I Guess I Am Still on Her Radar

[fiddlestix]

I thought I was off my ex's radar.  But the other night she showed up at my friend's house.  My friend is female, but 100% non sexual.  We have been friends for 20 years and sex has never encumbered our friendship. We basically watch sports, eat and drink beer, just like guys do.  My ex wife showed up, possibly loaded on booze or something.  She said she wanted to say happy new year. 

Then, my ex joked, "I hear my ex old man has been hanging out here. I am stalking you guys... . ha ha ha!"  My friend said it was weird, like my ex was jealous, which she never was about us before. In fact, they were somewhat friends too (although my ex often used and manipulated my friend).   My friend said my ex seemed very hyper/jacked up.  Maybe she is on a bipolar up swing (her diagnosis  is bipolar with boarderline traits).  She only stayed about ten minutes, much to my friend's relief.

Perhaps all is not well with her new "boy toy"  live in?  I don't know... . I thought I was off her radar.

[Moonie75]

How long she been gone?

[Clearmind]

Who knows whether things are not right with her BF. All our partners ex's are unfinished business because they do not process the relationship. A r/s demise is seen as a failure and is shame based. She is processing her shame in her own way.

My ex wanted to be friend because it relinquished the shame he felt. If I was OK with him then he was OK with himself. He placed a lot of self value on himself if we were OK with one another.

Best thing you can do for yourself is process the emotions that come up for you knowing she is calling in on friends. What is it you feel?

[fiddlestix]

She left in June 2012.  Mostly no contact for a year. We tried a recycle spring 2013 (when things went to hell with her druggie boyfriend).  But she threw me overboard again in June 2013 to move in with a new, much-younger boyfriend.  I have been strictly NC since about July.  We were married 23 years.  It is so hard to flush her out of my system... .

Fiddlestix

[fiddlestix]

I guess I feel some validation that she knows of my whereabouts, and that she made a joke about stalking me.  She has to know my friend would tell me that she came by.   But why the heck do I still care what my ex does and thinks?  She even told her dad that if she gets a new high-paying job she will help me.  So I guess she remembers me and is not mad. 

Fiddle

[Moonie75]

Fiddle,

I was told on these boards somewhere, "the best measure of future behaviour is past behaviour". I took that (to a certain extent) to mean for both pwBPD & non.

Historically, my ex has discarded me twice for a replacement. Then after 2-3 months that caper went to the wall & we've recycled. I guess we teach them in the first recycle that we're 're-catchable'? We own that because we chose to go back into the frying pan with them. If you, like me, have previously recycled with her she may well (understandably) believe it can happen again.

I would be very suspicious of this visit, and remind yourself what you don't miss instead of what you do.

Clearmind's right. You just don't know what's going on in her world. So keep your focus on you & your healing. Take stock of what you no longer have to put up with & acknowledge its value, priceless by comparison to what a recycle eventually offers!

You go steady man!

Moonie

[fiddlestix]

No doubt, Moonie.  A recycle would usher in more pain.  I do not want a recycle.  In fact, I have a lovely lady friend (we are going very, very slow).  But after feeling so rejected and discarded by my ex (multiple times), an opportunity to deny her a recycle with me might afford me a tiny victory.  Let her pine for me... . let her know how it feels.  But I know this is all immature, unhealthy thinking.  I  am just being honest.  I long for the indifference that more time and healing will bring. 

Fiddle

[arn131arn]

I feel the same exact way. Recycled over 20 times in 14 years. I vow never again. But truth is, if she came back tomorow I wouldn't be man enough to say no. Anyway, I dream of the day she attempts/offers another go around. Then, I could give her the "johnny cash" finger!

[fiddlestix]

Arn131, so cool that you get it.  I was with my wife 25 years.  We must be idiots to have put up with it for so long .  But I am still physically attracted to her.  She can seduce me so easily :-(  Personally and morally she offends me.

By the way I LOVE Barney Rubble!

Fiddle

[arn131arn]

Yeah, I was hoping for the "dumb, dumb" martian but they didn't have it. My ex ALWAYS recycled me. For 14 years. This is the 2nd time I caught her with someone else which makes my gut wrench that she would do it every other time. Should I trust my gut on this or believe ONLY what I know? What are ya'lls thoughts?

[MellowOddFellow]

ironically my own expwBPD mentioned to me once about the saying "once a cheater, always a cheater"

i guess that might apply to lying, specially the way BPDs use lying... .

id love to believe she didnt cheat and would never... . im sure many here do have that wish... . that hope.

but after all we been through here we are entitled to believe the world will always have something in store to hurt/make ur life harder.

i dont know if my own ex cheater, at least for certain, and i honest to god rather not know, just the doubt is enough for me to never turn back.

[fiddlestix]

The past predicts the future.  Unless she has had serious, committed therapy, and shown consistant trustworthy behavior over extended time... . do not trust her.  This is the rule I use on my ex. She fooled me last spring; I thought she had "seen the light,"  and was ready to be my faithful wife.  She was sweet, repentent, honest... .  The ruse lasted about one month. Then she was off running again.  Sigh... .

Fiddle