Newly minted single parent

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hello All,

I am now a single parent after my stbxBPDh assaulted me for the last time and after I was granted sole custody of my D (4) with a RO against father there is currently no visitation. I had to fight him for custody initially because he and his wealthy parents got to the court ex parte and convinced a judge that it was a verbal argument not DV and that was why there was a RO for D and myself. So his parents ended up with physical custody. Now, I have sole legal and physical custody, but am struggling a bit in this new role.

Firstly, I was ill for a few months leading up to this DV incident and GPs had D because H was unable to care for me and D. I fought for nearly a month to regain custody after the ex parte order. Secondly, my daughter is normally in preschool, however, since she was with GPs and they had ultimate control they did not keep her in preschool for the winter intersession (she goes to a preschool within the local college), so we may have 3 more weeks before she is able to settle into a routine again. I am trying to see if the school can get her in for the remainder of the winter intersession and advised my in-laws to contact the school revoking their previous orders (ie. I am not allowed at the school, to pick up, ect.) because the courts have been closed since the day of our court proceedings just before XMAS, so the orders have not been signed off on by the judge. Thirdly, I am not sure whether my in-laws allowed her to get away with whatever (as they did with their own children) or if my little one is just trying to test boundaries with me, but I am having frequent meltdowns over things like getting her own salad bar plate at a restuarant or getting a bath before putting on brand new jammies.

I love my daughter desperately, but am struggling with being a single parent and no support network as my H kept my isolated except for his family and friends all of which have turned on me for getting him "in trouble", I need support of my own and a little downtime for me to recover from everything, but with tantrums keeping her bedtime routine going for hours this is increasingly difficult. Anyone have any advice on how to meet my daughters needs while having some "me" time to process everything would be greatly appreciated.

[overwhelmedandconfused]

Hello All,

I am now a single parent after my stbxBPDh assaulted me for the last time and after I was granted sole custody of my D (4) with a RO against father there is currently no visitation. I had to fight him for custody initially because he and his wealthy parents got to the court ex parte and convinced a judge that it was a verbal argument not DV and that was why there was a RO for D and myself. So his parents ended up with physical custody. Now, I have sole legal and physical custody, but am struggling a bit in this new role.

Firstly, I was ill for a few months leading up to this DV incident and GPs had D because H was unable to care for me and D. I fought for nearly a month to regain custody after the ex parte order. Secondly, my daughter is normally in preschool, however, since she was with GPs and they had ultimate control they did not keep her in preschool for the winter intersession (she goes to a preschool within the local college), so we may have 3 more weeks before she is able to settle into a routine again. I am trying to see if the school can get her in for the remainder of the winter intersession and advised my in-laws to contact the school revoking their previous orders (ie. I am not allowed at the school, to pick up, ect.) because the courts have been closed since the day of our court proceedings just before XMAS, so the orders have not been signed off on by the judge. Thirdly, I am not sure whether my in-laws allowed her to get away with whatever (as they did with their own children) or if my little one is just trying to test boundaries with me, but I am having frequent meltdowns over things like getting her own salad bar plate at a restuarant or getting a bath before putting on brand new jammies.

I love my daughter desperately, but am struggling with being a single parent and no support network as my H kept my isolated except for his family and friends all of which have turned on me for getting him "in trouble", I need support of my own and a little downtime for me to recover from everything, but with tantrums keeping her bedtime routine going for hours this is increasingly difficult. Anyone have any advice on how to meet my daughters needs while having some "me" time to process everything would be greatly appreciated.

[livednlearned]

My son had meltdowns too after I left N/BPDx (he was 9). After a rough transition and lots of confusion, it's understandable. At any age, no matter whether they are 3, 9 or 15, the best way to manage a meltdown is to use validation techniques. There's a bunch of stuff on bpdfamily about it, but I used a book called the Power of Validation (for parents) to help. It's a bit counter-intuitive, so it helps to have the technique detailed in a book length format. A lot of people think that validation means letting your kid do whatever she wants, but it isn't. It's about validating how she feels. "I can see from the way you are kicking your legs in the air and scrunching your fists that you are very angry about taking a bath. Do you feel angry right now?" Then let her tell you how she feels so she can de-escalate. Kids tend to escalate their feelings when they don't feel heard. And parents, grandparents, teachers tend to invalidate kids all the time. Once she feels heard, and begins to wind down, you can reason with her. "How about be snuggle for 5 minutes right now and read this book about Charlie Bear having a bath. When we're done, you can help me turn on the faucet and pick out which toys you want with you in the tub."

I used it on my son and it was like the heavens open and dropped a miracle in my hands. My son is a very sensitive guy, but not exactly expressive when stuff is bugging him, so his feelings tended to cycle between stuffing and flooding. I always felt like his outburts hit out of nowhere and were so big it was hard to help soothe or redirect him. Validation was the only thing that helped me work with him. I've had to learn that he's a pretty sensitive guy and needs to feel heard. Now I use it in all areas of my life. It doesn't solve everything, but it's one of the best parenting tools I have, and it's helped create an emotional bond between my son and I that other parent friends don't seem to have with their kids.

Here's a book review of Power of Validation: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=166930.0

[Matt]

All four of my kids - then 8, 10, 17 and 29 - acted out for a week or two when my wife and I separated (unexpectedly).  All in different ways.

My youngest threw huge, extended fits.  I didn't know how to deal with it, but found that a method kind of like what LnL is describing - except I didn't know there were resources like bpdfamily.com and the book LnL mentions, so I was kind of making it up out of trial-and-error.

It will take time and patience, for sure.  You'll need to be committed to staying with it, however long it takes.

It sounds like you already see the importance of establishing a routine - a "new normal" - after this chaotic time.  Getting to a pretty steady schedule will help both you and your daughter a lot.

If you can get all your stuff done, so when your daughter finally goes to sleep, your time will be yours, to sleep or read or whatever, that will help.  Maybe you can find somebody to watch her once in a while so you can take a break;  are there other single parents where she goes to school, for example?

It will get easier, but not right away... .

[momtara]

First, breathe.  You have been through a lot!  And now realize that a battle for sole custody sometimes goes on for years, so as hard as you have it, it could be way worse.  Most of us have to deal with our H's crappy behavior constantly.  I know this all happened fast and you must be totally exhausted, emotionally and physically. 

Try not to worry about the people who blame you - you will meet lots of sympathetic people in the future and make new friends.  Maybe go to a local single parents meetup, talk to more of the moms in your D's school, etc.  Friendships come slowly in adulthood, but they happen.  Maybe once you have more friendships with local moms or single parents, you can do some playdates to give each other a break. 

Or maybe get a mother's helper to come in just even a few hours a month - so you can still be there, but get a little downtime for a nap, a bath or some reading?

[overwhelmedandconfused]

So I have started being more concious of validating her feelings. I am also being more active with her than we ever used to be. We are settling into a new routine and normal. There have also been some tough discussions about us, her father, our future and even if daddy will live with us again. I have us both in counseling to best address these things and her counselor is advising me on how to deal with the tough questions at an age appropriate level. I have started her with a chore chart, which at this point is just reinforcing our new routines (ie. brushing teeth, taking a bath without argument, going to bed on time, ect.), so far (4 days) it seems to be helping. She is melting down much less and her overall demeanor is happy and relaxed for the most part and when she does meltdown it takes a much shorter time to calm down. All in all I think we have fared pretty well considering the months and abrupt changes we have been through.

The GPs have only seen her once since the hearing on XMAS, have called her once and are essentially trying to get her to go to the country club with them, something she is refusing to do. Just goes to show that they want visitation that is convenient to them and not always what is in her best interests (they parade her around and she keeps telling them it is too much for her, she also stated that that was in the past and that it was time to move forward). I am so proud of her for explaining herself with wisdom beyond her years when she is talking to them on the phone, I have never heard another 4 year old speak so openly, honestly and express themselves more clearly than she.

I am currently focusing on the next chapter of this book, my attorney is preparing a petition to relocate to present to the court and with my H having no parental rights at this point and the GPs not taking her for visitation, the judge may likely grant the petition, especially since it is the DSS workers recommendation that I leave the area if I so desire. The only reason I am here is that I attended a very good university which brought me here and while working a job, I met H, so I am not connected here in any other way. My H made sure to isolate me so no real contacts outside of his family and friends. The judge made it clear in court that I needed to remain here temporarily and that I could petition to leave and he left it open that he would likely allow me to move. So hopeful, but prepared to be in this for the long haul if needed (ie. counselors, YMCA, joined the local children's museum, looking for work through temp agencies, and looking at more affordable housing).

All in all it is a much better life for both of us than it ever was with my having to essentially raise H and ignore D in the past. She is my focus, but she is also learning that she does not dictate my schedule or life and that there are times where I need to focus on other things than her wants (ie. she must wait 15 minutes for me to help her with an art project while I finish paying the bills or take an important phone call).

We are adjusting decently, but does anyone have any suggestions as to how to get her to calm at night? Every night we do a bedtime routine that is exactly the same, but once the light is out and it is time to settle she cries and tells me she is scared. However, it is not constant, as long as she can talk about something interesting to her she is fine, but the second I insist she lay quietly she will start crying and telling me she is scared. I have tried validation, reassurance, a calming back rub, rubbing her head, snuggling in close, even ignoring and walking out of the room (the latter two after over an hour of tryng to get her to settle). She was a two year breastfed co-sleeper, and before my illness had her own bed in my room, which remains the case, so it is not as if she is alone all night. I have also provided a night light that she controls and she has a pillow that lights up that her father bought her. So this is where I am still at a loss. Has anyone else gone through this, how long does it last, and is it uncertainty or real fear or something else keeping her from getting to sleep, she is tired at bed, but just will not settle. I am at a loss.

[livednlearned]

We are adjusting decently, but does anyone have any suggestions as to how to get her to calm at night? Every night we do a bedtime routine that is exactly the same, but once the light is out and it is time to settle she cries and tells me she is scared. However, it is not constant, as long as she can talk about something interesting to her she is fine, but the second I insist she lay quietly she will start crying and telling me she is scared. I have tried validation, reassurance, a calming back rub, rubbing her head, snuggling in close, even ignoring and walking out of the room (the latter two after over an hour of tryng to get her to settle). She was a two year breastfed co-sleeper, and before my illness had her own bed in my room, which remains the case, so it is not as if she is alone all night. I have also provided a night light that she controls and she has a pillow that lights up that her father bought her. So this is where I am still at a loss. Has anyone else gone through this, how long does it last, and is it uncertainty or real fear or something else keeping her from getting to sleep, she is tired at bed, but just will not settle. I am at a loss.

After such a close bond, to abruptly be taken from your mama, especially at that age -- she might be reverting to an early developmental stage whenever she experiences separation from you. Ask your counselor about how to phase this, so you don't feel like you have to get it right immediately, but over time, as she begins to realize that you aren't going anywhere.

One thing I learned with S12 is that I had to meet him at his emotional state, and then slowly work from there. When kids go through traumatic experiences (like being separated from you, witnessing abuse), they aren't always in the same place developmentally as other kids their age. Something I had to do with my son, and still do, is to focus on his resilience. "You were very nervous about doing xyz, and then it happened, and I see now how happy you look, you're running around in a great mood and cracking jokes."

In the morning after she falls asleep, maybe it would help your D if you pointed out how she was scared, but then she fell asleep and everything was ok. You slept in your bed, she slept in her bed like a big girl, and then in the morning, you both woke up and she looked calm and rested and ready for a big day. The alternative is to tell her that you are there to protect her, which makes her even more afraid to be separated from you -- she may need to know that she can self soothe in healthy ways, even when her mama isn't there.

[GaGrl]

What worked for my son at bedtime was, of course, the routine... . but when I added a small (5-gallon) fish tank with a couple of orandas, and left the light on in the tank when I left the room, he really focused on watching the fish until he fell asleep.