Need support as I cut ties

[Daughter_of_BPD_Mother]

I had posted on the newcomers area without much feedback so I'm moving over here

My friends are great as they know the nightmare my life has been with my parents but I really need feedback from those who live it too. My mom is great at convincing me i am crazy and need help. Below is what I wrote before, I'll repost here to provide background up until this point.

Hi everyone. I am pretty positive my mom has BPD or at least displays all the behaviors. I've had 3 personal therapists tell me this in the last 2 years. I come here in need of advice but also with my head hung in shame. Label or not, I have always known my mom has issues and scarred me. My dad was an alcoholic so I blamed him and saw her as a victim but I know better now. Regardless, I am a single mom of three (oldest 2 are my cousin's biological children that I have had custody of for 10 years). Due to their problems of early childhood trauma while in my cousin's care, my mom moved closer to help out and last year actually moved into an RV on my property. She and my dad are still married and he commutes on his days off work. I am ashamed that I have let her have any caretaker role in my children's lives. I was hopeful she would be better with them and for the most part, she has but not completely.

As you can imagine, it's been horrible. I am a grown woman that is treated like a child in my own home. She rearranges my furniture, opens my mail, puts me down constantly and in front of my children, tells my children to do opposite of what I have said, etc. Her actions are so helpful (helping me around the house, cooking, keeping the kids, etc) but her words are like razorblades. I have told my dad I need her off my property and out of my day-to-day life and he understands but he is co-dependent (like I have been) and I am not sure he will follow through. I want to see her once a week, not everyday, she has to move.

A couple of days ago she demanded my debit cards to control my finances and I refused with a smile, not smirky, just not engaging the argument. She blew up and stormed out, that's her normal behavior when she doesn't get her way.

The next day when I got home, she left to go to her house without a word. A year ago this would have bothered me and I would have had to make it all better no matter the cost. I'm trying to move forward though, not go backward into more of her control. She will be back when she's done with the silent treatment, the when and how is what makes me anxious. She isn't physical but my PTSD is still triggered in fear.

So the next night, my co-dependent dad that said he had my back called. Suddenly he's worried about me and thinks I need to be in a recovery group. Recovery for what I asked. He said I seemed depressed amongst other things like I ate spinach dip for breakfast one day last week... . seriously, he said that. Basically, she got to him as usual. He needs me to back down and make peace. I get this, hey I even feel for him, but not enough to stay under her thumb. I received texts from them both this morning, I'm incapable and incompetent, I can't raise my children without their help (I've been a mom for 10 years, they've helped for the last 3), I will lose everything but hey if I want my independence I can have it. They agree to be cordial to me from now on but nothing more.

I know this is a pointless question but why are my only two options to either be under their control and they will be family, or be in control of my own life and they will shun me?

[Marcia]

I also worried for years about what people thought of me, because I knew that my BPD mom spread lots of nasty talk about me just generally, but especially during our periods of NC over the years.

I finally had to go NC more or less permanently 2 and 1/2 years ago and realized that I don't really care anymore what anybody else thinks. Very freeing to get to this point!

Also, my enDad while he was living would also sometimes support then turn around and throw me under the bus... . that never changed... .

Please make choices to gain a healthy home life... . you do deserve it!

[Sitara]

I know this is a pointless question but why are my only two options to either be under their control and they will be family, or be in control of my own life and they will shun me?

The third option is to use the communication tools found on this website (look under Workshops for anything titled Communication).  Some have managed to work a situation that meets their needs.  None of the choices are easy or painless though.  It's the unfortunate truth of our lives.  You say they will be family if you do what your mom wants - what kind of family are they?  They don't change based on your choices.  They will be the same people whether you do what they want or do what's best for you.  They make their choices, you make yours.

A couple of days ago she demanded my debit cards to control my finances and I refused with a smile, not smirky, just not engaging the argument. She blew up and stormed out, that's her normal behavior when she doesn't get her way.

Good for you!  I don't even want to think about the damage someone with BPD could do once in control of your finances.  My mom also has the same reaction to not getting her way - she makes an over-the-top threat, then storms out and gives me the silent treatment for months on end.

Before I learned about BPD and was in the stage where I truly believed she was a good mom, we had asked her to baby-sit a handful of days a month to save money on daycare.  While my mom didn't rearrange my furniture, she would constantly make hurtful comments about how my husband was a better father than I mother and complain about everything, like she never knew what to feed him despite being told every day, or disagreed with our choices to feed him, and would bring her own unhealthy food.  My dad is also an enabler.  He will say one thing to me, then mom changes his mind for him and he turns right back around on me.

Isn't it amazing how they can turn the tiniest thing into a huge dramatic event?  Everything changed for me because I showed up for a party on time.  Things just snowballed drastically from there.  Now I'm living half the country away and my mom only contacts me through my dad when she wants to do something for my kids, and I'm not sure I'm going to keep allowing that.  In all honesty, it's given me the time and space to work on my issues, and day by day, I feel a little happier.

Take some time to figure out what you need, what's best for you and your kids.  I know it's hard, but sometimes it can help to remember they are mentally ill (yes, both of them, just in different ways) and they just aren't capable of what you need sometimes.  I can't take claim for this next statement, but I like it a lot because it put things into perspective for me: expecting a person with BPD to have emotional maturity is like asking a person in a wheelchair to walk.  Take care, and you are not alone.

[Daughter_of_BPD_Mother]

Thank you all so much for your support! There hasn't been much to update, the silent treatment is still in progress, even had my little girl text me at work today instead of doing it herself. Childish anyone? My dad did text me about depression, trying to be supportive in his way I guess. It's important that he talk about my depression (that I've had for eternity but suddenly he's worried) to place my new crazy behaviors (standing up to them) on. It's really sad. I worry I have hurt my mom's feelings and keep telling myself I have but not in the same way I fear. My instinct is to go check on her and try and make her happy. I remind myself that I can't, literally. I'm not responsible for her happiness, I threw away my self-appointed chore to do so.

My daughter's relief and happiness when I told her that my parents would be moving off our property makes it all worth it. That, and the feeling of my backbone growing stronger each and every passing day.

[Sitara]

My daughter's relief and happiness when I told her that my parents would be moving off our property makes it all worth it. That, and the feeling of my backbone growing stronger each and every passing day.

On days you find yourself questioning yourself, remember this.  It sounds like even your kids weren't happy with your mom being so close.  My kids were what finally gave me the strength to say no.

Keep us updated to how your family is doing and how the move goes!

[lucyhoneychurch]

Hello... . my back story is so similar to yours, and it's posted on the newbie board right at the first of the year... .

Except in no way shape or form were either or both of my parents on my property.

To really cut to the point I know I will belabor ... . read what you just wrote us, with all labels and personal thoughts of yours *about what is wrong with her* removed - focus on her actions that you will no longer accept, her comments that you will no longer absorb, her abuse basically is what it's called.

Read what you wrote to yourself a number of times. First of all, any other human would never ever have done these things or said these things to you and your kids right? Right, I know because I allowed the same for years.

With all labels removed, all "diagnoses" removed - read it to them. It sounds like you 1) want them off your property. 2) You will no longer be willing to tolerate actions like (name some that are simply abusive and intolerable) or comments that *you* feel are abusive. Not what they say is wrong or inappropriate - what you won't absorb any longer 3) want one day a week to perhaps assuage the daughter/mother angst this will all inflame inside yourself. 4) Keep your children free and clear of her.

You can whittle what you need in your life down to a list that they have the freedom to either honor or abuse and walk away from. They aren't shunning you when they do silent treatment, they are using tools (like your father's sudden referrals to your mental state) that they know work with you. If you know in your heart you've caved over and over given this comment or that behavior of theirs, you are actually armed in your own right to LIVE your life and not continue to be targetted.

It's within your power to break these hostage bonds of theirs on your heart and home. It can happen. I did it. But I did not have them at my doorstep literally.

If I am reading your comments and thoughts right, in my opinion, that is what has to change first - they have to go.

And you do not have to explain any further than, "This is my decision, I am informing you that you need to leave by x date."

I have a feeling you are reading this thinking no way in hell. You can do it, and you will reap some quiet and some calm even in the midst of raising three kids.

you can do it. It's entirely up to you and you have been trained to think you are not part of the equation... . that you are powerless.  You're not.

It's a sick magic web of lies and manipulation that keep us running back for more - and we do run back. over and over.

I am so very sorry as another daughter who tried for decades to dance to their tune and finally sent the drummer packing so to speak. It's impossible to do. Their rules change every minute to suit them.  The enablers change every minute to pacify them.

Think about how many of these verbs we used discussing living with them is like war-time terms... .

The war is over when you say it is. You remove yourself from the equation.

You can do this you just have yourself convinced as a child of an abusive parent that you can't.

I know. I believed the same.

It's do-able.

[captchaos]

I'm a son of a BPD mother.  She passed a few years ago.  IMO reading a few books on BPD will help a lot so you have a better understanding of the illness.

I understand the issues.  I'm sure you can give many examples of horrible things she's done, is doing, and will do.  Those are all details to a much bigger issue. You can't control others but you do have power over your own life.

IMO get as educated on the illness as you possible can. Hearing other stories that hit home will help you feel better.  I also think forgiveness is a huge step. Forgiveness is a very misunderstood word IMO.  Forgiveness is not saying it was ok to do what they did, are doing, and will do.  True forgiveness is saying "I don't condone what you have done but I will not let you have control over me any more.  Another definition is giving up the hope that the past could be any different."  Once we look at Forgiveness from that perspective it makes it easier to forgive IMO. I think too many people get hung up on... . if I forgive them then I am saying it's ok what they've done.

You can never win with a Borderline.  Trying to please them is a futile effort.  Just take care of you and your family.  If others want to be ignorant that's on them.  And no matter how hard it may be to remain calm do your best. Years ago when I knew I was seeing my mother my palms would get sweaty! my heart would race! and it would feel agitated.  I didn't trust myself. I was not sure I would not say something mean or do something I shouldn't. She had power over me even before we met.  I look back and I don't like that at all.  She won many battles but she did not win the war. YOu can win the war through the resiliency of your spirit and the goodness in your heart.

I wish you the best.  Seriously though read some books. You'll probably think they wrote the book about your Mom.  The theme is text book.  understanding the borderline mother was 1 of my favorites. You will also see your father in this book. 

I've been there and so have many of us. You are not alone.  Be careful getting advice from people that don't have a BPD Mother. It's something they will never be able to truly understand.  As Christine Lawson says in her book... . "Some adult children will never abandon theirMother regardless of how many times their Mother has abandoned them!"

[Daughter_of_BPD_Mother]

It's been quiet on the storm front. The kids are back in school thankfully so they are only in her care a couple of hours a day now. I come home and she leaves to her home immediately, no words. I have been surprisingly ok with this. I thought I would have the need to "fix" the tension more than I am. I was beginning to worry that my parents felt it would blow over and I would cave, as my mother put it - I have a burr in my butt. My oldest child told me that my mom has been house hunting online. My sister called today to say that my mom called her. This is the first time they've spoken since I started WWIII. My sister played dumb and my mom told her all about me and how's she's worried I won't feed my children right. (?) She told my sister that they are indeed house hunting. They are MOVING. OFF MY PROPERTY! I won't lie, I'm scared.  I feel their judgement and belief that I will fail which makes me determined not to. My fear is illogical, I know. I just have to keep reminding myself that their view of me isn't the true me. I don't have to accept it and be the failure they need me to be.

My two eldest children, as I mentioned, suffered severe trauma before I took them into my care. They both have attachment disorders. I have spent hours upon days reading and reaching out to other parents and traveling to conferences and speaking to therapists and educating the schools and... . well a lot of time and effort in learning how to understand and help my children and also to love them through their behaviors. It's exhausting to say the least but worth it, of course. What little I have read on BPD so far (I have ordered Walking on Eggshells btw), I don't know if I have anything left in me. To learn about more mental illness, how to cope, how to help but not get sucked in. Maybe the process will be simliar to dealing with my children, maybe I will be ahead of the game already, maybe... . The difference I feel is, I came into my relationship with my children knowing they would direct their anger at me, the main person trying to draw them close. It was hard but I knew not to take it personally. I've spent my entire relationship with my mom in belief that I was unlovable and not good enough for her. That if only I were smarter, but not too smart or prettier, but not too pretty, something, anything. I do forgive her and my dad as well, I think. Or I would like to if I haven't. My point is, I don't know how to let go of the hurt to even want to put for put forth the effort. There are great times with my mom, so normal and fun that they almost make the bad times bearable. Until I am smack in the middle of a bad time. Those times make may make it worthwhile to learn how to deal with her better instead of just run away.

Thank you everyone, you do make this easier.

[Tiptop57]

I've spent my entire relationship with my mom in belief that I was unlovable and not good enough for her. That if only I were smarter, but not too smart or prettier, but not too pretty, something, anything.

Oh these sentences are so sad. I am giving you a gift below, which I am sharing with my niece whose mother is uBPD

Positive thinking has a way of changing your whole view on life. And these are statements of affirmation.

“I see the good in myself”

“I am a worthwhile human being”

“I am proud of myself!”

“I am proud of my accomplishments”

“I enjoy being happy”

“I know I’m important”

“I can do anything I focus my mind on”

“I am a peaceful human being”

And I might be going against the grain and other helpful advice on these boards, but I am going to offer up on more tidbit on your sentence that I have practiced in my life. You wrote:

I do forgive her and my dad as well, I think.

My dad had uBPD and I let him go to his grave never forgiving him. He had a responsibility when he brought his children into the world and he shirked it at every avenue. He has been gone over ten years now. And I have never missed him.  I have also created sculptures (I'm an artist) showing the world his abuse. My thought is not everyone needs to forgive another person in order to be a valuable, worthwhile and successful human being.

One last thing, you have a responsibility to your children and you are a fabulous person being taking in your cousins kids, and you have been doing great with them, but it sounds like your mother is undermining you at every corner. This is not healthy for you nor your children. So while the guilt is overwhelming and you grieve the "what ifs"….it does not define you in the long run.

Best wishes to you and your children, because everyone deserves happiness.

[lucyhoneychurch]

If only I could be as verbally clear as Tiptop... . I second all those thoughts.

If I knew you personally, as one of your friends, and as an adult daughter of deceased uBPD'd woman... . this is where I sort of panic in my belly for you, Daughter:

"Until I am smack in the middle of a bad time... . "

In other words, you know better by writing that. No good time with her, no multiple good times, can wipe out the damage she is inflicting on a regular basis.

Stop going back for more. I rationalized decades of hurt from my mother in this same way.

Normal loving mothers/parents do NOT harm and then get happy and fun. Polarized craziness like that leaves our heads swimming.

I wish you well. Wishing and hoping she moves and leaves you to this drastically vital work with these two children. Bless you for caring. What a task but what divine love... . "there is no greater love than to lay down one's life for another" - you are doing this daily. And I don't quote that Book very often.

Be well and safe.