I'm trying, he's on match.com and denying it

[FigureIt]

My BPDbf whom I have lived with for 2years, has a profile on match.com. I confronted him directly about the emails he was receiving and he said it was "spam" and he couldn't get them to stop.  He doesn't know how he got on their email, blah, blah, lie, lie, etc.  I figured this was a line of bs and confirmed it tonight.

Without his knowledge I gained access to his match.com account. I am hurt that he would do this and pissed.  Because I am so pissed right now, I cancelled his profile, also without his knowledge and figure I'll just wait and see if he re-subscribes. I don't think he has the balls to approach me and ask if I cancelled his profile after denying even having it.

I don't even know how to process the feelings I am having right now. In all honesty I want to call a locksmith and have him locked out, I want him gone from my life, you don't do this to someone you claim you love!  I want to scream and yell at him so loud. I want to make him understand how much this hurts! But he would turn it and claim it's my fault, I did this, etc.

At least I have the knowledge and experience to educate my daughter when she is old enough of what not to do! Don't marry a narcissist like your father and don't get involved with someone who has undiagnosed and won't address BPD!

I know I'm strong and can do this I just feel alone!  I survived my ex-husband for 10 years who was a verbal abuser and narcissist, why not this too.  Does it ever get better or is it all me just re-learning how to live?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[sadeyes]

This is painful, and I am sorry you are dealing with this.

I think the online dating is attractive to them, because they can be this fake person & never have to get to know anyone. Like yours, mine has exchanged inappropriate conversation with women in the past. When I questioned him I was told it was done by a computer virus & not him. Anyone in their right mind would know that was total bologna, but that was his story & he was sticking to it!

I dont know the answer, but you're not alone.

[Grissum69]

I think the online dating is attractive to them, because they can be this fake person & never have to get to know anyone.

Yes this is so true,  I caught my ex once and confronted her only to be told she wasn't getting enough attention from me.   

[Grey Kitty]

  Sucks to find something like that... . sorry you are going through this.

I survived my ex-husband for 10 years who was a verbal abuser and narcissist, why not this too.  Does it ever get better or is it all me just re-learning how to live?

I found that re-learning how to live was all the work for me... . and that things did get better after that. I think it made a lot of room for my W to improve when I did that. I hope you see some improvement.

[waverider]

 Sucks to find something like that... . sorry you are going through this.

I survived my ex-husband for 10 years who was a verbal abuser and narcissist, why not this too.  Does it ever get better or is it all me just re-learning how to live?

I found that re-learning how to live was all the work for me... . and that things did get better after that. I think it made a lot of room for my W to improve when I did that. I hope you see some improvement.

I think thats the crux of it. It starts with harsh boundaries and consequences. Not threats or conflict.

You have to break a few eggs to make an omelette.

Dont watch to see if he opens new account, it will just be more hidden. You are getting into the realm of joining the dysfunctional dance. Which is akin to dealing with alcoholism by trying to find all the hidden empties. It leaves you living in permanent suspicion.

Online interactions are not just attractive, they are addictive. In truth he will believe it is non of your business and will feel no guilt about them. His actions will only be based on not getting caught rather than feeling it to be wrong

You cant cure a sickness by focusing only on the symptoms.

[FigureIt]

I think thats the crux of it. It starts with harsh boundaries and consequences. Not threats or conflict.

You have to break a few eggs to make an omelette.

Dont watch to see if he opens new account, it will just be more hidden. You are getting into the realm of joining the dysfunctional dance. Which is akin to dealing with alcoholism by trying to find all the hidden empties. It leaves you living in permanent suspicion.

Online interactions are not just attractive, they are addictive. In truth he will believe it is non of your business and will feel no guilt about them. His actions will only be based on not getting caught rather than feeling it to be wrong

You cant cure a sickness by focusing only on the symptoms.

So do you just learn how to live with it? I know that I have an insecurity to being cheated on because my ex-husband did it to me. I trusted my ex-husband and believed him and he cheated and lied. 

I have asked my BPDbf straight out if he is or plans to cheat on me. He denies it.

Also, New Years Eve morning, after him being out for about 12hrs straight (4pm-4am).  I said to him very calmly, when I got up at 10:30, was "you said you would be home by midnight, I texted you around 1:30am and got no response, you came home at 4am, is that okay with you?, He replied "no" and I left him be.  My BPDbf sated on his own about an hour later he has hit rock bottom. He hates his job, he's taken it out on me, etc. I said I think he should go back to the counselor he stopped seeing in May, maybe she can help with some stuff.  I didn't offer that I think he has BPD, but I said you feel things veery differently and deeper then most people and there are probably others like you and maybe she can help.  He said he was planning on making an appointment.  Keeping my fingers crossed!

[Grey Kitty]

So do you just learn how to live with it?

Not exactly... . what you start with is accepting that his cheating is his choice, not yours. You cannot control him, you cannot stop him if he decides that he's going to cheat.

If you try to stop him from cheating, all you will do is drive yourself nuts... . and likely add to his stress as well.

I know that I have an insecurity to being cheated on because my ex-husband did it to me. I trusted my ex-husband and believed him and he cheated and lied. 

Think about what your limits really are--at what point would you end your r/s over this? That is a tough choice to make.

I didn't offer that I think he has BPD, but I said you feel things veery differently and deeper then most people and there are probably others like you and maybe she can help.

Good choice there--telling a pwBPD that you think they have BPD often goes badly. Don't do it without reading the topic on it here.

Meanwhile, keep on working on yourself and your own issues--being more stable yourself will help you... . and him.

[waverider]

So do you just learn how to live with it?

Not exactly... . what you start with is accepting that his cheating is his choice, not yours. You cannot control him, you cannot stop him if he decides that he's going to cheat.

If you try to stop him from cheating, all you will do is drive yourself nuts... . and likely add to his stress as well.

GK is right here. Acceptance is not about the cheating here, it is about accepting that you can't stop it. Attempting to do so will simply compound the anguish.

You can choose to remove yourself from a relationship on which there is no trust, at least until such time as trust is regained. This is a boundary issue. Proof, or lack of, is not the issue., it is the gut wrenching feeling of mistrust.

What is that worth to you?