Threats of Leaving

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Did anyone else have this?  My exBPD fiancee always used the relationship as a carrot over my head.  She knew I hated the makeup/breakup cycles, knew it affected me and I just wanted a normal family/life free of drama.  But she probably threatened to leave me weekly over 14 years.

Anyone else?

Is this there way to control?

[arn131arn]

Did anyone else have this?  My exBPD fiancee always used the relationship as a carrot over my head.  She knew I hated the makeup/breakup cycles, knew it affected me and I just wanted a normal family/life free of drama.  But she probably threatened to leave me weekly over 14 years.

Anyone else?

Is this there way to control?

[Pearl55]

It is a control game. "If you don't shake up I will leave". It's funny if you would say firmly" ok pack your stuff and LEAVE" she wouldn't play this game anymore with you!

[Waifed]

For 3 years she would say "we need to stop this" referring to our relationship. 9 times out of 10 it was right before we had sex. I didn't know about BPD at the time. I'm still not sure why she did it (control, fear, mind games?) but it gradually began to wear down my self esteem so it was likely control.  She said it the night before I broke it off with her. With all the other BS, I just couldn't take it anymore.  I knew it was time to leave. The relationship had run its course and I had to save myself.

[fromheeltoheal]

She found something that was big for you and exploited it, as a means to control.

That behavior is not limited to borderlines though, by any stretch.  A component of a healthy relationship is to never, ever threaten the relationship itself; couples are going to fight and have power struggles, a healthy component of two autonomous individuals negotiating and compromising as they build a relationship together.  Sure fight, negotiate, argue, whatever, with a mutual desire to make the relationship work.  If it isn't working for one or both partners they should break up, or stay and keep working at it, but never, ever threaten the relationship itself as a means of control.

[blueeyedjess]

What is it about control? It really gets under my skin.

Before looking into BPD, I had reacted soo badly when I suddenly felt controlled, but I hadn't been seeing the control for what it was/is. I have begun to see it much more clearly now. It sucks to have to constantly be watching for the signs. I hate feeling so on edge all the time. We are in this phase right now where the stbex is trying to win me back by being supportive, kind, and very open with me. I told m T that it feels like he trying to manipulate me, make me fall back into the pattern but my body is reacting to it- telling me it's a trick. I want to believe that he can be reasoned with, rationalized with, that he can accept the truth of the situation, but then he says some little thing that pops up loudly and shows me where we really are. It sucks!

[Pearl55]

It's ALL about controls for borderlines! The more they control their victims the more they are in control if themselves.

[Pearl55]

What is it about control? It really gets under my skin.

Before looking into BPD, I had reacted soo badly when I suddenly felt controlled, but I hadn't been seeing the control for what it was/is. I have begun to see it much more clearly now. It sucks to have to constantly be watching for the signs. I hate feeling so on edge all the time. We are in this phase right now where the stbex is trying to win me back by being supportive, kind, and very open with me. I told m T that it feels like he trying to manipulate me, make me fall back into the pattern but my body is reacting to it- telling me it's a trick. I want to believe that he can be reasoned with, rationalized with, that he can accept the truth of the situation, but then he says some little thing that pops up loudly and shows me where we really are. It sucks!



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It is really painful because after manipulations and lies when we believe their lies and fake acts they view us as idiots that's why we are not good enough for them!

There is a no win situation!

[blueeyedjess]

Exactly, Pearl-

I said that to the T the other day. I was explaining something and t just clicked for me to realize no matter what i do, I can't win. And I pointed out to my T that is isn't really about winning or losing- but it is about normalcy. Like adults. It infuriates me to no end when my stbex harps on the fact that I use "winning" or "losing" in a discussion because he just can't see what I am trying to say. He focuses on the aspect that it is a competition between us, but it sure as heck isn't! I just want to be heard and no matter how I put anything, he turns it into a battle... Sigh...

[Pearl55]

Blueeye

He exactly mentioned that you are his opponent. This is all about, we are their opponents. This is their real feelings for us. The rest is act and lies! Took me 13 years to understand.

[blueeyedjess]

Blueeye

He exactly mentioned that you are his opponent. This is all about, we are their opponents. This is their real feelings for us. The rest is act and lies! Took me 13 years to understand.

I'm aware but the sad thing is he loves to tell me he isn't my "enemy" but when you put someone in that role, subconscious or not, how do you expect them to react? I hate having to be so guarded all the time- it is sucking the happiness and fun right out of me.

The next crisis has arrived by the way- apparently my his grandma fell and broke her hip- He had my 10 year old tell me. Seriously. We live in the same house and he had my youngest child tell me. I went down to his room, politely knocked and inquired about her, about his mom and dad and even himself. I told him that if there was anything I could do to please let me know. I figure it is going to play out pretty badly because it will be ALL my fault if he can't fly out there or drive out there. It will be ALL my fault if I don't move heaven and earth to get him where he wants to be. It will ALL my fault if I don't tell the people at the job I am STARTING tomorrow that I have a family emergency. Sad thing is he as been in limited to NC with his family for YEARS because he felt they wronged him (which they did but it was in a pretty normal way not as big of a deal as he makes it out to be, sadly) but now he has been talking with his folks, brothers, nieces and nephews?

[Pearl55]

Blueeye

It was my fault when I got pregnant! Haha

How you do expect an emotionally 3 year old take any responsibilities?

You are the adult in your relationship and is only you can make a decision not him! 

[TakingWingAtLast]

Seems to be one of the big things about BPD, a need for control.   And it gets really crazy when things are NOT in control.  Sorry, Arn.   Live and learn!

D

[arn131arn]

It is a control game. "If you don't shake up I will leave". It's funny if you would say firmly" ok pack your stuff and LEAVE" she wouldn't play this game anymore with you!

I had had enough, Pearl.  I did start doing that towards the end of the relationship, though. 

I think me doing that played on her abandonment fear, but funny thing, when I got back from work each night, she was still there.

Then a week after she graduated she left... . I was used

[santa]

It's ALL about controls for borderlines! The more they control their victims the more they are in control if themselves.

I'm with you on this. One time, my BPD ex knocked on my door for like 30 minutes. I never answered, so she picked the lock. When she came in, it really scared me. She had a crazy look in her eye and she told me she'd let me know when she was done with me. She said getting a restraining order against her wouldn't help, etc.

She referenced this conversation recently and said, I told you I'd let you know when I was done with you and now I am.

Psycho.

[Pearl55]

Santa

I know you want to be polite but they don't understand. She hasn't developed mood regulations as she is only a 3 year old. If she sees a trace of fear in your face she will use it against you. Nomally intelligent borderlines are very very cowards. They bark more than they can bite.

Look very deeply into her eyes ( like you dealing with a very naughty 3 year old) and say whatever you want to say in a very firm way. It woks, believe me.

I did try this even at work with one the carzy woman who treated me like crap and after that her voice was shaking everytime she wanted to talk to me.

I tried it with my husband as well. Sometimes worked but he is psychiatrist himself so he knows all these techniques himself!

[santa]

Santa

I know you want to be polite but they don't understand. She hasn't developed mood regulations as she is only a 3 year old. If she sees a trace of fear in your face she will use it against you. Nomally intelligent borderlines are very very cowards. They bark more than they can bite.

Look very deeply into her eyes ( like you dealing with a very naughty 3 year old) and say whatever you want to say in a very firm way. It woks, believe me.

I did try this even at work with one the carzy woman who treated me like crap and after that her voice was shaking everytime she wanted to talk to me.

I tried it with my husband as well. Sometimes worked but he is psychiatrist himself so he knows all these techniques himself!

That's a really good idea. I'm going to try it. Thanks.

[myself]

Some people's way to win is making sure someone else loses.

Controlling by being out of control.

Turning good to bad.