Finally filed for a PPO. Please offer advice.

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

When I think the nightmare couldn't get worse, it does. When will I learn NO CONTACT is the only way to go. I sealed the deal by finally having a judge grant an ex parte PPO this past Friday after I was told my ex would "slit my throat" if he saw me again and "wanted me dead."

I had found drugs at my ex's house again. Not surprising. He's a drug addict. Went to rehab once a few years back and has continually relapsed on all kids of pills... . adderall, xanax, you name it. Every Xmas was always ruined by this person. Last year I didn't even get a gift. He lied over and over again about buying one and never would admit he didn't. The lies are too much to understand. Doesn't matter what the details of that night were but I left and was disgusted when I found he had a doctor write him a Rx for adderall so he can continue to use without getting in legal trouble. He also had a bunch of Xanax in the bottle This is the guy who just spent a month in jail and didn't make it more than two weeks tops without getting more. When I left, all he could say is "my name is on that bottle" meaning I did nothing wrong, after all, now I have a doc to Rx this to me. . . this is after lying to my face for hours about not being on drugs.

He would then go on to give me silent treatments through all of Xmas and the rest of the week. Typical behavior for him. He lies, does drugs, goes on rages, then gives me the silent treatment for days/weeks. Total emotional abuse. Sunday rolls around and I get a call from him mom looking for him. I told her I hadn't spoken to him in awhile and told her I found drugs at his house and his nephew was also there with some of his friends doing drugs. I also told her I’m pretty sure my ex was snorting some of the pills. His nose was all crusty and kept saying he had “allergies”. He disappeared upstairs for awhile and when he came back he kept talking about how bad his nose hurt and then he literally zonked out on couch drooling and snoring and not waking up to anything. I’m not stupid.

New Years Eve I did make a stupid move of sending him a text and saying his mom was looking for him. It turned into a major argument and angry texts. I missed a call from his dad. I sent a text back to him and his dad telling them all to leave me alone, they are all enablers and to basically F off. I have had it with this family. I know, this was a dumb move on my part but I had enough.

New Years day was a nightmare. It was continual texts and calls and me trying to figure out what he meant by the statements he was making. Apparently his mom turned what I said into something I never said. He accused me of telling his mom his nephew was doing cocaine…... LIE. He was IRATE. Screaming the worse things in the world you can imagine. I kept trying to call him which was dumb but I was seriously confused. At one point he told me if he saw my face he would “slit  my throat”, he kept texting me he hates me more than I’ll ever know, several times said he wants me dead, called me the C word, and everything else you can imagine including idiot, bit—h, slut, you name it. He was in a major rage. He even threatened my brother in law for no reason.

There has been a history of him becoming physical with me in the past. I finally went down and got a PPO. He was served yesterday. The process server told me as soon as he realized what it was he slammed the door in his face after he took the paperwork.

[feelingcrazy7832]

When I think the nightmare couldn't get worse, it does. When will I learn NO CONTACT is the only way to go. I sealed the deal by finally having a judge grant an ex parte PPO this past Friday after I was told my ex would "slit my throat" if he saw me again and "wanted me dead."

I had found drugs at my ex's house again. Not surprising. He's a drug addict. Went to rehab once a few years back and has continually relapsed on all kids of pills... . adderall, xanax, you name it. Every Xmas was always ruined by this person. Last year I didn't even get a gift. He lied over and over again about buying one and never would admit he didn't. The lies are too much to understand. Doesn't matter what the details of that night were but I left and was disgusted when I found he had a doctor write him a Rx for adderall so he can continue to use without getting in legal trouble. He also had a bunch of Xanax in the bottle This is the guy who just spent a month in jail and didn't make it more than two weeks tops without getting more. When I left, all he could say is "my name is on that bottle" meaning I did nothing wrong, after all, now I have a doc to Rx this to me. . . this is after lying to my face for hours about not being on drugs.

He would then go on to give me silent treatments through all of Xmas and the rest of the week. Typical behavior for him. He lies, does drugs, goes on rages, then gives me the silent treatment for days/weeks. Total emotional abuse. Sunday rolls around and I get a call from him mom looking for him. I told her I hadn't spoken to him in awhile and told her I found drugs at his house and his nephew was also there with some of his friends doing drugs. I also told her I’m pretty sure my ex was snorting some of the pills. His nose was all crusty and kept saying he had “allergies”. He disappeared upstairs for awhile and when he came back he kept talking about how bad his nose hurt and then he literally zonked out on couch drooling and snoring and not waking up to anything. I’m not stupid.

New Years Eve I did make a stupid move of sending him a text and saying his mom was looking for him. It turned into a major argument and angry texts. I missed a call from his dad. I sent a text back to him and his dad telling them all to leave me alone, they are all enablers and to basically F off. I have had it with this family. I know, this was a dumb move on my part but I had enough.

New Years day was a nightmare. It was continual texts and calls and me trying to figure out what he meant by the statements he was making. Apparently his mom turned what I said into something I never said. He accused me of telling his mom his nephew was doing cocaine…... LIE. He was IRATE. Screaming the worse things in the world you can imagine. I kept trying to call him which was dumb but I was seriously confused. At one point he told me if he saw my face he would “slit  my throat”, he kept texting me he hates me more than I’ll ever know, several times said he wants me dead, called me the C word, and everything else you can imagine including idiot, bit—h, slut, you name it. He was in a major rage. He even threatened my brother in law for no reason.

There has been a history of him becoming physical with me in the past. I finally went down and got a PPO. He was served yesterday. The process server told me as soon as he realized what it was he slammed the door in his face after he took the paperwork.

[ForeverDad]

You did right.  A bit late to figure it out, but you did right by going to court.  Yes, he will claim you overreacted, he will keep shifting blame from off himself to anyone else, currently you since you had a close relationship with him.  Don't let his claims or badmouthing deter you from keeping away from him, no calls, no texts, no feeling sorry for him, etc.

However, as you have found out, it is hard to stay away long term.  Some counseling might be good so you see why you stayed so long and how to change that part of yourself. The peer support here is also excellent to help you avoid falling back into contact with him.  Remember, you will never find closure from him, nor reciprocity, it will just open more wounds.  Closure is something you will have to Gift Yourself.  Let Go.  Move On.

Keep in mind that the protection order applies as much to you as to him.  If you reach out to him or respond*, it will weaken the authority of the order.  So #1 is don't respond and don't reach out.  He is what he is, you've discovered you can't change that, so don't try again.  Understand that it is Over, over as in No More Contact.  Ever.

* For example, recall what happened, you kept responding to his claims and it only escalated the incidents.  It didn't help, did it?  As was said in an old movie War Games, The winning move is not to play the game.

[feelingcrazy7832]

Thank you. I absolutely understand I can not and will not have any contact with him, now or ever. Every time over the last three years we got back together I was treated worse and worse after he cried at how  much he had missed me to me and other friends. He even had a picture of us still in a frame in his bedroom when I didn't speak to him for months.

I guess I'm afraid because in one of his rages previously he kept saying "my parents have more money than you and alot of attorneys and we will bury you." His family is just as sick as he is. My ex is going to trial for drug charges at the end of this month and his family will do everything they can to protect and pay for whatever they have to pay for their baby (who is 39 by the way.)

I shouldn't fear what has not happened yet but I see him contesting this thing and costing me a bunch of money. Nothing I put in this PPO is a lie. I mentioned the threats, the history of drug use and history of him getting physical with me but I have no proof of the physical violence because I never called the police when it happened. I do have proof of his text messages telling me he wants me dead and he admitted to my sister that he told me he wanted to slit my throat.

I think he is a very vindictive person when he is hurt. I've seen him go off on some crazy rages. I've seen him be able to manipulate and lie to everyone around him to the point everyone believes he is not the crazy one, then turn around and LOATHE all the people he claimed to love the day prior. It's frightening.

[Matt]

You might want to check around and see if there is an Al-Anon meeting near you - there's probably at least one each week.  Free - you don't have to sign up or anything - just go.

I went and it helped a lot.  It's for people who have someone in their lives (in my case, my adult son) who is an addict.  You'll get a lot of understanding and good ideas for managing your own life.

[ForeverDad]

If it is an ex parte order, then likely there is a hearing scheduled in the near future, probably in a couple weeks, to determine whether the matter has merit and if so then to set the various details.

First... . if ex gets a lawyer, that lawyer will try to get you to minimize the past abuse, to get you to admit you joined in with him in the arguments, etc, anything to make ex look less bad.  Especially be careful when describing your fear around him.  For example, ex's lawyer might try to get you to admit sometimes you weren't afraid around ex and then lawyer would turn to the judge and state, "Your honor, the plaintiff is inconsistent and not really fearful, I move to dismiss the case."  Remember, ex's lawyer will do anything legal or barely legal to get his client off the hook.  Ex's lawyer wasn't hired to ensure justice.

On that theme, even if you don't get a lawyer, perhaps it would be wise to get a consultation with a criminal lawyer and receive pointers on what to say, how to say it and just as importantly what NOT to say.  Or perhaps the court has a DV advocate or aide or referrals to DV agencies who will work with you.

Also, Bill Eddy and Randi Kreger have an excellent handbook, SPLITTING: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder.  We even have a topic on this book in our Book Articles board.  While you aren't married, the advice about courts, legal strategies, legal traps, allegations, counter-allegations, etc is a lifesaver.

Second... . the professionals both in and around the court process won't fight hard for you if they suspect that you and your ex will be regular "revolving door" customers in and out of court regularly.  For example, when you say that there has been conflict off and on over a number of years they could have concern whether it really is over.  Therefore you need to make sure they realize you have Ended the relationship and won't ever relapse back to it.  As in... . Yes, you did stick around thinking the past incidents wouldn't happen again but they did and now you've accepted he won't change for the better and therefore it is Definitely Over and you want him to stay totally out of your life.

Remember, you can't go back or even let him restart communication.  Most pwBPD are slick manipulators and once you've been conned back into communication with him it's a slippery slope back into the old relationship!

[feelingcrazy7832]

There will not be a hearing unless he chooses to fight the PPO. He has 14 days from yesterday to do it. My gut tells me he will but I also have evidence of him telling me he wanted me dead over and over again and he admitted to my own sister he said he wanted to slit my throat as he went on to explain and give himself excuses as to why he would do that. I didn't want to turn this into a court battle but I couldn't use that fear as a way to not do this to end this for good.

Can I prove all of the past instances of physical violence against me? No. I can certainly talk about it in grave detail and when it happened, how, etc but I went back to him each and every time. I knew of his drug use and went back only to watch the relapses. I did put in the PPO I thought after he spent time in jail he would have woken up and clearly after I found drugs on him again I realized this person is never going to change and he's becoming increasingly agitated and threatening and I felt fearful... . which is the truth. Who screams at the top of their lungs that if they see my face they will slit my throat. I don't think I'll ever forget those words. They haunt me. It was evil. This was the person that less than two weeks prior was confessign his undying love to me. So sick.

I just hope I don't have to face this guy in court. I never want to see him again and having to disclose the horrid things that happenned in our relationship is the last thing I feel like doing in a court.

[Matt]

My suggestion would be, relax and wait to see if he fights it.  If not, have no contact with him, and if he violates the PPO, go directly to the police.

If he fights it, you will have a little time to prepare for that hearing.  Gather the evidence you have, and also write out a "narrative" - a list of things that happened, in chronological order, with dates the best you can remember.  "On about 1/1/12 Mr. Ex did such-and-such at my home.  I have an audio recording of that.  On about 2/15/12 Mr. Ex did such-and-such at the McDonalds on Main Street.  I know two people who were there and will be willing to testify to that." etc. - dates, times, what happened, and any evidence you have or could get.

Let that "narrative" be your summary - what you are prepared to give to the judge, or state under oath - this is what happened.  Not many pages - keep it very concise.

Then also assemble all the documentation that is relevant, so when you are in the hearing, if the judge asks, ":)o you have any evidence of that?", you will have it ready - at least three copies, one for the court, one for the other party, and one for you.  (If you have an attorney she can guide you through this much better than me - I'm not an attorney and things are different in different places.)

Finally, remember one key item FD mentioned - fear.  It will help if you say very consistently that you are and were afraid that something would happen to you, or to someone else, or to your property.  "Since last January I have been afraid because of the stuff he has done and said - I'm afraid he will hurt me somehow."  Whatever is your truth - make it clear and consistent and don't back down.  PPOs are largely based on someone's reasonable fear that they might be hurt, not on proof-beyond-a-reasonable-doubt about what has happened.  So if you can make a credible case that you have a reason to be afraid, the PPO will probably hold up.

Finally, one comment about alcoholism, addiction, drug abuse, etc... .

Remember that the judge may herself be a recovering alcoholic or addict.  It's not a crime to be an alcoholic, and courts don't make decisions on that basis.  If you can show that his behavior is illegal or is harmful or threatening to you, that's the key issue (I think).  Continuing (not past) use of illegal drugs, or public drunkenness, or driving while drunk, those might all be relevant.  But the big issue is how his behavior affects you - harms you and makes you afraid - not whether he is abusing drugs.

[angel1234]

Matt and ForeverDad -

To both of you, if you ever have felt that you could give back to a human being due to your own past, I will tell you now that you did hit home and help me. I've posted here and also on a website to deal with drug abuse. Your comments to my posts have really made me realize I need to get my ducks in a row. When I went down to the court house, I just wrote out what I felt was pertinent. When I read your replies, I looked at this PPO and realized I didn't give a fraction of what really happened. What I realized is that thank GOD a year ago I started to keep some documentation on days and times that certain things happened between my ex and I. I wiped it out of my computer but I always back up my computer and I know alot of documentation is there. For example, I rememner reading his "letter of life" to me two years ago that admitted much of his drug abuse and many other things that he did.

[Matt]

Cool - sounds like you have a pretty clear direction... . best wishes!

[angel1234]

I found the document. My god, it is 7 full pages single spaced on a Word document of all the lies he told, when he did drugs, when our fights happened, etc. It was backed up on an external hard drive. I didnt' have the stomach to read it all early this morning before work so I emailed it to myself for later. I read parts of it and it was just as disturbing to know that I took this person back as many times as I did as it is disturbing how sick he is.

[ForeverDad]

If he fights it, you will have a little time to prepare for that hearing.  Gather the evidence you have, and also write out a "narrative" - a list of things that happened, in chronological order, with dates the best you can remember.  "On about 1/1/12 Mr. Ex did such-and-such at my home.  I have an audio recording of that.  On about 2/15/12 Mr. Ex did such-and-such at the McDonalds on Main Street.  I know two people who were there and will be willing to testify to that." etc. - dates, times, what happened, and any evidence you have or could get.

Let that "narrative" be your summary - what you are prepared to give to the judge, or state under oath - this is what happened.  Not many pages - keep it very concise.

Then also assemble all the documentation that is relevant, so when you are in the hearing, if the judge asks, ":)o you have any evidence of that?", you will have it ready - at least three copies, one for the court, one for the other party, and one for you.  (If you have an attorney she can guide you through this much better than me - I'm not an attorney and things are different in different places.)

Judges hear a lot of "he always... . " and "she always... . " and without documented details it is often regarded as hearsay and largely ignored.  For that reason try to record the dates, locations, witnesses and other specifics of the incidents.

Also, judges generally ignore older incidents, viewing them as "stale" or "not actionable".  It may be a little different in your area.  An exception is made to allow older incidents if you're attempting to show a history of poor behaviors.

As stated above, if questioned why you didn't leave earlier, emphasize that you didn't discern the patterns or cycles at first but now that you recognize them you realize accept how unacceptable and inexcusable they are and want them to stop permanently... . which means the relationship and all contact must end.

[Matt]

If he fights it, you will have a little time to prepare for that hearing.  Gather the evidence you have, and also write out a "narrative" - a list of things that happened, in chronological order, with dates the best you can remember.  "On about 1/1/12 Mr. Ex did such-and-such at my home.  I have an audio recording of that.  On about 2/15/12 Mr. Ex did such-and-such at the McDonalds on Main Street.  I know two people who were there and will be willing to testify to that." etc. - dates, times, what happened, and any evidence you have or could get.

Let that "narrative" be your summary - what you are prepared to give to the judge, or state under oath - this is what happened.  Not many pages - keep it very concise.

Then also assemble all the documentation that is relevant, so when you are in the hearing, if the judge asks, ":)o you have any evidence of that?", you will have it ready - at least three copies, one for the court, one for the other party, and one for you.  (If you have an attorney she can guide you through this much better than me - I'm not an attorney and things are different in different places.)

Judges hear a lot of "he always... . " and "she always... . " and without documented details it is often regarded as hearsay and largely ignored.  For that reason try to record the dates, locations, witnesses and other specifics of the incidents.

Also, judges generally ignore older incidents, viewing them as "stale" or "not actionable".  It may be a little different in your area.  An exception is made to allow older incidents if you're attempting to show a history of poor behaviors.

I had hundreds of e-mails, some of them showing extreme behavior and others showing a more moderate pattern of weird thinking, vague accusations, etc.

My lawyer told me, "This judge will only look at a dozen pages max.  Find the few pages of e-mails that make the case most strongly and we'll tell him there are a lot more if he wants to see them."  Neither the Custody Evaluator nor the judge asked for more.

So... . if you can figure out the main points you want to make, like maybe "He accuses me of stuff I didn't do.", "He makes threatening comments." etc. - find e-mails that support those points, so somebody reading through them would come to those conclusions.  Set aside any that aren't as clear.

[angel1234]

Unfortunately almost all of our old emails I had deleted a long time ago. I didn't want to keep reading them. I wish more than anything I still had all those. The 7 page document is my own notes. Thanks for all the pointers. I suppose I could call our IT department and see if they back this stuff up. I'm sure they do. The majority of emails between the two of us tht were crazy were sent to my work email becuase he knew I couldn't block him there.

Great pointers. I'm going to start working on the document tonight when my daughter goes to bed.

[Waddams]

I believe it's actually Federal law that public companies (ie - companies that are owned by publicly traded stock owners) have to have a way of keeping all emails forever.  Not sure about all companies period though.  I think that went through when all the Enron/public accounting scandal stuff went down and the Sarbanes-Oxley Act was passed.  My employer at the time was a big, publicly traded company and we had to jump through all kinds of hoops to get into compliance.  The email backup was one of the things they put in.