Just broke up with dBPDbf, feeling terrible

[coffeespoons]

Hi all --

I've posted seldom here, and originally wanted to stay.

I couldn't do it once he lied to my face repeatedly about maintaining an online dating account to meet women (we're both men) to "talk to," which I'm not sure I believe anymore. He also woke me up at 4 in the morning the day after I got back from a week with my difficult family of origin to tell me I hadn't been enthusiastic enough to see him. I could not deal with this any longer - I've been harangued and lied to and devalued for so long.

Finally, I broke up with him this evening. I did it over the phone, as previous attempts have dissolved into him crying in my lap and me losing my resolve.

He told me to go f*** myself, and I hung up. I've received a series of voice mails and text messages that range from angry to devastated (apparently). I don't know what to do. I don't think I should reply, but this is breaking my heart. I also don't know whether he is safe - he is at high risk for suicide attempts, and has made plenty before. I'm not doing well and I don't know how to proceed.

I know the breakup was the right thing to do, but how do I handle how terrible I feel?

[stormcrow]

Good evening Coffespoons.  Welcome aboard.  I am truly very sorry to hear that you have suffered this pain tonight.  I am sure there is not much consolation in knowing that you made the right choice for you.  All of us here seem to put ourselves last in these relationships.  But, maybe you can find some consolation in knowing that you made the right choice for him.  It may not seem like it at all right now.  Especially when worrying for his physical safety.  But, know that you did make the right choice for him.  And for yourself.  You cannot give him happiness.  That is not within your power.  But, by letting him go, you have potentially opened the door for him to find healing.  We are all triggers for our pwBPD.  And triggering them is not good.  I had to realize this within myself - my love for my ex caused her pain - that is never what I wanted for her.  If you can see it that way, maybe you can find some sort of solace.  Small as it may be.

[coffeespoons]

But, by letting him go, you have potentially opened the door for him to find healing.

This is what I hope for more than anything else.

[TakingWingAtLast]

Coffeespoons,

When you first start the actual separation from someone with BPD, you can expect the entire range of responses from devaluing, to abuse, to reengagement language, to just about anything.   You are particularly at risk for the "suicide call" (which I have experienced many times myself).  

In order to move on, you'll need to develop support.  Luckily, you have already gotten on this website! So you already have support from a lot of people!   Get a good therapist and see her as much as you can especially initially.   She can help guide you through the grieving process:  anger, denial, depression, bargaining and acceptance.  You'll experience ALL of these in no particularly order and they can be quite painful.   The worst part is that you will likely be sleep deprived as well.  :)evelop a routine for going to sleep each night.  

I can only tell you what I did and others will tell you different things.  It's also different for me because the r/s was ended by the pwBPDgf, but honestly I don't believe that really matters much.  I was devastated by the loss.  I was depressed for at least three solid weeks with my personal productivity extremely low at work.  I made sure that I was working toward something new that I expected to be in my new life at all times.  And I did not respond to the hateful, devaluing, and reengaging texts that I received, EVER.   I made a mistake with one phone call because I wasn't paying attention.  And I did NOT paint her black, that is, I didn't say horrible things about her (as she did me), except on this website.  Take the high road when your bfBPD paints you black and don't stoop down.  I have discovered that when my expwBPDgf outed me as a bisexual at a party, the other guests were actually mad at her!  

Eat well and exercise!   I know that may sound trite, but its absolutely the best way to stave off the depression.  Personally, for reasons beyond the scope of this forum, I recommend the Paleo Diet.  If you want to know more about that, then message me.   I now run up to 6 miles a day at least three times a week.  It really helps push back the depression.

It will take enormous courage as you work through some very odd emotions.  You want to reengage, yet you know it's a really bad idea.   You'll miss him horribly, but you'll also be at peace and free.  You'll have a terrible void in your mind because there is no drama that you have to deal with, yet you'll crave the drama nonetheless.   As you can see, you're going to have a lot of mixed emotions!  And they will certainly be ambivalent!  

Yet, you really need to choose freedom every time.  Though your heart will say to talk to him, your brain will say "bad idea".  Go with your brain!  Try to remember the painful things when he wants to reengage.   Use your anger to keep your boundaries safe.   Realize that bargaining is fruitless as your ex is not truly dealing with reality.   Use you natural gift for service to other humans and give it to yourself.  You need that!

If you receive a suicide note, this will be a severe test.   Make a plan for what you will do.   You have a lot of options.  You could call his Mom or a close family member and alert them.   You can actually call the police and tell them that you received a suicide notice and they will take care of it.  What you can't do, I'm sorry to say, is respond directly.   And this too will hurt.

You will be working through a lot of pain to become truly free.  Try to stick to limited contact or no contact.   It will be hard, but you can do it!

I wish you all the best.  I'm only 7 weeks into my loss, so I'm still hurting.  I stuggle with Friday nights and Saturdays.  So I find myself on here, like many, on such nights because we support each other in that way as well.

Needless to say, I'm sure!  Be well.  We got your bck

[free-n-clear]

  You've made the best choice, coffee. It'll be painful for a while, but ultimately it would've been more painful to stay. We can't help pwBPD by being there for them, because genuinely caring about them is one of the things that triggers them. There's heaps of resources here to help you through this tough time. At the top of the "leaving" board, you'll see SUGGESTED READING. Have a look, you're sure to find lots of helpful information there.

[MrConfused]

I couldn't do it once he lied to my face repeatedly about maintaining an online dating account to meet women (we're both men) to "talk to," which I'm not sure I believe anymore

I couldn't believe mine about her online dating account either. Towards the end she did her best to keep hold of me in some way by telling me she was a lesbian. Fine I thought, I can deal with that, heck maybe even help her. (Not worried about what it was doing to me, I just didn't want to lose her) Yet... Her match.com account looking for men stayed active for weeks after & it drove me nuts. Like you, I couldn't help but felt like I was being lied to.

So you did nothing wrong by ending it with him. If he threatens suicide, then that's emotional blackmail. If you feel like he's going to go through with it, call the police & don't respond to it. You are *not* to blame for it.

This is what I hope for more than anything else.

I wish this on mine as well, but at the same time I feel sad that she won't find healing with me. You'll feel the same but there's nothing you can do for them. There comes a time when you have to realise you did everything you could and it still wasn't good enough. That's not your fault at all.

[coffeespoons]

Thank you all!

I do have a therapist at this time, as I'm in recovery from my own stuff (nearly 2 years of solid recovery from anorexia). I think without my therapist, who is the best, I wouldn't have had the courage to make this decision. Definitely talking with her through this whole process.

Thank you for the suggestions on contact, and on ways to cope.

I think what I need to do is keep myself well, and tackle the reasons I chose to involve myself in this relationship when I'm able to do that. Has anyone found that helpful? It seems like it will be painful but necessary.

Again, thank you all. 

[MrConfused]

I think what I need to do is keep myself well, and tackle the reasons I chose to involve myself in this relationship when I'm able to do that. Has anyone found that helpful? It seems like it will be painful but necessary.

Yes. There's a reason we let ourselves get involved in these relationships, we have our own issues that need to be dealt with. We seem to be ok with putting more into a relationship than we get out of it & thinking we can fix other people. We shouldn't accept this as a healthy relationship has two people putting 50/50 into it (or close to) and any issues that need "Fixing" are dealt with equally (or by the person affected)

[coffeespoons]

Thanks MrConfused for your reply. What you describe is exactly what I was doing for the whole relationship, which is a sobering thought.

Today is no better - I feel like I should have tried harder, or given him room to argue my decision, or I should have picked up when he called, or something. Late at night, he texted "I will miss your friendship so much."

I let his mom know he may need extra support, and her reply was "Has my sister contacted you? What's going on?" This makes me afraid something has happened and I don't know about it yet, and it's my fault.

Hard day. Lots of tea and hanging out with the cat for starters.

[TakingWingAtLast]

Coffee,

It is NOT your fault!  Do not take responsibility for someone else's happiness.   This is the central tenet of your recovery!  You are only responsible for your happiness!  Not his. 

It's the hardest lesson for all of us Nons!   It is the reason we go back to the relationship when we shouldn't.   

Be strong Coffeespoons!   Choose your happiness and freedom!

Be well!

D