BPD forum) than done (on the part of the actual person who is actually going through the dis-engagement).

I am trudging through the same emotional muck right now as yourself... .

And there is NO EASY WAY out of it.

When an addict tries to kick a habit, the withdrawal symptoms are bound to be nasty and they will drive the ex-addict to come up with a lot of excuses and special pardons to allow him/her to indulge in just one last fix.

Do not allow yourself that luxury.

Being with a BPD is the same as having a habit with narcotics.

Try to stand back a little and re-focus on the big picture... .

Re-focus on yourself.

Just look at it this way, the seemingly never-ending yearning to get back to the f***ed up ways of being with your ex WILL eventually pass.

BUT if you do re-engage and allow the pwBPD to have her ways with you... .all over again... .You are putting A LOT more at stake than merely your reveries (withdrawal symptoms) at the moment.

Think about it... .in the end, it isn't worth it.

[AWest84]

Im gonna be pretty blunt... .i did the same thing you are going through right now. It really sucks i know I cried for weeks on end over the smallest thing. I even asked for a sign from god to stay with her... .next day hit her with my shopping cart coming around a corner. We reconnected for a total of 2 weeks where she said she loved me blah blah blah but the whole time sleeping with me she was dating 2 other guys. You really need to do your grieving and then say hit her! I personally am a very good looking guy and thought I would never find happiness again the thought of another girl made my stomach turn. But after taking my love goggles off the thought of her pulling me back in even touching me makes me want to puke! I never realized through out the entire relationship she separated everyone I cared about from me, but also made me think I wasnt as good as I am. Go out go to the gym seriously I have lost 20 lbs of fat and put on 5 lbs of muscle and met a girl 10x hottter and is a sweet heart. Dont look at the good things look at the bad you will realize it was a lot worse for you to be there. In some way we are like them we fear to be alone but with us the feelings where alone without them. They just want anyone... .plain and simple. I was amazing to her and helped raise her 2 boys who both called me dad. I miss them like crazy I miss her awesome family like crazy... .but her I do not miss she makes me ill. Force yourself to talk to other women her you will find it actually a lot of fun to be single again. Trust me I was ripped of everything my house my kids my dog even and you know what I am happy because she isnt around. for the first time in a long time i get to choose what i want to do.

[Soldier Of Sorrow]

Im gonna be pretty blunt... .i did the same thing you are going through right now. It really sucks i know I cried for weeks on end over the smallest thing. I even asked for a sign from god to stay with her... .

You really need to do your grieving... .

But after taking my love goggles off the thought of her pulling me back in even touching me makes me want to puke!

Dont look at the good things look at the bad you will realize it was a lot worse for you to be there.

Force yourself to talk to other women her you will find it actually a lot of fun to be single again... .  for the first time in a long time i get to choose what i want to do.

AWEST84,

I think it is awesome that you have finally come to recognize the failed BPD r/s for what it truly was.

It is also great that you are getting back into shape physically! Because I think that feeling good in the body is also beneficial for feeling good mentally.

Unfortunately, I am still hesitant in embarking in any new relationships with the opposite sex.

I am just about two months into NC after being with my ex uBPDgf for 10 years. So I am afraid it will take some time before I could pick up all the pieces (of me) and really be genuine and caring towards another person.

At the moment, I feel like I have very little to give to another person (or a potential future significant other).

I have barely enough psychological well-being to repair myself after a decade of mind-bending s**t.

Plus, I have had rebound relationships before (that ended up catastrophically). So that kind of adds to my weariness/ caution/ hesitation in starting anything new/serious. 

[Pretty Woman]

Soldier,

   After 10yrs you are doing the right thing not rushing into a new relationship. Normal breakups are hard enough. Give yourself a year to get yourself back.  Work out and surround yourself with good friends. 

You have to wash the icky off before embarking on a new, healthy relationship

[charred]

Wow, Charred (Siren is standing on her chair clapping, slowly... .) that was fantastic, insightful and depressing all in one swoop.  It really sums it up nicely...

Also, makes me want to pour a drink but don't blame yourself for that...

Was a really good way to sum up the downward spiral.  Sickening... .  But true, all true.

Siren, Kallors, Cardinals...

Thank you for the positive feedback... the insight came from my own horrific BPD r/s experiences and trying to make sense of it.

Once in a while when you want to know "why?"... .you find out and the answer is a slap in the face... .these insights were brutal.

My mom's mother died when she was 5, leaving her to largely raise her two younger sisters... her father dumped her on her grandparents and didn't come back till she was 13. Being around small kids is traumatizing for my mom... as they get older, she has less trouble... but for me that meant I was very insecurely attached and had all kinds of anxiety issues that I never knew the basis for. By the time I could really remember stuff... I was old enough to not trigger her issues. So now I have a daughter, and have watched my mom hold her as a small kid... and it was like she was handling a diseased rat. I was diagnosed ADHD... and had anxiety and fidgeting problems... kept people at a distance and never understood why... .assumed it was something wrong with me. That neediness and lack of connection is what drew me to my pwBPD... who is very good with young children (in fact has a background in early developmental issues)... she knew all about attachment theory and unconditional love and what kids need... .because SHE had those issues . I would have thought that my anxiety was permanent... .but practicing mindfulness, I learned to stay in the present, quit ruminating over past and fearing what might happen in the future... .and my stress level dropped to nothing, and so did most of my ADHD symptoms... .which led to two more icky revelations... .FREUD was right, we do seek out our parents   And Montel Williams... .who I personally don't like... and who was on the "ADHD is just bad parenting, pills shouldn't be our answer"... bandwagon... .also appears to be right.

Thankfully it is New Years eve today, and I could use a drink... .and may have too many.

 

[Changingman]

It's hard because they made it hard, the manipulation, control, chaos. You have been beaten like a dog half to death. And they convinced you they 'loved you', this is betrayal on a titanic level.

Lick your wounds and see them as the abusers they are. They want to feel something, anything... .your pain will do.

I'm sorry this happened to me and you. But we need to free ourselves from their abuse. Please don't use gentle words to describe filthy things.

Maybe they didn't mean it?

Maybe they'll be different?

It was my fault!

It only things were different!

I love my abuser!

This is not love, it is masochism.

[AWest84]

I understand not rushing into a relationship after 10 years is a long time invested but talk to people. It will help and dont talk about your ex. It feels good to have fun again. Just think of this as you getting the chance to enjoy your life not worry about wat your ex wants or if its gonna be a good day or bad. Everyday is gonna be a gpod day because uou only jave to worry about yourself.

[Soldier Of Sorrow]

I understand not rushing into a relationship after 10 years is a long time invested but talk to people. It will help and dont talk about your ex. It feels good to have fun again. Just think of this as you getting the chance to enjoy your life not worry about wat your ex wants or if its gonna be a good day or bad. Everyday is gonna be a gpod day because uou only jave to worry about yourself.

AWEST84,

Yes, indeed.

I have been exposing myself to a much wider social circle after exiting my BPD r/s.

It is a healthy CALIBRATION for me to re-establish boundaries and re-adjust how I view people, and interpret their expectations of me as a friend.

And no, I do not talk about my ex with people!

LOL

This is what this board is all about, isn't it?

Anyway, the stories are too scary for the taste of most folks, and I do not want to give the false impression that I am crazy, too!

(Most people do not understand the intricate dynamics involved in caring for/ loving an individual with BPD traits)

Last but not least, a very Happy New Year to you, wherever you are.

Cheers!

[AWest84]

Glad to hear it. As for me have discovered how much I love not feeling the burden of taking care of my BPD ex for the first time in ages. So this is gonna be a great year. Happy new year too you to buddy

[simplyasiam]

rule number with a BPD r/s never think you know whats coming!

I think the best way to deal with wanting them back is to read the post of ppl the have been here over six months been in a BPD r/s over five years and have recycled over ten times. take a good look at what these ppl have to say

[MrConfused]

I'm sorta scared... I'm getting signs that she's reemerging from her self imposed exile and I'm a little fearful of what's to come. Before I told her that she'd left me a mess (This is when she went extinct as she couldn't deal with it) she said we'd get back in touch in the new year... .