A Little More T Input On X

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I thought I'd throw out some tidbits from my session today vis-a-vis my Ex and her behaviors. Some of it at the end ties into some recent comments regarding how we deal with this... .

We talked about my concerns with her paramour, and he offered that she seemed like she was good at compartmentalizing her life. I said that this was the case, and I know things she's never shared with her family either, before she met me. He said it was ok for me to communicate to her that she was good at this, and that I hoped that she would keep it separate from our kids. There is nothing legally I can do about that, but it might be something she would consider.

We than talked about the compartmentalization, or dis-integration of her personality. I told him about her growing up in a household with violence, though it waned by her late teen years, not to mention her talking about having her childhood robbed, because she never felt she could be a kid. Too much responsibility for the siblings. Leaving aside the whole attachment issues with her father (and possibly some with her mother), he said that if she grew up never feeling it was "safe" be be herself, then she never formed that secure identity. I think this goes into how she feels she defines herself by her roles to other people (lose that external object, and you lose part of yourself, hence her "losing" my affection, and she goes out to have the teen romance to feel whole again).

Early 30s, and she may never grow up. he then said that I will have to deal with her for many years because of our young children, and that at some point, I should accept that she is who she is. Like what he told me in the beginning two months ago; personalities don't change. My anger is over me wanting her to be an adult (among other things), but she is incapable of it, so I need to accept that. She isn't who I _expected_ her to be.

In other news... . her sis posted some video on FB about a guy singing that the grass isn't always greener. I listed to the first minute of the song and the crooner talked about after two years getting the texts, emails, phone calls by the woman who discarded him. I appreciated it, because I think it was aimed at my X. I block her, but I resisted the urge to comment anyway. It felt good that I am not the only one who sees this insanity, even in a family which doesn't really talk about such things.

[Turkish]

I thought I'd throw out some tidbits from my session today vis-a-vis my Ex and her behaviors. Some of it at the end ties into some recent comments regarding how we deal with this... .

We talked about my concerns with her paramour, and he offered that she seemed like she was good at compartmentalizing her life. I said that this was the case, and I know things she's never shared with her family either, before she met me. He said it was ok for me to communicate to her that she was good at this, and that I hoped that she would keep it separate from our kids. There is nothing legally I can do about that, but it might be something she would consider.

We than talked about the compartmentalization, or dis-integration of her personality. I told him about her growing up in a household with violence, though it waned by her late teen years, not to mention her talking about having her childhood robbed, because she never felt she could be a kid. Too much responsibility for the siblings. Leaving aside the whole attachment issues with her father (and possibly some with her mother), he said that if she grew up never feeling it was "safe" be be herself, then she never formed that secure identity. I think this goes into how she feels she defines herself by her roles to other people (lose that external object, and you lose part of yourself, hence her "losing" my affection, and she goes out to have the teen romance to feel whole again).

Early 30s, and she may never grow up. he then said that I will have to deal with her for many years because of our young children, and that at some point, I should accept that she is who she is. Like what he told me in the beginning two months ago; personalities don't change. My anger is over me wanting her to be an adult (among other things), but she is incapable of it, so I need to accept that. She isn't who I _expected_ her to be.

In other news... . her sis posted some video on FB about a guy singing that the grass isn't always greener. I listed to the first minute of the song and the crooner talked about after two years getting the texts, emails, phone calls by the woman who discarded him. I appreciated it, because I think it was aimed at my X. I block her, but I resisted the urge to comment anyway. It felt good that I am not the only one who sees this insanity, even in a family which doesn't really talk about such things.

[TakingWingAtLast]

Turkish,

Looks like you had a good session with the T.   Good to hear.   And it's probably true that you will have to deal with what you have to deal with for many years.   I'm so sorry for that, but you've figured a lot out and will deal with it.

I wouldn't bet that her sister was trying to telegraph anything to you.  Siblings of pwBPD are likely to have similar issues.  But I hope you're right!  Validation from any source is always welcome.

Here's to you working through some major stuff!

Best,

D

[Turkish]

Turkish,

Looks like you had a good session with the T.   Good to hear.   And it's probably true that you will have to deal with what you have to deal with for many years.   I'm so sorry for that, but you've figured a lot out and will deal with it.

I wouldn't bet that her sister was trying to telegraph anything to you.  Siblings of pwBPD are likely to have similar issues.  But I hope you're right!  Validation from any source is always welcome.

Here's to you working through some major stuff!

Best,

D

She did have similar issues,  but not the rages that I ever could see.  She is a little younger.  the three older siblings,  having witnessed the most trauma,  have the most issues.  middle two seen OK.  For all I know she could have been sending a message to her own fiancee.  he's not on FB  much that I can tell though.