Struggling with getting real help.

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

So as ive been going along with the process i find it harder deal not only with everything that happened and what ive been left with, but also with my next steps. one side effect of my former r/s was that ive become completely alienated besides my family whom i love and am thankful for since they have provided me with what support they can but its obvious they cant even begin to comprehend whats really going on with me. This place has been such a blessing as has been my family, but ive reached the point where i can feel im gonna need a little extra push, by this i mean seek professional help. now i in no way feel suicidal or that everything is over, but i can tell real help is what would suit be at this time. This place held me together when i needed it but i now find myself, almost frantically, looking for a human touch to my healing process.

now im confronted with a whole new set of circumstances, i feel very intimidated almost scared or shamed of having to seek help.

i feel the running thoughts, anxiety and just the dark mentality in general, very much still alive and still doing damage. as someone i messaged advised me looking for professional help experienced in BPD itself is a big bonus as is finding someone that feels right to talk to. at this point its almost like im realizing things are a lot more damaged than what i was willing to admit to myself and knowing that i might not be able to do this, alone, or the right way. this feeling is very overwhelming and i guess deep down i have 2 main contradicting emotions: that i will be ok and do great! Vs that not only i CANT do this myself, but will end up with my own permanent issues... .

today i went to a couple local places where i thought i might be able to find help only to realize they could not point me in the right way or were closed, since it IS sunday. however i took it badly, felt defeated and that there is no point. simply knowing that i still have little or no control of certain if not most emotions is very bad and keep me stuck in the bad mindset. its a haunting reminder every second of what happened, of her... . and the suffering that ultimately she carries but i do now too.

i try to tell myself that its still very early and that its normal, but its getting a bit too much, im suspecting now that im having mini anxiety attacks after some thinking and looking around. i still have very real physical symptoms i guess you could call it.

i never imagined myself in this position, in this state of being and mind, its almost like part of me is in denial. maybe i need to just "relax, get over it or ride it" but right now that seems impossible, seeing as i can hardly concentrate on anything and feel constantly trapped and alone. i guess im just sharing some of the chaos going on in my mind... . at least what little of it makes sense.

how did you guys go about finding professional help, if you did at all?

this all is very strange and intimidating and confusing and even scary to me for now. thank you for your insight as always.

[MellowOddFellow]

So as ive been going along with the process i find it harder deal not only with everything that happened and what ive been left with, but also with my next steps. one side effect of my former r/s was that ive become completely alienated besides my family whom i love and am thankful for since they have provided me with what support they can but its obvious they cant even begin to comprehend whats really going on with me. This place has been such a blessing as has been my family, but ive reached the point where i can feel im gonna need a little extra push, by this i mean seek professional help. now i in no way feel suicidal or that everything is over, but i can tell real help is what would suit be at this time. This place held me together when i needed it but i now find myself, almost frantically, looking for a human touch to my healing process.

now im confronted with a whole new set of circumstances, i feel very intimidated almost scared or shamed of having to seek help.

i feel the running thoughts, anxiety and just the dark mentality in general, very much still alive and still doing damage. as someone i messaged advised me looking for professional help experienced in BPD itself is a big bonus as is finding someone that feels right to talk to. at this point its almost like im realizing things are a lot more damaged than what i was willing to admit to myself and knowing that i might not be able to do this, alone, or the right way. this feeling is very overwhelming and i guess deep down i have 2 main contradicting emotions: that i will be ok and do great! Vs that not only i CANT do this myself, but will end up with my own permanent issues... .

today i went to a couple local places where i thought i might be able to find help only to realize they could not point me in the right way or were closed, since it IS sunday. however i took it badly, felt defeated and that there is no point. simply knowing that i still have little or no control of certain if not most emotions is very bad and keep me stuck in the bad mindset. its a haunting reminder every second of what happened, of her... . and the suffering that ultimately she carries but i do now too.

i try to tell myself that its still very early and that its normal, but its getting a bit too much, im suspecting now that im having mini anxiety attacks after some thinking and looking around. i still have very real physical symptoms i guess you could call it.

i never imagined myself in this position, in this state of being and mind, its almost like part of me is in denial. maybe i need to just "relax, get over it or ride it" but right now that seems impossible, seeing as i can hardly concentrate on anything and feel constantly trapped and alone. i guess im just sharing some of the chaos going on in my mind... . at least what little of it makes sense.

how did you guys go about finding professional help, if you did at all?

this all is very strange and intimidating and confusing and even scary to me for now. thank you for your insight as always.

[Perfidy]

I didn't have much luck at first, in finding a pro that I liked. For one thing it's a job to them and its my life to me. I had to go through a couple before I found one I was comfortable with and suited my needs.

[fromheeltoheal]

The big thing is although we've all been in relationships with borderlines, it's not about them, it's about us, finally.  A borderline only shows us our weaknesses and shows us how we've felt about ourselves since childhood; they use it maliciously as a means to control, but the gift is we get a spotlight shined on them and once we remove the evil borderline from our lives, there are those areas that still need a little work staring us in the face.  That's a gift.

Don't know what your insurance situation is or how much professional help is available to you, but my experience is it's just a conversation with a friend, someone who's being paid to be your friend, but that's OK, they've got training to be a very beneficial one.  I too was anxious and intimidated by going to see one, but I found as soon as I got in there the anxiety went away and we just chatted.  Plus, whatever you talk about initially is not what really needs to be talked about, and the relationship grows and changes as you get to the real meat of what's going on.  Plus, if it just doesn't feel right with someone, you can always go to another until you find a fit.  Tidbit: it's a sign of strength to go for help, people who need it and don't go can stay stuck for a long, long time.  There's nothing sacred about therapy though, we get our answers where we get them, and the most important thing is to look.

[MellowOddFellow]

thank you guys. i will not give up and pick up my search tomorrow, i guess another reason i feel compelled to search for help a few other things going on that i honestly cant even fathom to grasp, starting after confiding to my sister, who is the only one i could even muster the courage to share with, about certain "things going on in my head". after talking she urged me to seek help and the fact that she looked very distraught after i confessed to her kinda scared me, she asked me if ive done any mind altering drugs recently and i said no, never had. im really confused because i dont think i need help beyond what happened but i just dont trust anything right now. i cant picture myself being someone who needs help because they been or are now "off" if that makes any sense. sometimes i feel like its all a dream and ill wake up.

[Perfidy]

MOF... From my own personal experience I understand how you must feel. It is difficult to explain to anyone who hasn't experienced a borderline up close and personal. A long term with disorder is very damaging to anybody. We seek answers. The first and foremost question is why were we so attracted to somebody that was so bad for us. A good counselor or therapist will help you to figure out what your part was. Definitely beneficial. Good luck.

[love4meNOTu]

MellowOddFellow-

I called my employee help line (called an EAP). They asked the urgency of my request and I said NOW. I need to talk to someone now. They did refer me to a therapist who saw me that day.

I also called the national domestic violence hotline, talked to someone there. Recently, I called the national suicide hotline, they were very helpful, and not at all upset to talk with me even though I was not suicidal at that moment.

Most local hospitals have an Intensive Outpatient program for behavioral health that you can "walk" into and ask for help.

Don't give up... keep asking for help and it will come to you. You don't need a therapist who specializes in BPD, because you are not BPD. Believe me, most therapists have seen those of us struggling in the aftermath of a toxic relationship... and that's what this is. It's not about THEM anymore... it's about YOU.

You do not need to suffer, there are plenty of people who CAN help you and will help you immediately.

Blessings,

L

[heartandwhole]

Hi Mellow,

I think it's brave of you to ask for help, and although it may take a little time, I truly believe that you'll find someone you click with.  It's perfectly normal to feel intimidated and scared.

Like you, I never thought I would be in the position I was about a year ago.  I didn't recognize myself: I felt apathetic, paranoid, hopeless and depressed.  I couldn't talk a lot to my friends, because it's just so hard to describe/understand unless you've been there.

Today, I feel like a better version of myself    There is hope, Mellow, don't give up on yourself and won't either. 

P.S.  Many of us land here at bpdfamily with moderate depression.  Maybe this will be helpful:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=79772.0

[Learning_curve74]

I first worked with a counselor with the EAP (Employee Assistance Program) at my workplace. I also had confided in a friend that is knowledgeable about psychology who recommended a therapist to contact. After my free sessions through the EAP were up, I got another referral to another therapist. All three were very important in helping me start to get a grasp on my life. I'm not entirely settled, so I still have a regular appointment with the therapist I felt had been offering me the best tools to cope and work through the situations I faced.

It is so calming to have somebody who is knowledgeable and will listen without judgement. No matter how awful or worked I am, as soon as I head over to a session with my T, my mind seems to settle and I feel like I'm in a better place. It's weird, he's kind of like my security blanket.

I hope you find a professional that you click with and that will help you, MellowOF.   

[MellowOddFellow]

i cant handle it anymore, i can feel myself lose, not gain control. i feel ashamed my head still revolves around her even after EVERYTHING. i feel like everyday my energy goes to trying not to breakdown wherever spot i am, work, driving, etc.

its mostly questions, obsessive questions, driving me literary insane, i even started to frantically figure out ways to just make it stop. reality just doesnt fir into my head and TRYING to make it fit i feel is gonna just fry my brain...

tried to go to a couple spots just to be told "were closing right now, come back tomorrow!"... . so discouraging.

i finally found a place last minute and said theyll try to connect me with the right help. i know shes sick but ill be damned if i didnt give her 100% and beyond! i know shes not all there and in a way i lost her long ago but i also lost the essence of who i was and the world as i knew it.

i dont even know what stage im in anymore, i dont even know if im getting better or just spiraling out... . its so scary to see myself like this and i almost feel like im watching someone else and i feel so bad to see that person just fall apart.

someone wrote how "the best thing you could do is radio silence, from here to eternity... . "

not sure why but that really hit me really deep, never thought id be the one to sail away into eternal darkness away from the world i once knew and loved with every atom in my body, with every waking second... . with every single breath.

[Hidden Dragon]

Hi Mellow!

I feel you, I have been there too or even still am (with one foot there, but ready to take off)

at this point its almost like im realizing things are a lot more damaged than what i was willing to admit to myself

I needed huge amount of time to realize this. And the "full" picture of the

past is so painless. It may play a big part of your current emotions. It is fully understandable for me, you open the eyes and see the disaster. It freightens and depresses. Many, many of us experienced that, I think it is better to recognize the truth than to live in an utopia (which will end anyway, sometime)

knowing that i might not be able to do this, alone, or the right way. this feeling is very overwhelming and i guess deep down i have 2 main contradicting emotions: that i will be ok and do great! Vs that not only i CANT do this myself, but will end up with my own permanent issues... .

I think it is NOT possible to get through this alone. I use the forums (and other online ressources), I read very much and think about it. From my experience: it costs huge amounts of time to blindly search on the internet, to educate (psychology, psychiatry etc.). In my opinion it a very good choice to seek professional help, it brings you so much faster to the solutions. You are here, you know very excatly what situation you will discuss with a professional, so you will be able to find the right one (very important in my opinion).

A professional is able to show you the right directions in a much faster manner and the good professional will help you with finding the truth about YOU.

Last but not least: if you are struggling so much (as Heartandwhole wrote: it can be depression), then medication may be good option for you. I heard from my therapist that he (and many other professionals) prefers  first use the medications to lift you up and keep you running and then you are ready to talk about the distaster without being to catastropic and depressed. It was very helpful for me to take the medicines (low dose SSRIs made ´normal´ living possible for me, I used them for few months to get through the painfullest phase). Don´t be afraid if they propose that and do not be afraid to ask them about it.

PS Remember you are not alone, here is lots of people who experienced the same and understand you. There is light!

[Hidden Dragon]

Ups, I cant edit the posts.

Of course I meant that the whole picture is painfull not painless... .

English is not my first language  language (or even second) so please forgive me

[Conundrum]

I'm sorry that you are greatly suffering. What you are feeling though has ancient roots. The goddess Kore/Persephone has been described as "she who produces and destroys everything."  The myths surrounding Persephone can be viewed an allegory about trauma, to be ripped away from one's mother--abducted to the underworld. Persephone's resultant obligation is to remain in the underworld a third of the year (in winter), and for the rest of the year, to live in the world above. Perhaps an ancient allusion to the cyclic nature of push/pull. It is not coincidence that the ancient sirens were the companions of Persephone, and were condemned for failing to intervene in her abduction. Their song which lures men to their graves, "though irresistibly sweet, was no less sad than sweet, and lapped both body and soul in a fatal lethargy, the forerunner of death and corruption."  The siren song  continually calls for Persephone--it is difficult to resist and leads to a destructive outcome.

What I'm trying to demonstrate, is that what you are experiencing is an ancient feeling. These experiences were so vital and profound to our forebearers that myths sprung up over the spiritual nature of those feelings This is one of the oldest aspects of being that humans have wrestled with throughout the ages. The ability for these beings to worm their way into our souls is beyond the scope of functional relational parameters. In these cases true acceptance about the nature of the illness, requires clear perception. It is not shameful that you gave it a 100%.  It is not shameful that you may be lost at sea for a while. It is natural. Just do not drown in the sirens call, because they sing about a trauma that occurred long before you met your pwBPD. Grant yourself the gift of grace, because small steps will eventually climb a mountain.

[MellowOddFellow]

Thanks all and conundrum, that was beautiful.

I never knew pain like this could be possible, a tragic story forever burnt into my soul.

Far worse than death, for they are still here and instead killed me in their eyes.

Forced to raise and nurture this love day in and day out like nothing else mattered.

Now given the task to gather what she left behind, left me all alone so I can bury it all with my own hands.

I never want to feel this again, the price has proven way too high. Gave away my life and world, for what?

For ending up with just emptiness inside.

I buried a part of me that night, something, dont know what, but I'll never get it back.