Survived Christmas... But Here Comes New Year's Eve

[Soldier Of Sorrow]

Sigh... .I find myself being caught up again in the pathological nostalgia regarding the failed, 10-year relationship with my ex uBPDgf.

I know I am split between, on one side, my emotions of missing her, nursing the false hope of making things "work" between us, and on another side, the rational thoughts that I must stick to the rules of NC and move on with my life, away from the burning wreckage of a BPD r/s.

But the emotional triggers on a daily basis that revert me to previous rationalizing my ex's actions, giving her excuses to be the way she was, and generally biting the bullet and letting her get away with all sorts of unacceptable behaviors are so darn taxing for me to continually fight against.

At moments of weakness, which increases alarmingly during X'mas and New Year, I feel the ground beneath me shifting away and I am almost sick with vertigo, and fearful that I will fall back into the VOID of her arms.

(But getting it off my chest on this board relieves me IMMENSELY)

On a more positive note,

What are the New Year resolutions of you guys in the context of reclaiming yourselves and rebuilding your lives?

What are some of the tricks in grieving and staying clear of recycling would you guys recommend?

   

[Lucky Jim]

Hey SoS, If you feel nostalgic towards your xBPDgf, then you must be selectively recalling only the intensely good parts of what is otherwise, in your words, the "burning wreckage of a BPD r/s."  Why would you want to get back on board a sinking ship?  That's a question that maybe you need to ponder.  Lucky Jim

[Soldier Of Sorrow]

LJ,

You are so right about my selective recall on the past r/s.

The intensively "happy" moments are hardly representational of the decade of us being together.

I know, deep down, that it is a screwed up "logic"... .or that my feelings are not even logical at all.

But it is like if you have had an aching tooth that has tormented you for a long time, after your dentist has removed the diseased tooth, you still tend to always notice that empty space in which that painful tooth used to be

housed... .

[damage control]

SoS

I was going to write somethi ng in my own thread about the divide that exists between what I know to be the case/fact/truth/whatever of him and my emotional acceptance of those facts ... it isn't happening.

I am not sure exactly what more proof I need that he doesn't care in the way I do or that I am here when convenient but not much more or, that even if we tried again, this would happen all over ... .

I know these things but I am having problems accepting them ... it's like I turn a blind eye to every bad thing and put stupid hope upon the good things ... and you are right - Xmas/NYE don't help, they just exacerbate every hitty emotion we are carrying.

My best friend tonight is a bottle of Absolut. Unlike everyone else, it won't let me down

Happy New year and peace .x

[santa]

I'm not looking forward to New Year's either. My ex already started in on me today about how she begged me to come with her when she left and how I ruined our family. Then, she followed up by saying we were never a family and she never loved me and more of her nonsense. I know New Year's is a major trigger for these BPD people, so I'm just going to weather the storm for a couple of days.

[Turkish]

I'll still be going through detachment. We talked tonight and it looks like she might be out by the enx of next montgh. I can keep it together that long. She is almost back to "normal" now anyway, after her months long BPD tantrum. Shell go out with two coworkers tomorrow night... .I'll be staying home with the kidlets. Everyone I want to hang out with lives far out of town, and I'm not going to abandon my kids for a little partying. I will be drinking by myself some after tghe kids are asleep. Talk and text to friends... .be posting here and reading.

As for the new year, I think this quote sums it up best (with my slight modifications):

"It was the year of fire... .the year of destruction... .the year i took back what was mine. It was the year of rebirth... .the year of great sadness... .the year of pain... .and the year of joy. It was a new age. It was the end of one history and the start of another. It was the year everything changed."

Let's hope for a better year for all of us!

By the way, if you know where that comes from, you may be a nerd !^)

[damage control]

Hey Turkish

I'm a nerd

Thanks for the quote ... I too am facing NYE alone ... it's just gone 6pm here and I can see a long night of posting and reading ... between passing out from vodka shots of course ... .Yoda help us to get through this huh?

I am Grey. I stand between the candle and the star. We are Grey. We stand between the darkness and the light.

[Jonie]

It's almost 14.00 hrs here... At the moment I'm sorting out all my pictures, removing them from my computer to a stick so that I won't be triggered by them anymore... So many intensely happy memories... and now so much pointless misery, just as intense... .

I had intended to spend the evening by myself, but got a last minute invitation to a party at a cafe, where I may meet some of our mutual friends that I haven't met since NC began. It'll give my a chance to explain to them what happened. The party will be over before midnight, so I'll probably still be toasting to the new year with myself.

To all of you here: lots of strength and hugs   

[BorderlineMagnet]

New Years Eve is gonna be really tough for me tonight too. It was exactly a year ago tonight that my last BPDexgf and I said that we loved each other for the first time after 2 months dating and 6 months prior as friends with benefits. Shortly after we said our "I love yous" that night, she told me she had BPD. By near the end of Feb. she had started seeing my replacement behind my back, and in March she was gone. I won't be able to not think about her tonight, but I won't contact her. I do miss her to be honest, and part of me hoped tonight is a trigger for her and she thinks about me. I've read that the faster they replace you, the more you meant to them. Our r/s had felt so good that it was such a shock that she replaced me so quick. I don't want her back, I just have wanted to know that what I've read is true, and that I was very special to her too.

[Lucky Jim]

Hello again, SOS, Your feelings need not be logical, so I think you are wise to acknowledge them.  Memories, on the other hand, are quite malleable and the mind can play tricks on us, so make sure to temper your recollections with the reality, i.e., that drama and stress comprise the large part of most BPD r/s.  If you stay long enough in a BPD r/s (I did -- 16 years), the bad times actually outweigh the good times, which is sad but true, at least for me.  Lucky Jim

[Turkish]

Hey Turkish

I'm a nerd

Thanks for the quote ... I too am facing NYE alone ... it's just gone 6pm here and I can see a long night of posting and reading ... between passing out from vodka shots of course ... .Yoda help us to get through this huh?

I am Grey. I stand between the candle and the star. We are Grey. We stand between the darkness and the light.

Awesome, DC.   

[Soldier Of Sorrow]

  9

Damage Control,

Which is your favorite flavor of ABSOLUTE?

 


SoS

[Soldier Of Sorrow]

Hello again, SOS, Your feelings need not be logical, so I think you are wise to acknowledge them.  Memories, on the other hand, are quite malleable and the mind can play tricks on us, so make sure to temper your recollections with the reality, i.e., that drama and stress comprise the large part of most BPD r/s.  If you stay long enough in a BPD r/s (I did -- 16 years), the bad times actually outweigh the good times, which is sad but true, at least for me.  Lucky Jim

Thanks again LJ,

With the passing of time, I am hoping that I will be less and less enmeshed with my illogical/ distorted ways of remembering the expwBPD in my life.


SoS

[damage control]

 9

Damage Control,

Which is your favorite flavor of ABSOLUTE?

 


SoS

Oh I am a vanilla girl (OK, I'm not but I do love Absolut vanilla :P)

[Soldier Of Sorrow]

Oh I am a vanilla girl (OK, I'm not but I do love Absolut vanilla :P)

DC,

I dig ABSOLUTE Pepper the most. Once even went as far as dropping a few Bird's Eye chilies into the brew and letting it marinate for a couple of months in the bottle.

My preference for firery (feisty) things and people has led to my ultimate downfall ending with a r/s with a BPD... .

[damage control]

We don't have pepper here!

Though, even if we did, I suspect I would choose vanilla ... ...

I wasn't looking for fiesty ... I like thoughtful, smart and contemplative ... and yet ... unfortunately what I took for contemplative turned out to be a hidden vortex of pain and shame that simply looked like contemplation ... sounded like it to ... .

[Soldier Of Sorrow]

I wasn't looking for fiesty ... I like thoughtful, smart and contemplative ... and yet ... unfortunately what I took for contemplative turned out to be a hidden vortex of pain and shame that simply looked like contemplation ... sounded like it to ... .

PwBPD ARE, in fact, VERY contemplative. I could give you that.

But sadly, what they are constantly contemplating in their heads are not very constructive/ loving in the context of an interpersonal r/s.

[damage control]

What mine was contemplating was why everyone around him seems to be emotionally 'insane' ... and/or out to get him ... combined with who he was going to f^ck next and how he could get away with jumping from woman to woman without the drama that usually ensues from that ... oh ... and occasionally/for a while there it was about how to hang on to me without me becoming too attached ... .vortex ...

[Soldier Of Sorrow]

What mine was contemplating was why everyone around him seems to be emotionally 'insane' ... and/or out to get him ... combined with who he was going to f^ck next and how he could get away with jumping from woman to woman without the drama that usually ensues from that ... oh ... and occasionally/for a while there it was about how to hang on to me without me becoming too attached ... .vortex ...

Hmmmm... .sounds like a whole lot of paranoid projections on his part.

Does he exhibit NPD traits, too?

[damage control]

SoS

I originally thought he was NPD ... and his sense of entitlement supports that - he also thinks he is different/special BUT, not in a good way or a narc way ... he feels paranoid about himself much of the time ("I think I look weird... do I look weird to you?" ... .I think he also authentically wants to connect with people ... well, women ... he won't have one night stands or anything like that ... but at the same time, he doesn't want true attachment ... engulfment kicks in there ... so while he behaves like a BF (we spent a year in constant contact for hours and hours every day, he would text first thing in the morning, last thing at night, calls and emails all day in between, promises to move where I lived, telling me he had waited 20 years for a woman like me etc ... ) he refuses to 'be' a BF (I don't love anybody and don't care if anybody loves me) ...

[Turkish]

I wasn't looking for fiesty ... I like thoughtful, smart and contemplative ... and yet ... unfortunately what I took for contemplative turned out to be a hidden vortex of pain and shame that simply looked like contemplation ... sounded like it to ... .

PwBPD ARE, in fact, VERY contemplative. I could give you that.

But sadly, what they are constantly contemplating in their heads are not very constructive/ loving in the context of an interpersonal r/s.

the things I  found my x  write were very contemplative,  but very weird.  if I  hadn't known her better,  in combination with understanding mute about BPD,  they would have almost scared me.

[Soldier Of Sorrow]

The things I  found my x  write were very contemplative,  but very weird.  if I  hadn't known her better,  in combination with understanding mute about BPD,  they would have almost scared me.

Turkish,

I hate to be an ___hole, but I think that weirdness, scariness, and unsettling insight into their contemplation have been all inclusive when you bought your ticket to tour BPD land!

All crazy-making services were all included, whether you like it or not... .

SoS

[damage control]

I found the weirdness and intensity exhilarating ... until I realised that it was actually very limited ... what I took to be depths were really articulated fences.

[Soldier Of Sorrow]

I found the weirdness and intensity exhilarating ... until I realised that it was actually very limited ... what I took to be depths were really articulated fences.

DC,

I like the way you put it- "articulated fences"!

But wouldn't it be even MORE exhilarating it they were articulated, ELECTRIFIED fences with barbed wires?

[damage control]

Oh I entirely agree SoS

I was all ready and willing to go down the rabbit hole ... I feel ripped off! (and he didn't even have the decency to buy me a bloody t-shirt!)

[Soldier Of Sorrow]

Oh I entirely agree SoS

I was all ready and willing to go down the rabbit hole ... I feel ripped off! (and he didn't even have the decency to buy me a bloody t-shirt!)

Oh, you poor, deprived victim of a BPD r/s.

[damage control]

   

[Jonie]

Sorry guys, not able to make any valuable contribution here, I'm drunk for the first time in my life. NYE was always so special... . I went to a small party in the beginning of the evening, then came home for a good cry out. This is really the toughest, hardest, saddest day of the entire year... .

The NY has begun here 1 hour ago   

Thanks so much to all of you for being here!   

[Soldier Of Sorrow]

Sorry guys, not able to make any valuable contribution here, I'm drunk for the first time in my life. NYE was always so special... . I went to a small party in the beginning of the evening, then came home for a good cry out. This is really the toughest, hardest, saddest day of the entire year... .

The NY has begun here 1 hour ago   

Thanks so much to all of you for being here!   

Jonie,

No worries.

Here's a collective hug on behalf of the board... . (excuse my alcoholic breath).



The coming year WILL be better for all of us!

Cheers!