Can you make sense of this?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I was busy yesterday so couldn't talk, but had 6 missed calls from the ex & an anwser phone message saying can you call me back when you can, I want to have a chat.

So, I try calling back today, and she's blocked me. I left an awnser phone message and there's been no reply.

Why say you want to chat, then disappear again?

[Eric1]

I was busy yesterday so couldn't talk, but had 6 missed calls from the ex & an anwser phone message saying can you call me back when you can, I want to have a chat.

So, I try calling back today, and she's blocked me. I left an awnser phone message and there's been no reply.

Why say you want to chat, then disappear again?

[Perfidy]

Anybody's guess? Ill guess... She's just checking to see if you grew a pair yet. She's yanking your chain. I burned the bridge. Haven't had a single problem with her since. Not what I wanted. What I needed. I feel so much better. You don't have to respond. I don't. It's good.

[Spartan999]

No need to do any over the top analysis... . once you've already been formally discarded,  and only remnants of contact remain... . You are no longer going to be idealized EVER again,  so forget that fantasy.    She more than likely had a temporary weak moment that most likely HAD NOTHING to do with you,  but for that moment, that brief window of time,  she slipped and reached out to use you.    Once her 'emergency' passed as they day went on,  her mood probably shifted drastically,  and she probably felt shame for her original attempts to contact you.

My ex contacted me on 3 different occasions months apart,  and is becoming more clear,  each one was immediately after rebounds dissolved and she had some additional frustrations that had come about... . but each time, the dialogue lasted extremely brief... . and once her mood lifted, she cut me and the dialog off like flipping a light switch.  The dialogue dropped like a bag of rocks.              As an internet article states "dont reply to any emails or text messages, etc... and DO NOT respond to her  'emergencies!'... .  It won't win her back, or make her think more highly of you... . Besides, the crisis WILL blow over very shortly;  by the time you get back to her,  she's onto something else" ... .  

Painful reality of a true borderlines behavior,  try to find logic in it and you'll go mad.     Hundreds of posts,  hundreds of stories.   It's a clinical fact.    Ive read your other posts,  so I'm certain if you re-read them,  you'll see the facts of what to expect have already been pointed out numerous times and the results as well.   I hope you find peace,  I hope I find peace... . because I know I would have texted back,  taking that crumb.   Losing my dignity once more.       Good luck

[Eric1]

The thing is, we spoke a few days ago. She found out I had been dating someone and really wasn't happy about it. I told her that she shouldn't be concerned as she was seeing someone & if they were happy, then I should be insignificant. She said she wasn't happy.

We've tried blocking each other, but I said to her that doesn't work because she still calls & was calling from her new work phone.

She said she wanted to talk, now she is ignoring me. I just want to know what she wanted to talk about, I'm intrigued.

[Mazda]

Don't fall for the bait.  She is testing the waters to see if you are still available to her.  They feed off of us to fill their void until they have sucked you dry.  She just wants to see how much more you will take.  This is all a game, she probably knows you well enough to know this behaviour will bother you.  Ignore, ignore, ignore.

[Spartan999]

Understood ... . sadly, so would I ... feel free to update us when you find out an explanation... .  once again,  it may fit right into the pattern thats already long been established, and the short term motives patterend as well.

[Eric1]

Well, she just texted... .

Sorry I can't speak to you anymore I only rang to say that. I hope you're ok and that you stay happy

Mental.

[Perfidy]

That translates to " forget it he finally called"

[State85]

My ex contacted me on 3 different occasions months apart,  and is becoming more clear,  each one was immediately after rebounds dissolved and she had some additional frustrations that had come about... . but each time, the dialogue lasted extremely brief... . and once her mood lifted, she cut me and the dialog off like flipping a light switch.  The dialogue dropped like a bag of rocks.              As an internet article states "dont reply to any emails or text messages, etc... and DO NOT respond to her  'emergencies!'... .  It won't win her back, or make her think more highly of you... . Besides, the crisis WILL blow over very shortly;  by the time you get back to her,  she's onto something else" ... .  

This is excellent advice. Twice in the past 2 months my exgf has contacted me with so called emergencies.

Emergency 1, She is about to lose her house, her car, has only $20 in her checking account, and no milk in the refrigerator for her boys. I was very limited in response to these text messages, and therefore, got texts from her saying I don’t care, I’m not a Christian, etc., etc., etc. Since then, this “emergency” has not been brought up again.

Emergency 2, She has some type of medical condition (which I will not elaborate on), which may or may not have been true. I didn’t respond to her texts, and therefore, got the typical “you don’t care” texts from her. This condition has not been brought up since in subsequent voice mails and texts to me.

I believe it was all manipulation…….If it was so important, she could call her new boyfriend(s), not me.

[sadinnc98]

Fishing/testing the waters, etc... . so very typical BPD behavior... mine has done similar stuff. I know its easier said than done, but, NC is soo the way to go. I KNOW the only way I will EVER get out of mine (unless I catch him red handed) is to go NC... . I am strong then he reaches out, I get weak and give in... . Many times once I give in... . then he pulls back again bc he knows Im there. Vicious cycle

[Eric1]

She said we need to block again & that it's not right or fair when we talk.

Well, she was the one that instigated the talks! Even after I blocked her.

[strikeforce]

She said we need to block again & that it's not right or fair when we talk.

Well, she was the one that instigated the talks! Even after I blocked her.

Takes two to tango 

[Eric1]

She said we need to block again & that it's not right or fair when we talk.

Well, she was the one that instigated the talks! Even after I blocked her.

Takes two to tango 

I know.

I think that she has ruined any chance of my having a healthy relationship. I've been seeing an attractive girl who is lovely, but I just don't feel that connection.

[strikeforce]

She said we need to block again & that it's not right or fair when we talk.

Well, she was the one that instigated the talks! Even after I blocked her.

Takes two to tango 

I know.

I think that she has ruined any chance of my having a healthy relationship. I've been seeing an attractive girl who is lovely, but I just don't feel that connection.

You need to get to a point where she is completely out of your life and get the strength in you to not respond. Its going to take time to feel connections again but it will come.

First things first - moving on 100%

[Eric1]

I don't think I'll ever move on. I'm broken goods.

She treated me like hit, manipulated me, lied, cheated, hit & raged. Yet there's still parts that I haven't found in someone else.

[Eric1]

I'm going to need to change my number. I've blocked her in the passed and she's still managed to call me, from withheld numbers.

I still love her and i'm not detaching.

[arn131arn]

I'm going to need to change my number. I've blocked her in the passed and she's still managed to call me, from withheld numbers.

I still love her and i'm not detaching.

Eric,

It is hard to detach.  One minute I feel strong and the other I feel weak.  I find my weaker moments are when I hear or see or go out and actually try to find info (FB) on her and my replacement.

It's a trigger, and I made a commitment to not check her FB, told family and friends not to tell me about her.  Her calling you had your heart racing, anxiety through the roof, I know because I've been there.  Hopes, dreams, everything you thought the RS stood for is all expectations.

When my expectations about my ex rise, I have learned through experience that I am always let down.  I was with  her for 14 years and always let down.  Take your number off the market and get a new one... the end... . game over. 

I have a son (8) with my ex, and I don't plan on talking to her for at least a year.  I can't do it.  NOt because I want to punish her, but because I don't want to be a victim of her abuse anymore.  That is someone else's problem.  It's a new year, a new beginning, take yourself back, and focus on you

Arn

[Eric1]

Thanks, Arn.

Both of us have been just as bad as each other. We've both kept each other at arms length. I instigated the blocking last time, but she still managed to break it. Blocking doesn't work. It hurts knowing that she doesn't want to speak to me anymore, but its for the best.

I'm gonna call her later, and just say goodbye & that i'll be changing my number. I expect her to try to call in the future, and i want her to know why she will never be able to reach me again.

[arn131arn]

Thanks, Arn.

Both of us have been just as bad as each other. We've both kept each other at arms length. I instigated the blocking last time, but she still managed to break it. Blocking doesn't work. It hurts knowing that she doesn't want to speak to me anymore, but its for the best.

I'm gonna call her later, and just say goodbye & that i'll be changing my number. I expect her to try to call in the future, and i want her to know why she will never be able to reach me again.

Why do you think you need to tell her anything, Eric?

Poof... . vanish... . be gone.


Are you maybe trying to manipulate the "game"?  I've tried that, it doesn't work, they have a doctorate in manipulation.

Just vanish... . radio silence

[Clearmind]

Well, she just texted... .

Sorry I can't speak to you anymore I only rang to say that. I hope you're ok and that you stay happy

Mental.

Its pretty typical passive aggressive behaviour Eric.

I'm gonna call her later, and just say goodbye & that i'll be changing my number. I expect her to try to call in the future, and i want her to know why she will never be able to reach me again.

Eric, calling her to say you won't call again is pretty much what she just did. Step back and look after yourself. She is not winning - let it go.

[Eric1]

Just gonna tell her i want to be with her. Why lie.

[laelle]

Because you did not give her an answer soon enough, she no longer considers you "deserving" of her offer.  At least until she "needs" you again anyway.

Been there, done that... . got the T-shirt!

[arn131arn]

Just gonna tell her i want to be with her. Why lie.

Eric, check my posts.  About this time yesterday I was going to have my family or friends call her and ask her if she would go to couple's counseling with me.

Eric, MY EX IS CURRENTLY SLEEPING IN ANOTHER MAN'S BED!

Sit on your hands, chop them off, put your phone in the dishwasher and turn it on, just don't call her, bro.

Tomorrow you WILL feel better, and IF not, I gaurantee you the next day you will.

[laelle]

She treated me like hit, manipulated me, lied, cheated, hit & raged.

Just gonna tell her i want to be with her. Why lie.

Why do you want to be with someone like this?  :)o you dislike yourself so much?

[Eric1]

I honestly don't believe i'll have the same connection with someone. I know people say she was just mirroring me, but i haven't found someone who i was that attracted to and felt that bond with. Obviously i put up with a lot of crap.

I wish i never met her.

[laelle]

Do you feel that at your current state of grieving that you are capable of "dating" someone else?  It is normal that you cant "connect" to another because you are still "connected" to her.  That doesnt mean that you are meant to be, only that you are a loving human being and cared about her.  It does NOT prove her worth of that love.

Give yourself some time before dating.  You are not ready, and it isnt fair to you or the woman that you meet.  You are not emotionally available... . it is normal for someone who has been through hell and is now grieving a loss.  :)ating isnt a good idea for the moment.

Go easy on yourself would ya?

[strikeforce]

I felt the same way after me and my ex first split up. After just one month of complete NC I am moving on.

But the danger will be: How do I react if she ever contacts again?

You say you want her back and then you say you wish you had never met her.

Your mind is completely trashed my friend. You need to stop all communication with her. Change your number, suspend your Facebook for a month or so.

Your obviously a decent guy for putting up with so much, you deserve better and in time you will get someone better, but not unless you are able to cut the rope and sail on.

[Changingman]

I don't think I'll ever move on. I'm broken goods.

She treated me like hit, manipulated me, lied, cheated, hit & raged. Yet there's still parts that I haven't found in someone else.

I really want to get angry with you!

She has woven a poisoned spell around you, aren't you getting your fix of abuse from someone else Snow White?

you are going to need time, I'm still messed up but much, much better. Demons they are.

sorry man, love to you... . BUT

You don't have to be this person she has made you... .

OBEY ME!

No

Breath it in, feel it, become yourself... .

[FindingMe2011]

Just gonna tell her i want to be with her. Why lie.

Eric,

  How do you get 400 posts deep, and still ask questions, that with very little effort on this site, can be answered? You cant fit logic into crazy.  This statement above is nothing but bargaining. Lets just say she takes your offer. This rekindled dysfunctional r/s, will start just where it left off, with her on a pedestal. The same results will happen. She will not have a  moment, and change her ways. In order for one to change, they must suffer through the abandonment depression, to get to the acceptance. Borderlines or those with strong traits, cant do this with a part time self. The perception to them is extinction... . You need to understand, this has nothing to do with her, except that she is your trigger. You would be kinder to yourself, to start asking questions like, Why am I attracted to these type of people ?... . You seem to be just touching this abandonment depression, and get to another subject.(her, and her issues could probably fill a lifetime. The hamster wheel of pain, the perfect scenario for a low self esteem, fixer as yourself.)... . This is what I see. You have an opportunity to grow (become more emotionally mature) if you do this correctly, and process this in a healthy way. Its a leap of faith, and something you have most likely never done. Feeling this depression, is the only way. Head on, and by yourself, and as long as no self harming comes into play, all is good, even though it doesnt seem this way... You can only cry so long, and it too will pass. You can only be angry, for so long. You cant think your way through life, you need a balance. Another person will not do this for you, and i would really have to question an individuals motives, and state of mind, to want (its most likely a need) to be in a r/s, with you right now, and the same goes for you... . You can continue to self torture, as you always have, or you can do something different. As long as you relate this pain to her, stuck is where you will remain. Associate this pain with your FOO, and you will be doing yourself a greater justice... . Its a journey, not a sprint. Accepting the fact you may have learned something wrong as a child, that has set yourself up for these type of r/s, could go a long way, and puts the focus where it belongs, ON YOU... . I wish you well,  PEACE     

[FindingMe2011]

I honestly don't believe i'll have the same connection with someone. I know people say she was just mirroring me, but i haven't found someone who i was that attracted to and felt that bond with. Obviously i put up with a lot of crap.

I wish i never met her.

If you do ever feel this type of connection with another, this quickly, I suggest you run like hell. You both made this r/s something it wasnt. You have narcissistic thinking, in this statement... . You know people say she is just mirroring you, yet you dont BELIEVE it. There is a difference between reading something and believing something. I had to read things, what seemed like hundreds of times, before it truly sunk in... . To say " I wish I never met her.", is just your way of playing the victim role. This is wide spread on this site, and will only keep you stuck. Your choice... . I wish you well,... . PEACE