Question for the divorced folks

[thisyoungdad]

I have come a long, long way in the detachment process since my ex left me and especially since I started coming here where I have felt safe to really express myself and find others who understand. Well it has been 14 months now since she really left for good and our divorce is all but finalized with the parenting plan in place etc.

So although with the exception of rare moments where I want to be back with her I am all but moved/moving on. I am really learning how to detach and realize that what she does isn't personal to me. None of it was, ever, it is just what she does.

So my question is this. For you folks who were married, especially the guys, what did you do with your wedding ring? Or anything else from the relationship? I already boxed up almost all the stuff. I have a few things that I still use like some clothes but I did put those away for a long time before bringing them back out without any emotion attached. My wedding ring has been put away for almost a year now. Every once in a while, like every few months I would pull it out to look at it but have not in a long time now. I realized I was torturing myself. Did getting rid of it help bring closure? Was keeping it bad for you? I am just curious as it comes up near a year when I made the decision that no matter what, if she wanted me back or not I wasn't going and I think that has me thinking more about things like this. That was my moment of empowerment when I came to realize that everyone around me including her therapist didn't understand why I was wanting to stay and if for no other reason than that that I couldn't try anymore it was so unhealthy for me and I was sacrificing so much of myself just trying to stay with her.

So anyway curious what other's did with their wedding rings as I make my decision about mine.

[thisyoungdad]

That is actually why I am asking. We had a town we loved, I think it is true she went there growing up because her grandparents lived out there. We had dreams and plans to live out there and do all these great things. We spent a lot of time out there dreaming those things in fact and were planning our formal wedding out there (we eloped)  and during it all I made friends with some people so I go out there a lot, and am thinking of getting away there next weekend too. It just so happens the park we were planning to have our wedding at is right on the Pacific Ocean (so is the town) and I keep thinking I want to take it out there and just let it go. I guess a small part of me is afraid I will regret it or maybe it is just still sad to me. Not sure. Sounds like chucking it in a body of water really is a good idea after all.

[imstronghere2]

Most will probably not like or agree with my answer but it is what it is.  I still have all my stuff.  I don't run away or forget my past.  I learn from it and in our case, never forget so as not to repeat it - ever.

I have my wedding ring and as it turned out, hers as well.  So what?  It's an object.  I never wore it very long anyway because I detest jewelry and it drove me crazy.  Always fidgeting with it and such.  It's what inside that really counts anyway.  The ring didn't keep me loyal and faithful - I did.

When my exwBPD left us, she literally abandoned us.  House, kids, cats, dog, me - everything.  Flipped the "do over" switch and forgot about us and our life like it never happened.  I'm here to carry on.  My kids grew up in this house and I wasn't about to disrupt that more than she already had so I tried to keep most things the same.  My son likes it that way and yeah, it's a reminder of what life was but then she never really participated in our lives much anyway.

I think once my son has graduated HS (he's 13), I might sell this place if I can manage it but I'll cross that bridge when I get there.  Until then, we deal with things.  I kept all the animals since it wasn't their fault she left and it's a lot but we get by.  She was literally the "crazy old cat lady".  I've got 8 of the furry beasts and her damn dog but my son loves that dog so she stays too.

I'm a little over 2 years out on the divorce and I feel pretty good overall.  Getting better all the time.  Keeping all this stuff wasn't that big of a deal to me on my recovery.  What happened, happened for a reason.  It wasn't all bad all the time and it's made us who we are today.

I guess the bottom line is - do what you feel will be best for you and your recovery.  If getting rid of material items helps, then do it but that won't change the past.

[broken3]

I am with imstrong.

I take the jewelry and have it customized with diamonds, special cuts ( whatever thats called) etc.

Any photos that have meaning. I re-frame.

The bedroom is re-decorated.

It reminds me of the past and how to grow from it.

It makes the object better than it was... . get the point?

[Dutched]

I relate to imstrong.  Still have my ring. I took it of immediately when she left and since it’s in a closet.

I still live in my house in which she was years present too. I changed part of the decoration and threw away old, just normal replacements. Further also my S lives with me. It is his home, a save haven and old comfort. They experienced enough already, special when a mother leaves abrupt.

As with imstrong she left in an outburst and only with just some belongings. I stored all her cloths in plastic garbage bags, after the final settlement after a 3 years she came to collect them… 

She was entitled to have her fair share, ended up with small and unimportant pieces . And unbelievable, she even forgot to put on the list her diplomas and belongings which she kept since her youth (that stuff, incl. diplomas I disposed).

Photos I keep (for me even an “of course”). There is a 3 decades history together. It is all stored for my kids, it is part of there roots which I never want to deny.   

[thisyoungdad]

Thanks Dutched, and imstrong. that is actually where I have felt torn because she up and left us. She came back for a while so she packed her stuff but we sold our house and moved- which the side part there which sucks is she came back and we sold the house which she bought right before we met and then literally the day after is sold she wanted a divorce for good. She had me help her do all this stuff to sell it under the impression we were trying to work on the relationship and then really she used me. So anyway part of the divorce agreement was that I was getting her wedding ring back and I have thought about keeping them both so that when my daughter is an adult she can have the choice if she wants her mom's or not. I have not thrown anything out that I can think of except the hard copies of the wedding pictures but I have them on a cd. I guess I can take it with me and see how I am feeling about it.

[Lucky Jim]

Hi thisyoungdad, I don't think there is one "right" answer so I'm with everyone above.  If it would feel cathartic and symbolic to throw the ring in a lake, then go do it.  For me, I took the ring off three years ago when I separated from my BPDxW and haven't given it much thought until I read your message.  I know where I put the wedding ring, but it doesn't haunt me and has lost its power, now that we are divorced.  It's just an inanimate object now that has lost its meaning.

Lucky Jim

[imstronghere2]

I still live in my house in which she was years present too. I changed part of the decoration and threw away old, just normal replacements. Further also my S lives with me. It is his home, a save haven and old comfort. They experienced enough already, special when a mother leaves abrupt.

As with imstrong she left in an outburst and only with just some belongings. I stored all her cloths in plastic garbage bags, after the final settlement after a 3 years she came to collect them… 

She was entitled to have her fair share, ended up with small and unimportant pieces . And unbelievable, she even forgot to put on the list her diplomas and belongings which she kept since her youth (that stuff, incl. diplomas I disposed).

Photos I keep (for me even an “of course”). There is a 3 decades history together. It is all stored for my kids, it is part of there roots which I never want to deny.   

In bold.  First I agree 100%.  These kids did go through more than they ever should have.  For that alone I will never forgive their mother.

Second bold, I doubt I will ever understand how they could leave like that without even a photo of their own kids?  Their own biological children?  Mine did that too.  How do you erase the two most important lives you gave birth too?   That alone is sufficient evidence to clarify them as mentally disturbed.

Third bold - yes those photos are for the kids, should they even want them someday but that's their choice and rightfully so.  Thankfully during their formative years my kids had a pretty stable home life.  I refused to indulge my exwBPD when she wanted to engage me in a fight.  I would just shut down and ignore her until she calmed down.  I remember how I felt as a kid watching my parents go through the knock down, drag out fighting and I vowed my children would never experience that.


Someday I may just chuck out all the personal items that I have that relate to my exwBPD but we'll see.  I think a motivating factor will be if I ever get involved in another relationship.  That would probably do it but I don't see that happening for a very long time, if ever.