Now I'm being hurtful...

[State85]

So now I’m being hurtful to my exgf. Imagine that. For her birthday, while we were still in a r/s, I bought her some gift cards. When I tried to give them to her, she wouldn’t take them. Since then we have broken up, but she still wants the cards. I have tried to give them to her on 3 different occasions, and she still wouldn’t take them. Her reason being that she had to ask for them, that I should have given them to her on my own, and I should not mail them to her because that would be rude.

She thinks I should deliver them to her in person…... What the heck. There’s no way I was going to do that. So last Friday I mailed them. Well I get a phone call from her this morning blasting me because I mailed them. Saying that it was hurtful that I mailed them, and didn’t take them to her in person.

I had to post this because it seems that it is either a controlling thing for her, telling me how I had to get them to her….or, she was making it as difficult as possible.

Also, this should be the last connection I have to her, I’ve told her that. That when she gets them, that is it…nothing else ties us together. I really hope she tells her new boyfriend(s) how this went down. If I was them I would ask why she was even contacting me (her ex), and why she would want them delivered in person by me (her ex). Sounds oddly familiar to some of the crap she pulled on me when we were in a r/s….always keeping her ex’s in the picture.

But I was being hurtful to her by mailing them….this fails in comparison to the 2.5 years of abuse, pain, and hurt I went through!

[fromheeltoheal]

Also, this should be the last connection I have to her, I’ve told her that. That when she gets them, that is it…nothing else ties us together.

It's in your best interest to make sure this is the last.  There are no rules and trust is broken both ways at the end of a relationship with a borderline, and you, like me, might find yourself acting in ways you don't like, caught up in the crazytrain.  Think about thinking back to now in six months; you'll feel better then if you detach with integrity and don't do anything you'll regret or feel guilty about later.  If your relationship was anything like mine, a lot of negative emotion will come bubbling up in response to all the abuse you've endured, and add that to borderline craziness and nothing good can come of it.  Time to shift the focus 100% to you.  Take care of you!

[myself]

I agree with fromheeltoheal. Spot on as usual 

The worst of it is that my ex, like so many others, sees things the opposite of how they really are. She abused me, but tells herself it was me who hurt her. She felt bad, so I was supposed to feel bad. She was looking for a scapegoat more than a partner. It sucks she makes herself see me as someone I'm not. She lost someone who was good with her. When the trust is gone, so is the relationship.

We don't have to live their stories. We have our own.

[fromheeltoheal]

She was looking for a scapegoat more than a partner.

Yes!  Great distinction myself; the way a borderline is wired the only role you can play in their head is that of scapegoat, since their unstable sense of self, lack of ability to self soothe, fear of abandonment, and shame and self loathing make that the only possibility that even halfway makes sense within the pathology.

[State85]

I agree.

I know that trying to figure out what they are thinking is futile. But there is no way I was going to take her these cards in person. If she is constantly painting me black, why would she want to see me. If it was me, I would not want to see a person that I believed to be so mean and non-caring. Which is how she depicted me.

myself

I was abused as well. But my exgf justified it, saying I provoked it and deserved it. She equated her abuse of me (verbal and physical) to me neglecting her. I did not neglect her at all. I did not take her around my friends or family, which may be neglect in her eyes, but the reason is because my friends and family could not stand her after what she had been doing to me.

[fromheeltoheal]

If she is constantly painting me black, why would she want to see me.

There's a book on the disorder called "I Hate you, Don't Leave Me".  Pretty much sums up the chaos between their ears.

[Mazda]

She wants to see you to fill her need.  They are sick and twisted.  Learning about BPD makes you realise all he games they play and how innate it is.  Yuck yuck yuck run away.

[love4meNOTu]

When the trust is gone, so is the relationship.

Not trying to be argumentative here, but I don't believe my xhwBPD ever trusted me.

Why he married me when he did not trust me is a conundrum. I would never marry someone I didn't trust. Guess that's why they are hypervigilant about us and our activities, especially when the relationship becomes serious. No trust.

And the natural assumption follows here... no trust = no love. That means that love never truly existed. I am beginning to accept that now.

L

[fromheeltoheal]

Not trying to be argumentative here, but I don't believe my xhwBPD ever trusted me.

Why he married me when he did not trust me is a conundrum. I would never marry someone I didn't trust. Guess that's why they are hypervigilant about us and our activities, especially when the relationship becomes serious. No trust.

And the natural assumption follows here... no trust = no love. That means that love never truly existed. I am beginning to accept that now.

The core of borderline personality disorder is a fear of abandonment, and a borderline is convinced you will leave, because everyone leaves.  He was convinced of that before he met you, and any protestations to the contrary from you he perceives as lies.  And then of course the behavior drives us away, so it becomes a self fulfilling prophesy.  Marriage to a borderline is not the sacred union we consider it to be, it's a soothe device; maybe there's a little less chance you'll leave if we're married, not much less, but maybe just a little.