My last weekend to be married

[gary seven]

Hey there. I'm a newbie and have been mostly reading the failed relationships boards.  Thirty days ago, I laid the rules down after a particularly bad Thanksgiving where she yelled so much over the vacation that my oldest child had a near breakdown and ran out of the house with the car keys, screaming how he cant stand her yelling anymore.  He is 9.  He had been thinking of a plan to run away for several months, he told his therapist.

My BPD wife had tried private-funded out-of-state treatment at a "resort" this past summer (we told the children she was going to try out for the biggest loser), only to be thrown out of that program after two weeks and then she bounced out of another residential facility after 4 days then came home to do some outpatient work.  She was in a hotel that month, and I let her back in the house after that, like a fool.

Of course things got worse, culminating in the Thanksgiving Howl.

My thirty day decree was no screaming and no yelling.

At the end I would decide about the relationship: it has been a 11 year struggle for me and a lifetime for my kids.  I have decided to separate.  I have consulted a lawyer, but not retained one.  We have been thrown out of two towns because of her antics, and I have had to scramble to get a decent job and house.   I was sanctioned at this job for all the time missed carting her to thearpists/doctors/etc.  I am now protected under FMLA.

During the thirty days she has been doing all the things I did (in addition to my full time job):  cooking, cleaning, making kids lunches, taking kids to doctor's appointment, etc. 

She is currently on therapist n+1, psychiatrist n+1, medication n+1, and babysitter n+1.

Of course she is happy with everything, but she is getting edgy and wants " an early decision."

I had to stop going to my T because of lack of funds, and I gave up on Marriage Counselling a month ago due to the bills piling up.  She does not work outside the home.   I have a new one for Monday as part of EAP.

I have been invited to her psychiatrist appointment on Monday afternoon.  I believe that's when I will deliver my answer.

After the years of abuse, I know this will be hard, but isn't gaining freedom always hard?  I have to protect my children.  There is no next time for them.  I know this "honeymoon phase" will pass.  I know my kids will be confused, especially after this month of Mommy not screaming. 

How much more planning do I need to consider?  Kids go back to school on Tuesday morning. 

[livednlearned]

I think it's wise to have the best plan you can afford so you can protect yourself legally and financially.

It would be best to retain a lawyer, and have a plan where you and the kids will live, get control of the finances, close credit cards, have your kids in therapy to help them through the turbulence (because it will worsen for a bit), and for yourself if you can. Telling your wife you are done could trigger her to make false allegations. She will feel desperate, and may do something to try and hurt you without understand the ramifications. Has she ever physically hurt you? Or threatened you? Has she been physical with the kids?

In my situation, I increased my hours at work until I had health insurance, had a storage locker where I put items I wanted to protect from any physical damage, photocopied and/or removed important documents like passports, birth certificates, etc. to safekeeping. I retained a lawyer, and had been documenting rages, alcohol consumption and erratic behavior for about a year, and had worked out the best plan for me, which was to just leave and move into an apartment with S12, who was 9 at the time. I got a separate phone and took myself off our joint phone plan, opened a separate credit card in my name only, took out half our money the day I left and put it in a separate bank account under my name only, and set up automatic billing for utilities from our joint checking account. My parents came out and spent time with my son during the first few weeks so I could manage everything -- it can get pretty chaotic. I always went to my son's school and told the family counselor and guidance counselor what was going on, which was a good move because S12 acted out and they handled it really well, knowing where he was coming from and what was happening. Things I'm grateful I did before leaving: got my son into therapy. They really, really need it to help process the chaos. They need a third-party to talk to, and vent so those feelings don't bottle up or get repressed. Maybe now, before announcing the divorce, see if you can get your wife's permission to agree to therapy for your son -- it gets very difficult and tricky to do it after you separate.

Read Splitting: Divorcing a NPD or BPD Spouse by Bill Eddy if you haven't, and Divorce Poison by Richard Warshak, to help with the parental alienation (brainwashing, bad-mouthing that your spouse will try and do).

I think it's wise to get as many ducks in a row before telling her -- it will minimize the risk to your safety. And if she dysregulates big time, you'll have a plan in place, which helps when the s$!t hits the fan.

[ForeverDad]

A big risk for you is that the court may be inclined to do 'half measures'.  If at all possible, don't settle for that.

While my ex didn't have the long history of incidents with agencies and professionals like your spouse does, I did start my separation back in 2005 with a protection order when my ex threatened my life.  With that pending, me protected from her and her out of the house, wonder of wonders, my then-spouse walked out of family court with temporary custody of our 3 year old child.  Yes, he lived with her for the early part of our separation in a battered women's shelter.   A few months later I filed for divorce and the court reissued that temp order in her favor.  In 2008 we settled for Shared Parenting and equal time.  When that failed, I sought Change of Circumstances and custody in 2009. Eventually in 2011 I got custody but GAL wanted parenting time to stay equal.  That mini-fix failed too, so in 2012, already having legal custody, I filed for Modification of Parenting Time.  In 2012, just last month, the court ordered I get majority parenting time during the school year, ex got "one more chance" to keep equal time during the summer.  This after more than EIGHT YEARS in and out of court, in more than out.  My point?  Your court may have sympathy for your ex and want to keep her deeply involved with the children with just a little less contact.  Maybe, maybe not, I just don't know.  With her extensive history, that may not be the case.  Even with that history, accept that the court may lean toward a less drastic blended solution.  However, you have to do what you feel is right for your children.  They are minors, you need to look out for them.  Your spouse is an adult, she is responsible for her own actions.  Sad, but that's realistic.  Your kids come first.  Period.

[gary seven]

I have often thought about the promises she made for this cooling period.

I have also thought about what I need to do to protect the kids. 

At times I want to scream because of the sheer hell I was put through: like the incessant arguing, the refusal to unpack the house from our move two years ago because "I hate this house," alienation of friends, the being kept awake till 3 am, the "you have wasted 5 inches of label tape, do you have any idea how expensive that is?"

I will quietly collect my passport and credit cards tonight.  I have scrubs I can sort-of get away with at work if she throws me out.  I will take out some more cash tonight.

I have alerted one aunt who lives here in the next town.  My dream would be for her to move to the other aunt's home in another part of town, and play nice for the sake of our kids.

I imagine her parents, who are not happy with her behavior at all (save for the last month, possibly), would be willing to come help with the kids. 

I know I have so many more hills to climb, and those aren't even the legal ones.  I need my kids to have freedom from her. 

I understand she is their mother, that there may have to be a blend of what I want and what she wants.  She, to boot, has a legal background.  I do not want to spend my dwindling money on a long and drawn out battle.  It will do nothing but hurt the kids even more.   

the priority needs to be the kids and therapy for them.  What they have lived is not a normal life.  It breaks my heart: they are innocent.

[livednlearned]

Having a legal background does not necessarily put you at a disadvantage. My ex is an attorney and if anything, it made matters worse for him. Judges expect a certain standard of behavior from a colleague, and N/BPDx, even though he sounded articulate and measured in court, was doing such odd and counter-productive things in the court room that it drew attention to his distorted thinking.

I ended up with full custody.

Are you in therapy yourself? If not, I highly highly recommend it. It's important to have a place where you can process your feelings and get support -- divorcing someone with BPD is one of the hardest things you may go through, especially when there are kids involved. After being with your spouse for a long time, you will have habits of mind that can cause you to sabotage your best interests and the best interests of the kids, without even knowing it's happening. It took me a good solid year to come out of the FOG enough to see how deeply affected I was by it. We did ok, S12 and I are in a good place, but it took a lot of therapy, a good lawyer, support from friends in real life and here, to pull through in one piece.

It will be rough for a bit, but keep doing what you're doing, putting the kids first, and taking care of yourself. It gets better, it really does.

[gary seven]

I had a therapist from June- December.  Very respected in the community, as well as in the profession.  However I don't think he had a real grasp on the BPD thing.  Certainly he was excellent as a T for me in terms of my reactions that I was suffering ( anger, hurt, deep feelings of sadness).  He was careful in that he did not discuss the BPD thing much.  He has the opportunity to hear one of her rants live (she called multiple times at the end of a session once), as well as on Memorex (for those old enough to remember).  It amazed him about her behavior.  He does a lot of teaching and I think I was beyond his expertise. 

I start again tomorrow with new T , weather permitting, and will be asking more now that I know about BPD.  Actually I would like to find out how the T deals with the PTSD associated with non BPD's who are able to still look forward to a tomorrow.  I sometimes wonder if there won't be, and how much more pain does a non BPD deserve to feel, and when will it stop hurting, but then I think of my kids, and know that in all of their childishness they will be my light and dry my tears as I cry my self to sleep some nights.

[livednlearned]

I had a therapist from June- December.  Very respected in the community, as well as in the profession.  However I don't think he had a real grasp on the BPD thing.  Certainly he was excellent as a T for me in terms of my reactions that I was suffering ( anger, hurt, deep feelings of sadness).  He was careful in that he did not discuss the BPD thing much.  He has the opportunity to hear one of her rants live (she called multiple times at the end of a session once), as well as on Memorex (for those old enough to remember).  It amazed him about her behavior.  He does a lot of teaching and I think I was beyond his expertise. 

I start again tomorrow with new T , weather permitting, and will be asking more now that I know about BPD.  Actually I would like to find out how the T deals with the PTSD associated with non BPD's who are able to still look forward to a tomorrow.  I sometimes wonder if there won't be, and how much more pain does a non BPD deserve to feel, and when will it stop hurting, but then I think of my kids, and know that in all of their childishness they will be my light and dry my tears as I cry my self to sleep some nights.

Just speculating, but my guess is that many Ts don't want us (the nons) to get overly focused on the BPD behavior because they know there is a dynamic that we contribute to, and that is much more important to unravel. When I learned about BPD and NPD, I asked my T about the disorder, and she said she suspected that my ex was disordered (including Paranoid PD) but she said it can be a rabbit hole for her clients if they get too hung up on the labels, so she didn't talk about it much until I started to talk about it. She wanted me to work on asserting myself, setting boundaries, and stop getting (in her words) "bamboozled" by N/BPDx and people in my FOO. Not talking about BPD.

After the shock of divorcing a BPD sufferer mellows a bit, the dynamic that we contribute to does become more clear, but for me, focusing on what BPD was and understanding what it was -- that was critical to my healing. It's just that after a while, it's time to focus on ourselves, and some people get stuck and can't get there. And people like us -- nons -- apparently have a tendency to overthink and be in our heads too much, and that's part of the issue Ts are trying to help us with. To get out of our heads and into our hearts.

I'm glad you're planning on going back. My T actually recommended the lawyer I eventually retained, and that was a blessing in disguise. My L and T even talked in the first few months leading up to mediation. I was ready to hand over everything and sabotage myself, and my T talked to my L about how I might be too accommodating and nice during mediation. I tried to be, but my L put her foot down and that's in part because she knew what was going on inside my head. Literally 

[gary seven]

Dear Livenlearned: 

How interesting how the T recommended your lawyer. I sort of stumbled onto the same thing.  During the fall, when I was interviewing N+1 psychiatrist for my spouse, I had quite a candid conversation.  About 45 minutes, actually.  Maybe even an hour.  She listened to the story (at time it reminds me of "the Ballad of Jed Clampett," but without the fortune; only misfortune has befallen).  It boiled down to the psychiatrist plainly stating "Your wife is bat*%&# crazy.  Here is a name of a lawyer.  I will not see your wife as a patient, but I will be happy to work with you."  Really opened my eyes.  And this was before my oldest tried to run away due to my wife's constant screaming.

I'm also starting to see the rabbit hole, almost like the City on the Edge of Forever.  How interesting.  How interesting the observation about thinking with our heads instead of our hearts.

And I did collect some extra credit cards, a check book, and the birth certificates and passports this morning.