I think I might be going no contact

[zubizou87]

Hey Guys

So I have been aware for almost five years that my mother is mentally ill and I have been detaching from her for quite some time. I've never really made the cut, always trying to keep the peace by staying a little bit in contact with her, being a little bit abused and letting her cause a little bit of damage to my life.

I've been doing a lot of reading about toxic, npd people and it seems that the best thing to do is to abandon them completely and go no contact. I think in my heart of hearts I really really really want to do this. It's always been a question of fear, not having enough money or worrying but other people think but I just want to be free of her once and for all, she's never going to get better. From what I can see from the 30 40 50 60 year olds posting here they will continue to abuse you as long as you and they are alive.

I just want to stop thinking about her, to start thinking about myself my life, move on with my future.

So I had this epiphany at work today after getting annoyed the admin department at work, I'm working for a foreign company and it's well paid, not too difficult, good holidays. However there is a policy about taking your leave when it isn't during the summer, it annoys my co workers and I so much!

The reason why I was going to take leave was I was going to visit my family for two weeks, so weird I'm 26 and yet I still feel obligated to go home and spend all my free time with my mother even though it's always horrible and crazy. Last time I spend thousands on a flight home and my mother and I had a crazy fight because I changed one of my plans.

So I thought to myself, why am i getting so upset and jeopardising my job to go home to a stressful environment instead of getting a proper fun, enjoyable rest from work?

So I think I'm in the process of properly going no contact with my mother, I won't be going home for the holiday, I'm ignoring most of her e-mails, I'm financially independent and honestly I just can't cope with the anxiety of another crazy visit home.

I'm thinking I am 26 years old I should really start acting like it and just be a bit selfish and hedonistic, instead of going home I shall tack another two weeks onto my summer holiday and go somewhere fun instead.

Does anyone have any advice about going No contact?

[P.F.Change]

Hi, zuibizou87. 

I've been doing a lot of reading about toxic, npd people and it seems that the best thing to do is to abandon them completely and go no contact. I think in my heart of hearts I really really really want to do this.

Going NC with a parent is a big decision. I definitely understand how exhausting it can be to maintain a relationship with a person who has BPD (and in the interest of full disclosure, I did choose to have a period of NC with my parents). It is true that there are a lot of materials out there that advocate NC as the best or only solution; however, that is not necessarily the case--sometimes it may actually get in the way of our progress. A lot depends on the individual situation. Have you ever considered seeking advice from a professional about what would be best for your recovery?

You certainly have a right to make your own choices about how to spend your holidays, whom to date, etc. It is true that your mother may never approve of your choices and may continue to act abusively when she is upset. One thing you do have control over is what you do when she wants to fight or criticize. You don't have to go completely NC in order to decide not to spend your vacation time at your parents' home. Boundaries can help you. Have you had a look at any of the LESSONS here on the board? What do you think about this one: BOUNDARIES:Living our values

We are here to support you whatever you choose. I know it is not easy.

Wishing you peace,

PF

[zubizou87]

P.F. Change you make a very good point,

I keep reading that No contact is the only answer but I always feel a bit like when I consider this option I'm really isolating myself because inevitably you lose your whole family when you do this. I feel this might be a rather self destructive thing to do.

I suppose I shall just continue to live abroad, distance myself and maintain relationships with my family.

[GeekyGirl]

As PF said, there's no right or wrong answer here. You have to decide what's in your best interest, and we'll be here to support you whichever way you go.   

I keep reading that No contact is the only answer but I always feel a bit like when I consider this option I'm really isolating myself because inevitably you lose your whole family when you do this. I feel this might be a rather self destructive thing to do.

I suppose I shall just continue to live abroad, distance myself and maintain relationships with my family.

You do isolate yourself when you go NC, and that's often a last resort when you have exhausted all other options. A time-out is a little different... .sometimes having a little space and time to yourself can give you the tools and the strength you need to maintain a controlled relationship with your family. Like PF, I've also been NC at times with my family, and my experience has been this: when I've been NC, I've spent more time and energy worrying relationship than I have when I've been LC or in "controlled contact" with my family. I know that seems odd, but it's true.

You do have some space, though, since you're living abroad. When would you potentially see your family again?

[zubizou87]

Thanks GG and   9  

I just get so tempted because my mother is just... . awful even if she isn't being abusive she's incredibly irritating or boring or saying terrible things about her friends and family behind their back. I never enjoy spending time with her it's always something I have to endure.

Also if I go no contact my sister living at home is kind of doomed, my mum will convince her I'm bad, if I leave I'm confirming that I'm bad by running away. I should stay low contact to give her a small connection to the outside world. A few relatives and my father did that for me and I've always been grateful.

Thanks for your advice guys xxx

[StarStruck]

Hi zubizou87,

I am in the process of going no contact.

I found there was a tipping point whereby suddenly you get such a rush from not having them in your life as much... . this makes you not want to turn back.

I am on VLC (very low contact) and very, very, happy.

Goodluck with your future... . for me once I broke off the dead wood, life showed its colors.

HAPPY NEW YEAR

x

[StarStruck]

Hi Again... .

Just a thought but one I think I should share, briefly (n.b. this may not reflect your new partner at all- Im just telling you about my experience)

My mom is uBPD - high functioning so some narc traits.

I had uBPD boyfriends. I then met an introverted uNPD... he stood out as being very different from the others.

When you are born into a family with 'issues' you can attract one, even if you aren't one yourself.

(You have been used to communicating and excepting the loons). If you are caring and nice, maybe cater to some superficial need for them too they will be attracted to you even more.

I just wanted to act as a reminder whilst you are beginning this new relationship.

I've been replying to your posts before but unsure if I spoke of this stuff.

This hopefully will not be what you have with your new man!

This could be the best the thing and no doubt is.

[Calsun]

Hi Zubizou87,

Thank you for your share.  Right now I am NC with my uBPD mother.  I didn't see her during the holidays.  And she is still very toxic, for certain.  What is coming up for me more and more is that my solution has been to arm myself against her, to clench my inner fist and to defend.  Now, there is a need for me to be protective.  She was violent, shaming and had a horrible image of me, etc., all of that. She also traumatized me. She was also a highly traumatized, deeply damaged, wounded person herself, in intolerable pain, a pain that no one could soothe for her.  I had great sympathy for her.  When I was a child, she would beat, curse, abuse and then often cry like a baby, doubled over convulsing in grief. Horrible to be around.  Too overwhelming for a child whose pain was never being soothed.

But I came to demonize her, in part because as a BPD she demonized me. But I find that this arming myself against her harms me. It transforms me into being like her in some ways. It removes the compassion from me which is very harmful. It is primitive like the behavior of the BPD and not best for my healing or my growth.  It's very difficult all of this.  Years ago I was advised to do a psychodrama which culminated in this cathartic release of rage at the violence that was done to me.  It seemed to offer the solution that the best way of responding to rage is with rage or hatred. And for the longest time that became my paradigm for how to respond to these abusive, but also deeply wounded, hurting people. And much of my NC was in a spirit of bitterness and defense against the "monster."  Now, there is definitely a place for NC with compassion for myself and my mother, but I think the NC can easily become an act of bitterness, a passive way of taking out anger that was inflicted on me.  I don't want to go all Gandhi here and allow a highly dysregulated person to beat me up emotionally or physically, but I am wondering if GG and PF are right.  That it might do more harm than good for me now to respond with NC.  The real healing is in compassion for myself and her. Perhaps a limited contact with boundaries and self-care might be a better route than the NC which almost always seems to have an element for me of covert aggression. I guess I want to move toward love and forgiveness.  These decisions are very difficult for certain.

Best,

Calsun