My exBPDgf wants me to talk to his son

[MellowOddFellow]

as the title says she wants me to talk to his son, she did pretty horrible stuff to me but since day one i kept a son father r/s with the kid, and i still love and care for him despite all the tragedy. im not sure if im ready to see or speak to her but i dont want to let the boy down, it breaks my heart thinking about it. she wants me to call him most likely but i know she will pick up or listen in and im worried i might break down talking to the boy. i loved this boy like he was my own... . i dont wanna lose him. i need advice... .

thanks all as always

[santa]

This smells like a trap to me. Tugging on your emotions. It's probably going to wind up being a manipulation that will blow up in your face. I'd keep away.

Nobody likes to let kids down, but you've got to protect yourself or you won't be any good for anyone.

[Perfidy]

MOF... . No contact has to be the way for now. It doesn't mean no contact for ever, just for now. You need time. Let the feelings lighten up a little. When you are thinking more clearly then do contact if that is what you want. For one thing, from your previous post you clearly still want her. You have to figure out what you want for yourself. I'm not going to kid you at all... . a clean break is the way to go if a break is what you want. The back and forth thinking and behavior will make you feel like you are in limbo and you will stay stuck in the FOG. Fear,obligation,and guilt. No contact helps the fog lift. Here is an excellent opportunity to start making better choices for yourself. The youngster is fine. He always has been and always will be, no matter what. This is about YOU and no one else.

[simplyasiam]

ive had the same call from the ex, been in same r/s with her son, her whole family told me how bad the boy was taking it, my ex use every bit of that to get to and use and hurt me again

[MellowOddFellow]

Guys I made a huge mistake... .

So I heard a message by the boy literary crying because he missed me so much as I did him. Talked to him and my heart fell apart listening to this 5 yo boy who looks up to me so much.

First bad step is after she came on the phone... . So I had to talk to her and said she understood w.e I was doing or feeling  but that she would still like to talk to me I guess to completely close the book. I foolishly decided I'd go and hear her out for closure sake and with my mind determined to stay strong and use what I've learned... .

She started saying how she knew that she made me insane, literally, that she acknowledged that she was terrible to me and that she did in fact try to do a 180 for me, which I could see a change in her... . But I was too difficult for her to put up with and that one day she just stopped feeling anything for me and decided to move on, she also acknowledged that she did in fact lie to me to my face and led me on keeping me around and things were apparently ok calling me baby, saying i love you and that she missed me... . Now I know in this same time she was already talking to someone else and I quote her "it was all premeditated"

I proceeded to let her know that I accepted some responsibility for knowing it probably wouldn't be an easy relationship (although then I had no idea how tragic it would all be) and that I was hurt she herself said she was too selfish and self absorbed to give me the love and support I gave her unconditionally, that she should have let me go instead of being one of her "open options" as she actually said, that despite me being overwhelmed and having a breakdown I was always good to her and I didn't deserve that, told her she destroyed any trust by lying and using me and now it invalidated anything she told me. She was Bent on finding how I found her and her secret new interest. At the end of he night we were just sitting there when she asked me if I wanted to sleep over one last time (no sex just for old times) her house had literally become my 2nd home so after some thinking (not enough... . ) I stupidly said yes... .   MISTAKE # 2

I slept over and we pretty much embraced like we used to and quickly went to sleep.

This morning she's texting me smilies saying hi that I'm cute... . I have to admit it made my general uneasiness go away...

Now here is the juicy bit... . The night I found about her scheme I returned home after confronting her and then I needed to vent so bad I called her best friend who recently moved away as she has been thru the same situation if not worse... . Only to find her surprised that I was still in the picture as according to my exBPDgf she had broken up with me for a while and was already onto her next guy, she said she felt bad I to go thru it and that my best bet was to completely move on from her since she knows my exBPDgf as good as I do.

So now I can see she's trying something just because I seemed to be ok and even slept over with such clear head... . So after a couple texts saying she wants to see me again I get a sudden text:

" you talked to my friends behind my back?"

She went on a rampage of how she didn't want to ever see me again that I was talking smack(?) To her friends even though according to her I "knew" she was talking to someone else which is not what's in my mind... . She went on to say she had no real friends, screw all the ppl... . She assumed he best friend snitched on her but this isn't true,  I know she's mad that she told her best friend another girl was taking her to a concert when it was in fact ME who was taking her, she feels busted and said she was happy she did what she did and that she will never look back.

I proceeded to tell her that her best friend only comforted me in my time of need and that she was actually a good friend to my exBPDgf by defending her and telling me to leave while I still can... . That she had put herself in that position not me or her friend, told her I'm ready to take my life to the next level that she could only blame herself... . how I hated BPD because it had taken everything from me but I would be great and OK and I was sorry we couldn't be together... .

I'm not really affected by her angry and spiteful reaction since even the night before I felt so level headed maybe because I saw her like the frightened confused 10 yo girl she was when her family fell apart, which has to be the source of her BPD as well as her useless pitiful mother who I'm 90% is an UpwBPD... .

for the meantime I feel almost numb towards my exBPDgf as my plan has been to move forward all along but I'm kinda worried I might have done unintentional damage to my exBPDgfs friendship with her best friend of childhood.

I should have listened to my inner voice which is a sign I still have ways to go... .

I haven't talked to the best friend since that night and they obviously must have spoken to each other today for her to go from smiles to rage... .

I dont know if I should do anything or let everything go

Need some insight I know I messed up and I'm stupid but now I want to own up to what I did and do the right thing for me but also so others aren't hurt unnecessarily... .

... .

[Perfidy]

Did you take the red pill or the blue one?

[Perfidy]

MOF... . I know it's hard. It seems so real. She even told you. It takes time. Don't be hard on yourself.

[BenTired]

This smells like a trap to me. Tugging on your emotions. It's probably going to wind up being a manipulation that will blow up in your face. I'd keep away.

Nobody likes to let kids down, but you've got to protect yourself or you won't be any good for anyone.

This would've been my advice... Just stay away. Now you're in a worse position because no matter what you do she will twist it on you.

I think that you ought to do what I do when you have those weak moments. Call or meet a friend or any number of hobbies or activities that you like to do and if all that fails then get on this board. Sometimes i read the staying thread, sometimes the undecided thread amd sometimes this thread. The common denominator in all 3 threads is pain. These people are toxic and you have to make a call as to what your threshold is. You didn't cause it and you sure can't cure it. You need to figure out what you want and how much you can take because this person is not going to change for you. They will however change you. My ex changed me and not for the better. She knows that the son was your weak point as it would be for all of us. You need to stay strong for you . We are all behind you.

[winston72]

Hey MOF, you have been through a lot of grief and drama these past 24 hours!  Please be a bit more gentle and kind to yourself.  You have not made a "huge mistake" and you are not "stupid."  You are navigating through an incredibly painful and complex time in your life.  

My first reaction is that you now have the great benefit of her first-hand confirmation of her deceit, manipulations and betrayals.  You can have no doubt that she behaved as you suspected and that she did so with full awareness and intent.  You might want to mark these memories in your brain with the proverbial neon highlight pen.  These confessions will be useful as you sort out your memories and feelings about this relationship.  

You are concerned about doing the right thing so "others are not hurt unnecessarily."  I think the right thing now is to make sure that you are not hurt unnecessarily.  After her confirmation of her betrayals, she very easily reverted to her seductive manipulations in her text messages the next morning.  It might be best to interpret her communication in the light of her confirmation for you that she is not trustworthy.  In other words, do not trust her.

Perhaps you could go back and read your own post again now, or in the future.  Your ex confirmed for you that she behaved in a treacherous manner toward you; then you made yourself vulnerable again by staying the night with her; she played with you in the morning via text message; in spite of her confirming for you that she is treacherous, her text messages made you feel good; she quickly changes on you because of her conversation with her friend which involved no wrongdoing on your part; you end the episode with concern for her, her friend, others and by calling yourself stupid.  

Perhaps "owning up to what you did" would be to focus on this set of dynamics and how you responded.  You seem to be the least concerned about your own emotional well being.  You seem like a really good guy... . kind, considerate, wanting to do the right thing, worried about others... . and these are traits to hang on to.  Perhaps what got lost in this tangle with your ex is a healthy commitment to direct these same attributes toward yourself.  

Keep posting!  

[MellowOddFellow]

whichever pill makes the $hit hit the fan... .

i know this would have happened eventually whether i slept over or not since the talk with her friend had taken place days ago it was just matter of them getting in touch, but i guess this follows the pattern of my infamous bad timing, i cant understand since she obviously made the choice long ago to erase me... . i should have not spoken to her friend because that only opened up a can of worms for her too i can imagine, maybe not... .

the more i learn about this evil bloodsucking disorder the more detached im becoming... . thinking its not her its the BPD speaking!  but shes relatively high functioning so sometimes it feels more personal.

like i said im pretty sure shes doing total NC... . part of me hopes so and a part of me feels like i lost something i cherished... .

because i did! just not enough for her... . she blames me for being stubbornly stuck in depression and not changing for her and thats why she did what she did. but i know better, there is absolutely no reason why she would ever drive me into insanity, no one deserves that, not in the street and not in a relationship where you supposedly love... . i know i deserve better and even thought this happened to me, her... . us, i would have taken her to the stars and back but BPD happened, to me as much as her... .

for now i can feel myself becoming cold and indifferent, the pain and anger have subsided but still there now almost taking a new sinister form, like i want to hurt her the way she did just because i want to.

not healthy... . but im trying to cope with the exploded r/s as well as the rest of my life which was damaged as well in an almost methodical way.

i plan to keep NC only just to talk to the baby boy every once in a while, i hope she doesnt take him away from me and if she does it will break my heart for him because ill have to leave him alone but life must go on and all ill be able to do is think and hope the best for him.

it seems even after things seem gone beyond repair the vicious machine still manages to work, live and do damage

i feel so much anticipation, i cant describe this current feeling, the same way ive lost the meaning of many emotions

i can feel her mindset and framework sneaking around in my head, the chaotic thought process, a year ago i had what they think was a sort of triggered psychosis... . i honestly couldnt make sense of even basic things... . im better now specially since the last drop its like i crazed myself to the sane side again... .

i cannot thank every single one of you enough... . this place and you amazing people have opened my eyes soo much... . so much... . i can now recognize i hit rock bottom of the "FOG" i can finally feel something liberating, i cannot comprehend but it feels good almost too strange and scary... . i have not gone to seek advice, help or support for years thinking this is how r/s are meant to be and that i was a constant failure, i was the super prime victim for the waif... . inexperienced, purely genuine and ready to give to someone or something what i had to offer because i felt i had so much to give never having had a real connection with everyone, now my best hopes is i can still salvage anything of myself, save myself from the savage extremely intense and utterly chaotic version of love i got to know... .

what a way to learn about such a thing as BPD... .  

[Perfidy]

Yup... . You got it all down. Nope... . You aren't a bad person. Takes time my friend, a good therapist, exercise, rest, healthy diet, gratitude. Oh yeah, and stay hydrated. That's one I always forget. It's the little things that you can do for yourself to make it all easier. Build a good life for yourself. Don't be pulled in by the child. I know how hard it is but you see the result for yourself. You want it to change. It will... . Continue contact for any reason and it will get worse. I'm not warning you. I'm telling you what normally happens. What doesn't seem to happen very often is instant closure. If that happened it wouldn't be normal. What's normal is a slow transformation of thought,feeling and behavior. You can't change her. You can't change the fact she has BPD. You can change yourself. You have to be willing to let her go. She will drag you down. Remember, I'm not trying to warn you. I'm telling you what I have seen.

[MellowOddFellow]

thank you  so much perfidy as well as everyone else

looking back it was in a weird and twisted way something that hopefully makes me become

a better person even than who i used to be and beyond... .

trying not to fight the sorrow and sadness of losing ultimately the connection and accept it

trying to feel everything as much as i can and at the same trying to stay strong for myself so i dont find myself stuck

she was so engraved in my mind truthfully i still wrestle with the instinctive attachment to the idea of her, trying to separate her side when she was ok and happy and her BPD side and see her for who she really was, or rather, see what was hiding there all along.

i now i got a long way ahead of me, wish my first taste of love wouldnt have poisoned me so much, but obviously what wont kill you will make you stronger, i hope!

[Perfidy]

thank you  so much perfidy as well as everyone else

looking back it was in a weird and twisted way something that hopefully makes me become

a better person even than who i used to be and beyond... .

trying not to fight the sorrow and sadness of losing ultimately the connection and accept it

trying to feel everything as much as i can and at the same trying to stay strong for myself so i dont find myself stuck

she was so engraved in my mind truthfully i still wrestle with the instinctive attachment to the idea of her, trying to separate her side when she was ok and happy and her BPD side and see her for who she really was, or rather, see what was hiding there all along.

i now i got a long way ahead of me, wish my first taste of love wouldnt have poisoned me so much, but obviously what wont kill you will make you stronger, i hope!

Punctuate this correctly and I will agree with everything you wrote here

[Learning_curve74]

Mellow, you did give her a lot and you still have a lot to give. Is it your fault that she isn't equipped to accept what you have to offer?

It's hard to detach, you have every right to all the feelings you have. You also have a responsibility to yourself to take care of yourself. Post whatever you need and as much as you need to in order to work on your own healing. Aren't you worth it? 

[MellowOddFellow]

youre right, it wasnt love, at least how love is supposed to be, instead i experienced her own version of "love" which she imparted on me.

for now im trying to learn as much as i can, ive realized what i can see many have, that im not alone, that in fact there is so much to find.

i feel like now that i know more about it i feel so much better and i know i still have tons to learn, like learning how to heal and taking care of myself.

its strange to be out of the cycle, like ive stepped out a dark room, disoriented and lost. but i know this is the road beginning to a better me and my life, because im realizing again that is the purpose... . to enjoy life not cope with it.

thanks guys its nice to be somewhere where im completely understood

[Perfidy]

MOF... I felt like this... . I loved her but she didn't love me. That's how I felt. I kind of still feel that way. Ok here comes Freud... . I was in love with one of my parents that I didn't get love from. I call bs on that.

We learn our relationships from our parents... . Hmmm... . I agree up to a point.

There's the chemical science now too. Something about serotonin and dopamine and blah blah blah. The changes in the brain chemistry produced by a sexual relationship, similar to addiction or full on addiction... . I dunno.

Witch craft and the supernatural get poor reception. Too bad. I like that idea the most.

$hitons of $hit to sort through and try to figure it out.

I loved her but she didn't love me back. That's how I perceived it and I'm one of the sharpest and smartest people that I know right now. (I'm alone) but seriously... . Part of my puzzle is understanding that I was not alone in the r/s but paradoxically I was. Nothing rational about the rabbit hole.