Enough is Enough

[looking4myself]

I haven't heard that phrase in easily over 20 years, if not more.  My father (who I loved dearly and passed when I was 21) used to say:  "Enough is Enough".

Well, now I say: 

"Enough is Enough".

I am the only one to blame for the situation in which I am now, for my misery, my depression, my slothliness.  If I want my life to improve, I need to start taking responsibility.

I have to stop waiting for my uBPDh to make a move first because it's not about him (not to mention he just never will because of this illness); this journey is about me.

If I want my life to change, I have to work on myself; I have to allow myself to work on myself.  I have to stop living in the "FOG" (fear, obligation, guilt).

I have to do the work because I should know these things about myself regardless or whether or not my uBPDh is around.

This is something I should've figured out about myself in college, but since I got involved with my uBPDh right off the bat, I didn't.

So I begin by asking myself: "What are my values"?

Here are the links to the reading I've been doing:

Boundaries: Living our Values:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/values-and-boundaries

The Gnome Exercise:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/values-and-boundaries

My values:

1. I value cleanliness.  I value a comfortable, clean and safe home. 

2.  I value timeliness.

3.  I value hard work.

4.  I value consistency.

5.  I value emotional intelligence (the capacity to be aware of, control, and express one's emotions, and to handle interpersonal relationships judiciously and empathetically)

6.  I value creativity and self-expression through art.

This one, ironically enough because I built my professional life around art, brings tears to my eyes.  Maybe because for one reason or another, I feel that it is wrong to act on this value.  Maybe because I’ve allowed this value to become victim/play the martyr to my feelings of failure when in reality, it is I who am to blame for my thin boundaries.

I'm going to sit on these values for a bit and re-read them and re-evaluate.  Once I'm comfortable with my list, I will begin to create a list of consequences (for my family and myself) if any of my boundaries are challenged.

[dontknow2]

Knowing your values, what is important to you, and having the courage to take responsibility. Empowering for me to hear it. I get so easily sidetracked. Thank you.

I am sorry to hear about your father's loss. 

[looking4myself]

Thank you so much for your message, dontknow2.  I, too, get easily sidetracked so am working hard to make a concerted effort to stay on track.

A few challenges presented themselves this morning and I'm using these as opportunities to work backwards toward my value.  To ask myself which value I felt was violated.

As a result, I'm adding the following to my list:

I value rules, respect and preparedness.