Making the Commitment

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I read the words and I understand that I have to make the commitment to stop the bleeding; I have to be the one to go first but uughhh, why?  Why must my relationship with my husband mirror that of my relationship with my 13-year old?  Why can't he be the partner I need to raise our children, build our business and manage the household that we built together?  I know it's the only choice I have right now if I want to turn around the unhealthy behavior in my house; I know that it's the best way to be an example to my children and I understand that I let this all get to this point because I didn't have clear values and limits defined to myself and I allowed those that I did have to be compromised because of my low self-esteem.  I'm sorry if I'm not supposed to post this on this board and believe you me, this is new for me but: Please God, help me let go of the anger and the hurt.  Please help me to forgive myself and my husband for letting it all get to this point.  Help me find the strength, courage and motivation to make this change, which will benefit all of us.   

[looking4myself]

I read the words and I understand that I have to make the commitment to stop the bleeding; I have to be the one to go first but uughhh, why?  Why must my relationship with my husband mirror that of my relationship with my 13-year old?  Why can't he be the partner I need to raise our children, build our business and manage the household that we built together?  I know it's the only choice I have right now if I want to turn around the unhealthy behavior in my house; I know that it's the best way to be an example to my children and I understand that I let this all get to this point because I didn't have clear values and limits defined to myself and I allowed those that I did have to be compromised because of my low self-esteem.  I'm sorry if I'm not supposed to post this on this board and believe you me, this is new for me but: Please God, help me let go of the anger and the hurt.  Please help me to forgive myself and my husband for letting it all get to this point.  Help me find the strength, courage and motivation to make this change, which will benefit all of us.   

[maxsterling]

I'm so sorry to hear you are dealing with it.  I'm there, too.  I wanted a relationship with an equal partner the same age as me.  Instead, I feel like I am managing two lives, one acting like a teenager who needs a parent more than a partner.  And the only way out for me is to make a move, make an effort, or end it.  It stinks. 

the only advice I can suggest is that you don't have to fix it all at once, small steps sometimes feel huge.

[looking4myself]

EXACTLY!  Thank you so much for your note; I'm learning that even a teeny-tiny shift in my thought process relieves the anxiety so much.

[maxsterling]

Well, that's what has kept me going.  Reminding myself that I still have some pleasures, and that I don't have to make decisions about the future of my relationship today, tomorrow, or next week.  I can always say "no", and if I decide this relationship is too much for me, that does not mean I am a bad person or a weak person.  It's still extremely difficult, but I have noticed how quickly I can recharge if I can just find a little time for myself. 

[looking4myself]

So true--all we have is right now anyway.  I recognize that I have put myself in this position because in the past, I thought I was a bad/weak person, but I try to look back and and be proud of how far I've come rather than feel badly about how much farther I have to go.  It all happens the way it's meant to happen and I think I was meant to learn something about myself from all of this.

This community helps me remember that I'm not making these things up and that I'm not crazy; I am worthy and I can be a whole person just like anyone else--as long as I make the commitment to myself.

[Seneca]

Looking, I feel the frustration oozing out of your post. I am there... . I so get it. You are right, be proud of where you are. There's more to be done, but you've gotten here so be proud. I have realized that by spending so much time learning about and managing his disorder, that I am not spending time on making MYSELF better or giving something wonderful to my kids. So long as kids have one great parent, they have a decent shot at not turning out to be losers, murders or lunatics! Do your best for them, and if that means the time comes to leave, then leave.

One day at a time.

[looking4myself]

Thank you, Seneca!

I agree, I have dedicated way too much time to him and this illness.  Time to learn about myself and be there for the kids.