Frustration and A Really Bad Situation..Help

[supergirl2]

I don't know what I'm looking for with this post, possible advice or reflective thoughts might help.

I'm currently living at home while I go through chemotherapy. I had to stop college and move back home. It hasn't been easy. I just started new treatment, the most agressive yet so tensions are high. Today, as my BPD mother drove me to my appointment, she bawled her eyes out the entire way there while lecturing me that I'm too critical of her for getting after her when she doesn't do things right and when she is extremely EXTREMELY negative of everything in her whole life and hypercritical of my dad (all the time). She was telling me that I need to understand that she's unhappy and stop trying to give her advice on what she can stop doing (the above), to be happy. After the crying had started for no apparent reason, I had suggested that she take a small trip for a few days to see her grandchildren and relax. This spewed more tears and her telling me she's not the nutty one, my dad is, and that everyone blames her, and an internal eyeroll from me. So I sat there silently, while she drives with her tears telling me how her world is falling apart and I just don't understand, while I'm sitting here in my 20's receiving aggressive treatment that could kill me, bandages on my chest, an iv line taped to my collarbone, very underweight, very sick and trying to stay alive... . it appears MY LIFE has fallen apart, 100x more than her unnecessary problems and bemoaning my dad for supposedly ruining her life and anything and everything that has every gone wrong for her in the past THIRTY YEARS. She regularly goes over all of these things to me, and I hate to hear about it but she forces me to listen unless I want to have hell's wrath unleashed upon me in the form of anger. I get it that me living at home and being sick isn't what she envisioned and it's not fun for her, but common. She complains to me every single day about how much she hates (HATES) my dad for having a s b e r g e r s (I put the spaces because she googles all the time about this condition and any PD she can pin on anyone), about how much he has ruined her life over the years and how unhappy she is over stupid little things and has no concept at all that I would kill just to be healthy and I can't STAND to listen to her dump her emotional problems and depression on top of me every single day multiple times a day. Setting up emotional boundaries just makes her more angry.

I guess my question is, can having a spouse with a s p b e r g e r s make you nuts or is she just someone with BPD reacting how she does under stress?

She wants to leave my dad, thinking this will make her life happy, but won't do so until I'm better because of financial reasons. Today, right before the crying in the car, she told me she wanted to move 8 hours away where she could afford rent but wouldn't do so unless I go with her because she thinks that if she leaves me with my dad and I need anything done for me like doctor's appointments or going to the ER or hospitalization that he won't take care of me. I told her I wouldn't move. I didn't tell her it's because I absolutely refuse to live just with her with no one else there to keep her in line. She would torture me with boundary breaking and overall I just don't trust her after her possible psychotic episode where she physically blocked me in a room and refused to let me leave unless I had a certain argument with her, and then she claimed not to remember the entire thing. She doesn't wear clothes at home, she walks in on you in the shower and the bathroom, she doesn't bathe often enough and she's physically dirty and picks all the skin off her feet and leaves it on the floor, she barrages me with her emotional problems all the time... . I don't want to live with her especially alone. Being around her is like being around a walking talking festering wound. I assume she saw my refusal to move with her to be both a rejection and a continued trap in a marriage she hates but oh well, I'm not doing it. I told her she can move and go by herself, and she's certain that if she does that I'll die from neglective care and told me she won't leave me because I'm her kid and she loves me.

I don't even know... . I just hate it here. I'm stuck in a horrible life threatening situation with my health and living in a horrible stressful environment that I have no ability to escape. She thinks she has it so hard and she has no idea. I'm just so tired of dealing with all her problems. I have my own things to deal with and I don't need her's   With my health the way it is, I worry I'm going to die here in this hellhole and never make it out. I want out SO BADLY and there's truly nowhere I can go. I can't afford rent to live on my own. I even asked if just maybe they would let me live in their rental house so I can be by myself and away from the stress and she told me that since I can't do my own laundry or dishes every day or drive because I'm sick, I'm therefore not an adult and can't expect to live like an adult. She doesn't get it that it's not 0% or 100%. I should be allowed to be an adult in my head and living situation and receive help where I need it like groceries and some household chores, not be stripped of everything and infantilized against my will, while drowning me with her emotional problems and stresses is JUST FINE by her. And told I need to have compassion for her and her useless problems ... . I'm so frustrated.

[wkjkek]

Supergirl,

I am so sorry that you are sick and finding yourself dealing with all this turmoil on top of it. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. While I have no idea what it is like to have a spouse with Asperger's, I can tell you what it is like to live with a son who has it. Believe me, while it can be frustrating at times, in no way is it as miserable as what your mother is describing. Just trust me on that one.

I can't really give you much advice in general as I don't have a mother with a personality disorder-I have a sister with one. But I do think you need to do whatever you can do to live in a place with the least amount of stress and chaos around you. So you have a close friend, a sibling or another relative with whom you can stay, at least while you are undergoing the chemo? It sounds to me like the best thing you can do for yourself is to hightail it away from your mother as soon as you can. Not an easy thing to achieve I'm sure. I wish you strength in your battle and hope for a really healthy and happy future.

[Kwamina]

Hi supergirl2,

I'm very sorry to read about your illness. I remember some of your previous posts and your mother behaving the way she does really isn't what you need right now. I think wkjkek has given you some great advice about trying to find someone else to stay with, at least while you're battling this illness. Do you feel like there are any people in your life who would be willing to take you in for a while? You already have enough to deal with now with your own serious health issues so I hope you'll find a way out of there into a somewhat less stressful environment.

I'm not an expert when it comes to A s p e r g e r ' s, but I (unfortunately) do have a lot of experience dealing with BPD relatives (mother and oldest sis). In my experience people with BPD tend to use everything they can to justify their own horrible behavior. Do you also believe that your father has  A s p e r g e r ' s or do you think this is just something your mother has made up? Do you feel like your mother is using your father's (alleged) condition to justify her own behavior?

Take care and I sincerely hope you'll find a way out of this stressful environment.