Triangulation

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I had no idea what this was before I came onto this board.

My exBPDfiancee used this like it was going out of style.

There were three maybe four "groups" of friends she used this with, maybe more, the 14 years we were together.  You know, when you meet someone or go off with people and everyone's socializing, yet you feel like they know something about you or are kind of "stand-offish"? 

I always felt this way towards my ex's friends.  I always knew back in my mind that she was telling them horror stories about me, and I would ask her about it and she would always say, "we don't talk about you.  What do you think?  I go over there and you are the main topic of conversation?  I mean, the world doesn't revolve around you, Arn."

So, I chalked it up that I was the crazy one and a person who was EXTREMELY paranoid.


Towards the end, I knew it.  There was no denying or lying anymore.  I would even give her an ultimatum, them or me... . I would blame these other friends as trying to break up  our relationship when, in essence, they had nothing to do with it.  It was her who brought them into out personal lives.  So, looking back on it, what was the best way to handle Triangulation and how do you nip it in the bud? 

And do you think that the final smear campaigns are meant to make sure we don't EVER end up with anyone else?  Because that's what I feel my ex tried to do with me... .

Thanks,

Arn

[arn131arn]

I had no idea what this was before I came onto this board.

My exBPDfiancee used this like it was going out of style.

There were three maybe four "groups" of friends she used this with, maybe more, the 14 years we were together.  You know, when you meet someone or go off with people and everyone's socializing, yet you feel like they know something about you or are kind of "stand-offish"? 

I always felt this way towards my ex's friends.  I always knew back in my mind that she was telling them horror stories about me, and I would ask her about it and she would always say, "we don't talk about you.  What do you think?  I go over there and you are the main topic of conversation?  I mean, the world doesn't revolve around you, Arn."

So, I chalked it up that I was the crazy one and a person who was EXTREMELY paranoid.


Towards the end, I knew it.  There was no denying or lying anymore.  I would even give her an ultimatum, them or me... . I would blame these other friends as trying to break up  our relationship when, in essence, they had nothing to do with it.  It was her who brought them into out personal lives.  So, looking back on it, what was the best way to handle Triangulation and how do you nip it in the bud? 

And do you think that the final smear campaigns are meant to make sure we don't EVER end up with anyone else?  Because that's what I feel my ex tried to do with me... .

Thanks,

Arn

[Pretty Woman]

Hey Arn,

  Personally I think the smear campaigns are second nature to a pw BPD. It's never their fault, they can't look bad and most are pathological liars.

What I learned early on is, yeah they smear you but so what? Mutual friends that KNOW you won't believe it, and believe you me, I was smeared as a complete jacka_ _ to her family each time she dumped me... .

and then SHE came back.

Their family is likely going to support them and cover up their tracks but don't for one second think they don't know their loved one has a issue.

Don't let it preoccupy your precious time my friend. It's what they do and there is nothing you can do to stop it.

Another thing is this... .

BPD's can triangulate with just about anyone... . including a new pet, a child, a neighbor... . people you may never know or meet.

[bpdspell]

I had no idea what this was before I came onto this board.

I didn't know what Triangulation was either before I came to BPD family.

And do you think that the final smear campaigns are meant to make sure we don't EVER end up with anyone else?  Because that's what I feel my ex tried to do with me…

The Campaigns smears are intended to deflect and absolve themselves from accountability in regards to their actions and how they treat others. In other words…better to make you look like the flawed buy guy than own up to their shortcomings. It's pure deflection because they're stunted BPD/ Narcissistic minds cannot bear the thought of being the bad guy. In their minds they NEED to be the victim in order to survive.

Bear in mind they do not have the power to ensure that you end up with no one else. Their lies hardly ever stick because eventually people see behind their mentally ill mask.

I was smeared by the ex too and it hurts to actualize the depths of their pathological neurosis. But you needn't worry about anyone who believes their brand of lies. As long as you know the truth about yourself is all that really matters and all that you have control of.

Spell

[arn131arn]

Everyone says to not worry about it.  But it DID involve trumped up charges of DV, as well as, her telling everyone I was abusive.

A boyfriend of one of her Triangulation friends told me so, and he is on to her, and knows she is full of s**t; but I don't think it's fair she is trying to ruin my reputation.

As if this won't have an impact on our child, you know?

[bpdspell]

Arn,

I understand your anger and I know you're pissed and yes their lies can cause harm and damage but you have no power over what comes out of your ex's mouth. None what so ever. Your best offense is standing firm in who you are and not being on the defense. Silence is your best offense because their lies usually come out in the wash.

Did I want to shove a sock and a bar of soap in my ex's mouth? Sure. He painted me black and wanted to destroy me for ending the abuse. Most breakup's with BPD's are hardly amicable. Disentanglements with them are generally nasty and filled with boundary busting. They are children who are hell bent on winning.

My ex told everyone of our sexual exploits and things we shared intimately. Talk about humiliation. I was devastated. During our relationship a couple of times he asked that we videotaped our lovemaking. Thank God I refused. I would have been the laughing stock of our neighborhood. I was deeply ashamed, embarrassed and didn't even want to leave my apartment. The glares and stares made me want to slit my wrist. After all I trusted this person with my heart. He was a man who I believed would never cut me that deep. After 10 months of being together and I love you's he painted an image of me being the neighborhood slut.

It took months before I could hold my head up high again. Now everyone knows the truth of my ex and he is hated by many people.

The best thing you can do about your ex is keep her out of your life as much as possible. Give her boundaries and share nothing with her except when it's related to your daughter.

Spell

[arn131arn]

Thanks, Spell.  I am not angry, I guess I can't look certain people in the eye bc I am scared what it is they are thinking about me, and I guess, it's none of my business.

[arn131arn]

It was almost a cycle of abuse at the end there. After a silent treatment of six months, I would play on her fear of abandonment and tell her to get out of the house. I said some very mean things and started fighting back... . so I know I had my part. Not innocent at all