Can we talk about the abuse for a second?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I've been struggling with this... . I think you all know I left my uxhwBPD because he was verbally and emotionally abusive.

My first therapist said to me that it would get worse if I stayed with him.

That's why I had no faith in marriage counseling, especially after our second session where x blamed me for all of our problems. It was basically a "bash" L session, I didn't even get a moment to respond. It was clear that he had prepared for confrontation, and I was his enemy. I have regrets about not going to more counseling with him, and it is bothering me.

But here's my question.

Would the abuse have gotten worse? Would he have hit me?

Here are some examples of what I went through... .

Following me from room to room screaming at me.

Flipping me off in front of my children, yelling at me in front of my children.

Holding me and not letting me leave until I "listened to him". Basically forcing me to talk to him when I did not want to.

During sex, he would occasionally hurt me and I would say "ouch". He said that turned him on.

Calling first my work phone, then my cell phone, and then emailing me while I was at work and could not respond immediately.

Threatening to take all the money out of our joint account.

Threatening to just "up and leave" me one day.

Telling me I was disrespecting him when I did not agree or do what he wanted me to do.

Reading my online viewing history, spying on me, breaking into my phone and laptop.

He once yelled at me for 13 hours straight, and at the end I said anything he wanted me to say, like that I was a c&nt and a wh&re. I just wanted him to stop.

He also forwarded emails between he and I (our final arguement) to my parents. He said he wanted them to "judge" me as he had been judged. Sigh... . so ridiculous.

Thanks,

L

[love4meNOTu]

I've been struggling with this... . I think you all know I left my uxhwBPD because he was verbally and emotionally abusive.

My first therapist said to me that it would get worse if I stayed with him.

That's why I had no faith in marriage counseling, especially after our second session where x blamed me for all of our problems. It was basically a "bash" L session, I didn't even get a moment to respond. It was clear that he had prepared for confrontation, and I was his enemy. I have regrets about not going to more counseling with him, and it is bothering me.

But here's my question.

Would the abuse have gotten worse? Would he have hit me?

Here are some examples of what I went through... .

Following me from room to room screaming at me.

Flipping me off in front of my children, yelling at me in front of my children.

Holding me and not letting me leave until I "listened to him". Basically forcing me to talk to him when I did not want to.

During sex, he would occasionally hurt me and I would say "ouch". He said that turned him on.

Calling first my work phone, then my cell phone, and then emailing me while I was at work and could not respond immediately.

Threatening to take all the money out of our joint account.

Threatening to just "up and leave" me one day.

Telling me I was disrespecting him when I did not agree or do what he wanted me to do.

Reading my online viewing history, spying on me, breaking into my phone and laptop.

He once yelled at me for 13 hours straight, and at the end I said anything he wanted me to say, like that I was a c&nt and a wh&re. I just wanted him to stop.

He also forwarded emails between he and I (our final arguement) to my parents. He said he wanted them to "judge" me as he had been judged. Sigh... . so ridiculous.

Thanks,

L

[fromheeltoheal]

I don't know if he would have hit you or not, but your list is definitely of abusive actions; of course there's emotional, psychological and physical abuse, physical probably being the easiest to define.  There's also disrespect, and there's a line between garden variety disrespect and abuse, hard to define sometimes.  And then there are the hurts and arguments that go on in any relationship; do they cross the line?  Guess you had to be there, but to me it's a matter of trust and respect, mutually, and if one or both of them disappears and whomever doesn't stand up for themselves, the other one will tend to continue.

There didn't seem to be any limit to how far my ex would go.  She was only physically abusive to me a couple of times, punched the crap out of me and hit me in the face; I'm twice as big as she is and it didn't really hurt, and I think she got the hint that she better not push that to the point I snap.  The emotional, psychological mindfck abuse was much worse though, the continuous carefully placed comments, the subtle goading, the insinuations, almost seemed like a plot to intentionally destroy me.  The rages, although loud and impassioned, were much more straightforward and were signs of her cracking, much easier to deal with than the insidious commentary when she was in control.

[Perfidy]

My crazy psycho bit€h with BPD abused the fu€k out of me for years before I finally snapped and slapped her across the face. I have the patience of a saint. I'm kind caring love able a good father hard worker and an all around exceptional human being and I let her drag me to a level that I didn't even know existed. Sorry mods.

[love4meNOTu]

No, no perfidy. I understand.

I pushed my x away with my feet one time when he was screaming at me while I was trying to get away from him on the bed.

He said he would call the police because I had abused him.

I understand.

What amazes me more is that you are both men, abused by women. I am so sorry that happened to you, no one deserves that.

[Perfidy]

Touched a major nerve there. I have to do things that I can live with. I don't have to live with her. I do have to live with myself.

[Waifed]

I have never seen abuse like I experienced by my exBPDgf. It was emotional and psychological. She meticulously sucked the life out of me until I lay in bed for 3 months recovering from depression. All the while I was madly in love with her.

[Perfidy]

She spit on me. Hit me. Punched me. Slapped me. Threw things at me. Talk about a core defect. Look at me! I took it! No more.

[Perfidy]

Right waifed... . In the name of love. what the heck

[love4meNOTu]

Touched a major nerve there. I have to do things that I can live with. I don't have to live with her. I do have to live with myself.

Perfidy, you put up with abuse for over 8 years.

I barely made it to 2. I couldn't handle it. It's done a number on me... .

I get it.

Waifed... . I'm so sorry. I wish that none of us had to go through that.

Hugs,

L

[Perfidy]

Geeze I'm sorry

[Perfidy]

Tears

[MrConfused]

My crazy psycho bit€h with BPD abused the fu€k out of me for years before I finally snapped and slapped her across the face. I have the patience of a saint. I'm kind caring love able a good father hard worker and an all around exceptional human being and I let her drag me to a level that I didn't even know existed. Sorry mods.

I never ever hit mine but I know exactly what you mean. I've never EVER had a friendship/relationship end the way it did with my ex & I felt like a man possessed during the arguments we had at the end. It's took me a long, long time to come to terms with the way I reacted, I truly felt like a woman abuser. Even now, I struggle with it but I keep telling myself that I've never reacted that way before with anyone & whist maybe I should have kept my cool or walked away sooner I was under such emotional stress I just couldn't cope.

My T & friends have said there was no way in hell anyone could have put up with the torment I took for so long and not snapped somehow. Time & time again I put up with her moods and responded only with love & comfort, only to get it thrown back in my face a few days later.

I even told her this at the very end. I told her that it felt like she kept winding me up over and over on purpose to make me react the way I did, so she'd have justification to paint me black and run away. The scary thing is I should have realised this from the way she described her ex's to me, all women abusers (that never hit her) & people that wanted more from her. I realise now that they probably snapped like I did.

[MrConfused]

I do have to live with myself.

Yup... . & that's the hardest part. Forgiving yourself. Part of why I've kept trying to apologise to my ex (not that she cares) is because I wanted her to accept the way she treat me was wrong. My T said that I was really just wanting her to say sorry and I'll never get that from her as she's not emotionally able to accept her part in it.

[Perfidy]

First time I've cried in months

[love4meNOTu]

Yes, my xhwBPD said that his previous wife had abused him. I'm sure she snapped. My x is vicious.

And now, everything that was said to me during our relationship is questioned. I'm not sure I believe any of it anymore.

That in itself is freeing.

Perfidy... . this hug is for you.

God bless,

L

[MrConfused]

First time I've cried in months

You are not alone in this. I've cried harder than I ever thought possible over this. I don't think I'll ever fully forgive myself & for a long time I felt like I deserved nothing from anyone. Any defence I came up with made me sound even more like an abuser.

It's wrong that they do this & get away with it.

[love4meNOTu]

MrConfused-

They don't get away with it.

Violence begets violence.

That's not love, in any way, shape or form. They will never know the true meaning.

[Perfidy]

This is a big issue for me. The abuse. I don't like to talk about it because of the emotion and feeling. Pain. It HURTS. It always hurts and will never stop hurting.

[MrConfused]

Yeah I know... . Mine is convinced that she'll only be happy in relationships with women now, as they don't "abuse" her apparently. (She told me this) I told her that she can believe that if she wants, in the end she'll be the one unhappy.

This is of course, whist she had an active match.com account setup looking for men. What a mindscrew.

[MrConfused]

This is a big issue for me. The abuse. I don't like to talk about it because of the emotion and feeling. Pain. It HURTS. It always hurts and will never stop hurting.

It hurts as long as you allow it to hurt. Have you had relationships since with women? Have you reacted in the same way to disagreements/arguments? I'd bet that you haven't.

[love4meNOTu]

Perfidy-

Let me try to reframe this for you.

Let's say that I was crying because you had said something hurtful to me.

Would you hold me down so I couldn't get away from you so you could continue to verbally abuse me?

Nope, that's right. I didn't think so.

Not your fault. Defending yourself is a right, and you did so. When backed into a corner, we will strike back.

MrConfused has it right.

[Perfidy]

No. I've dated. I'm not relationship material. I'm developing a relationship with my self. There is a girl... Way younger... I sure think the world of her

[Perfidy]

She did the countdown with me New Years... . Her idea. Fricking 25 years younger! No.

[love4meNOTu]

No. I've dated. I'm not relationship material. I'm developing a relationship with my self. There is a girl... Way younger... I sure think the world of her

NEVER SAY NEVER PERFIDY  

I keep saying I'm never gonna fall in love again... . but you know something, I will. Because I am loving and I know how to love. I don't know what life is going to bring me, neither do you.

[Perfidy]

I will not be dragged to that level again. NO! enough is enough. When I can learn to say that I might consider it. Until then I'm learning to be happy with myself.

[MrConfused]

Then go for it. I forced myself out on a date tonight that I would have never ever done before & it was like a splash of cold water. I wasn't walking on eggshells the entire night, I didn't get home and worry about what I'd done to upset her & get me ignored for days.

Will my new relationship go anywhere? I don't know. Has it helped me feel normal again? Heck yes. It was one bizarre feeling to be with someone who truly wanted to be there rather than someone who had no issues with screwing me around over and over for dates, but would panic if I called her out on it.

If this new girl wanted to go to the countdown with you & followed through with it then she wants to be with you. Don't become your ex & refuse her out of fear of hurting her/how it could end badly.

[Perfidy]

She's 27. I'm 52. No

[Perfidy]

I'm in excellent physical shape. She is stone fox. Man... the perfect storm.

[stormcrow]

But here's my question.

Would the abuse have gotten worse? Would he have hit me?

No one can know the future, but the odds that your therapist was wrong are slim.  I can say that, from my experience with my uexBPDgf, that it could have very well led to that.  The last argument that I had with her, I could tell that she wanted to get violent.  It was written on her face as clearly as the words are on this page. She took my phone with the intention of destroying it and headed out the door.  Luckily she had forgotten her own on the sofa and I held it up and whistled to show her.  Afterward she slammed the lid of my laptop closed as I tried to find a flight home online.  Each and every time I thought her behavior could get no worse, it did.  Using all of that evidence as example, I honestly believe that with these PDed people, there is no limit to what they are capable of... . emotionally or physically.  

[Perfidy]

Sorry ... . Absolutely. I'm glad you didn't stick around to find out. I stayed way too long. Yes. It got physical. Many times. Of course it started verbally. It escalated to the point where no one ever wants to go. Sanity did not prevail.