Has she gone NC?

[Depression = 72% of members]

This is my third and final breakup from my exgirlfriend. Previous ones it seemed she would always try to contact me. Whether to bash me, or act like she wanted me back, or tell me how her current r/s isn't working. This time I've been more NC, and in the beginning it bothered her. But recently I haven't heard much of anything from her. I know this is a good thing.

I just sit and wonder why. Has she finally got the message. Is she just to occupied with my replacements. Or is she just waiting me out. It drives me crazy.

Also, I just can't stop thinking who she is with and what she may be doing, especially on the weekends. Because I know from experience with her, there is no way she is going to stay alone at night, no way.

[State85]

This is my third and final breakup from my exgirlfriend. Previous ones it seemed she would always try to contact me. Whether to bash me, or act like she wanted me back, or tell me how her current r/s isn't working. This time I've been more NC, and in the beginning it bothered her. But recently I haven't heard much of anything from her. I know this is a good thing.

I just sit and wonder why. Has she finally got the message. Is she just to occupied with my replacements. Or is she just waiting me out. It drives me crazy.

Also, I just can't stop thinking who she is with and what she may be doing, especially on the weekends. Because I know from experience with her, there is no way she is going to stay alone at night, no way.

[Moonie75]

If you don't want to go back into 'the dance', it shouldn't matter what she's doing or why.

If she's reciprocating your NC then her behaviour is inline with yours & that's GOOD!

Use this time to start healing instead of wasting it trying to second guess a mentally ill disordered person. That IS a complete waste of time because there is no way you can predict someone's behaviour with any accuracy, they control that.

And if their brain doesn't work like yours, well, that's a totally futile waste of time that you could use more productively for yourself.

If she's playing NC as happily as you, enjoy the rest bite, and use it for YOU!

[Perfidy]

This is my third and final breakup from my exgirlfriend. Previous ones it seemed she would always try to contact me. Whether to bash me, or act like she wanted me back, or tell me how her current r/s isn't working. This time I've been more NC, and in the beginning it bothered her. But recently I haven't heard much of anything from her. I know this is a good thing.

I just sit and wonder why. Has she finally got the message. Is she just to occupied with my replacements. Or is she just waiting me out. It drives me crazy.

Also, I just can't stop thinking who she is with and what she may be doing, especially on the weekends. Because I know from experience with her, there is no way she is going to stay alone at night, no way.

Obsessive thinking is very much a part of withdrawal. The significance of this cannot be ignored. It means that you are healing. You will heal at your own pace and some things will set you back. Grieving is complex. There is no real way to sum it all up and throw it in a box. I've heard grief described different ways. Some say its a process. Some say emotion. It has stages. It's nonlinear. It takes time. Whatever it is we experience it and not everyone grieves the same way. Good news is that we heal. The trick is to heal healthy so that our hearts and minds aren't disfigured by the trauma we have experienced. Take it easy on yourself.

[broken but not beaten]

State...        I've felt very similar the last few days,wondering,hoping for an apology and recognition of her behaviour. I have received a message from an unknown number which turned out to be her but it was of no significance and impersonal considering the situation. I've had a mixture of emotions and feelings today particularly,from missing her to wanting her back and then back to remembering the last time we spoke and how abusive she was. I didn't recognise the person she became from the person I once thought I knew and loved so much. I've wanted to tell her I miss her and also tell her how angry and hurt I am to be treated the way I was. But... . what would it achieve? More abuse? More projection about my failures? I just don't know... . at times I feel strong and others I feel weak... . I believe this is normal however it is both mentally draining and emotionally exhausting. There is a part of me that believes they know they did wrong,yet at the same time they can't accept that or acknowlege this and will choose to avoid this self examination. Its sad and I do have empathy for them,yet like you I also wonder.

[arn131arn]

This is my third and final breakup from my exgirlfriend. Previous ones it seemed she would always try to contact me. Whether to bash me, or act like she wanted me back, or tell me how her current r/s isn't working. This time I've been more NC, and in the beginning it bothered her. But recently I haven't heard much of anything from her. I know this is a good thing.

I just sit and wonder why. Has she finally got the message. Is she just to occupied with my replacements. Or is she just waiting me out. It drives me crazy.

Also, I just can't stop thinking who she is with and what she may be doing, especially on the weekends. Because I know from experience with her, there is no way she is going to stay alone at night, no way.

Trust me, State.  You do not want to know who your replacement is.  If he is a downgrade it will hurt.  If she upgraded it will hurt as well.  I vowed to not look at her FB or my repalcements or any of her friends FB.  I have even told people not to tell me about her or what she is doing.  Been almost 3 weeks.  Not easy and it hurts; so it's going to be a long road, so I packed a tent

[State85]

I'm afraid I do know who one of my replacements is. She had no problem telling me. Some retiree about 20 yrs older than her. Sick if ya ask me. I believe there are others as well. I don't follow her on fb... . I am her friend on fb, but do not subscribe to her posts... . so I don't have to see the crap she posts. Which is kinda cool cause she thinks I see it, but I don't. In the past I checked her fb constantly, and she knew it. So she posted things to hurt me,she said she wasn't doing it to hurt me... . but that's a lie given what she posted.

As far as not hearing from her. I guess I had been used to her trying to contact me in previous break ups... . and recently nothing. Almost like she is waiting me out. And if I strike first, I lose control.  Then maybe I should just wait it out, and watch her current victim r/s crash and burn.

Just a little confused. Not her typical script.

[broken but not beaten]

Wait it out and use the time to begin to heal. See things for how they are,whilst we may idealise our ex partners we must also learn to love ourselves rather than accept their treatment of us. My first ex who I also work with bring new bf to work and parades him around but its false. In another post there is talk of indifference... . when we get to this point we no longer care... . they can't hurt us no longer and that wounds them

[State85]

I'm a pretty religious type of person, but I can't help but wanting to see her hurt. And I just don't know if she is now. If I were to talk to her, she would say yes she is. But, I don't know if I believe that. I want her to feel the same hurt I am feeling now. But if I give in, and text her, I'm giving in... . giving her the power back.

I guess what bothers me at this moment is not hearing from her. In past breakups she would blow my phone up with either text message or voice mails. Now, nothing. Don't get me wrong... . I know this is a good thing. But I guess I would like to get a text from her... . anything, just to know I am thought of. Given what has happened between us, I shouldn't give a damn whether I hear from her or not. People, friends I try to explain this to do not understand... and at times I don't either.

Its just frustrating. I want to text her now and ask how she is... . but I can't bring myself to do it.

[myself]

State, are you still in a relationship with her? Is NC a game of pain and waiting you two play, or something you tell yourself you're doing while she's out doing whatever with whoever? Are you wanting to hear from her or wanting to be done with her?

My ex isn't contacting me because she knows she'd have to be real with me now if she did. No more lies, no more self-propelled bullet train rides away from the stuff she doesn't want to admit. I haven't contacted her because why cause myself more pain? Or trigger hers? I care about her but she's probably making bad decisions. When I went NC it was to not be affected by them from then on. When she went NC it was to punish me.

The phone doesn't ring, she isn't showing up, and it's peaceful here.

[State85]

myself... . I hear ya.

Thanks... . sometimes it helps to hear someone else say these things. People, other than these on this board, don't get it.

[myself]

None of this easy, but it can get easier. We just have to let go.

The control that pwOutBPD wrestle with that makes things worse is hanging on when we should detach. It sets the other person off, adds to the push and pull, and keeps us stuck. I've been the one waiting for contact, and did the chasing, too. Neither was good. It was supposed to be a relationship, not a contest where everybody lost.

Everyone I knew said my intentions were good but I was being poisoned. I said, But I love her, there were promises made... .

We recycled so many times we're both in the Crazy Hall of Fame.

When we were getting along, there was no one I would rather be in contact with. But it's different now. She tells herself I hurt her more than I did, and I know she hurt me more than I admit. The contact we had revolved around pain and then trying to not feel it for awhile before it came around again. NC is much better than that. I guess I miss that 'trying to not feel it' with her most of all. Which sounds the opposite of healthy.

I'd like to know if she's ok, but, is she ever?

[State85]

I just know I am tired of this, so tired.

I have a really good female friend who I have confided all of this with. I really believe she is just waiting until all of this is over to be with me. But I don't know when it will be over. She does things, not on purpose, that remind me of my exgf... . that's when i shut down. I call her on it, and I shouldn't. But I've seen it from my ex, and I'm like "here we go again"... . so unfair, so unfair.

I want to go back in time to that day when i first met her... . and turn around and walk away!

[santa]

It's likely that things are going ok for her right now. Might be in the idealization phase with someone. Maybe she's "happy". You'll have to see what she does when things start to go bad. Should be in the next couple of months.

[Perfidy]

It's likely that things are going ok for her right now. Might be in the idealization phase with someone. Maybe she's "happy". You'll have to see what she does when things start to go bad. Should be in the next couple of months.

Don't bet on it. There are plenty of codependent knights in shining armor out there. People like me that want to rescue wounded birds and then cage them for years. Only healthy people walk away and after a while they learn how to pick the sick ones because they are sick themselves.

[santa]

It's likely that things are going ok for her right now. Might be in the idealization phase with someone. Maybe she's "happy". You'll have to see what she does when things start to go bad. Should be in the next couple of months.

Don't bet on it. There are plenty of codependent knights in shining armor out there. People like me that want to rescue wounded birds and then cage them for years. Only healthy people walk away and after a while they learn how to pick the sick ones because they are sick themselves.

LOL

It's of no significance to me if she calls him or not. Frankly, I hope she doesn't. I'm just saying that if she does, that's the likely time frame. If she does call, nothing good will come from it. Maybe it'll be a boost to his ego or somewhat of a short term validation, but soon after, it'll blow up in his face... . same as it would with me or any of us. The only guarantee with a borderline is destruction.

[Perfidy]

Right Santa... I kind of look at it like this now... . The best ending is the last. Just let it be over and done.

[santa]

If you don't want to go back into 'the dance', it shouldn't matter what she's doing or why.

If she's reciprocating your NC then her behaviour is inline with yours & that's GOOD!

Use this time to start healing instead of wasting it trying to second guess a mentally ill disordered person. That IS a complete waste of time because there is no way you can predict someone's behaviour with any accuracy, they control that.

And if their brain doesn't work like yours, well, that's a totally futile waste of time that you could use more productively for yourself.

If she's playing NC as happily as you, enjoy the rest bite, and use it for YOU!

This is excellent advice.