Unsure about where I'm going / I think it's time to go back to therapy

[Sango216]

Hello all!

Happy New Year to all of you!  I hope you brought 2014 in safely!  I haven't been here in a couple of weeks.  I've been thinking about my behavior over the past couple of weeks and I think it's best that I start going back to therapy.  I'm currently on break from school and I find myself putting off the things that are most important and becoming clingy with my friends again.  It seems that I've tricked myself into believing that I am no longer that codependent, dramatic person I was before.

Last night I brought in the new year with a few friends.  I got into it with my friend's brother.  It seemed like every time I said something, he had to make some sort of comment about it or question me, even when my comments weren't directed towards him.  I ignored him most of the night and then I snapped.  I accidentally spilled some crackers and I got down on the floor to pick them up.  He laughs and says "What's wrong with you?  You're bending over to pick them up like this is Oliver Twist or something."  What?  I asked him "Could you do me a favor and shut the hell up?"  I shouldn't have said it.  It had just been festering all night.  Then I told him that I'm nuts and to leave me alone.  He proceeded to tell me that he is also crazy, made a few jokes about how there was a "big yard outside," (WTH?  Was he trying to fight me or something?) and that's when I left the kitchen and grabbed my things.  I was pretty tired and was ready to leave anyway.  I kindly thanked my friend and her mother for allowing me to join them for the evening.  My friend's mother asked if I was okay and I told her that I was fine.  I was.  I just needed to remove myself from that situation.  I spoke with my friend today and he told me that his brother is one of those people who will take a joke and run with it, then turn it into this ongoing thing until it isn't funny anymore.  He says he usually picks on him so when he left the room, I was the next best thing.

Then today I got worked up over something silly.  I invited four friends out to eat at a Japanese restaurant.  Three of them said yes, while the fourth one didn't give me a definitive yes or no.  I figured she'd meet us later but I didn't hound her about it.  She later told me that she had been eating all day and she could meet us at my place later.  I said cool.  We go out to eat, I get home and let her know that we are there so she can come over whenever.  She says she's helping her mom clean up.  I said okay and left it at that.  She texted me later saying her mother wouldn't let her leave... . ?  That's not like her mom at all.  She just didn't want to come and didn't want to say it.  I said okay and then she wanted to carry on some conversation about movies she was watching earlier.  I wouldn't have been so upset if this didn't happen all the time.  I constantly invite her places and she comes up with some excuse as to why she can't come.  I don't know why I can't just leave her alone.  My mother made a comment that my friend may think I'm dramatic and that's why she doesn't want to hang out with me.  I don't blame her.  Still, I guess I just don't get why she can't come out and say "I don't really feel like going out," or simply telling me from the beginning that she can't make it.  :)on't tell me you're coming and then back out at the last minute.  It's rude.

I hate being this person... . the one no one wants to hang out with.  The one who gets into it with people.  The one drama surrounds.

And I'm putting off studying for the Praxis II.  I don't know if it's because deep down I don't want to be a teacher, or because I'm afraid to teach.  Part of me feels like I'm not good enough.  I can write papers and get good grades, but if I can't teach the material effectively and I'm not passionate about learning and education, what good am I to those kids? Whenever I think about taking the test and student teaching, I get anxious and worked up.  Graduation is in May.  I don't know what I want to do with my life.  Everything is a mess.  People keep asking me "So what grade do you want to teach?"  My family members brag to their friends "This is going to be our teacher.  She's teaching high school English!"  I get so angry when they do that.  I just want to yell "Stop calling me a freaking teacher!  Leave me alone!"  If I could go back to freshman year I would tell myself "There are so many roads and avenues that you can choose, you just don't know it yet.  :)on't choose this one because it's the only one in sight."  It's too late for that though.  I've either got to go back to school or find something to do with this degree.

And lately my ex boyfriend has been on my mind a lot.  I wonder what he's doing, who he's with, whether he's in a relationship.  Apparently he is.  A friend of mine is friends with him on Facebook.  It seems he has had his share of relationships since we ended things a long time ago.  I bet he's having a blast.  And I see myself and think "He had nothing to do with your issues.  You were already messed up."  

I was at work one night and a customer came in.  I believe he was homeless.  He smelled very bad and his clothes were filthy.  He was so sweet though.  He was looking for a pair of pants for under $10.  I picked out some red ones but he said that wouldn't do.  He needed something he could wear multiple times without people noticing.  He insisted he was self-employed and carried around a folder, and while he was searching through our clearance rack, he asked me questions about my life, my goals, and my dreams.  I told him I didn't know what I wanted to do with my life.  He said I needed to go home and make a list of all of the things I could see myself doing, no matter how big or small.  He said I needed to talk to myself, think things over.  I don't know his name or where he is now, but I sure could use a pep talk from him right now.  Sometimes I sit there and I think "God, I need to see my therapist again," then I come up with some excuse.  "Money's tight right now, I'll do it next week, I work all this week, etc."  I've got to do something because this isn't working.  Without my therapist I end up coming here and talking a hole in your heads.

Despite the fact that I've healed a lot from my BPD relationship, I've still got issues that I was dealing with prior to it.  Those problems I was working on before him have resurfaced.  Yeah, my grades have improved a lot since we ended things, and I've got a steady job, but I'm still battling all of these internal issues and trying to figure out where the last 21 years have gone.  It's scary to be unsure of where you'll be in a year's time.  Has anyone else here ever been in this place?  

[heartandwhole]

It's scary to be unsure of where you'll be in a year's time.  Has anyone else here ever been in this place?  

Hi Sango,

Definitely.  I can relate to your thoughts and feelings.  I'm glad you are writing it out.  The future is unknown, and that can bring some anxiety– so perfectly understandable and normal.   

Some people are goal-oriented and do really well with an action plan.  Does that describe you?  Other people seem to take things as they come, and somehow that leads to interesting and unexpected places.  I used to have goals and took action toward them, yet the happiest and most successful times of my life have been when I let go of my plan and welcomed what life brought my way.  But I learned that after meeting many closed doors on my original path, and realizing that my happiness was more important to me than "forging ahead no matter what."

Maybe I'm just flighty and can't stick with things, could be.  But focusing on the immediate present has brought some wonderful experiences and lessons my way, and I've found that life is so intricate, interesting, and creative that sometimes I feel like I'm just trying to keep up with all the twists and turns!

So, this wordy reply is really meant to convey that none of us knows what's coming next year, so dealing with today and next week is not impractical at all.  Breaking down what you want into smaller components may be helpful, too.  Do you want to finish school?  Then start up in the Spring semester again.  Do you want to speak to your therapist next week?  Pick up the phone and call today.  I know very well that that phone may or may not be picked up, and it's okay either way, it really is.  I truly believe that there is a wisdom operating in our lives, a beneficent one.  The trick is giving ourselves the gift of listening to it... .

This is your life, to do with what feels good and healthy for you.  You don't have to have it all figured out.  No one does, really.   

[Sango216]

Hello Heartandwhole:

Thank you so much for your kind words.  I really do like to have an action plan and something to look forward to.  If I don't, I wonder where I'm going and I feel like I'm walking around aimlessly.  I had a plan:  study and prepare myself for my test (hopefully pass), take my spring semester courses, graduate, then come back and student teach.  However, I've about had it with these action plans and this is the first break I've had in a long time, so I told myself "Stray away from it for a bit.  Relax.  You deserve it."  Unfortunately I think I've taken it too far.  Here I am five days away from my test and I haven't studied, read, or done anything.  I've been hanging out with friends, laughing, crying, and doing whatever I want, and all this anxiety comes rushing back as the test approaches. 

Maybe I'm just flighty and can't stick with things, could be.  But focusing on the immediate present has brought some wonderful experiences and lessons my way, and I've found that life is so intricate, interesting, and creative that sometimes I feel like I'm just trying to keep up with all the twists and turns!

A good friend of mine told me something similar to this a couple of months ago.  Once again, I was stressed because of schoolwork, exams, papers, etc.  She said "You're thinking about next week and everything after, but what about today?  Focus on what you can do right now, and once you figure that out, do it.  The rest of that stuff can be dealt with later."

I guess I am thinking too far ahead.  I haven't even taken the test yet and I'm already thinking "If I fail I can take it again in February."  I'm not even giving myself a chance to prepare or to pass because I'm already thinking of an action plan in the event that I do fail. 

I will return in the spring and graduate in May, and I scheduled an appointment with my therapist for this Friday.  I'm looking forward to this visit.  Right now, in the immediate present, I need to talk about this stuff.  I need to address the reasons why I've been dragging my feet and setting myself up for failure versus actually preparing myself the way I should've months ago, and ask myself what do I want and what will make me happy. 

I feel like visiting my therapist is a wonderful way to start.

Thanks again,

Sango