some advice please.

[Sw2020]

So, my year long experience with my now ex. She has exhibited clear BPD traits but is undiagnosed.

If I had found this forum sooner, my life would have been so much easier.

My now  ex went to a guy who has always been interested in her when she split with me (she had an abortion and we broke up the day after!). He's a lot older.

I just got on with my own thing and only found out she had moved on as a friend (him trying to look out for me apparently) sent me a screenshot of Facebook and she was going abroad with him for NYE. But also she was checking them both in and having pictures galore together.

I was okay with it. But I'd been receiving texts from her. When I found out, I calmly asked why she hadn't mentioned she'd got close with someone else.

I then got back her saying that the truth was she was abroad and in hell and can't wait to get home. That she misses everything about me and still loves me"

She wants to meet when she is back.

I'm now 50/50 on doing this. I clearly have some issues with some unhealthy attachment to her. I don't have her on a pedestal. I do really care about her though and handled her getting back in contact terribly by giving her hope. I'm aware of my shortcomings. I JADE like mad. Always "how dare she say such untrue things about me?"

I know on some level I really want to be with her. Her BPD is fairly mild, I think. No self harm. When she is relaxed she is such a lovely person to be around. She's bright, funny, sweet and supportive.

I have no issues with finding a new partner, although have zero desire or need to do so.

I've read about codependency and some of it runs true. If anything, because I had no understanding, I became tired, self esteem battered,  passive aggressive and distant from her. Which in hindsight was the worst thing possible.

Do not cut off and demand space from your BPD partner. Jesus.

So in my head I'm thinking "now that I have some understanding and willingness to learn more about my part in it, will it be worth trying one last time?"

[Grissum69]

I wouldn't do it, what doesn't kill you can only make you stronger.   Sounds like a cycle that won't stop, if you're not hurting now you will eventually will be. do you really want that? 

[looking4myself]

I wish a resource such as this one existed when I was in your position.  I so want to say that I love my husband but after 19 years, I'm not sure that he is really who I think I love.  As a matter of fact, I don't even know who he is.

I was very insecure and we broke up and got back together several times and it's always, "different year, same story". 

We have 3 children, a home and a business and I would think that at this point in my relationship, I wouldn't be wondering whether or not my husband is who he is. 

As much as I don't want to say this out loud or admit it, because of course, I would never, ever, ever trade my children in for a different experience, I probably should've walked away.

But I thought it was ok because maybe I was a little crazy, too; I had my own issues and who was I to say that his were any worse than mine?  Maybe I wasn't handling my own life correctly either so how could I judge how he lives?  It took me a long time to get over thinking like that.

The fact of the matter is that I'm nearly 40 and I am not living the life I thought I would at this point in my life; I don't have the security and comfort of being in a healthy relationship.  You might think that healthy relationships don't exist, but they do and you can be in one, too.

Trust me, it'll be a lot harder to live the next 20 years of your life in this vicious cycle of highs and lows with your BPD (and it will be the disorder with which you're involved) than to just stay apart now, when you're already broken up.

You want her to change, you see such an amazing person when things are good that you're able to ignore the things that are bad--and they're so bad that you probably shouldn't be brushing them off. 

You need to define your values to yourself and understand your boundaries no matter with whom you are in a relationship:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/values-and-boundaries

This is where I am now, but I'm in it much more deeper than you.  I wish I had the wherewithal to define my values and boundaries 19 years ago rather than sit by and allow them to be compromised.

I get that you love this person but you both need different people to find your happiness.  Never force something that doesn't fit because it'll just break.

[looking4myself]

Oh, and walking away does not make you a bad, uncaring person and staying certainly doesn't make you a good, caring person (or at least it won't for long).

[Sw2020]

She's not daft. She's said she wishes to apologise for so many things and has so many things to tell me.

How do they become such experts at knowing what to say? I said no, but an apology is something I have to hear. Will she feel guilt over her actions and need to relieve that? Or is an apology simply another tool of manipulation? Surely she won't actually mean a sorry?

I've now agreed to meet her. I know the game. I know how it plays out. Maybe I'm hooked. 

I'm obviously currently white. Black is inevitable. And yes, I know seeing her is very risky and possibly stupid. Probably stupid. Definitely stupid.

[looking4myself]

I don't think it's an issue of being daft or not; I truly believe that when the BPD says things, he/she means it when it comes out of their mouths but you need to look to the actions, not the words, to see the truth.  I know I thrived on the dysfunctional relationship to a degree and that's how I justified the BPD behavior.  Look to the future--do you want to be dealing with issues like this when you're working hard to establish a secure life and trying to raise children?  Do you want your children to have a mother that can't give them the care and love they need?  That you could potentially have to manage as if she were one of those children?  Look within for the answers; the only thing we can change is ourselves.

[maxsterling]

I love my girlfriend.  I care very deeply about her.  But being with her is toxic and damaging, and if she were to paint me black and run off, I would change my phone number, email, and change my locks.  I'd count my blessings. 

I hate to think of things that way, but dealing with a BPD is exhausting, and a sizeable chunk of my thoughts revolve around warning signs I missed and ways to get out.  And the other half of me is looking for signs she is healing and capable of moving forward.  I am also looking for signs within myself that I am no longer hurt, and that *I* can move forward, whether with her or without her. 

My advice?  Meet with her.  Listen to her apologize.  Be strong, tell her that those things she is apologizing for really hurt you to the core, and while you can forgive her, you can't move on with her romantically until she gets help for herself.  Say that you will support her in her treatment but as a friend, and if she really cares about you she will do it for herself, and not to win you back.

[Fleur2013]

Don't give in. It may feel good initially but you will slide back into your previous patterns and will live to regret it. She may get pregnant again, you might get married to her or buy a home together. Each step makes it more difficult to extricate yourself. Consider this a gift.  You may not have even questioned yourself before and just reunited. Run fast and far while you can.

Fleur

[Seneca]

Bro, i been at it for thirteen years, and if there were a clean way out of this or i could invent a time machine, i'd tell myself to run like hell and don't look back. And mine is high functioning... his rages are short lived, he's never hit me or cheat on me... . he has given me beautiful kids and a materially comfortable life.

I get it, there is something addictive about these people, and the idea of helping/ saving/ rescuing is for many of us, a drug... . or at least a strong pull or need we have. But I am telling you, people with BPD don't recover. If you truly research and understand the disease, you'll find out that these personality problems are neurological, chemical and environmental. If they are formed by early adulthood, it is too late to CHANGE. Therapy and drugs can lessen reactivity and teach them new ways to BEHAVE, but the way they think and their knee jerk reactions to certain stimulus will ALWAYS be there. With BPD all you can hope for is "manageable". There is no "cured".

Run like the wind my friend.

[Sw2020]

I did meet her.  She did say sorry for the way she's behaved.  She actually talked to me about the abortion.  After reading this site a lot, I'm not entirely sure if she is saying those things because she knows how to catch me, so to speak, or she genuinely means them.

With some understanding behind her actions, it makes the whole experience with her very different.  You really can see someone in a world of pain.  It's like she wants to be in a loving relationship more than anything, but she can't. 

I have spent time with her and did end up sleeping with her over the weekend.  She is now of course wishing to jump straight back in to a 100% relationship.  I see her need to be looked after.  I've just said that I'm happy spending time with her but that we can only see one another once or twice a week.  I partly really wish to see how she deals with things but also it is really nice spending time with her.

Now that I'm far more understanding and validating her feelings instead of JADE'ing all over the place, she has become very honest with her feelings.  She told me how she felt constantly rejected by me, never good enough and never like she was what I wanted.  None of that is of course true, but by me not arguing it or telling her she's wrong, it enabled a conversation, rather than an argument to take place.

She asked me about some girls I started following on Twitter today.  I gave my answers.  She said I was full of hit and can't be honest.  I said that I don't want her to worry or feel threatened.  That I see how hard it must be for her feeling that way. But the truth is that I don't follow them for romantic reasons whatsoever.  I also said that her telling me I'm full of s**t and can't be honest isn't something I'm prepared to take. 

She rang me 30 seconds later and was calm.  That would have escalated in to a big argument previously.

I don't see it as being possible to have a serious relationship with her, but I do really enjoy her company.  Maybe I'm playing with fire.  Who knows.  Maybe I'm in denial.  I know that if she turns around tomorrow and says she never wants to see me again, I will be okay with that. 

I'm hoping that I'm at a level of understanding that enables acceptance of the situation.