Can you make sense of this?

[Pretty Woman]

Eric, I know how painful this is.  Believe me. I still love my ex but that love has changed. I love her in a "caring" way, not romantic.

Do you want romance? Do you want someone to want and love you as much as you do them?

That's the thing. She will never meet your needs.  You want her back deep down knowing this. What the other posters are saying may sound like tough love, or harsh but you are willing to sacrifice your happiness and desires for someone who does not have the capacity to love you the way you need her to.

This is not fair to you at all and you really do need to love yourself more.

My ex is up on dating sites now. I read her profile which I admit hurt me. She described what she is looking for. I told a friend and my friend said, "Pretty Woman, she is describing YOU".

She had what she is looking for. This isn't about US. This is bigger than us.

I know it's hard meeting someone else. I am in a FWB situation right now. This woman is a good friend and I trust her completely. I don't recommend this for everyone but I will say it has made me feel more attractive and better about myself. I am happier. As you get happier things DO get better. But NC is the key. Mine cut me out so that has made it easier. YOU are the only one that can change things. All we want here is for you to be happy.

She will never be happy. That is HER life. Don't live her life, it will only leave you circling the drain.

[Eric1]

I really need time with NC, the longest we've gone is 4 weeks, untill she breaks it.

I'm gonna change my number, once and for all. I need to get the idea of her out of my head. I know deep down i could never sustain a relationship with her. She said to me when we last spoke "As soon as something in the relationship goes wrong, i panic and qeustion whether i should be with that person. I don't know why any one would want to be with me"

She pretty much says all thats wrong, she knows how she is isn't right.

I think part is I thought we would marry & have kids. You get these images of how your life would be, maybe you're right, i thought things would change and i was the person to make it happen. How wrong i was.

[Tincup]

Eric-I am right there with you and I know how you feel, but there has been some great advice on this thread that I am using as well.  I think my problem is when I start thinking about the beautiful smile and seemingly normal side of my ex, not the passive aggressive, illogical side where I it was like a chess match all the time to keep her from getting mad for no reason... . I am NC, and while hard as hell I did have a friend tell me the other day "welcome back".  I didn't understand what she meant, and she said that I am getting back to normal.  I realized I am starting to feel better and look better, but I do still have a void from my ex that will take more time to heal.

I also met a really nice lady, but my reactions to her a couple of times told me I was NOT ready to see anyone.  I think for me it will take some more time.  I have a hard time taking time for ME as it is always about other people.  It is time to put US first in a healthy way. 

[Pearl55]

Well, she just texted... .

Sorry I can't speak to you anymore I only rang to say that. I hope you're ok and that you stay happy

Mental.

She knows you are happy without her because she knows that she's mental!

[Starlight607]

Thanks folks I am in the same boat! All these messages are helping me to accept I must not respond to any future texts and one day I will be ready for a new relationship.

[sadinnc98]

I really need time with NC, the longest we've gone is 4 weeks, untill she breaks it.

I'm gonna change my number, once and for all. I need to get the idea of her out of my head. I know deep down i could never sustain a relationship with her. She said to me when we last spoke "As soon as something in the relationship goes wrong, i panic and qeustion whether i should be with that person. I don't know why any one would want to be with me"

She pretty much says all thats wrong, she knows how she is isn't right.

I think part is I thought we would marry & have kids. You get these images of how your life would be, maybe you're right, i thought things would change and i was the person to make it happen. How wrong i was.

My ex says/said the same exact stuff... almost exact words. And I, like you, thought I would be the one to change things and make them better... . also very very wrong.

[sun seeker]

   Hey all.

  We've all been in this persons shoes at some point.  I was having such a bad day today, until I read this thread. I need  constant reminding of the crap i was accepting in my life and  what I MUST do. And thats staying N/C. I have been N/C for about 7 weeks. Im starting to feel like myself again. Life is SOO much better now, still rough at times. No where near as rough if i was still in contact.  Thank you so much to all... .

[Aussie0zborn]

Eric. Eric. Eric... . welcome back, its been a while.

Should I start too or have you read enough?

If you were seeing a counsellor, lets say a one hour session weekly, it would take you years to get what you're getting in a very short space of time from the people on this forum. And you're getting a profound insight into BPD for free not to mention the free advice too - advice from people who have experienced what you have. It would take you a lifetime to get that experience yourself and here it all is in one post.

Be smart Eric, and re-read every answer to this post, put it together and use it to your benefit. You have answered your own questions many times with various posts and many times in just one post. Nobody is suggesting anything that will harm you in the least and I would like to think that you know that. Please accept that is it frustrating to sit back and watch a tragedy unfold before our very eyes, especially when you sound like such a nice guy.

[cowl022]

Dont contact her ever again. She is only using you/testing the waters to see if you are there, so she can recycle you whenever its conveniant. Dont be a chump. You need to go "no contact". I went through the exact same thing. I conducted an expirament with my ex BPD gf. I told her about this girl who was flirting

With me, but I totally blew it out of proportion. I did this a few days after she told me she wanted nothing to do with me... . well all of the sudden she started talking about that she wanted to fight this so called person. They are selfish and do things out of conveniance.  You should ignore, ignore, ignore, and go no contact. Believe me... . she will only end up hurting you.

[State85]

Eric

From your original post it seems you are asking why she contacted you then went NC. I'm thinking the same thing with my exgf. I was so used to her trying to contact me either by text or phone, I liked it, cause it meant she was still thinking about me. Now, I hear nothing from her and my mind races as to why.

This is WRONG... . after being on these boards for a while now, I realize she doesn't care or hurt like I am right now... . probably never did when we were in a r/s. She is waiting me out... . seeing if I will engage next, or she is currently getting attention from someone else. I will not engage first, and give her that satisfaction... . it is a war, I will win... . secondly, I will not be part of her band of exes that follow her around on social media and constantly text/call her waiting for their chance to be with her. Mine thrives on that attention, that acknowledgement... . Do not give that control back to her!

[Eric1]

If I’m honest, I managed to sum it up last night.

I'm not opening up to the idea of being with new people or committing because in my mind, I’m keeping myself available for when the ex returns. I still haven't changed my number because if I do, then if she does try to contact, she wouldn't be able to.

All the advice on here is brilliant, but there's no point in my lying. That’s how I feel at the moment.

Maybe I do need to see a professional.

[arn131arn]

Eric,

I am seeing my P on Friday. This is my 1st appointment since I went NC 3 weeks ago.  There is nothing wrong with it.

Just realize that the pain you are in now, WILL manifest itself again the next time, and the next, and the next, etc, etc, etc.

How many times have you been recycled if you don't mind me asking?

Arn

[Eric1]

We've broke up 4 times. She recently came back in the last two months, just to disappear again.

[laelle]

It is perfectly normal to feel as you do now... .   This is why everyone stresses that it is SO FREAKING HARD to do. It is Pain.  The times when you squirm the most are the time when you learn the most about yourself.  You can do this.  No one deserves to be repeatedly abandoned, manipulated, cheated on and emotionally destroyed.

At this point in time you have to tell your heart to aim that sympathy towards yourself, and use your head to lead you through this.  Your heart is weak and vulnerable.

Be your best friend and dig yourself out of this hole.

[babyducks]

I’m keeping myself available for when the ex returns. I still haven't changed my number because if I do, then if she does try to contact, she wouldn't be able to.

Hi Eric,

If that is how you feel, being honest about it is a good thing.   I get in trouble when I don't acknowledge my gut feelings and try to stuff them.

Feelings aren't facts, they don't often fit into convenient little boxes, they are frequently annoying, almost always untimely.   

Of course we don't have to act on our feelings,  we can sit with them for a little while and see how life pans out.

I am sure you have read on this website, we aren't done until we are done.   Only you can know when you are done. 

For me I think there are stages of done.   Maybe that's why ending a r/s like this is so difficult.  There are so many stages of done to work through.

One thought does occur though Eric,   you are not the same person you were 2 months ago.  You are working your way through a process.   She, most likely, is not.  If she comes back you are going to see her through the filter of all you have learned here.   You can't forget all the stories and postings you have read here. 

Hang in there.   I know this hurts.

'ducks

[arn131arn]

It is perfectly normal to feel as you do now... .   This is why everyone stresses that it is SO FREAKING HARD to do. It is Pain.  The times when you squirm the most are the time when you learn the most about yourself.  You can do this.  No one deserves to be repeatedly abandoned, manipulated, cheated on and emotionally destroyed.

At this point in time you have to tell your heart to aim that sympathy towards yourself, and use your head to lead you through this.  Your heart is weak and vulnerable.

Be your best friend and dig yourself out of this hole.

Wise woman here Eric, I suggest you listen to her and others on this board.  She has helped me the past week.  I am getting stronger, bro.  Was ready to give in and go crazy and call her two nights ago and ask her to go to couple's counseling.

She is in someone else's bed right now so that would have been a pretty feeble attempt to make things work, huh?  

Stay strong commit to NC and commit to yourself... . Only you have the power to make YOU happy

[Take2]

After reading thru all three pages of this thread, I have to ask... .   did you call her?  are you ok?

I have totally been there thru this pain many more than four times and agree that only you will know when you are done.  Whether it's 4 posts or 4,000 posts, I think we know that it's not good for us, that we shouldn't continue to interact with someone, anyone who causes us so much pain but we do have our own issues that truly need to be resolved in order for us to ever realize that we can move forward to be the stronger, healthier person who is inside - that person will find a connection with a healthy person.  A partner who will not abuse us, who will not cheat on us, will not lie to us, will not manipulate us, will not control us.  WE need to become that healthy person first... .   so that we can then be ready to meet the right partner.  We can keep running from ourselves or we can finally face it... .   only you know when you will be ready... .  

[Eric1]

No, haven't called her. As much as i want to speak to her & tell her how i feel, it'll fall on deaf ears.

[FindingMe2011]

If I’m honest, I managed to sum it up last night. 

This statement holds more power than you can imagine. It was my experience, that the more I did this, the more in tune, I became with my emotions. As I did this, floods of emotions, came pouring out. It was over whelming. I learned to fragment the emotions, to deal with one at a time, and feel it ALL the way through. Allow wise mind to make decisions (conscious), not emotional mind (subconscious). Be more aware of your reactions, thoughts, and feelings. There were times that I couldnt even name the emotion I was feeling. You have an opportunity to re learn some things. Take a leap of faith, and believe in YOU. Its scary, but rest assure, you have plenty of support... . Most importantly, understand your truth should, and will change many times... . This is what healing is all about. Tough, but within reach.

I'm not opening up to the idea of being with new people or committing because in my mind, I’m keeping myself available for when the ex returns.   

I, just as many on here, had this thought. I changed this to " Im not going to get involved in another romantic r/s, until I get myself straight. After I detach, I will then reevaluate my position with ex, and make a decision then, If the r/s is still available to me." Expect ANYTHING from ex, and nothing should surprise you. Her behavior, and lack of respect for my wishes, showed me plenty. It wasnt long, that I knew she wasnt my key to happiness. Sad but true.

I still haven't changed my number because if I do, then if she does try to contact, she wouldn't be able to.   

If you really want to heal, and become more whole, you will have to cross the line. The point of no return, to your healing. For me, the ex bombarded me with contact attempts, as I went NC. She wouldnt back off. I finally popped, and went off on her, a few times. I understood I was painting myself black, but it really was the only way I could put enough space between us, for me to heal... . those that are sick, dont want others around them to become healthy. She will come at you. Just as she always has. Notice how her NEEDS come to the forefront, they are not WANTS... . When others make decisions, that effects our lives. We sometimes have to make decisions, for our own self preservation... . You have taken care of others long enough, now its time to take care of YOU. You cant truly take care of others, if you cant take care of yourself. Being someones whipping post, is enabling them, not helping them.

All the advice on here is brilliant, but there's no point in my lying. That’s how I feel at the moment.

Classic victim role, and your choice with this statement... . Break the cycle that runs through your head, only you have the power to do this.

Maybe I do need to see a professional. 

If you think this will help, then go for it... . In the end, it will come down to YOU. You have opportunity to come out the other side, a better person... . or stay locked in your misery, your choice... . I wish you well, PEACE