Waif's do rage however its internal and they rage within. My ex was also emotionless when he was going through a tough time. He would emotionally check out/numb out as a means to cope with perceived disappointment, upset and paranoia.
The blank absent stare is also common.
Are you undecided about your relationship karma?
Clear:
Undecided is an understatement. I feel very BPD-esque when it comes to this: I want a divorce; no, don't go. This is something I'm pondering right now, and praying about, because I have to make a decision soon. This relationship is sucking the life out of me and sitting in limbo isn't doing either of us any favors.
On the one hand, I read post after post here and it seems like these things just never get better. But then I read that one post that says progress may be possible. I'm struggling, too, with the fact that although I had dated before him, this is my first serious-serious relationship and has spanned most of my adult life so far. I haven't been on my own in a long time, and it's a scary proposition. As I said in another thread, he has isolated me from any friends I used to have and I am estranged from my family, so alone really would mean alone. I also struggle with knowing if I decide to go, I have to change up so many things to make it happen, mainly that I have been primarily a freelancer for a decade and would have to get a real job, which is hard to come by in this economy to start with, let alone for someone who hasn't been in the mainstream workforce in a long time. I have horrid health issues, some caused by the stress of living with my BPDh, and he carries our health insurance. If I leave without securing a job with health insurance first, I have no idea how I would manage to pay for treatment.
So I guess the true answer after all that is, I would love to leave "if" -- if I could get all the stars to align in the various issues leaving would create a problem. For now, I remain undecided, I think, primarily because this relationship has sucked everything out of me and I really just don't have the fight in me to pick up the pieces and make a concrete decision yet. Every single day it's something, and I have been beat down to the point where making leaving a real possibility just seems like it would be too much work. There is never any down time to think and ponder and recuperate even just a little bit before he's on to his next "thing" of the day. Yesterday, it was repeated lies and a really bad attitude; today it was just blatant rudeness and uncalled for acting out when I was trying to talk to him and he literally walked away in the middle of me speaking and I told him it was rude. I wasn't even confronting him about something he screwed up this time; I was simply asking him what else needed done re: house chores that he didn't complete this morning so I could do them this evening. It's just always something, every hour of every day.
I do know that I don't want to stay forever. I can't stay forever. There would be nothing of me left.
