Acceptance

[sfbayjed]

Well, it has been a long road the last couple of decades. I was a codependent non  for 18 years and have been separated/divorced for over a year now. I went down the rabbit hole into the FOG very deep.  I ended to very damaged. I was wrongfully convicted of DV, cheated on, completely emotionally destroyed, not just by a single event, but my a persistent pattern that wore be down to a shell of a man with no self esteem.

Somehow by the grace of God, I have survived, I have gotten majority custody, and the truth has come to the light of the professionals in the system.

  The thing I am dealing with now is acceptance. Accepting the fact that I have been damaged, I am not the same person I would have been had not been in this relationship for that long.   I have recenty  met a woman whom I feel I can completely be myself around and I don't know how to deal with it, it makes me uncomfortable. I have a hard time trusting people. It is hard to accepy myself for who I am after all the years of not being good enough. It is hard to stay centered

Another thing I need to accept is that the ex is unlikely to get any better, ever.  I will always have the added stress of knowing there is someone who's intent is to destroy my life one way or the other and I need to always be alert and defend myself against false accusations. I need to accept that the person that is doing this is the mother of my children and someone I loved,  also.  For example, my ex called one of the local city PDs on Christmas day and a police officer called me while having Christmas dinner with my family. Why? because I tested her asking her to return the new jacket I had bought my daughter 3 days before and she was at work when she got the text, so she said I has harassing her at work.  That didn't work so she went to the county police and had them call me and almost come over because she got them all worked up saying the kids were suppose to be with her and I didn't bring them.  The Sheriff was going to come to my house to "straighten" it out.  I refused. said "oh no your not" and finally got him to actually read the order. then he told me to have a nice day. She did not care about how that would have affected the kids at all.  She never will. It is just who she is.   She did the same thing on Thanksgiving as well.  Its never going to change. The courts aren't going to do anything to stop it either.  This I need to accept. 

I also need to accept that my ex is not going to be able to be a good role model or parent for the kids. the kids therapist informed me that we are not going to be able to save her (the ex) and its a good thing that kids only need one good parent. . Also instead of helping to co parent she will continue to try to sabotage everything I try to do and will have no problems using the kids in that.

it is and will continue to be much harder to be a good parent than it would be if I were a single parent or a parent in a healthy relationship. 

I need to accept that this is who I am now, and this is how it is now and this is what I need to deal with. 

I just wanted to share.  thank you for reading. 

[livednlearned]

Hi sfbayjed,

Glad you came back to let us know how you're doing. I remember your story -- how is your son doing? He was in a body cast for a while, wasn't he? Are your kids doing ok? Did they get into therapy? I'm so glad to hear that you got majority custody. You've been through a lot, so terribly abused by your ex. I think you were looking for a job last time I read your posts here.

Yeah, accepting the reality of these relationships is hard. I've been out 3 years and for the most part I feel strong, healthy, centered. I started dating someone last year and two weeks ago N/BPDx found out about it. It fired up the usual antics, and I have to accept that it's just how it's going to be. My ex is an attorney, so his preferred place to engage me is in the court system. Unless the court stops him (which apparently they can do), I foresee this going on for the next 5 or 6 years until S12 is 18. I've started to budget for legal fees like it's a utility bill that I'll be paying, sorta like water and electricity.

Our disordered spouses are emotionally immature and can't be role models to our kids. Inside, they are broken children. We have to be twice the stable, mature parents for our kids. My son, I think he's genuinely resilient after what we went through, and a big part of that is because of therapy and my own advocacy for him, plus giving him tools to help cope with strong feelings and negative emotions. We've worked hard, and it's paying off. He's struggling a bit in middle school, but he just talked openly about his dad this weekend, and it blew me away how evenly he sized up his dad's psychology. Not mean or vindictive, just matter of fact that his dad thinks he's a victim, when he's not. S12 understands he can't (and doesn't want to) help or fix or rescue his dad, but he said if he ever admitted to his problems, he would be there for him. He said it like he was 40 years old, so wise at such a young age. Took me that long to learn what he knows before he can even drive.



Glad you're doing better, even if the gains seem incremental, they add up. 

[Matt]

Welcome back Jed!

[sfbayjed]

My son is doing great. Running around like nothing ever happened.  There both doing better.  My daughter is pretty emotional still, she was diagnosed with ptsd and sometimes she is just scared. She reverts when she spends a lot of time with her mom it seems. She has been waking up at night scared since she got back from her moms for the last park of winter break.  I found a cool job and  am working now during the day almost full time.

That is great about your son Livednlearned. It sounds like he is doing very well, that is a great victory.  My daughter starts middle school next year. 

Thanks Matt 

[livednlearned]

My son is doing great. Running around like nothing ever happened.  There both doing better.  My daughter is pretty emotional still, she was diagnosed with ptsd and sometimes she is just scared. She reverts when she spends a lot of time with her mom it seems. She has been waking up at night scared since she got back from her moms for the last park of winter break.  I found a cool job and  am working now during the day almost full time.

That is great about your son Livednlearned. It sounds like he is doing very well, that is a great victory.  My daughter starts middle school next year. 

Thanks Matt 

That's great to hear about your son! I'm glad he's all healed up. How do you help a child who has been diagnosed with PTSD? Is she seeing a counselor?

[gary seven]

Your perspective on acceptance is very touching:

" Accepting the fact that I have been damaged, I am not the same person I would have been had not been in this relationship for that long. "

It really is making me think a lot.  I have three beautiful children to cherish from the ruins of my personal choices.  I would not trade them for anything (except maybe getting them to pick up their rooms and take the dirty laundry to the laundry chute!)  The flip side is their mother is very diseased and is not going to get better.  I feel more symptoms of ptsd when alone and away from the family.  I took a step to look for a more trained T, and my first session is tomorrow night.