If Only

[Lol4fun]

So I can't sleep, what do I decide to do... . Go back and re-read all the text messages me and my exUBDbf exchanged during our relationship. Yes I kept them all. I know the topic of red flags has been talked about many times.  I wish I would have read the texts that were exchanged between he & I only 4 days after we met. I should have been running the other direction then. Here is the convo... . For a little back story I had stayed over at his place way to soon and that Sunday morning was really questioning if this is what I wanted to be doing. I left as I had to take care of my dogs and had plans with friends that day.

Him:  I was thinking about last night's convo about your guy friends. I hope I didn't scare you too much:).  I don't really hold my feelings inside, which is probably best.

Me: It was kinda a deep convo I don't think it scared it me

I think your interest in me & mine in you scares me

Him: I'm not scared.  Is this starting out like others that failed?

Me: Yes a little

Him: Wonderful

Me: Thanks for the sarcasm I'm just being honest

Him: Right, well, maybe I don't like honesty right after yesterday.

Me: OK thank you for sharing that and I will respect that.

Him: can we talk about this please

Me: I'm about to head out can we talk later?

Him: Are u pulling back the reins  here?  Like guys usually do?  Ya, call when u have time.

Me: OK I will call you later :-)

So later comes and... .

Him:  First if all, I do want u to be honest despite what I said earlier.  I felt like this morning when you left that u might be questioning things?  Did I read u wrong?  And more importantly, you told me about how these similar relationships fail because the guy ends up having "issues".  I believe that's how you put it.  So what does that say about me?

Me: No you didn't read me wrong. I was questioning things but think that it is a normal process and typically when I'm left to be & given space I work it out on my own in a day or so but that takes the other person being confident & secure enough to let me go & not bug me about and know that I'll be coming back that I just need that time alone.

Me: What has me a little scared/worried is us having this conversation now vs. a couple months from now it feels like a convo that should be had when in a serious relationship

Him: And btw, I'm not pissed off or anything like that right now, so don't read that into these texts.  I went for a run this mornin (8:15, cold!) and then have been in the yard all day.  So I've had lots of time to think.  Which is what I need too.

Me: So I've wondered have all the people you have dated that have ended being in a serious relationship with moved this fast? 

Me: I can't determine if it's a you miss having someone around like "this" or the idea of "me" or do you really like me.

Me: I felt like it wasn't OK for me to go have space today & I didn't like that.

Him: I can't disagree that this is pretty deep pretty early.  But we kinda dove right in.  Damn, we need a flux capacitor:).  I would say that is an accurate assessment.  If I find someone I really like, I do this.  That is not accurate about you doing your own thing today.  I don't care about that.  You read me wrong on that one.  Promise.  I knew exactly what you needed and did not care.  But it is hard when the convo ends like it did.  And yes, I like you.  I don't really know what to say besides that.  It's almost as if it might be impossible for something to be right.

Me: Explain "it's almost as if it might be impossible for something to be right?"

Him: For you.  Like it's for sale here but your not sure about the quality, so you might pass it up.

Me: no I just wanted space to figure out what I want.

Him: It's fine Maura, we'll slow it way down.  Space, other friends, of course.  No worries.  Yes, I want to see you some more.  You are very unique in a really good way.  When you're ready to call or do something just let me know. Not a problem.  Just please understand that I'm not used to a new relationship in any way whatsoever and you've had some more recent experience.  So I will learn:).

Now rember this convo happened only 4 days after meeting one another. My taking space wasn't to pull away in that push pull but to accurately assess if this was a relationship I should be getting involved with as obviously red flags were going off in my head but, his smooth talking made me choose to ignore them. From that point on things just went downhill and he quickly changed from trying to convince me

to be in a relationship to raging out towards me when I didn't act as he thought I should. Oh how in wish I listened to my gut and what he said in that text that yes moving fast and all that is what he does when he finds someone he likes. DING DING DING... . SMH... . I wasn't the first (met me two weeks after divorce was final) just like his ex-wife wasn't the first, and just like the newest one (a week after we break up) wasn't the first one. It's making more sense now.

[Lol4fun]

I forgot to add after he said we can slow it way down well that never happened despite me wanting that... . I became hooked quickly, and though logically I wanted it to move slower cause I knew what was going on was a train wreck waiting to happen I just didn't enforce that boundary.