Help me find strength not to recycle

[loz1982]

I probably nearly at my lowest since I left, I miss him desperately and our little farm together! I think my ex's issues with me was the fact that I stood up for my parents and tried to make him accountable for his rudeness so I don't think it was a problem with me! My ex dug himself into such a big hole with his behaviour he just didn't know how to get out so took the resentment out on me! I know he shouldn't have done that and especially shouldn't have treated my parents that way but it makes me think we are good together so that's the main thing. If I go back surely things will get better between him and them! For a year and a half we were so happy with my parents in our life maybe we can go back to that place before he turned for no reason. I know he has a good heart and does truly love me!

[free-n-clear]

My ex dug himself into such a big hole with his behaviour... . I know he shouldn't have done that and especially shouldn't have treated my parents that way ... . I know he has a good heart and does truly love me!

    Only HE is accountable for his behaviour. If he is Triangulation with your parents, (and you go back) that will also damage your relationship with them. If he truly loved you, as opposed to needing your validation, he would respect your parents and your relationship with them.

   His issues aren't with you, they're a symptom of his disorder. I'm guessing you didn't take your decision to leave lightly. Think long and hard about the pros and cons of going back before you make your decision.

[fromheeltoheal]

Try asking yourself the right questions:

Do you trust him?

Does he treat you with respect?

Does he bring you up or bring you down?

Was the relationship getting better or worse?

Are you able to have open, honest conversations with him, express your vulnerability, have your views respected in a supportive environment, and work towards resolution of problems?

Is he faithful to you?

Does he tell you the truth or does he lie?

Is this relationship going to work long term?

We have mixed feelings towards our exes, obviously; if it was all bad we'd leave right away.  And it's easy after a breakup, when we're feeling lonely and grieving, to focus on the positive and end up missing them.  But asking the right questions and also reminding yourself of all the unacceptable crap (make a list) can help be more objective, which is hard right now.  If you honestly ask and answer those questions and look at the big picture, and still want to get back together, then by all means, but don't make emotional decisions borne out of loneliness and grieving.  Take care of you!

[loz1982]

No freenclear not lightly at all, I like most on here left it to the last possible moment to leave, in the end an incident happened and that coupled with my grandma passing away I left. I had almost left a few times, if I had sat down and really thought about I would prob be still there as the alternative is very scary. I got back from seeing my grandma on her deathbed and 10 mins after driving 10 hours in 2 days he asks me if I had thought any more about my part in the situation, no empathy at all. Then he took back his apology email to my parents he had written a week before and that was the final straw. I had already had a break from him a few months back after a 3 hour phone call abusing my parents but he won me back as he went on tablets and was going to a psychologist. I wouldn't abandon anyone if they were intent on getting help. A couple of months after he took himself off the tablets and the pschologist just aided his behaviour in my opinion.

A week ago he couldn't say enough lovey dovey stuff and then as soon as I expressed doubt about going back which is said he understands is due to his behaviour and he would be the same if it was him (his words) he started blaming me and my parents again and painted us black?

That is what I am most scared of, losing my parents. I mean they said they will always be there for me, just don't want to see him again, to me that is sort of losing them and I am sure it would affect our relationship anyway. His big problem is he thinks they are interfering, when he called off our wedding because I wasn't cooking and cleaning to his standard, mum questioned me not getting paid, before then I just thought I would have the security when we got married but I felt vulnerable in the relationship. Isn't that a parent looking after their daughters interests?

Heeltoheal I don't trust what he says as he goes around in circles on week say something then something doesnt got his way and its like he forgot he said it. No I guess he doesn't treat me with respect, I have been called many names, often treated like a worker not a partner and treats my parents badly. He brings me up and brings me down, says I need to have more confidence and speak my mind more but then lowers my confidence and doesn't like it when I speak up if he doesn't agree. At the same time he was always giving me confidence, did make me feel loved with affection and I absolutely always felt I trusted him with regards to other women. I have open and honest conversations with him but often feel like Im not getting through, we tend to go around in circles a lot. Well I always thought he was quite truthful, although tended to make comments into more than they were. He told me my dad said he was using me, when I questioned if that was the case, he said in a roundabout way. My dad categorically denied this and I believe him as he has twisted my Dad's words a lot to suit his case.

I wish I did know if this relationship would work long term, I need a crystal ball. Its almost like if he had just me and not any of my family and friends in his life he would be happy!

[free-n-clear]

A week ago he couldn't say enough lovey dovey stuff and then as soon as I expressed doubt about going back ... . he started blaming me and my parents again and painted us black?

That is what I am most scared of, losing my parents. I mean they said they will always be there for me, just don't want to see him again,... . Isn't that a parent looking after their daughters interests?

I don't trust what he says ... . No I guess he doesn't treat me with respect, I have been called many names, ... . treats my parents badly. He told me my dad said he was using me, ... . My dad categorically denied this and I believe him as he has twisted my Dad's words a lot to suit his case.

The prosecution rests, Your Honour.

I don't mean to sound glib. From the title you gave the thread, it appears that you know it's best to end it. Sometimes it helps me to have someone 'unpack' my arguments for giving her another 'one more' chance, that's all.

[loz1982]

It does sound pretty bad when you read it back, it doesnt feel as bad at the time. Why do I still love him then? I do feel very lonely and I am grieving so how do you distinguish if that is driving me? How long have you been out of your relationship freenclear? Was your girlfriend officially diagnosed? Have you had many recycles? My ex would get so angry if he knew I was on here as he says I am driven by other peoples opinions too much but how can you not be if everyone is saying the same thing! Why do I feel like Im choosing my parents over him?

[fromheeltoheal]

My ex would get so angry if he knew I was on here as he says I am driven by other peoples opinions too much but how can you not be if everyone is saying the same thing! Why do I feel like Im choosing my parents over him?

That's a classic borderline trait BTW: isolate you from everyone else so he can control you. If you talk to other people and get some feedback, the walls he's created will crumble and you'll see the real him, someone who needs to be abandoned, the worst thing that can happen to a borderline. You need to look inside for the truth, with other people's input, to take control back, and then make decisions based on what you want and need. Take care of you!

[arn131arn]

My ex would get so angry if he knew I was on here as he says I am driven by other peoples opinions too much but how can you not be if everyone is saying the same thing! Why do I feel like Im choosing my parents over him?

That's a classic borderline trait BTW: isolate you from everyone else so he can control you. If you talk to other people and get some feedback, the walls he's created will crumble and you'll see the real him, someone who needs to be abandoned, the worst thing that can happen to a borderline. You need to look inside for the truth, with other people's input, to take control back, and then make decisions based on what you want and need. Take care of you!

Heel, quick question.

I wouldn't want my ex hanging out with a group of these socer mom's bc I knew she was telling them lies about me and Triangulation with them.  She was playing the victim and smearing me bc that's what she does best.  So, I gave her an ultimatum. Them or me.  Well, she chose them and I changed the locks on the doors and it's history ever since; but could this be her BPD trait manifesting in me or was I right in trying to end the bad behavior that was going on in the trinagulation?

Hope that made sense, and didn't make you dizzy or fall down.

Thanks,

Arn

[Ironmanrises]

Reread the horrific accounts of re engagements on here. You will notice one disturbing trend. They all end in heartbreak. It was no different with mine after I let her back in for round 2. Almost 6 months of NC later, I hurt still. Her whereabouts? Unknown. Just gone. That is your strength: Our disastrous and futile attempts to right the Titanic that compromises the ship in each of our relationships. It will encounter the iceberg which is called the pwBPD grotesque other side; rip apart the hull of the Titanic below the waterline, and send it to that dark place, Davey's bottom.

[fromheeltoheal]

Heel, quick question.

I wouldn't want my ex hanging out with a group of these socer mom's bc I knew she was telling them lies about me and Triangulation with them.  She was playing the victim and smearing me bc that's what she does best.  So, I gave her an ultimatum. Them or me.  Well, she chose them and I changed the locks on the doors and it's history ever since; but could this be her BPD trait manifesting in me or was I right in trying to end the bad behavior that was going on in the trinagulation?

Hope that made sense, and didn't make you dizzy or fall down.

Thanks,

Arn

No, that makes sense arn, no falling down here.  To be clear, Triangulation is bringing a third person into a relationship dynamic, for example, and it changes that dynamic; my ex was heavily influenced by her 17 year old daughter (!), and she would show up as an entirely different person, a mirror of her daughter, when she was around, so to me it was two against one, caustic as hell, but alone my ex was very different and sometimes OK to be with.  That's Triangulation.

In your case someone who lies, plays the victim and smears you to a group of women is not someone you want to be with, yes?  Someone who loves you, supports you and wants the best for you is going to do nothing but praise you in public, defend you, paint you as god's gift.  Women always talk about relationships and the drama, they thrive on it, so if she went out with a close girlfriend, had some wine, and divulged all the issues going on in your relationship, that would be standard female, and would be done with someone she trusts and can confide in, as a means to better her relationship with the man she loves, not to create a monster out of you to a group.  Make sense?

[loz1982]

I never thought of it like that heeltoheal, so by talking to people I have effectively put a big nail in our relationship coffin. I would generally not talk to anyone about relationship issues but the way he acted in front of people and when he called off the wedding, people found out something was amiss. Then when he abused my parents for 3 hours on the phone my extended family found out. Then when he vented to my cousin about my parents they found out. I probably would be in an asylum by now if I didn't vent. What I want and need are two different things, I want him but dont need the hurt he brings to my world. Very confusing!

[free-n-clear]

Why do I still love him then?

   You still love the person you fell in love with, not the real him. That's perfectly understandable as we grieve the loss of that person, even before the relationship ends.

   My xgf isn't diagnosed, but shows all 9 main symptoms. Apparently 5 out of 9 is enough for a diagnosis. We were a couple for 2 years and yes, I still love her. If I thought there was any chance of her changing (getting well), I'd still be there. I'm only about 2 months out of the r/s, but we did try to maintain a 'friendship' for another month, as we'd been friends for a long time before the r/s began. It didn't work. She still raged at me, lied to me and basically treated me the same as she had during the last months of the r/s.

   I figure that because we had been more than just friends, and she knew I genuinely cared about her, I kept triggering her, as much as I tried not to. In the end, I had to just draw a line under it and now, with a little help from all the people here, I'm trying to move on. 

[loz1982]

Your situation is very similar to mine, we were 2 1/2 years Im really only 2 weeks out as I left in Sep but stayed connected in the hope things would change, probably to my detrimut. Mine hasn't been diagnosed either but my psychologist mentioned it to me and I read the book Walking on Eggshells and it fits my life perfectly. Its almost a relief to have an answer, his controlling tendancies, name calling and the way he has treated my parents should've been enoug to leave but I stayed. I feel a tremendous amount of guilt as I have thought maybe if my parents weren't around we would work out but I know they are not the cause of this, its like a double whammy! I also wished I hadn't of shared my frustrations about my mum sometimes as I think this fuelled him! He is Croation so his culture is involved as well. Could it have got worse! Could getting engaged be a big trigger?

[arn131arn]

Your situation is very similar to mine, we were 2 1/2 years Im really only 2 weeks out as I left in Sep but stayed connected in the hope things would change, probably to my detrimut. Mine hasn't been diagnosed either but my psychologist mentioned it to me and I read the book Walking on Eggshells and it fits my life perfectly. Its almost a relief to have an answer, his controlling tendancies, name calling and the way he has treated my parents should've been enoug to leave but I stayed. I feel a tremendous amount of guilt as I have thought maybe if my parents weren't around we would work out but I know they are not the cause of this, its like a double whammy! I also wished I hadn't of shared my frustrations about my mum sometimes as I think this fuelled him! He is Croation so his culture is involved as well. Could it have got worse! Could getting engaged be a big trigger?

Loz,

i was with my ex for 14 years... . recycled so many times I cannot even count.  I need you to know, that had I been good enough I would have never went back for the third (I do believe everyone deserves a 2nd chance); but other than that my life would be extremely different today.

I jumped through so many rings of fire, so many no-win situations, so much more abuse.  I can't tell you enough, that each time you go back it takes a little more of your soul, your sense of self, your humanity, and your goodness, your spirit away from you.

take my advice and be good to yourself this time... .

[free-n-clear]

Could getting engaged be a big trigger?

  I guess so, as it would trigger the engulfment/abandonment fears. I don't think ethnicity has a lot to do with it, there's people on this site from all around the world. I'm an Aussie, my xgf is half Maori (native NZ) half English. It's more to do with childhood abuse/neglect issues, which are to be found in any culture/ethnicity.

[heartandwhole]

Loz,

This is tough stuff, and I commend you for working so hard to find answers!  I certainly have struggled with bargaining and hoping and wishing – "maybe this time... . "

I know I've said this before, but please remember that without committed and long term work on his issues – initiated by him, and for him – it is highly unlikely that this behavior will change.

You said very clearly, and several times, that you don't trust him.  How can you have a healthy relationship with someone you don't trust, loz? 

These relationships are often like addictions, we think we'll die if we don't get our "fix."   He is not the key to your happiness, loz. You are.   

Remember the 10 beliefs that keep us stuck?

5) Belief that things will return to "the way they used to be"

1) Belief that this person holds the key to your happiness

[loz1982]

I'm an Aussie too! I just thought his control issues could be out down in part to his ethnicity! He had a very hard childhood his mum was very strict and I don't think he got much unconditional love. He was taught that you need to work hard to provide for your partner but not much else I think. His mum has been diagnosed as depressed and sometimes in his later years she would go days without speaking to them, emotional abuse!

You really know how to sum it up well heartandwhole I can't trust that he will be able to control his behaviour or what he says that is what stops me going back. Oh I do wish that things will return to how they used to be so much it hurts as when comes down to it we have a lot in common and like doing the same simple things! It feels like such a waste because it's not  normal issues why you shouldn't be together, I can see it he can't  so frustrating! It has out me in a really awkward spot too as I'm interstate at the moment but don't know many people my age here so lonely but where I used to be I have heaps of friends but will be close by and not sure how I'll handle it or have the willpower to stay away! How they affect our lives so fundamentally!

[free-n-clear]

  Sorry loz, I misunderstood your point. Maybe cultural/ethnic origins do come in to play regarding expectations of what various relationships should be like. For example in many cultures the aged care homes so familiar to westerners are virtually unheard of, as it's a given that elderly parents will be cared for by their children & grandchildren. But whether that can explain someone being controlling to the extent of trying to isolate you from your parents, I'm not so sure. I think it's more likely attributable to the BPD.

    Glad to hear from another Aussie on here, too! At least someone will understand what I'm saying if I slip into the lingo! Guess I needn't have explained what a Maori is!   

[loz1982]

Haha yes I know what a Maori is no problem I'm probably just trying to find excuses for his behaviour. I do know that the damaging parts to his behaviour are not acceptable in any culture! Isn't it an awful disorder I never thought I would leave someone I love and break my own heart!

[loz1982]

I have also found the more he realises I wasn't coming back the more his symptoms seem more noticeable?

[free-n-clear]

I never thought I would leave someone I love and break my own heart!

  Lots of us on here have made the decision to leave someone we still love. I had to make that choice. It is a heartbreaking decision, but the only sensible one when the alternative is to be worn down emotionally to the point where friends and family are genuinely worried about our mental health, as was happening to me.

           

   

   

   

[loz1982]

  yeah a lot of people say they would be worried about me if I went back!

[loz1982]

  to everyone on here as well!

[loz1982]

Just a question has anyone elses partner with BPD ever twisted comments around to suit their case. For example:

Your dad told me he thought I was using you: I asked did my dad say that he said in a roundabout way.

Your dad is interfering in the wedding: My dad said to him a church is a good idea as all you really need to do is put flowers on the pews. My ex said it is a place of worship (I know he really wanted flowers but didn't like my dad being the one to suggest it)

Your dad said women shouldn't work on the farm:My dad said mum didn't work on the farm and out of both his girls, could see me being the one to do it.

I offered that if he needed help on the farm anytime my Dad is always willing to help: His take I knew your parents always wanted to interfere!

I said I would like my mum around when I have kids:His take did you want her the day you bring your baby home as that is bonding time for parent and baby! Its like he felt I was choosing her over him.

Everyone else I talk to see the comment as they are but him. I can't get through to him, why does he misconstrue comments in a negative light all the time? My parents can't say anything and he twists it!

[free-n-clear]

My xgf used to take things I said and twist them all the time . I think it's a tactic they use to control the conversation and keep the upper hand. Sometimes she would twist things to the point that what she was saying bore no resemblance or relationship to what was originally said.

[fromheeltoheal]

My xgf used to take things I said and twist them all the time . I think it's a tactic they use to control the conversation and keep the upper hand. Sometimes she would twist things to the point that what she was saying bore no resemblance or relationship to what was originally said.

Cognitive distortion.  Reality is optional because if she loses control she will lose herself, engulfment, or you will leave, abandonment, the two psychic forces doing their push/pull dance, the only temporary comfort being on the precarious fence between them, which she's perpetually perched on in a panic.

[arn131arn]

 yeah a lot of people say they would be worried about me if I went back!

Loz, all my buddies and I have an agreement.

If I go back, they can kick me in the balls as hard as they can. 

I am NOT allowed to ask any questions as to why they would do such a thing for I will have known already... .

 

[loz1982]

What is the female equivalent to kicking in the balls sounds very effective   

Yes freenclear my ex brings up things that aren't even related to the conversation and are not true. I mean to think I thought he used me was never said by me and wasn't at all related to what I was saying. How do you argue with someone that pulls random stuff like that out!

I just heard today that he got very angry and tried to pick a fight with the pick up crew for his chickens, they told him he is crazy and needs help (funny that) and he apologised and said his missus left him so he is really struggling. It makes me feel so sad for him, I know he has hurt me badly but I still don't like to see him hurting over something he can do nothing about meaning BPD

[free-n-clear]

What is the female equivalent to kicking in the balls sounds very effective   

  The crippled nipple! 

 

   Don't blame yourself for how he treats others - you're not responsible for his behaviour. I've heard a few stories around town this week about my ex, seems she's burning bridges everywhere. Whether her behaviour is because she's realised what she's lost, I'm not sure, but even if it is, I can't take responsibility for her. I cleaned up after her for long enough. 

[loz1982]

Ouch that sounds more painful than the kick to the balls

This is where my too much empathy comes into it, its messed up he is the reason he is sitting there upset yet I feel guilty. He told me not to contact him again like I'm the bad one and I feel guilty.

My ex also defriended a good friend because he claims he is annoying, he is a bit but that is nothing new, but I think he knew (and said it was okay) I was speaking to his girlfriend, nothing bad mind you, and he got paranoid so when his mate didn't answer his phone one day because he was busy and when they finally spoke his mate told him he was speaking in circles, he defriended him.

Has your ex contacted you at all lately?

I get urges all time I get on here instead or text a friend!