To avoid, or to use my skills?

[shatra]

Hi---

   I still have the remains of anger over THanksgiving----my BPD partner wasnt' a problem, but my BPD sister did the usual attention-grabbing, boundary-busting, extreme antics, controlling, interrupting, setting up drama, etc. She topped it off by offering holiday "gifts" which she announced she had taken from her neighbor's garbage, and then felt insulted when people didn't want to accept them. I see this as an extension of herself----she offered damaged, used "junk" to test if we would accept or reject it. I felt embarassed!

   So now I have a choice-----she lives in a rural area, near  a mutual friend. I will be in that area this month for an event. I could stay overnight with her which would be:

Good-----it would save me money on the return trip if I stay overnight. Also it's the only way I can see our mutual friend

Not so good-----I'd have to spend the night at her place with her... .where she will interrupt me constantly, then speak at length, then interrupt me after I say one sentence, then go through her drama queen antics with me as her hostage "audience", then pump personal info out of me which she would then email and gossip about to others, then criticize me, then bring up personal private info I made the mistake of telling her in the distant past (I know better than to tell her things now), etc.

   So I feel anxious, and would rather just go to the event and not stop by and see her... .but I want to see the friend, plus I feel it might be very unpleasant but good experience for me to practice my skills. Also it can give me the chance to be assertive with her

i.e.  "Please let me finish this sentence"   "I'd rather not go into detail about so and so's business" 

Any thoughts would be welcome.

Shatra

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[frenchie]

I don't have a lot of advice, but one thing I can think of is, can you come up with option C? Usually when I get totally stuck on choosing between 2 options, there's always a third better option I didn't think of. Can your friend help you find a third option? Seems like they would if they also wished to spend time with you.

And I have to laugh about your gift story   My BPDmom is the WORST gift giver ever; it's like she goes out of her way to get the most horrible gifts for everyone! your explanation was kind of a lightbulb for me.    I figured out a long time ago that one of her core beliefs is that loving someone means you must do things you hate... I never extended it to accepting the rotten gifts.

As for me, I stay away from your sister. "The only way to win is to not play"

[an0ught]

Hi shatra,

   So I feel anxious, and would rather just go to the event and not stop by and see her... .but I want to see the friend, plus I feel it might be very unpleasant but good experience for me to practice my skills. Also it can give me the chance to be assertive with her

i.e.  "Please let me finish this sentence"   "I'd rather not go into detail about so and so's business" 

Any thoughts would be welcome.

Shatra

you can't control her. And when you ask her politely for her permission to do something which is your right you are taking a position below her. Not really an assertive move... .Remember you only can control yourself. What does that leave you?

One option when interrupted would be to remember your sentence, bite your tongue, let her talk and when you are able to cut in finish your sentence. Be strong and signal with your behavior that you will stick to your line of thought.

There may be other options... .

[shatra]

Hi---

   Yes, I'm still undecided about whether to subject myself to going.

Frenchie, thanks---yes there must be an option C. Your mother's "gift" giving could be a test like with my sister---if they act out,, behave badly and give "trash" as gifts, will we still accept the pwBPD? Or it could be passive-aggressive behavior.

Anought,you are rigiht--asking permission to finish the sentence is a one-down position... . the idea of repeating the thought when they finally finish is a good idea---the only thing is with her she talks compuslively, so by the time she finishes she has covered 10 different topics and my sentence has lost its "shine" compared to all of hers... . I could try SET---

S---I hope we can have good communication

E---I understand that you want to share all your thoughts

T--I feel irritated when I keep getting cut off----it's good to have a 2-way conversation where I can feel free to talk too.

     But she'll likely cut me off after the middle of sentence one!

Happy New Year

Shatra

[Grey Kitty]

Is this a possible choice C: Stay overnight with the friend? And perhaps have a brief visit with your sister to practice a little?

[waverider]

Is this a possible choice C: Stay overnight with the friend? And perhaps have a brief visit with your sister to practice a little?

This would be preferable. Otherwise you are putting yourself in a position of feeling trapped there with no escape. Much the same as practicing your skills in the car on a long journey. Not a situation that is recommended.

Without an escape route it is hard to enforce boundaries, and they know it. Validation alone without enforceable boundaries is unlikely to work effectively...

Unfortunately compulsive talkers are just that, it is ingrained, no matter how you word it you wont reign in their desire to over talk over you. Compulsive talking is their way of venting the chaos in their mind. To refrain from talking causes this to bottle it up and the chaos gets worse, and of course it then becomes your fault. They will focus on the 5% of the time you wont let them speak rather than than 95% of the time they didn't stop talking.

[shatra]

Hi

Good idea Grey Kitty. Waverider, yes inner chaos is one of several reasons people talk too much. I can't change them but I can change my response. I am opening a new thread on this topic.

Thanks

SHatra