UBPDbf's holiday craziness

[toomanyeggshells]

Well, I'm definitely on this board now.  This past week was the worst in 4 years.  UBPDbf was completely out of control due to my visiting adult daughter, a family party that included my ex-H and other "normal" things that a person does during the holidays with family and friends. 

There was a crazy incident of physical abuse against me by him 2 days ago but I'm still at the house we share.  I should have left that night and not come back because now he's all sorry and telling me he loves me.  I call BS on that.  I can't stand the sight of him. 

He also had a relatively calm (for him) conversation with my D27 explaining why he wouldn't permit an engagement party in the house uBPDbf and I co-own because I wanted her father (my x-H) and his family to be there and uBPDbf insists that ex's should never do anything together, even for their kids. 

The whole situation is absurd.  I don't even know why I'm posting because I know that I have to leave.  I know my D27 won't ever want to stay at my house again when visiting.  That's reason enough to leave, forget about everything else.  He screamed at me, calling me names, etc., and she heard it all.  He's also done that when my D24 visited. 

I've always told myself that if he acted out in front of my kids, that was it.  No going back, and I'm still there.  Seriously, I think I'm now as crazy as he is.  I don't love him.  The thought of even sitting next to him on the couch makes me feel ill.  But I feel sorry for him, and I know that's no reason to ruin the rest of my life. 

My D27 can't understand why I let him talk to me like that.  Telling her I ignore it doesn't cut it.  She can't stand the fact that I'm in this situation and if it was her, I'd go through hell or high water to drag her out.  I know that's what she wants to do with me.  I just want to scream!  He's made my life hell and I have to just be honest and get the hell out of that house. 

[Lucky Jim]

Hi toomanyeggshells, Sorry to hear what you've been through in the past week.  When you relate that there was a "crazy incident of physical abuse against me" then I would suggest that you need help to take steps to get out of an abusive situation, which is not OK for you.  Do you have friends or family who can help you through the process?  Being in a r/s with a pwBPD can be incredibly isolating so I think it helps to reach out to others who can give you a reality check.  It's hard to move on, I know, but you deserve to be happy.  Lucky Jim

[fromheeltoheal]

The Holidays are good in the way they exaggerate all emotions, a stressful time for everyone, so maybe this past season accelerated what would have happened anyway?  I went on a cruise with my ex and her kids at the end of our relationship, and it is now abundantly clear to me why some people jump off cruise ships into the ocean; it was a week of floating hell and I now credit it with putting a swift end to an ugly situation.

I'm sorry your daughter was exposed to that, although maybe that's the good news.  Time and again we hear how awesome the facade a borderline puts on is, how the only ones who see the dark side are intimately close, and others can't or won't believe what you tell them about the behaviors.  Now you've got an ally who understands, which will help as you remove him from your life.

You've got some work to do since you live together and own the house together, but your kids and us are on your side.  Take care of you!

[toomanyeggshells]

Do you have friends or family who can help you through the process?  Being in a r/s with a pwBPD can be incredibly isolating so I think it helps to reach out to others who can give you a reality check.  It's hard to move on, I know, but you deserve to be happy. 

Thanks Lucky Jim for your kind words.  Its such a hard, awful time right now.  Its so much worse than its been.  I do have family and friends that would take me in, but I hesitate to do that.  I just feel like I can't impose on people - I got myself into this mess and I'll get myself out on my own.  I'm kind of taking it minute by minute for the last few days.  Not quite sure where its heading but I'm trying to hold on to my sanity.

The Holidays are good in the way they exaggerate all emotions, a stressful time for everyone, so maybe this past season accelerated what would have happened anyway?

He goes off the rails every time my kids come to visit, holidays or otherwise.  He wants nothing to do with my family any time thru the year and when my kids visit, he wants me to not spend time with them and stay home with him.  They live 1000 and 3000 miles away from me so I want to spend every minute with them that I can, and he is invited to every function that we go to.  I really don't think that its asking too much. 

I'm sorry your daughter was exposed to that, although maybe that's the good news.  Time and again we hear how awesome the facade a borderline puts on is, how the only ones who see the dark side are intimately close, and others can't or won't believe what you tell them about the behaviors.  Now you've got an ally who understands, which will help as you remove him from your life.

You make a very good point, from heeltoheal.  I know my daughter won't let this go since she heard how he yells at me.  My kids didn't grow up like that - with that kind of drama and craziness in our house.  UBPDbf's kids did though.  They're used to it and have also heard him scream at me and call me names.  He thinks that its an acceptable way for people to behave.  Clearly, I do not.

[Lucky Jim]

Hello again, toomany, No, I meant people you can rely on for support to help you get through it, not people who will put you up.

when my kids visit, he wants me to not spend time with them and stay home with him.

This is  classic behavior from a pwBPD, due to deep insecurities and fear of abandonment.  My Ex would do anything to prevent me from seeing family and/or friends, manipulating me through FOG until I became aware of how isolated I had become and took steps to change the dynamic.

Hang in there,

Lucky Jim

[toomanyeggshells]

Hello again, toomany, No, I meant people you can rely on for support to help you get through it, not people who will put you up.

Actually there are alot of people I can rely on.  Almost everyone who knows me knows at least part of the situation.  No matter how much he tries to isolate me, I haven't let him.  I still see family and friends even though he puts up a heck of a fight. 

[Lucky Jim]

Hi toomany, Great!  Glad you are continuing to see family and friends.  I was quite isolated for a while there by my BPDxW, who made it extremely difficult for me to see others by using FOG.  The problem with isolation is that it leads to a loss of perspective, so don't let it happen!  LG

[Waifed]

Hello again, toomany, No, I meant people you can rely on for support to help you get through it, not people who will put you up.

when my kids visit, he wants me to not spend time with them and stay home with him.

This is  classic behavior from a pwBPD, due to deep insecurities and fear of abandonment.  My Ex would do anything to prevent me from seeing family and/or friends, manipulating me through FOG until I became aware of how isolated I had become and took steps to change the dynamic.

Hang in there,

Lucky Jim

My ex was afraid to meet my kids (9) and (15).  I fought with her for 3 years.  She met my son twice and never would meet my daughter.  She was scared to death of her because of the connection with my ex wife I guess.