Suicide threats

[niko]

I took your advice and read the board on suicide help. My wife has been threatening for many years. It is obviously a cry for help. I don't over-react to it but i don't ignore her at that point either.  I must admit she appears far more stressed lately and i guess this is why i am now a member seeking help. It's not her increased pattern that worries me as much but somethings do feel a lttle different. She has been fighting much more with the children lately and as kids go they are very honest(against my advising them not to say) they come right out and say things like "Mom you are sick you need help". I think she is being told this from the kids and realizing there is some truth to it. She seems more frantic. We have talked about suicide and she knows and has told me everytime that she just goes to sleep and everything is better in the moning. She knows the feeling is temporary. She has refused any medical help everytime I have offered.

Is it ok to say that if she keeps talking about suicide that I am going to admit her? I have said it before and it didn't go well. Rage!  She always says "Suicidal thoughts come from suppressed anger". "So if I'm angry let me vent"   Is that true?

I think I need to take it more serious, something doesn't feel right. I guess thats why I always stay with her.

  Niko

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[an0ught]

Hi niko,

I took your advice and read the board on suicide help. My wife has been threatening for many years. It is obviously a cry for help. I don't over-react to it but i don't ignore her at that point either.  I must admit she appears far more stressed lately and i guess this is why i am now a member seeking help. It's not her increased pattern that worries me as much but somethings do feel a lttle different. She has been fighting much more with the children lately and as kids go they are very honest(against my advising them not to say) they come right out and say things like "Mom you are sick you need help". I think she is being told this from the kids and realizing there is some truth to it. She seems more frantic. We have talked about suicide and she knows and has told me everytime that she just goes to sleep and everything is better in the moning. She knows the feeling is temporary. She has refused any medical help everytime I have offered.

dealing with a severely depressed person is no fun . Particularly now where everyone is          a depressed person is particularly depressed. Year changes are hard as they are times of reflection and reflection for a depressed person is depressing.

Is it ok to say that if she keeps talking about suicide that I am going to admit her? I have said it before and it didn't go well. Rage!  She always says "Suicidal thoughts come from suppressed anger". "So if I'm angry let me vent"   Is that true?

I think I need to take it more serious, something doesn't feel right. I guess thats why I always stay with her.

You tell your children not to tell. You consider telling your wife not to tell or else. You notice a theme here?

As tempting as it is you can't control others. As hard as it is dealing with negative emotions you can't command them away. In fact you may well make them more persistent. It is critical that you understand better how emotions are regulated and what role validation and invalidation plays. Read up on this topic starting with the pointers in the LESSONS.

Considering the persistence and severity of the suicidal ideation of your wife if would be good to get a professional involved. One option if she does not go may be to seek out one for yourself. Another one may be to schedule a visit for both of you and if she is not coming along go yourself. She make try to make you cancel the plan but then may be too afraid to let you go alone. In any case you got real life support lined up.

[niko]

  We have plans to go out for New Years tonight for a little dinner. Quite often when we go out she starts and argument all by her self and embarrasses me, but it doesn't stop me from taking her out.

The past few years have been extreamly difficult on us. She can't get past losing both her parents. It's as if it just happened last week and she won't move on.

I think what you are saying is that I am enabling. Correct? I think I have a lot of reading to do and will start looking for a good thearipest.

Thank you for your advice,

  niko

[an0ught]

Hi niko,

We all are working on enabling less but what I referred to is your natural inclination to trying to stop - control - what you consider not good. And who would not - everyone does it.

Most people arriving here have a fairly simple concept of what validation is that is primarily centered around positive emotions and extrapolate it into negative emotions along the lines of "Think positive!". They are off but it doesn't matter as most receivers are somewhat resilient. For us that we are dealing with people who are in a lot of pain and drama this is not good enough and we need to build a very good understanding of how emotions work, how to recognize them, how to express them and when to express what. At it's core BPD is a condition driven by unregulated emotions and depending how we act we may contribute or take away from the instability.

A key insight is: Trying to stop/control the expression of negative emotions will just increase the emotion behind the expression and make it stronger - like resistance against a muscle. Yes, it is tiring to listen to someone who is depressed but telling your wife not to express it just increases her sense of hopelessness. We call the focus on directly influencing other people "controlling" and acting against emotions behind behavior "invalidation". This all sounds initially complex and cryptic but once you worked through the LESSONS it will become clearer. Stopping invalidation is usually the first, safest, simplest and quite effective step in stabilizing the situation.

  We have plans to go out for New Years tonight for a little dinner. Quite often when we go out she starts and argument all by her self and embarrasses me, but it doesn't stop me from taking her out.

The past few years have been extreamly difficult on us. She can't get past losing both her parents. It's as if it just happened last week and she won't move on.

It is hard to let go. PwBPD can form very, very strong attachments and letting those go is not easy for them. Dealing with death is hard in any case but for a pwBPD it is particularly hard. Maybe her grief could motivate her to seek out some therapy?

 ,

a0