3 years and she flipped my world upside down. lost and searching for peace.

[MellowOddFellow]

First off I'd like to say she was my first and only relationship, so I automatically assume some responsibility.

We met and the classic BPD love story began, the vicious cycle I now know. For 2 years I fought soo hard for her, crazy busy times. Shes a single mom and his son was like mine. I gave up so much for her, for years I turned my back on my friends, my responsibilities, my family... .I was so shaken to the core by her destructive BPD I almost lost my mind. She lost interest and started to act single saying I wasn't good enough for her, that I was too inexperienced and all sorts of mind games, thats when I lost it and went into a horrible depression and even eerily started to act like her. I got wrapped up in a dark place and she did express some interest to be there for me but not even a year later she gave up on me. After so many break ups she told me to change for her and i sincerly tried while my psyche was in shambles. After a bad fight I had no contact with her for 4 days which Is the most without contact since we met. Finally saw her and she said she missed me. I literary found out LAST NIGHT shes been with someone else behind my back while still leading me on for so long... .being around her, being with her, sleeping with her playing her sick game of family with me her and her small son, asking me to be the husband at chuckee cheese just for her to bail saying shes gotta "pick up her phone from a friends house 20 minutes away" and taking 2 hours to come back. Yesterday I called her because I honestly missed her so much... .No answer, later that night she asked me to hang out only to tell me she changed her mind because she had work early and had to take care of her son and i had to accept it... .THE SAME NIGHT I found out all the details and as sickened, shaky and uncontrollable as I felt I went to confront her surprisingly... .Or not so much, she was on her way to her new guys! I admit I lost my mind and raised my voice, punched my car and blocked her from leaving but never laid a finger on her like I always told her I'd never do.

I feel like a used empty shell, she sucked the life out of me, emptied out my mind and alienated me for her amusement only to turn her back on me with a big hit you when I sincerely needed her the most. My first love experience... .Forever tainted, my love a driving force... .Now an unbearable curse. I gave her every inch of me, got diagnosed with BPD with me, stuck by her side, paid her doctors... .Her pills and bills because I was so sure I wanted a beautiful future... .

I know I wasn't perfect in any way but god knows I tried till it ate me up and then some more... .Was I not good enough?

Trust is just a meaningless word now, along with love, care and friendship... .she my only friendship. Now alone lost on the street the way you dump an animal in a dumpster. Was it all a tragic cruel game since day one? I trust nothing. Will her "BPD" vanish with her new man and magically allow her perfect life? Where is my mind now? What's my place? Questions... .the kind that rob your sleep.

This is part me reaching out and part venting. For now a desire to forget her, forget it all, I have, the same way she did me.

"Blessed are the forgetful, for they get the better even of their blunders"




Thank you in advance. Strength and courage for all.

                                                                     


 

[sirensong65]

Scoot over guys, let's make a seat available for our new friend, Mellow.

Welcome, what a way to meet, huh?  First off, we all understand what you are going through.  As hard as it is to believe, no matter where you are from male or female, straight or gay, the BPD has a plan of attack and they all follow the war map to the inth  degree, it is truly fascinating.  It' like they have a BPD relationships for Dummies, book.

The next few weeks will be rough, I'm not gonna sugar coat it.  Buckle up, you will be all over the place.

But hang out here as much as you can and you will start to get better... .I promise. 

We get it.  We've lived it.  We're starting to stand upright now and you will too.  Lean on us. 

Now, it's gonna get a little dark but we have a light to shine on the path... follow me.  The mods will introduce shortly and lead you to some articles and such.  Knowledge is POWER!

  It's gonna be alright... .

[Surnia]

Yes, a seat and



MellowOddFellow

Its a tough start when the first relationship is with someone suffering from mental health problems.  :'(

One thing is very important to keep in mind: You did your best. We get easily trapped with: What if I failed... .

Yes, take your seat first here. 

[Naddred369]

Hi mellow,

Read the posts, ask questions, just vent. People on here WILL help you.

Stay strong.

[Waifed]

Mellow,

You just about wrote my story less her kids.  You have come to the right place to recover from the insanity.  Hang in there and realize that there is life after this.  I am 4 months our and even though I still think about her insanely at times I no longer hurt!  We are all here to support one another.

[LilMissSunshine]

Welcome Mello, I'm about six weeks out and this board has been a life saver.  You've come to the right place for help.   

[arn131arn]

Mellow,

Like Waifed your story is almost identical to mine.

We had a son (8) together.

You will learn about the different types of BPDs around here.  I, Waifed and you sound like we all had the Waif type.  These are extremely difficult and dangerous.  But I know how you feel... .Exactly how you feel.

Begin NC and start getting stronger.  I have my ups and downs after 2 weeks, but I know everyday of NC I get a little power back from my abuser.

Hang in there, buddy

[Waifed]

Mellow,

Like Waifed your story is almost identical to mine.

We had a son (8) together.

You will learn about the different types of BPDs around here.  I, Waifed and you sound like we all had the Waif type.  These are extremely difficult and dangerous.  But I know how you feel... .Exactly how you feel.

Begin NC and start getting stronger.  I have my ups and downs after 2 weeks, but I know everyday of NC I get a little power back from my abuser.

Hang in there, buddy

Arn

you seem to be doing much better

[MellowOddFellow]

Thanks for the encouragement guys. my heart thanks you I mean that sincerely, i just long for anything other than a stress induced mental burn out. I'm haunted by thoughts of what should I have done if anything at all. I look forward to my recovery and believe these words give me hope I'm not completely gone for good. I feel shame for giving up my true self, my values and beliefs, my self respect. Left for someone else... .just her toy to play. Somehow I remembered I believed that would never be me. Now here I am looking for a little piece of mind for whatever mind I have left. I'm so glad I found this place... .

I already feel on my way back home   :'(

[arn131arn]

Thanks, Waif. It has it's moments u know. Just trying to stay in the present and walk through each moment. Tonight is rough. Bartending seeing ALL these people in love. Some sugar daddies with their young girls... . pew is makes me sick!

[joethemechanic]

Start hanging out with another girl. As soon as your "waif" realizes there is competition she will come running and be stuck to you like glue, well at least for a while... .

How do I know? I met my "waif" in 1976 when she was 11.

And yeah I know it's a "F"ed Up game, and yeah I'm sick of it

[Perfidy]

MOF... . you doing ok? I hope you are. You sound ok... A little numb maybe? I was in horrible shape when I got here in August I think. Lots better now.

  Just wanted to mention that like the script of a BPD relationship there is another script. The healing and detachment process. I see from your post that you have recently begun this process. Your post is nearly identically to many others. Many of the same things that helped us along will help you too. You will want to obsess on what a horrible time she gave you. You are miles ahead already just by accepting responsibility. This focusing on the other person seems to be standard in the early grieving/detachment/healing process. Everyone does it. Just wanted to say that the more you are able to focus on yourself the better you will feel. Lots of good folks here and more love than a whole basket full of little baby ducks.

[MellowOddFellow]

much appreciated perfidy. and happy new year to all 

i do feel kinda numb i guess and not by choice, last night went to the deadmau5 new years concert alone, looking at everyone with their significant others and me sitting next to an empty seat, she was the reason why we were going.

i been having a terrible time sleeping... . i cant escape her and the image of her and her new savior both in my head making me sick, i cant stand it. im having such a harder time than i thought i would... . so torn between sadness, anger, resentment and disgust when i think about her.

the FIRST girl ive ever had contact with... . a waif and may i add noticeable ADHD. i still feel very lost, my feeling are so mixed and messed up,

i now can see what has been presenting itself as actual physical real symptoms from the turmoil inside me. been having serious anxiety bouts, feelings of vertigo and just general despair. as of now the internet is all i got but even now im too blurry to start healing. stuck in my room that reminds me of her, everything reminds me of her... . part of me wants her back so bad, but i know even if she committed to recovery i would find myself so lost thinking about the damage done. still feeling depressive till this moment and having opposite conflicting feelings.

part  of me wants to give her a piece of my mind, tell her what she is... what shes done... . i could rip her apart (i think) because i knew her so well, her good and her very worst. but i know this is a compulsive feeling and im sure it wont even phase her.

im afraid ive might be left with serious issues of my own now, im concerned about myself

[MrConfused]

part  of me wants to give her a piece of my mind, tell her what she is... what shes done... . i could rip her apart (i think) because i knew her so well, her good and her very worst. but i know this is a compulsive feeling and im sure it wont even phase her.

Don't.

I did this & I will guarantee you that it will leave you feeling like a horrible person. I told mine exactly what she does to people & how bad she'd made me feel for months as I'd always given her exactly what she wanted. Until the last week of our relationship I'd never once argued with her & had always agreed with her on everything. My T & friends keep telling me that I did the right thing, but I don't feel that way. You don't want the guilt, believe me.

All it will do is give her comfort that she did the right thing & you will be painted blacker than you ever thought possible.

[Perfidy]

MOF... . You got it! Like I said earlier... . You are following a script of healing and recovery. Everything that you said is healthy and I know how much it sucks. I commend you for going to that show alone. That is raw strength not letting anything that she does change your plans. Just have all of those nasty horrible torturing thoughts and embrace every negative feeling that you have. I know how much it hurts. This is growth for you. We all did the telling off and told them how much they damaged us... . Do it or not wont change a thing. Totally your call. Just makes you normal for what you have been through. I will advise you though... . No contact at all. period. will help you get through to yourself much quicker.

[MellowOddFellow]

i have been NC 2 days now, i havent blocked my phone and she hasn't contacted me again.

last night was so hard to enjoy, i wanted to run out a couple times but stayed till the end.

i feel so compelled to look at her social sites and while i think it helps me see her for who she really is i know deep down

im only hurting myself more. ive decided not to spill my resentful thoughts on to her.

should i reply if she txt me or call me? what should i say? how should i act? understanding? numb? happy? like the disaster that im right now?

im having serious feelings that i pushed her away at the end because i felt like the worst and believed it and i thought myself of savior turned to devil, im afraid she will use my period in this dark stage as her excuse of her ceasing all feelings and the r/s in general.

after what happened, what i found out... . she seems like she never cared about me... . and if she did she never will again... . and i feel she wont contact me ever again, but what should i do if she does? i want her soo bad, but how can i trust her?

what should i do if she comes back to me? asking for everything back? everything to be better/fixed?

long shot but by now ive lost my sense of trust in anything, even my intuitions and judgement.

[MrConfused]

If she does get in touch, I wouldn't act like the disaster you are now. I did when she contacted me to tell me she was changing her number a few weeks later (Why?) and she just didn't give a damn.

Even during this last convo she made it about *her* "I'm upsetting and hurting so much over this"

All my attempts to talk sense into her failed.

Not once did I get an apology for the way she treat me.

Realise that you didn't push her away, you just got sick of the push/pull dynamic, but the absence of it after having it for so long is hurting you almost as much as it did.

[Perfidy]

Can't answer any of those questions. All on you. First, you gotta think about your own mental health, your own state of mind. Your own sanity. This is a process. A huge one. It cannot be processed all at once. We go into shock. To deal with the shock we use denial. Give it some time. Just experience it. You have been through a lot. If you interact with her on any level it will cause you more pain. If you want to test this... . Do. I ran across this in some reading the other day... . " the persistence of this illusion is astonishing. Many follow it into the gates of insanity or even death." It applies to healing and recovery.

[MellowOddFellow]

the illusion is still alive in my mind against my will

knowing that for months shes been thru with me, pretending i dont even exist with her friends co workers, new loves... . while keeping me as

her pitiful secret life just to take advantage of me, use me and laugh at me... . a laughing stock for her and her friends who also lied to me, everyone was in on it but me.

this illusion now tears my brain in half... .

im not sure whats gonna happen to me, i can see this, almost in slow motion and i know it cant be good... .

[Perfidy]

It's the best thing that could have happened. The poison takes a while to get out. Just keep posting and get into counseling or therapy if you can. There are a few thing that help. Rest, exercise, diet. Therapy... . Get into gratitude and meditation. Above all get into you and stay into you. One more then i'll shut up.

[Perfidy]

i have been NC 2 days now, i havent blocked my phone and she hasn't contacted me again.

last night was so hard to enjoy, i wanted to run out a couple times but stayed till the end.

i feel so compelled to look at her social sites and while i think it helps me see her for who she really is i know deep down

im only hurting myself more. ive decided not to spill my resentful thoughts on to her.

should i reply if she txt me or call me? what should i say? how should i act? understanding? numb? happy? like the disaster that im right now?

im having serious feelings that i pushed her away at the end because i felt like the worst and believed it and i thought myself of savior turned to devil, im afraid she will use my period in this dark stage as her excuse of her ceasing all feelings and the r/s in general.

after what happened, what i found out... . she seems like she never cared about me... . and if she did she never will again... . and i feel she wont contact me ever again, but what should i do if she does? i want her soo bad, but how can i trust her?

what should i do if she comes back to me? asking for everything back? everything to be better/fixed?

long shot but by now ive lost my sense of trust in anything, even my intuitions and judgement.

This is the problem. You had her and it was soo bad. This won't change.

[winston72]

Hey MOF, your posts are so gut-wrenching and painful... . and elicit such familiar memories for me and for many on these boards.  Thank you for your candor and your openness.  

I am really sorry for the pain and turmoil you are feeling.  And I am angry at the cheating and betrayal you experienced.  It is painful to learn of this at ay point in a relationship, but all the more so at the end of one that was so confusing and turbulent.

I have attached a link to an article that was very helpful to me as I was processing the end of a relationship and the discovery of a long term affair at the same time.  I read this one over and over and over.

https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a109.htm

I found myself traumatized by my own internal, emotional split.  I so very much ached for her, and yet she was the source of my pain.  My mind was split and my emotions were throbbing.   In retrospect, my inner world was formed by the push/pull of the relationship itself.  And when my own desires for her were so strong yet I knew that she had and would betray me... . well, it made sense for me to lose confidence in my own intuition.  Really hard stuff.

As you see, there are many others who have traveled this road.  It is encouraging to know that it has a good final destination!  Keep feeling, keep thinking, keep emoting, keep posting, keep reading... . it will all help keep you on the right path.

[winston72]

Just saw the post from Perfidy.  Says it all!  For me, the key task was getting to a place where I could "Face the Facts" as this site is called.  I was just so confused, bewildered, hurting, torn up... . it has been a long journey to see her for who she was/is, the relationship for what it was and then me... . who I was in that relationship and who I am overall.  So bizarre to think that there was so much distortion that it was/is work just to get to the/some truth, but that is what it has been for me.  Several years in a relationship such as you had will do that to you.  Being lied to and cheated on is destructive in any circumstance; as a part of this relationship it is a source of acute pain that requires a lot of healing.

[MellowOddFellow]

It's the best thing that could have happened. The poison takes a while to get out. Just keep posting and get into counseling or therapy if you can. There are a few thing that help. Rest, exercise, diet. Therapy... . Get into gratitude and meditation. Above all get into you and stay into you. One more then i'll shut up.

thank you so much perfidy, i truly feel so poisoned right now and its hard to imagine this, hurt... . twisting and turning in agony will go away, even my logical mind tells me it WONT go away, just fade but will always be there. is this my own mind betraying me with the idea of her or a lesson... . a callus on my healing broken heart. since i isolated myself in the world we had built together i find myself utterly lonely and with no activities to do. for now i feel incapable of even getting out the house but ill take your advice and make a plan to start activities... . i long for the moments that made it, at the time, worth EVERYTHING... . but my eyes are a little bit more open now even thru the pain i can see i need to also long for something that wont remind me of her, the life i had and ultimately the loss and pain.

@winston72

i truly appreciate the article, its amazing to imagine i belong now to the ones that have fallen into the hole that is BPD and toxic relationships in general.

cant lie i always thought nothing like this would happen to me or let happen to me. yet here i am, a new found family and im glad i found it.

although these are just posts, these words from you people have been the only hope and crutch ive felt in so long and its honestly almost too much to see me

being brought back to life by something so simple and vital, real support and understanding. i didnt know ANYTHING when i came to her, so naive and hopeful and genuine... . it destroys me as much to know i lost what we had as well and losing who i was... .

ive coped with drugs (alcohol and smoking) for a while and i dont wanna give in into the black hole of alcoholism although ive found myself close to it,

trying not to keep things in, accept my pain and let it out but i have no one to let it out to and it only keeps building up, the worst part so far is the anxiety i feel it creep up on me making me shaky, an unbearable urge to cry, yell or something but not being able to, its like my suffering is stuck in my throat and i cant get it out, it suffocates me.

its so hard to imagine the light at the end of this tunnel... . but i truly want nothing more.