Could it be I'm getting better?

[LilMissSunshine]

I think I’ve turned a corner.  But maybe not.  To sum up:  I finally received an email from my exuBPDbf – actually about 20 in all over the course of a day or so.  I broke nc and responded.  I was weak and curious.  Mostly just subject line msgs like “Urgent”, “pls call”, “V important”, “legal issues”, etc. (He’s blocked from all contact with me except e-mail).  So, I finally called and imediately the gaslighting started so I hung up.  More e-mails, I responded and boy did I blow at him.  Not in anger, just telling him how it was.  Then more of the begging to call him. I emailed him that I would but if he started gaslighting or projecting I would hang up again.  I called and listened to him for over 30 minutes (quietly shaking my head in disbelief) without saying a word.  He was very emotional, crying and I actually couldn’t understand some of what he was saying.  I remember hearing stuff like he’s on T #4, that he and his new T (of approx. 3 or 4 weeks) finally figured out I wasn’t BPD, I was instead a narc.  (My mother made a coment to him once and because of that coment he now believes I grew up to be a narc.  Keep in mind, my parents gave me a wonderful childhood.  I am one of 7 children.  Yes some of us have our issues but I would not change the way I was raised or my parents for anything.  In addition, one of my siblings is a transsexual.  According to my exuBPDbf this is associated with narcissism so that further proves I am one.  However, I am happily heterosexual and still have the same genitals I was born with).  At the same time he and his T have also concluded he isn’t disordered.  Told me how he showed his T an angry e-mail or something I had sent him “once upon a time”.  Sent me cartoon video’s to watch, proving I was the ill one.  Expressed his anger at how “I actually almost had him convinced that he was disordered”.  Blah, blah, blah.

Of course, some of what he said made sense – after all I have written him angry texts and e-mails after I’ve been flipped hit_ black or physically abused. (that's why I continued to listen) but not the majority of it.  What I heard was him trying desperately to believe his own words to the point of embellishing, a little twisting and even a bit of fabrication.  I even heard a couple out right lies.  Heard a couple things about how much he loved me and all he ever wanted was for us to work out.  Finally, he asked me what I thought about what he was saying.  I replied, “Some of it made sense but most of it didn’t.”  That’s it.  That’s all I had time to say before BOOM.  A couple insults then FLIP... .  the ridiculous threats start... .:  He’s gonna “get a restraining order”, I’m “harassing him”, etc.  (Prior to him contacting me I have NOT comunicated with him at all)  That's when he totally lost me.  Wow.  Guess I didn't say what he wanted me to say, huh?  I hung up.

What I believe I heard was panic.  The panic of starting to come to terms with the fact that he indeed is disordered.  I got the sense that he was feeling the dreaded shame and that he was trying to project his shame onto me.

Interestingly enough I realized a few other things.  First, how sad I felt as I witnessed the show he was putting on desperately trying to convince me he wasn't disordered, when what he really did was reinforce the fact that he is.  Secondly, every time he presents me with the results of HIS personal diagnosis of me he is actually diagnosing himself.  Finally, for the first time and throughout this latest fiasco I felt safe in a way.  Even confident.  I believe that is due to the support I've received here, on this board.  Thank you.

I still love him though... .

[alliance]

Lil,

It sounds to me like you might have had some significant insight in seeing a BPD in action when you are somewhat removed from the emotion of it.

You also seem to have come to grips with the futility of trying to have a reasonable and rational conversation with a disordered individual. When they don't get what they want - control - they resort to their grab bag of dysfunction in an effort to draw you into their insane word games.

This stuff is one of the reasons I stay NC with my ex.

[LilMissSunshine]

I think so too alliance.  As the day wears on though, I feel like I'm sinking again.  I should not have broken contact and now I'm paying the price for it.  I can answer my own question now... .No, I am not getting better yet.  Not even close.  I am figuring things out but it's not helping the pain go away.

[UnLuckyLady]

  to you Lil Miss... .

I go through the exact same emotions you are... .I'm angry as hell one minute and think "He lost ME... .will never have another like ME... .HIS LOSS".   I could probably count to ten and those feeling morph into "I miss what we had. Why can't we have that again?  Why was I not good enough?"

I have second, third, fourth guesses myself as to whether I mat have the damn disorder.  My emotions are all over the place and I can't seem to control them... I understand from the sage people on this board that this is normal for us.  WH\hat we have been through is the equivalent of emotional murder.  Now we are trying to rebuild those emotions back to a healthy level... .which is damn near like relearning to walk.  We fall, get back up.  Fall again... .etc.   Takes some time, but we wish it was instant.   I'm sorry you are yet another who is and has been going through this madness... .

[damage control]

Up, down, sideays and back again ... everyone here knows those feelings.

Last night I got drunk and answered the texts I had ignored for hours - sent something barely legible thank Yoda ... he tried to respond ... to which I got more incoherent ... it ended with him just saying "Happy New Year DC" just after midnight ... I went from hating him to pitying him to wanting him in about 20 minutes flat ... I just hope my texts have put him off seeking me out as soon as he gets back here from his holiday ... I am tired from last night's rollercoaster of emotions and he wasn't even here  - I don't think I can face having him around again.

[LilMissSunshine]

Thanks ULL n DC.  Didn't think it was possible to  and  :'( at the same time.

DC... .I think we were in the same amusement park yesterday.  The one with the dreaded roller coaster; the one you "pay for your ticket with your tears."

[damage control]

We must have been LMS

Problem is I came here a while ago now and can't find the bloody exit!

[LilMissSunshine]

Can't find the exit either.  Hope we're not actually in the "Hotel California" instead.  That would explain it.

(Sub in He for She)

On a dark desert highway, cool wind in my hair

Warm smell of colitas, rising up through the air

Up ahead in the distance, I saw a shimering light

My head grew heavy and my sight grew dim

I had to stop for the night

There she stood in the doorway;

I heard the mission bell

And I was thinking to myself,

"This could be Heaven or this could be Hell"

Then she lit up a candle and she showed me the way

There were voices down the corridor,

I thought I heard them say... .

Welcome to the Hotel California

Such a lovely place (Such a lovely place)

Such a lovely face

Plenty of room at the Hotel California

Any time of year (Any time of year)

You can find it here

Her mind is Tiffany-twisted, she got the Mercedes bends

She got a lot of pretty, pretty boys she calls friends

How they dance in the courtyard, sweet sumer sweat.

Some dance to remember, some dance to forget

So I called up the Captain,

"Please bring me my wine"

He said, "We haven't had that spirit here since nineteen sixty nine"

And still those voices are calling from far away,

Wake you up in the middle of the night

Just to hear them say... .

Welcome to the Hotel California

Such a lovely place (Such a lovely place)

Such a lovely face

They livin' it up at the Hotel California

What a nice surprise (what a nice surprise)

Bring your alibis

Mirrors on the ceiling,

The pink champagne on ice

And she said "We are all just prisoners here, of our own device"

And in the master's chambers,

They gathered for the feast

They stab it with their steely knives,

But they just can't kill the beast

Last thing I remember, I was

Running for the door

I had to find the passage back

To the place I was before

"Relax, " said the night man,

"We are programed to receive.

You can check-out any time you like,

But you can never leave. "

[damage control]

I love that song! ... One of my earliest/sexiest memories is to that song ... ... .

[LilMissSunshine]

Yikes.  I hope I didn't take a good memory for you and turn it into a bad one.

[damage control]

Oh no chance of that ... this is a memory from when I was 15/16 and it's here to stay ... **wriggling eyebrows**

[LilMissSunshine]

HaHa sounds like you've got a good story to tell DC.  Thanks for taking my mind off my sadness for a bit.  You've been a great help     I wish you an incredibly wonderful healing new year   

[damage control]

And to you LMS ... .