becoming friends with exBPDgf

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi all, hope everyone had a great holiday.

While back i had mentioned that i was going to try to be friends with my exBPDgf. And some of you mentioned that i might post later on how its going. For the ones that don't know my story i will catch you up. ExBPDgf and i knew each other twelve years prior to us dating, she and i had been friends and we would talk about once every few months or so and she has a daughter. Im also friends with the daughters dad (which he is extremely narcicistic). My exBPDgf and i dated about two years and than we did the on-again-off-again thing for another ten months or so. And the rest of it pretty much standard BPD relationship cycle. About a year ago i decided to go no contact with her and break the cycle and to get on with my life she made alot of attemts to get through my defences (having her sister text me meassages, calling at work, creating new email accounts ... etc... ) i stuck to my guns and resisted and got through it. She gave up after while and i was able to detach and start to reclaim my life (BTW i highly recomend N.C. to detach). It was hard in some ways and easier in others i sure didnt miss all the drama thats for sure.  Around september I started making some inquiries to a friend(he worked for the company) about a job i had applied for that i was turned down for (actually the company never would tell me one way or another wither i got the job nor would they take my calls) my friend wouldnt return my calls either. So i contacted another friend that might know what was going on and he informed me that my exBPDgf had contacted the company and told them that i was abusive amongst a bunch of other defaming things and also called my friend (the one that probably could have talked on my behalf to help me) and convinced him that i was an abusive S.O.B. (BTW this friend knew i had just broken up with my ex and he had never met her prior to this, she just called him out of the blue). All this cost me my dream job, one that i had been trying to get for five years, the one that the head of human resources had recommended me for, (i was a shoe in) and i didnt get it. Needless to say when i found out this information i was livid. I contacted an attorney i wanted revenge. For about three weeks i coundnt sleep i was irretiable and this scnerio kept palying in my head, i told my therapist about what happened and he thought i was justified for wanting to sue my ex for defamation of character. I prayed about this and one morning i woke up (i actually slept that night), and realized that trying to get revenge for what she had done to me wouldnt make things right, the next thing i realized was that anyone that would go through the extremes that she did was obvisouly ill. I also had to consider that was she doing this out of meaness or out of desperation (if i had gotten the job i would be moving even further away from her), I realized that she did this trully out of desperation, I have been there for her one way or another for fifteen years through two devources through being excommunicated from her church and family the one constant was that when she was down she could always call me. Although what she did was extremely devastaing to my carrer I knew i had to forgive her and move on. I also knew that i couldnt bare the thought of her getting so low that she might take her own life and so i contacted her in a poem.

*Friends from the time we met

We had a life time of moments

Some good and bad

Although I know the truth about many things

I understand.

I understand only as a deep friend could understand

Sometime back you mentioned to me

That I was the one person that loved you unconditionally

This remains true

I promised that somehow I always would be there

I know that it seems that I have abandoned you

But that not true

Just needed time to heal so I can be strong once again

If you find yourself in a dark place

Don’t despair

Because your friend is right here*

She called immediately crying and said how much she missed me. She also said that she had been ill and she is going to have an opperation to remove a tumor in her ovaries and that she is going to have to have a complete historectomy also. So i was glad that i contacted her and could be there for her.

That catches you up to around 1st part of december. Since than it been pretty good. On occasion she will boundry bust and i will have to remind her that we are just frineds. Or if she starts to talk about being pissed off about something that happened a while back when we were dating, i'll tell her that i dont feel comfortable about talking about it and that i will need to get off the phone.

I think the main thing is that you need to stay in your comfort zone, listen to yourself and your needs and dont get sucked into there thinking. Also dont fight with them because you will go round in round with nothing gained, best thing is when you feel that they are wanting to provocate a fight is to say that i need to go and let them call you later. Also i dont call her, I leave it completly up to her, Im here for her if she needs me but otherwise my life is pretty good (dont get me wrong i enjoy talking to her but im close to my family and i have alot of friends to talk to so its not a big deal if i dont talk to her for awhile).

In conclusion, Im glad that i made the decision to be friends with my ex, I wouldnt recommend it to most people unless 1. you have truly detached from this person, 2. your happy with your life, 3. you understand that they are seeing other people and that it doesnt bother you, 4. and it would help if you are seeing other people.

[Hiloguy]

Hi all, hope everyone had a great holiday.

While back i had mentioned that i was going to try to be friends with my exBPDgf. And some of you mentioned that i might post later on how its going. For the ones that don't know my story i will catch you up. ExBPDgf and i knew each other twelve years prior to us dating, she and i had been friends and we would talk about once every few months or so and she has a daughter. Im also friends with the daughters dad (which he is extremely narcicistic). My exBPDgf and i dated about two years and than we did the on-again-off-again thing for another ten months or so. And the rest of it pretty much standard BPD relationship cycle. About a year ago i decided to go no contact with her and break the cycle and to get on with my life she made alot of attemts to get through my defences (having her sister text me meassages, calling at work, creating new email accounts ... etc... ) i stuck to my guns and resisted and got through it. She gave up after while and i was able to detach and start to reclaim my life (BTW i highly recomend N.C. to detach). It was hard in some ways and easier in others i sure didnt miss all the drama thats for sure.  Around september I started making some inquiries to a friend(he worked for the company) about a job i had applied for that i was turned down for (actually the company never would tell me one way or another wither i got the job nor would they take my calls) my friend wouldnt return my calls either. So i contacted another friend that might know what was going on and he informed me that my exBPDgf had contacted the company and told them that i was abusive amongst a bunch of other defaming things and also called my friend (the one that probably could have talked on my behalf to help me) and convinced him that i was an abusive S.O.B. (BTW this friend knew i had just broken up with my ex and he had never met her prior to this, she just called him out of the blue). All this cost me my dream job, one that i had been trying to get for five years, the one that the head of human resources had recommended me for, (i was a shoe in) and i didnt get it. Needless to say when i found out this information i was livid. I contacted an attorney i wanted revenge. For about three weeks i coundnt sleep i was irretiable and this scnerio kept palying in my head, i told my therapist about what happened and he thought i was justified for wanting to sue my ex for defamation of character. I prayed about this and one morning i woke up (i actually slept that night), and realized that trying to get revenge for what she had done to me wouldnt make things right, the next thing i realized was that anyone that would go through the extremes that she did was obvisouly ill. I also had to consider that was she doing this out of meaness or out of desperation (if i had gotten the job i would be moving even further away from her), I realized that she did this trully out of desperation, I have been there for her one way or another for fifteen years through two devources through being excommunicated from her church and family the one constant was that when she was down she could always call me. Although what she did was extremely devastaing to my carrer I knew i had to forgive her and move on. I also knew that i couldnt bare the thought of her getting so low that she might take her own life and so i contacted her in a poem.

*Friends from the time we met

We had a life time of moments

Some good and bad

Although I know the truth about many things

I understand.

I understand only as a deep friend could understand

Sometime back you mentioned to me

That I was the one person that loved you unconditionally

This remains true

I promised that somehow I always would be there

I know that it seems that I have abandoned you

But that not true

Just needed time to heal so I can be strong once again

If you find yourself in a dark place

Don’t despair

Because your friend is right here*

She called immediately crying and said how much she missed me. She also said that she had been ill and she is going to have an opperation to remove a tumor in her ovaries and that she is going to have to have a complete historectomy also. So i was glad that i contacted her and could be there for her.

That catches you up to around 1st part of december. Since than it been pretty good. On occasion she will boundry bust and i will have to remind her that we are just frineds. Or if she starts to talk about being pissed off about something that happened a while back when we were dating, i'll tell her that i dont feel comfortable about talking about it and that i will need to get off the phone.

I think the main thing is that you need to stay in your comfort zone, listen to yourself and your needs and dont get sucked into there thinking. Also dont fight with them because you will go round in round with nothing gained, best thing is when you feel that they are wanting to provocate a fight is to say that i need to go and let them call you later. Also i dont call her, I leave it completly up to her, Im here for her if she needs me but otherwise my life is pretty good (dont get me wrong i enjoy talking to her but im close to my family and i have alot of friends to talk to so its not a big deal if i dont talk to her for awhile).

In conclusion, Im glad that i made the decision to be friends with my ex, I wouldnt recommend it to most people unless 1. you have truly detached from this person, 2. your happy with your life, 3. you understand that they are seeing other people and that it doesnt bother you, 4. and it would help if you are seeing other people.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.