Trying to make sense of the latest situation.

[Southern_Belle]

I've been out of town visiting family (and enjoying myself!). E, my BPDbf (we live together) has been home. He gets a bit agitated when I'm gone for a while. I should mention that he's been in therapy and in DBT for a few months now. It has helped and he seems to have gained some insight into dealing with his problems.

Last night I called and he was happy to talk to me. We had an enjoyable chat. Towards the latter half of our conversation he wanted to discuss some r/s issues. He was acting calm and down to earth so, I proceeded with the conversation.

He talked about how we don't seem as together as a normal couple and he would like to be more active and a part of my life. In the past and recent past, I've invited him places, made suggestions, etc, etc and all he would say is, "No." But now he's complaining about not being part of my life.

Then he started getting on the subject of my friends. E and I met in a hobby/community and he's made himself unwelcome by his crazy behavior. Though, everyone still likes me and I'm invited places. Last night he demanded that I give up that hobby and my friends and acquaintances who are involved in it. I refused and he said, ":)o you realize how much that hurts me? If you give that up, then I can truly heal and continue on with DBT."

When I said no, I said I don't want to give up every little thing that he gets offended and upset over. There's another interest I have that I'm very involved in. I asked, "How long will it be until you get p*ssed off about that and demand I give it up?" He said he wouldn't get upset about that activity because if he doesn't meet anyone involved or doesn't see it, then he can't possible get upset about it (that's his same reason for unfriended and blocking me on Facebook. Because my actions on there "are just too hurtful." Basically, I have friends and family on Fb who are being nice to me. And that annoys him to no end!)   

I'm not sure if what I wrote makes any sense… One minute he expresses his desire to be part of my life, then he says he doesn't want anything to do with stuff I enjoy (push/pull, I know).

I feel so lost!




   

[maxsterling]

I experience similar.  It's exhausting, for sure.  All I can suggest (I wish I could do better at following my own advice here  ) is to do what you want to do in your life.  Your role is *not* to make him happy, and *not* to heal him.  If he doesn't like your hobby, that's his problem.  If he doesn't like your friends, that is his problem.  Your hobby is not preventing his healing, that's just *his* excuse.

My girlfriend just texted me at work, saying she is "so bored".  I've tried nearly everything to try and get her involved in things, and I am getting exhausted, and finally realizing that there is nothing I can do to help.  *She* has to find out what interests her, on her own.  The push pull with me is that if I am happy or doing something on my own, because she is too lazy or unmotivated, she will get jealous and send me messages like "I am so bored" or "are you coming to bed soon?" (at 8:30pm) and then when I say I have other things to do, she says "I'm so sorry, I just wanted to spend time with you, but I don't want to keep you from doing what you want to do." 100% guilt trip.  It's maddening. 

[Seneca]

I dealt with that... . it was huge. he was going to "divorce me" because I wouldn't give up being in this one club. I refused... . I just knew in my gut it was wrong. Don't know where I got the courage, because this was years ago when I was a total wreck and had never heard of BPD. I think it was the one big thing I ever stood up to him about. DON'T DO IT. In the future, it'll just be something else.

[Southern_Belle]

Thank you for your responses! I know not to give in, I just needed to see it in print.

Giving up this specific hobby, I would loose a big chunk of friends and social life (Hmmmm…. isolation).

Maxsterling - I've been on the receiving end of the same type of guilt trip! He said it almost verbatim as your gf.

[karma_gal]

Isolation is definitely part of it, but I guarantee if you give in on this, you will set a precedent that will come back to bite you, because more than anything else it's about control.  He is already using guilt trips, which these guys are so masterful at and I hate so much, and will probably ramp up the pity parties each time you attend an event or meet up with folks from the group.  He's probably really ticked at himself because they don't want him there any longer due to his behavior and "if he can't have fun there, neither can you," a spin on the old, "I don't want you but don't want anyone else to, either." 

The reality is this is another double bind situation:  If you cave and give in to his request, a couple of things happen.  He wins and has learned that guilt trips work and he can subtly control you that way, and he will use them again and again and again.  You will lose a support system that I guarantee you will need at some point in the future.  You will then be resentful that because of him you lost out on the opportunity to be a part of this group.

The flip side is, if you don't give in, he's still going to use guilt trips when you attend functions, meetings, gatherings.  He's still going to have pity parties at "being excluded" and feeling like he's not a part of your life, blah, blah, blah.

The bottom line is each choice sucks with regard to his behavior.  The best you can hope for is that he learns, quickly, that his guilt trips and isolation tactics aren't going to work and he knocks it off.  I wouldn't get too hopeful, but it can happen  

Because these guys are so sensitive to, well, everything, I would just tell him you're not willing to give up this group and will do whatever you can to make sure that he feels a part of your life outside of that.  You are way nicer than me, I can tell, because the minute he told me that "if you give this up, I'll heal better" I probably would've popped him!  That is low and ridiculous and uncalled for.  I just love how these guys juxtapose one thing on top of another and try to make them contingent on each other. 

You've probably figured out, though, that there's really no win-win solution.  It's just not part of their repertoire. 

[Southern_Belle]

Hi Karma_gal, thanks for the response.

I've thought this through and I have no intention of giving up anything! You're right, I would loose a support system that I will, no doubt, need in the future. If I were to give up this group, then what/who else would I have to give up in the future? I'm in my 40's now, I don't want to one day realize I'm in my 50's with no friends, no family, no activities, and no interesting life.

Of course, E, always tries to make it sound like he has my best interest at heart - "They're bad people!" "I'm concerned about you." If that doesn't work, he'll say that if I continue to hang around those people, I clearly "don't understand the difference between good and evil." And that show my "lack of a moral compass."

Ok, fine… I'm evil and have no morals. I'm sure I'm not the only one here like that.