Can my BPDw's mood change be trusted?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

My BPDw is basically happy with her pursuits of taking university classes and working, and I am happy for her, if it helps her. Yesterday, the first time in at least two years, she really wanted me to go with her to do some errands in regards to some of her future university classes which took us out of town for most of the day. I have some back issues possibly related to my kidneys, but I took some Ibuprofen, although I had some discomfort during the day. We went to several motels to make her reservations, we went to a store, we went to the beach, and we had lunch and dinner out. Most of this was for her, but I did like the beach area which is always very soothing. Her general mood seems to be happier with herself. Now, while I like this turn-around, how permanent is it? I guess none of us can really know; however, she has gone back to her studies with very limited time for us once again. Can my BPDw's mood change be trusted? Any thoughts about this situation?

[Samuel S.]

My BPDw is basically happy with her pursuits of taking university classes and working, and I am happy for her, if it helps her. Yesterday, the first time in at least two years, she really wanted me to go with her to do some errands in regards to some of her future university classes which took us out of town for most of the day. I have some back issues possibly related to my kidneys, but I took some Ibuprofen, although I had some discomfort during the day. We went to several motels to make her reservations, we went to a store, we went to the beach, and we had lunch and dinner out. Most of this was for her, but I did like the beach area which is always very soothing. Her general mood seems to be happier with herself. Now, while I like this turn-around, how permanent is it? I guess none of us can really know; however, she has gone back to her studies with very limited time for us once again. Can my BPDw's mood change be trusted? Any thoughts about this situation?

[Samuel S.]

I spoke too soon. Reality hit my BPDw hard today, because she was extremely busy at her work. Thus, she carried her bad mood to our house, justifiably being critical of all the work she had to do; however, she also started putting me on the defensive about various things that I have no control over. I listened and validated what she was saying and feeling. After her ranting and raving, I said welcome back home, and she thanked me. I am now in another room from her so that she can hopefully calm herself down. What a contrast to yesterday! Granted, she like all of us can have bad days, but it does not mean to take out anger and frustration on us. 

[heartandwhole]

Hi Samuel,

I'm sorry the good mood didn't last.    It's hard to stay balanced when our partners are so changeable.

How are you feeling today? 

[Samuel S.]

Heartandwhole, thank you for your post and your concern. I truly do appreciate it a lot!

My lower right side of my back still hurts, but I have offset a little bit of the pain with Ibuprofen. I found out that I do not have kidney stones, and my primary doctor is not available until Thursday morning. So, if I do have a severe episode of pain, I will go to the emergency room; however, the Ibuprofen during the day and the Vicodin at night help.

As for my BPDw, she is having a better day, but that can change in a heartbeat. I just have to stay away from her bad moods. By the way, when she initially asked me about my pain, I said it was like 8 on a scale of 1 to 10 with 1 being the least amount. She said if it were 8, I would be needing Morphene. So, my pain can't be that bad, she said. At that point, especially when I was in a lot of pain, I said I am not here to debate the degree of pain I have. I have pain that is intolerable. I said all of this in a matter-of-fact way, and she shut up right away. She can be so insensitive and wants to put all of the attention on herself without any regard to how another person might be.

I'll let you know when I know the results. I just need permanent relief from this pain that I have had off and on for the last week.

In the meantime, Happy 2014 to you!

[Seneca]

dude, the mood change is classic BPD. they generally operate on this principle - they are terrified of being abandoned, yet terrified of real intimacy. you'll get too close, see that she is empty and worthless and then leave her. so if things are good, they may sabotage it to keep you at arm's length.

so sorry for the flip. but you can't ever trust that it will get good and stay good. and i have found that if it's going really well, hang on because you are about to reach the crest on that roller coaster... . and it's a long terrible way down again.

[Samuel S.]

Seeing that I have polycystic kidney disease (many cysts on both kidneys) which is only inherited and seeing that I have had a lot of discomfort and pain on my lower right side of my back, I contacted my kidney doctor who prescribed a ultrasound which was done last week, because he thought I may be passing one or several kidney stones. My BPDw even suggested that I should contact him originally, which I totally agreed with. Today, I got the results showing that I have no kidney stones whatsoever. Thus, I will be checking with my primary doctor on Thursday for more tests probably and/or hospitalization, because I have been experiencing discomfort and pain for a week now. When my BPDw saw the results of the ultrasound this evening, she in turn said that she did not understand why I was given an ultrasound, because I eat very little protein. Huh? She even agreed with me that I should have it done instead of going to my primary doctor. To top it all off, my prostate is enlarged, and the report suggested I should get it checked out. Mrs. Voice of Doom said that's not good and shook her head, like I was going to die the next minute. I am exaggerating this point, but you get the idea. Several things are for sure. I am experiencing a lot of discomfort and pain for which I have Ibuprofen and Vicodin. Secondly, I am seeing my primary doctor first thing on Thursday. My BPDw's contradictions and mood swings I need to discount, because my health matters much, much more so. UGH!

[Samuel S.]

Yeah, you're right, Seneca. A BPD's stability is instability, if you will. They really do not know what real happiness and what real intimacy are, because they are afraid. It is just so very sad to see my BPDw be the way she is.

[Samuel S.]

My wishy washy BPDw, but we can all relate! I have been experiencing loads of discomfort and pain in my lower right side of my back. My kidney doctor had an ultrasound done on me and found no kidney stones, but as we have known all along, I have polycystic kidney disease which is of course still there. Since my kidney doctor is on vacation until the 2nd week of January and since I have this incessant discomfort and pain, I told my BPDw that I will be seeing my primary doctor tomorrow. After all, what if it is something entirely different? At first, she said that it sounds good. Tonight, after I complained that I am in pain again which happens only at night, she laughed and said that seems like the normal thing for me. Her laughing I did not need, but I was not in the mood to get into an argument. I am in pain after all. Then, she tried to convince me to wait another week to see my kidney doctor to see what he wants me to do next. I then emphatically said that I am going to my primary doctor tomorrow, because I am in pain. By the way, she is the one that told me about a week ago that I know my own body and that I need to do what I need to do in order to take care of it. While I don't mind her advice, I do mind when she is inconsistent and when she even laughs. That's crossing the line of civility to insensitivity! She is the one that complains about tightness in her shoulders, and I comfort her by giving her massages. Yet, she acts the way she does with me. UGH BIG TIME! Thanks for letting me vent!

[Samuel S.]

I found out that my lower back pain of my back is real with a compression fracture. From what I have read, pain meds and rest will help, and it is a common experience. Other than that, I don't know what if anything my primary doctor is going to prescribe. So, we shall see. When I told my BPDw about the final results, she went on and on about how she has improved with acupuncture, which is her latest venture. I have told her I've been doing acupuncture about once a week, but she just wanted to give her monologue. While I am happy that she has found her niche, she excludes western medicine entirely. I believe in a balance of both. This is so typical of my BPDw of going from one extreme to another and does not believe in compromise. So, she is just playing more mind games with me, but it doesn't help my pain which is the farthest thing from her. However, if she is in pain, if she is stressed, if she is this or that, lo and behold, she puts on her sob face, like nobody else in the world matters. Sound familiar, folks? Indeed, she is very selfish. Thanks for letting me vent!

[Samuel S.]

Along with my BPDw's mood shifts, she truly does enjoy chaos and thus tries to impose all chaos that she has created onto me. I had a nice day away from her by having time to go to a movie and dining with some friends of mine. I got home only to be informed by her again about how booked up she is for the next five months due to her work schedule and due to taking her classes.  i listened and validated what she said along with saying that she should take one day at a time in order to not stress out. Yet, she said that she had to view the total scope of her responsibilities. She is the one who is working so much, and she doesn't have to. She is the one who is opting to take all of these classes, and she doesn't have to. She loves to complain, and she loves to create chaos in order to get sympathy from me. While I listen and validate what she says, it is really hard to feel sympathy for a person like her who opts to create her own chaos. Of course, this is the first time she has done this, and it won't be the last!

[heartandwhole]

She loves to complain, and she loves to create chaos in order to get sympathy from me. While I listen and validate what she says, it is really hard to feel sympathy for a person like her who opts to create her own chaos. Of course, this is the first time she has done this, and it won't be the last!

Samuel, this it really tough!  I know what you mean about empathy going out the window at times like this.    Especially when you see that her choices create more to get upset about.

I'm glad you had a chance to get out with your friends and had a nice time.  That is so important – time for you to indulge in what makes you feel good and healthy. 

How is your back feeling today?

[Samuel S.]

Yeah, it felt very relaxing and very freeing to be away yesterday! That's why I relish those times and times when my BPDw is away either working or attending her university of classes. I wish it weren't that way, but under the circumstances, that's how it is.

Thank you for asking about my back. It sometimes bothers me a little during the day, but the real discomfort and pain come in the evening hours. My acupuncturist gave me some pain patches, I have pain meds from my primary doctor, and I have Ibuprofen. So, a combo of all these things help.

[Pearl55]

Samuel s


Does your wife rag?

[Samuel S.]

Pearl, what do you mean by rag?

[Pearl55]

Samuel s

Sorry, I meant "rage". Prostate problems, GI diesese, Insomnia,... . are some of the typical BPD relationships souvenirs!

I suffer from chronic high blood pressure since my late 20s due to husband's mood swings and his rages!

[Samuel S.]

Pearl55, while someone can be understandably frustrated with health conditions and any other kinds of challenges in one's life, your BPDh having problems is no reason in the world to take out his anger onto you whatsoever! Getting medical attention along with focusing on whom he has - you - and what brings him joy are the makings of a good life.

Unfortunately, you and I have a lot in common, being the victims of our BPDs. Also, we can only do so much and tolerate only so much, until our own health diminishes. You have high blood pressure, and so do I. I also have a blood clot. Nevertheless, I don't take out my frustration on my BPDw, nor is it fair to do so. I am being treated for it, and I am so very enthusiastic about my professional life, with teaching, tutoring, giving workshops, and writing books.

My BPDw doesn't do any rages, but she sure is moody and degrading either covertly or openly. Then, she monologues her sob stories about how much of a burden she has for wanting to work and to attend a university to take classes to change careers. Yet, any thoughts or concerns I share with her are just acknowledged with hardly ever any comfort which she demands daily. I just wish you, I, and the rest of us nonBPDs could have significant others who would be loving, compassionate, and sincere all the time. Of course, they can have their down days, but we all can. They just discount us, like we are the scum of the Earth.

Pearl55, I assume that this is not your real name, as Samuel S. is not my real name. However, for whatever reason why you chose Pearl55, the connection between you and me is there, besides having to deal with our BPDs. You see, my first wife's name was Pearl, and she passed away when she was 55. Isn't it ironic how things can evolve?

At any rate, Pearl55, I hope you are taking care of yourself and trying to distance yourself when your BPDh goes into his rages, if at all possible.

[Samuel S.]

My BPDw did her nightly complaining tonight about how overwhelmed she is about her work and her studies. She actually said that it is very stressful. I listened and validated what she said. Then, I suggested that if she were to take each amount of information that she needs to learn and to focus on it in order to know it well, that would be a lot better. Thus, her stress level may decrease. She laughed. She kissed me. A couple of minutes later, she was stressed out again. All the while I was listening, validating, and suggesting to her, I was feeling myself getting sad, because she is so involved in her own things, she has basically overlooked our relationship. This is nothing new, because she had done this even before this latest stress and chaos that she has created for herself. I hate to be morbid, but when I die, will be that the time she realizes she was a fool to disregard me, thereby realizing how much she then will miss me?